Need advice on this possibly terrible/weak parenting decision of mine.

[KidsArt]

Really want brutal opinions pls.

DS1 is 3 years old. He can be pretty challenging, in his own world, never listens, doesn't want to play with others, and his nursery have talked about ASD.

DH doesn't work on Fridays. He takes DS1 and DS2 (18 months) swimming. They all love it.

I work from home on Fridays.

DH just couldn't get DS1 ready. He wasn't listening. Refusing to get dressed. Playing with his trains. Running away from DH. this went on for 20 mins

DH left without him. Took DS2 and just walked out. He did give DS1 warning that he would leave unless he got dressed.

DS1 lost his mind. I mean, sobbing, wailing, throwing himself at the door. "I want my daddy. Where is daddy? I want to go swimming. Why not me? Please please. Where is Daddy. I'm sorry I'm sorry"

I don't think I've ever seen him that upset. He was shaking. He got all his clothes and was trying to put his own pants on, falling over, crying, collecting his towel, trying to get out the front door, looking for the car out the window.

I made DH come back and get him.

DH thinks this the reason DS1 is the way he is. That he needed to suck it up.

Is he right?

But he did understand didn't he? He understood well enough to immediately start to try and get dressed, so the link between being dressed and going was clear enough.
And he was by no means abandoned. He was left behind with his mother in his own home. If that sets up life long damage, what must you think happens to children who have to be left pleading and in tears at nursery or school?

I’m a softy and would have done the same, just your description of his little reaction made me want to take him swimming ☺️ So cute, why not meeee? I know they have to learn but the being left behind was probably enough.

@phishy I've taken loads from this thread thanks. Some really helpful, supportive and interesting posts. Yours is not one of them.

I think your DS did understand. When reality dawned, that they had simply left without him, he knew exactly where he had gone wrong. He rushed to dress and get ready. He knew.
I understand that he was distraught but that’s how many 3 year olds are when things don’t their way.

When Daddy came back, DS said he was sorry. He got in the car smiling.
That’s quite a fast recovery. He’s been able to calm himself and continue with his day, and that is quite skilled.
I wonder what will happen next swimming day. Whether he get ready, or will he try to do the same again. If he does, remember what his reaction showed you - he knows how to get dressed and that he must do it when he is reminded.

Also, please try not to beat yourself up, and the same goes for your DH. No one always gets everything right. Sometimes there isn’t a ’right’.
It’s okay to have boundaries and natural consequences. They are vital in fact, for all children to learn.

This is AIBU, don’t post here you don’t want a range of opinions.

@phishy yours was not an opinion. It was just factually incorrect and unhelpful. Thanks for coming though.

You said earlier, what should you do as he runs from room to room singing etc, and you are trying to dress him.

It isn’t unknown for a child to be brought to nursery in their pyjamas. Sometimes just due to family disorganisation in the morning. We didn’t mind, we just got them dressed.
I think the oldest was very nearly school age and her mum was frazzled and cross and slung a carrier bag of clothes into the room with her, saying ‘See if you can do it!’ I sent the child behind a sofa to get dressed (I knew she could do it) and she came out dressed in less than two minutes with her brush for me to do her hair. No more was said and she never came in pyjamas again.
So that’s one option.

Another option was mentioned up-thread.
You put his clothes out so they are ready for him in the morning. He gets dressed in his room. That’s it really.
Make sure the clothes are as easy as possible. Pictures on the front of pants and tops are very helpful. Joggers not jeans with a zip and a button. Nothing tight.

Help him as much as is necessary, but no more. Praise him for every success, but in a matter of fact way. ‘You’re very good at that now you’re a big boy in Red group/Butterfly class/whatever ‘.

Remember, he does make the connection. He knows what he needs to do.

I have a family member a bit like your little one, he's slightly older now and seems to have come out the other side but still has the odd meltdown. I find it hard to watch, he gets so frustrated and hyper. I came from the school of naughty steps and discipline but I saw with him it was impossible! Screaming, running around, hitting and so strong it was unreal. It can be completely exhausting on a day to day basis. Honestly, all children are so very different, the sibling of my family member was an absolute dream child - the absolute literal opposite of his brother. The positives are, you are not becoming equally as angry or emotionally volatile and you are trying to understand his behavior. You're on the right track with seeking professional advice, just remember no one has all the answers - we are all out here winging it and what has been a bit of a harrowing experience will hopefully be replaced with some better times ahead

Possible ASD and only 3. I 100% agree with you calling him back. I'm shocked he's expecting so much of him, I wouldn't even expect that of a neurotypical child 😩

You totally did the right thing, getting your husband to take him. It's not easy but within your heart you knew that compassion is the best form of parenting. Setting boundaries is fundamental but that is a gentle process (almost like a little dance) with such a young child.

He's a baby ffs. With possible additional needs. Your husband was way out of line. Can't believe people still parent this way.

