Need advice on this possibly terrible/weak parenting decision of mine.

[KidsArt]

Really want brutal opinions pls.

DS1 is 3 years old. He can be pretty challenging, in his own world, never listens, doesn't want to play with others, and his nursery have talked about ASD.

DH doesn't work on Fridays. He takes DS1 and DS2 (18 months) swimming. They all love it.

I work from home on Fridays.

DH just couldn't get DS1 ready. He wasn't listening. Refusing to get dressed. Playing with his trains. Running away from DH. this went on for 20 mins

DH left without him. Took DS2 and just walked out. He did give DS1 warning that he would leave unless he got dressed.

DS1 lost his mind. I mean, sobbing, wailing, throwing himself at the door. "I want my daddy. Where is daddy? I want to go swimming. Why not me? Please please. Where is Daddy. I'm sorry I'm sorry"

I don't think I've ever seen him that upset. He was shaking. He got all his clothes and was trying to put his own pants on, falling over, crying, collecting his towel, trying to get out the front door, looking for the car out the window.

I made DH come back and get him.

DH thinks this the reason DS1 is the way he is. That he needed to suck it up.

Is he right?

And yet he worked out exactly what was required of him and what he needed to do when he thought he was going to miss out on a treat. Odd.

I think your husband was a massive d!ck for just doing that to you and your DS1. I have 2 kids and I get that frustration in the moment. But seeing as this decision would affect you too, he could have asked you before just leaving. I think the punishment always needs to fit the “crime” and in this case it was appropriate to threaten leaving but not actually leave him behind. He’s only 3 for gods sake! It seems to have worked and hopefully next week you can use the memory as a bargaining tool.

My son is autistic and the way I parent him is vastly different to how I parented his brother at the same age. He needs so much more support and instruction to do basic things. It's not his fault, it's just the way he is. It can be frustrating but I am the adult. I will also say that I am not a parent who panders, at all, and I am much stricter than lots of my friends are, but I feel children need clear boundaries.

I would honestly be furious if my DH did what yours did and you must have felt awful seeing your DS so upset. If I had been getting ready to go swimming we would have had to put things away out of sight, and got him dressed - countdowns have always worked for my son but know they're not for everyone. I would have given lots of warnings about the consequences of not getting ready. That consequence might be not going swimming but lots of warning would be given. He should not have left you to pick up the pieces.

I understand your husband's frustration. It can be incredibly difficult when the 'not listening' is just non stop every day. I had to change my parenting approach to stop feeling so upset and it's helped everyone in our house. It's not perfect (who is!) but it helps.

As a mum of an autistic child who has ADHD I think natural consequence are the best way to learn. He is very young but actually you need to consider that long term impact of allowing him to stop you going places like swimming or getting yours kids to places they need to be on time such as school. I normally warn my autistic child if he doesn't do X or y we are leaving and one of us is staying home with him but his brothers are going to have fun at X or y place. Now he is older I remind him if he isn't getting organised for school he is late and the school will take some fun Chromebook time of him for lateness.

He has once or twice refused to get organised and missed out. That was enough to stop it.

However you do need to look carefully at how getting your ds organized happens. Getting dressed and out the door is a change so it might be worth giving a warning he needs to get dressed to go to swimming. Also big sand timers are great for visual effect to use so he knows that's how long he had to get ready. Make it clear once the sand timers is empty daddy is leaving to go swimming. If he isn't ready he can't go.

Children with ASD need warnings and visual timers at that age are very helpful. Keep it simple though help him get dressed on his own when his sibling is ready, keep calm, don't get irate and reminders for we are going up have fun and go swimming. Also get a visual board with pictures of what you are doing that day as it helps kids understand and makes it less of a change so naturally reduces anxiety.

The national autistic society have some great tips that make life easier for him and the rest of the family if followed.

My 10 year old still hates changes and we have set morning routines for him to follow to help him cope.

In saying all this is I think the fact dh walked out and left you with a very upset 3 year old while you were WFH was totally unacceptable. Your working and he wasn't. It's up to him to deal with the kids

I also think - just take him to the pool in his PJs and get him changed into clean clothes after, so much easier!

Op it’s possible that there is no right or wrong decision in this case, I think it’s too early to say. I have two dc with autism and I have to parent them completely differently and even though they’re at senior schools now I am learning every single day. One of my dc has pda syndrome and the other has adhd which further complicates things.

I can say that one of my dc learns from consequences and ‘if you aren’t ready I’ll go without you’ the other doesn’t. I had an appointment recently, she wanted to go, but wasn’t ready in time so I went without her. She was distraught. I’m convinced that if it happened again she wouldn’t necessarily be ready and knowing I might go without might cause even more anxiety. Of course sometimes I have to go out to do an errand and unfortunately ignore her needs, I’m a single mum. With that daughter there’s a difference between can’t do something and won’t do it. People assume that she won’t get dressed or won’t get out of the car to go to a party or friends house but sometimes she just can’t and she has terrible self esteem as she doesn’t understand why she can’t do the thing she wants to do when all her friends can.

Even children with additional needs have to feel the natural consequences of their actions.

sounds like you’ve been pandering and giving loads of attention for this not getting dressed issue

by all means give him options and support, acknowledge it’s a control issue and start empowering him to dress himself without all this cajoling endlessly or it will be endless!

You can’t make this not about the getting dressed issue because blaming your dh for being frustrated and at the end of his tether with all this endless cajoling to get dressed is what started this.

