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AIBU?

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Original poster

Need advice on this possibly terrible/weak parenting decision of mine.

488 replies

KidsArt · 04/11/2022 10:14

Really want brutal opinions pls.

DS1 is 3 years old. He can be pretty challenging, in his own world, never listens, doesn't want to play with others, and his nursery have talked about ASD.

DH doesn't work on Fridays. He takes DS1 and DS2 (18 months) swimming. They all love it.

I work from home on Fridays.

DH just couldn't get DS1 ready. He wasn't listening. Refusing to get dressed. Playing with his trains. Running away from DH. this went on for 20 mins

DH left without him. Took DS2 and just walked out. He did give DS1 warning that he would leave unless he got dressed.

DS1 lost his mind. I mean, sobbing, wailing, throwing himself at the door. "I want my daddy. Where is daddy? I want to go swimming. Why not me? Please please. Where is Daddy. I'm sorry I'm sorry"

I don't think I've ever seen him that upset. He was shaking. He got all his clothes and was trying to put his own pants on, falling over, crying, collecting his towel, trying to get out the front door, looking for the car out the window.

I made DH come back and get him.

DH thinks this the reason DS1 is the way he is. That he needed to suck it up.

Is he right?

OP posts:
NemoNotThatOne · 04/11/2022 16:17

I do think he might have learned that if he doesn't get ready then he will be left, because in his view he didn't get ready and was left. Then when he did get ready, there was daddy back and he could go.

This is a very good way of putting it.

WeepingSomnambulist · 04/11/2022 16:30

@Flobbertybillop
@CherylCrows

Will you two just grow up and pack it in. This isnt your thread. This is a mum with an additional needs child asking for some support and advice and you're making it into a bloody stupid fight between the two of you.

Grow up. Take it to your private messages if you really feel the need to keep going on at one another.

Flobbertybillop · 04/11/2022 16:33

@WeepingSomnambulist fair point. Apologies op.
I’m done anyway.

zingally · 04/11/2022 16:35

I don't think your DH was unreasonable. There has to come a time in a childs life when threats do eventually become follow-throughs. There are actions to consequences. And if you dick around when we should be going swimming = you get left.
He'll remember that for the future, I'm sure.

Goldenbear · 04/11/2022 17:15

It seems unfair as a 3 year old has no sense of time. He's just a baby really, your description sounded so sad.

Softplayhooray · 04/11/2022 17:52

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 04/11/2022 10:22

So dh punished a toddler because HE couldn't parent him effectively? . What a twat.
Off track but how is he allowed to manage 2 under 5 alone in a pool?

A thousand percent this! Poor little guy. Sorry but we've all been there with a 3yr old and your DH needs to learn better coping skills rather than just walk out after a short time. Your son is so little still and it's not easy to teach little ones but it can be done without just giving up and leaving the poor kid heartbroken rejected and wailing at home. Of course he should have come back.

Notcoolmum · 04/11/2022 18:04

I think it's great you and your husband can talk about what happened calmly and without blame. I'd have been annoyed that's he'd left ds1 with me whilst I was working and he was in charge of childcare so I think you are a bigger person than me. Bringing up children has lots of testing moments. It sounds like you are doing just fine to me.

BeanieTeen · 04/11/2022 18:13

It seems unfair as a 3 year old has no sense of time. He's just a baby really, your description sounded so sad.

He’s not a baby - or a toddler even. He doesn’t need to have a sense of time - he just needs to know that when his dad says it’s time to get ready then that’s what needs to be done. He decided to refuse, run off and try and play instead. Parents/ adults in charge give instructions for a reason, if you don’t follow them - especially ones that involve getting ready, and you’re told ‘we’re going swimming’ - then that might mess up what’s coming next. 3 years old isn’t too young to learn that. Severity of ASD can vary - but many children with ASD will understand this too.

Nanny0gg · 04/11/2022 18:40

KidsArt · 04/11/2022 10:21

I agree that parents show follow through to. if he asks for a snack and i say no and he starts kicking off...no way would i give in. Or he tries to not go to bed etc.

But this one was different. When DH and DS1 left the house hand in hand and the door shut on DS1 (he was trying to leave with them still wearing his PJs) - he crumpled to the floor. I mean - it looked like real bloody rejection. He coudl not believe they were going swimming without him

maybe that is even more reason i should have just stuck it out. I feel awful now. i know DS1 needs boundaries and i just didn't know what to do.