People might shout me down, but having had an ASD child myself, parenting techniques need to be different. It's hard work. So in this case did your DH spell out to the child exactly what he needed to do - in broken down, easy and simple steps; and the consequences of not complying? They just don't get things like neurotypical children. Also, he may have a language issue: even if his language appears normal it's not always the case that they are processing correctly ... I do agree that simply going off and leaving him with no swimming at all was a bit harsh at three years old - instead, maybe the trip could have been delayed for an hour, as a consequence of DS not complying? But I also fully support the "I mean what I say" - - after having given reasonable age appropriate chances for the child to comply. Hope that made sense. Looking ahead, one of the best things for me was when my DS learned to tell the time: I could then say, "we are leaving in 30 minutes, at 11.00" [always give a long lead in as it's very difficult for them to depart from their own agenda]; then "we are leaving in 20 minutes/15/10/5 etc" - and boy did we always leave on the dot of 11.00. But I could never make abrupt changes of plan, as in "oh we won't go straight home from nursery as usual because I've forgotten to buy bread", or "we are going in 5 minutes" as he just couldn't cope and would have a meltdown. Good luck.

Yes, he is only 36 months 🙄

Unless you can count the age in months without looking an idiot then it is a child, not a baby

Op, give yourself a break

You're damned if you do and damned if you don't at that age

I would listen to your nursery, see if you can arrange an assessment through your doctor. It is difficult at the age of 3 years to confirm any learning difficulties but I remember my elder son. The school picked up a physical issue when he was 4 (he couldn't stand on one leg) and he saw a paediatrician who thought that the school was a bit over the top. It turned out that he had dyspraxia and by the time it was properly diagnosed the paediatric department said he was too old at the age of 11 years to do the necessary exercises! He also had mild dyslexia which, again, the paediatrician failed to diagnose but he also did the same things as your son did. With dyslexia you have problems with fine motor skills, my DS had problems with buttons and often didn't listen and went off in a dream. Dyslexia also means that he can't read body language and understand facial expressions. Dyslexia is on the autism scale. I cannot say that your DS1 has any of these issues but, if he has, the earlier they are supported the better.

You and your husband should have got control of him to get him ready, at 3 he can't do it himself! At 3 he can only see the punishment, not the reasoning for it and this just seems cruel to me! Oh and before anyone jumps on me, I'm a mum of 4 with very firm boundaries but you have to use them age appropriately and your husband didn't in this case (especially if suspect AN)

As someone with an ASD sister, who was the DS2 in this case, your DH is in the right. This sort of thing happened a lot throughout my childhood and my sister learnt that she could pretty much do as she pleased as whatever ultimatum my DF made, my DM would always backtrack. It also spiralled into other areas so my sister ended up bullying me rather badly as she always got her own way. I ended up just taking myself off from the family. There will be times when your DS1 is having difficulty understanding / processing things, but there will be other times where he is just taking the micky.

The only reason he was able to leave him at home was because you're technically there. But you're actually working so is abit unfair on you. I think when it comes to WFH, the rest of the family have to treat you as if you're not there and next time dad has to deal with the situation himself.

It's 14 pages in. I've skim read some and read all your updates (but haven't read everything).

What I would say is - you're going to make mistakes. Every parent does. This situation was resolved and all is now well.

I think for you and your DH now there needs to be a warning system between the two of you - because I think what happened here is DH didn't just catch your son out with this one, he also caught you out with it too. So you panicked and were unprepared.

I do think your son will learn quickly if there are real consequences but it's not fair to impose a real consequence when you aren't ready for it, trying to work from home, and haven't got a plan b for the tantrum/upset.

DH needs to say to you, if he doesn't get ready this time, I'm going to leave him - are you OK with that? You need to decide the strategy together (needn't be a long discussion just a - I'm going to say and do x - are we agreed?)

Because what you absolutely don't want to do is give threats that aren't followed through.

He would have known to get ready next time. Three is old enough to understand. I suggest you are consistent for your own sake. My daughter went through a v difficult stage, dh and I hatched a plan and next time she pulled a stunt he turned round and walked her straight home, then explained clearly to me in front of her why he had. Never had to do it again.

I think the fear of missing out this time will be lesson enough and you gave him a second chance and he was able to go so you haven’t done anything wrong here. You need to let him know that if he doesn’t get ready he can’t go but also I think showing a second chance is possible if you do what you need to do is positive.

This. Parenting an ASD / ADHD child is a journey, I think you did the right thing here. You will get to know his triggers and how to avoid this situation as he grows. Structure is key with neurodiverse kids, you are doing all you can to learn about him and how to cope in seeking help. Your DH needs to understand this and learn from this. Dont be hard on yourself, it’s bloody difficult.

if the assumption is that your child is ASD, you cannot apply the exact same parenting decisions on him that you would on a neurotypical child. I have learnt after years spent making wrong decisions about my ASD child that once I lowered my expectations and stopped putting too much pressure, things stopped being so complicated and similar incidents have almost disappeared. What is easy for a neurotypical child is very hard for an ASD one, even for a mildly ASD one. Leaving the house, even for a much loved activity takes a huge effort from the child point of view, huge. Any transition between activities is like a mountain to climb in their eyes.

This ^^

I agree - plenty of learning in all that. Also - as his mother you felt the very high level of distress he had was too extreme for your son to process. The several losses involved were too great. I think it’s usually good to trust your instincts on these things. There is a big difference between giving in to a child’s every demand because you can’t be bothered to hold a boundary and deal with a disagreement on one hand or being empathetic enough with your child to understand what they are experiencing and what they can or can’t manage.
The fashion for leaving children to scream and cry without being soothed is actually not great for helping them become caring, empathetic adults later. Three-year olds are learning lots of things about themselves and the world and it’s hard work and confusing for them. Just as it is for the parents!