I’m a single parent so never had the support to use this tactic but I do think it is acceptable for him to miss out on swimming because he refused to cooperate when everyone else was getting ready.
Thats what happens and if he wants to avoid that in future he needs to stop the fuss about getting dressed and be ready when it’s time to go.

Also his sibling should not be missing out on swimming and having his whole day controlled by his sibling behaviour.

All that said your partner should not have left a tantrumming kid alone with you when you were supposed to be wfh but that not what you’re upset about for some reason.

You’re upset he tried to discipline his own child. I don’t get it

Look, don’t beat yourself up about this. Everyone, including all the sanctimonious people on this thread, have at some point been unsure about the right thing to do and questioned themselves. Children don’t come with instructions and we are all learning on the job.

I don’t think your DH was wrong and neither were you. It was a tricky one and there’s no right answer. The most important thing is that you talk it through with your DH and agree on a course of action if it happens again. Don’t let resentment of each other creep in.

I think it should be your husband you should punish for being a twat. Your 3 year old was being a 3 year old, your husband should have helped him get ready (even if he had to make him), driving off and leaving without him is shitty. Nah rubbish parenting and punishing the child for his failings too, nope.

I would have done the same as you

I would have made DH come back too. A battle of wills over chocolate or tv is one thing but rejection, especially by a parent, at that age is brutal and could cause issues later on.

It was a tough situation really - I don’t think your DH was wrong for leaving him in theory, a logical consequence can often work well, you’re not ready on time because you’re messing about so you can’t go and that’s technically fair enough in my book. But I’m not sure about leaving him with you when you were supposed to be working and dealing with the fall out.

I think the punishment always needs to fit the “crime” and in this case it was appropriate to threaten leaving but not actually leave him behind. He’s only 3 for gods sake!

I think the exact opposite. For me it would be the height of weak and pointless parenting to threaten a consequence you’ve got no intention of actually following through on. What’s the point? You MUST get dressed or else I’ll leave you behind! I will leave you behind! One more chance then I’ll leave. I’m going to count to 5 then I’ll leave you behind. LAST CHANCE, I am about to leave you behind. I find it absolutely cringeworthy when I see parents doing this. It’s obvious to everyone, especially the child, that they aren’t going to follow through, so why say it at all?

That’s why I wouldn’t threaten to leave the 3yo behind. Because it’s not something I think appropriate to follow through on

Your DH was right.

Toddler won't get dressed... "you need a medical opinion and a diagnosis" 🤣🤣 christ, no child these days can be awkward and refuse to get dressed 😅??

OP also I didn't start using natural consequence with my son till he was a lot older than 3.

If he has ASD he isn't "not listening" he is potentially struggling with the sensory processing of getting changed etc, struggling with change and anxiety, struggling with the rush and not understanding he has to do X or y now.

As others have said I have had to parent my autistic child very differently to my 2 nuerotypical children. It's far harder to parent him and things are more complicated but using the correct strategies helps massively. My nuerotypical kids would understand at 3 I cant go if I don't get dressed my autistic child may have gone in his PJ's with a change of clothes in his bag for when he was out of the pool to minimise changes.

The 2 best bits of parenting advice I ever had were:

1. Never set a consequence you won't follow through.
2. If you're going to give in or change your mind, do it quickly.

So I always set realistic and achievable consequences (don't go nuclear) and I have avoided pester power. We all have to learn to parent the kids we have though and no-one gets it right all the time.

I think you did the right thing. right that they left and right they came back, just this once. it was probably enough for him to learn the lesson. I had a child for whom some punishments were just too much and although some people will criticise you for being soft, I personally think you know best what level of distress he can deal with before it becomes all round a very negative learning experience. Parenting is not a one size fits all - you have to adapt it to the child.

Did the exact same thing last night - dc were dicking around at bed time, I gave them 3 strikes and there will be no bedtime story. Still dicking about after 3 strikes, so I said right no bedtime stories then, turned off the light and said good night. Absolute hysterics ensue. No chance of sleep for anyone.

Gave it 5 mins before going back in and reading them their bloody bedtime story. Absolute fail.

However, I do think the scare of not getting the story should be enough to improve bedtime tonight. We'll see. If not, there is absolutely no way they are getting the story second time round.

Another time they were really badly messing about beside the road on the way to the sweet shop. Warnings given etc, but they carried on. it really wasn't safe, so we turned around and went home. That was the worst hysterics I've had so far, but they have NEVER done it again, so I would say it works a treat if you can tolerate the emotional fall out.

Mine are 6 and 4, so still very little but big enough to get that actions have consequences I think.

Oh OP, I'd have donee the same as you! Poor little thing.

Exactly. It's your husband who had tantrum and stormed off. The poor little boy is only three. One or other of you alleged adults should have helped him dress. You are acting as if the child is being unreasonable or needs a diagnosis for simply being three.

But not going swimming punishes the innocent child who had got ready to go swimming.

OP doesn’t like him being dressed by someone as this makes him cry. She prefers a performance of teddies and cajoling and pandering basically. Which the child has picked up on, and now understands getting dressed to mean a huge performance, leading to him being taught it’s appropriate to mess around when it’s time to get dressed.

This.

My kids and I have additional needs and your DH responded in an unsympathetic way to a (what sounds like) highly sensitive child; I also agree with another poster upthread who said it's the kind of memory that stays with you...

We struggled badly to dress DS at that age here too so I sympathise massively!!