Need advice on this possibly terrible/weak parenting decision of mine.

[KidsArt]

Really want brutal opinions pls.

DS1 is 3 years old. He can be pretty challenging, in his own world, never listens, doesn't want to play with others, and his nursery have talked about ASD.

DH doesn't work on Fridays. He takes DS1 and DS2 (18 months) swimming. They all love it.

I work from home on Fridays.

DH just couldn't get DS1 ready. He wasn't listening. Refusing to get dressed. Playing with his trains. Running away from DH. this went on for 20 mins

DH left without him. Took DS2 and just walked out. He did give DS1 warning that he would leave unless he got dressed.

DS1 lost his mind. I mean, sobbing, wailing, throwing himself at the door. "I want my daddy. Where is daddy? I want to go swimming. Why not me? Please please. Where is Daddy. I'm sorry I'm sorry"

I don't think I've ever seen him that upset. He was shaking. He got all his clothes and was trying to put his own pants on, falling over, crying, collecting his towel, trying to get out the front door, looking for the car out the window.

I made DH come back and get him.

DH thinks this the reason DS1 is the way he is. That he needed to suck it up.

Is he right?

He's now learned that if Daddy's says no, and he runs crying to Mummy then Mummy says yes. I think you've made an even bigger rod for your own back, to be honest.

He was messing around, he was warned, and then left behind (in a safe environment). And guess what? He didn't get his own way, and he didn't like it. But you folded. If I was your DH I'd be furious with you for not backing up my parenting decision.

He's 3, not 13 and it's not his fault he struggles with transitions.

My middle child struggled with transitions - unfortunately I didn't have the luxury of leaving him with DH very frequently as he was working away from home.

Their flash point at three was going out to pick eldest child up from school in afternoon after they had come home from nursery in morning - there was no-one to help.

So I had to learn to manage - and I had a few terrible experiences - putting his coat and shoes in bottom of youngest pushchair and carrying him screaming on my hip on his side pushing pushchair one handed and everyone looking at us- as had to get eldest who was always very anxious about us being there late - so I couldn't be a second late.

What helped:

Lots of reminders about up coming events even long countdowns to them. In 15 minutes, 10 minutes 5 - now.

Lots of time so neither of us got stressed -not always easy around a baby as well.

Lots of getting thing ready before hand to avoid messing round time and no TV and putting toys away a bit earlier to help avoid distractions.

After few bad episodes one after another avoiding situation by staying out at library or park and going from there for a few days till we were in a position to try leaving near pick up time from the house.

I do think the DH here took the easy way out because he knew the OP was in the house and even WFH she'd have to step in or could step in if child was left. So while the natural consequence was child not going swimming it was only an option as OP was in the house - but the Op isn't complaining about that - it's the child be upset which TBH is the way some of them learn - the hard way. Ideally they all find a better way going forward.

3 year olds are children

not babies

and yes, are more than capable of understanding natural consequences, even with SEN!

Totally unreasonable namby pamby behaviour from you. Your DH did great there and you totally unraveled it.

also OP, it would help if you got more comfortable with his emotions. It was a really normal and understandable reaction for a three year old, he probably didn’t actually expect that they’d go without him despite the warning! He’s only three. It was normal for him to be so upset and desperately trying to undo things. The WFH issue aside (I didn’t see you address that), the best response would have been to get on his level, hold and support him through his feelings, while validating him.

Honestly, I follow gentle parenting and sometimes you just need to say if we don’t do this we cannot do x. I think it was fine, he will be more inclined to get a move on later. I have one about the same age who struggles with transitions and we do have to give notice and we tolerate quite a lot of pissing about but I’ve found recently drawing a firmer line is helping a lot with behaviour. I’m sure it is a bit more complicated with an ASD child. Try a timer or frequent time checks as well.

I agree it was a natural consequence, (although it was one that penalised you as well).
As he is three he can practice getting dressed every morning. It’s useful anyway if he’s good at it.
Make sure it is as easy as possible. Tops and pants with a picture on the front.
Joggers, not trousers with zips and buttons.
After all, your house will probably soon not be warm enough to wear pjs all day.

But of course that’s a side issue.
I think that you went for the cop-out option. Of course you hate seeing him cry.
But he needs to learn, he really does, or life will be very much harder for all of you.
Do try a visual calendar to help him.
Keep it simple.
Tomorrow is swimming day.
In the morning GET DRESSED, teeth, breakfast, in whatever order you do it. Breakfast first is fine, whatever works for you.
SWIMMING TIME. Dressed ready. Swimming kit in bag. Praise praise praise.

All these posters who claim to know the right answer when no one can know!

I would have done what the DH did and I may or may not have done what the OP did. I think I wouldn’t but I’m not sure. It’s definitely not worth overthinking or feeling guilty about. Three year olds are not very logical 🫤

It might have been the perfect thing to do. I hope so!

I had quite fixed consequences for my kids when they were little. I used time outs and then almost all consequences were based on computer time. Playing on the Computer was a privilege that would be removed for bad behaviour. I always gave a clear warning then would only remove their computer if they carried on. Computer privilidges were removed for one day but if they complained it was removed for one week. Always calm and always consistent. (Well, nearly always)

I almost never had to remove kids computer privileges. I also was happy for them to earn it back by good behaviour.

I tried to separate the behaviour from the child and try and make everything about cause and effect. I’d also make it clear that the problem is fixable and get them to tell me what they can do in future. I wouldn’t say things like ‘you are naughty’ I would say because you’ve chosen to do this, this means XYZ, next time what can you do differently etc.

It all sounds a bit American but it worked with my kids.

I know that the challenges faced by parents with kids with autism or other conditions are massive and that typical parenting tricks might not work but I find it hard to understand how gentle parenting would work. What happens in dangerous situations? It must be very difficult not to make things confusing.

@Kanaloa I don't want to make a "big song and dance" of him getting dressed. Of course I don't. I have tried to physically force him to get dressed and he bites himself and tries to bang his head on the hard floor. He doesn't have a little cry. I am not "pandering to him" by making his teddies pretend to talk to persuade him to get dressed, I am trying to get through the day without one of us being seriously hurt.

Oddly your son mysteriously developed the ability to listen and behave once he thought he was about to miss out on a treat he enjoys
Yes, very odd. He'll know who to play to now, that's for sure.

I'm autistic with autistic children and reading what your DH did has made me feel sick. You can't treat autistic children the way you would allistics. OP you were right, your DH was borderline abusive
🙄
No he wasn't.

I don't think your DH was out of order (apart from leaving you with a hysterical toddler while you were meant to be working!), but I think in this case the threat was enough.

Next week, I think your DH should make it clear to everyone that "Ok, it's time to get ready to go swimming. If you are not ready, we will be staying home and not going swimming". And follow through. Hopefully, the fright this week means your DS will get the message for next week.

3 year olds are three! Fucking tiny wee babies!

It'a actually a good age to start modeling and helping them achieve the behavior you want. Though agree with Marcipex - lots of praise for doing tasks is good.

Time checks with my child who hated transition went well into first few years of secondary though now they are all able to organise themselves -though that child need more scaffolding than my others.

We all make mistakes - or have moments we don't handle perfectly - I just tried and do better going forward.

Agreed. Some of the dramatic and emotive language used here riding a perfectly normal parenting technique is ridiculous. It’s clear that these posted haven’t suffered genuine abuse or neglect.

good points.

Parenting isn't for the timid and fair of heart that's for sure.

OP you're just going to have to count to 20 or 100 or whatever when your DS get consequences.
It's not our job to prevent our child from ever being upset or unhappy. It will happen again and again.

It's sounds like there have been entirely too many chances and faffing about with various things. Structure and strong boundaries make children feel safe.

2 chances and then a consequence of not getting to do the fun thing or whatever consequence there is. Stick to it again and again and you'll see results.

Okay, well your husband managed that, didn’t he? When your son thinks he may miss out on something he wants, he is able to do as he’s asked, without anyone getting seriously hurt. It upset him because it doesn’t fit with what he’s been led to expect, which is a huge fuss and lots of attention around getting dressed.

That’s fucking appalling
look up abandonment issues

And I’m not saying don’t parent/have boundaries etc, because you absolutely must, but that must have been massively distressing and traumatic for him.

@Kanaloa You've been pretty harsh in a few of your comment - which I totally invited. I am interested in how you'd approach getting dressed.

So - for example - we have to go to nursery. He is running from room to room, refusing to stand still for more than 30 seconds, not just not listening but acting like I'm not even there. He doesn't hold eye contact, he runs away from me time and time again. I keep saying "DS we need to get dressed now" - I don't use any techniques or "pandering" as you call it. What do I do instead?

“Your DH gave a warning, a very rational sensible one, if you don’t get dressed now you won’t be able to come swimming.”

was it though? His follow through meant leaving a distressed 3yo with someone who was supposed to be wfh. I don’t cal that a sensible warning.

Completely unacceptable for your husband to leave you doing childcare because he can't get a child dressed. He's behaving like a toddler.

Also, yes the child is too young.

Thank you so much to all the kind comments btw. Or ones of basically saying 'you're doing your best and there is no easy solution'. I don't mind the brutal stuff - I asked for it. But i do appreciate all the supportive ones who remember what it's like being a working parent with pre-school kids.

It's not that he didn't get to go swimming, it's the terrifying feeling of being abandoned by a parent.

Although I was initially leaning towards that you could have stuck it out, on balance a warning taster was probably enough for a 3 year old. The shock of your DH actually leaving the house (even if he did come back) would have had a big impact.

I would use it for a learning opportunity next time before it all has chance to start kicking off, ie in the morning before the getting-ready has started: "DS, remember how last week you wouldn't get dressed, and Daddy was prepared to go without you? If you don't get dressed now, you won't be going". See what he does and that time I'd really stick it out and not let him go if he doesn't cooperate, because he knows you are prepared to carry that through, with full and fair warning.

Good lets work with that scenario.
What happens to where he eventually gets dressed and goes to nursery?