I am pretty 'strict' as a rule. If I say something I mean it.
But you did the right thing.

a) He's very little to understand what not getting ready would really mean.
b) He felt abandoned by his daddy
c)Never give punishments that someone else has to deal with

He needs calm, time and organisation and carrots (just 'going swimming' isn't it.)
And maybe he isn't an 'organised' child

Nanny0gg · 04/11/2022 18:43

KidsArt · 04/11/2022 13:41

@Kanaloa You've been pretty harsh in a few of your comment - which I totally invited. I am interested in how you'd approach getting dressed.

So - for example - we have to go to nursery. He is running from room to room, refusing to stand still for more than 30 seconds, not just not listening but acting like I'm not even there. He doesn't hold eye contact, he runs away from me time and time again. I keep saying "DS we need to get dressed now" - I don't use any techniques or "pandering" as you call it. What do I do instead?

I'd possibly take him with his clothes in a bag. Not as a punishment (I did that with my NT children!!) but as a practical solution.

Kanaloa · 04/11/2022 18:44

KidsArt · 04/11/2022 14:38

@Kanaloa "Well, what do you usually do?"

I told you what i usually do and you told me I was doing the wrong thing! That's why i asked for an alternative idea. My technique of making up games etc works eventually. And you said I was pandering to him. Of course I use now and next boards. Of course I tell him he has to get dressed. Of course I give him warnings. Getting dressed is a habit he has to do once or twice a day - and yet every time is a battle. So i created games to get through it, and you said i was giving him the wrong message and pandering to him by doing a big song and dance. And then you say in your post 'well, what do you usually do' - i mean i've literally told you in detail what I do and you've told me it's the wrong thing - so not sure why you're asking that!

And I told you what I would do. I would use the now and next board and then would dress him. Not running from room to room, taking 30 minutes etc every time. I’d just put the clothes on him. And, in a situation like this (waiting to go and do an activity) I would say ‘if you want to go swimming put these on, otherwise you won’t come’ and then would leave. I know you say he doesn’t/can’t understand this at all, but this is clearly not the case - because as soon as he was about to miss out he ran to and did exactly what he ‘couldn’t’ do.

Bonatos · 04/11/2022 18:50

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Harainee · 04/11/2022 18:54

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I agree with this.

Also, I hope you don't mind me mentioning that 'having a paddy' is now considered a racist slur. Many Irish people hate it, many are just used to hearing it, others aren't offended at all, but it's probably worth just being aware of it!

Original poster
KidsArt · 04/11/2022 19:19

@Kanaloa "I'd just put the clothes on him"

Woah. Why didn't I think of that?

You should write a parenting book.

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 04/11/2022 19:19

KidsArt · 04/11/2022 19:19

@Kanaloa "I'd just put the clothes on him"

Woah. Why didn't I think of that?

You should write a parenting book.

Why ask for brutal responses then get snotty when you get them? What your husband did worked. The child is clearly capable of following these instructions.

Original poster
KidsArt · 04/11/2022 19:25

@Kanaloa i haven't been snotty with anyone else but you're talking like I'm choosing for it be like this. Like I just need to tell him what's what. Do you think I want to spend 30 mins getting him ready? Or bloody pretend to be a dinosaur every night to get him in the bath. I'm trying to avoid total meltdown.

My house has been trashed numerous times a week. I've gone to work with bruises on my face. I'm trying my frigging best.

OP posts:
Bonatos · 04/11/2022 19:25

@Harainee oh wow, I genuinely didn't know this. Thank you for letting me know and sorry if I did offend anyone.

Kanaloa · 04/11/2022 19:27

But it seems like telling him what’s what does work for this child. He ran to do as he’d been asked then went off with a big smile on his face.

I’m sorry that it’s so hard for you at the moment though, it sounds like there are deeper issues than this one occasion. Are you engaging with outside help or support at all?

Harainee · 04/11/2022 19:29

Bonatos · 04/11/2022 19:25

@Harainee oh wow, I genuinely didn't know this. Thank you for letting me know and sorry if I did offend anyone.

I'm absolutely convinced you didn't intend to offend - thanks so much for taking it as it was meant, just a gentle heads up!

PrestonNorthHen · 04/11/2022 19:39

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Being distraught is just another emotion.
Mine became distraught over the wrong sandwich they had asked foror if I peeled their banana they asked for it to be peeled.
Completely and utterly distraught.
That's 3 year olds for you and its poor parenting to tiptoe around them trying to stop a tantrum.
It just makes it worse.
The fact he was smiling in the car shows he was fine shortly after.
Op please use this episode for him to learn going forward.
Remind him gently how he felt and that it's important to get dressed when asked , as he needs to be dressed to go swimming.
One thing that stands out is your use of quite catastrophic language
terrible, weak parenting
Please give yourself a break Flowers 3 year olds are hard work!

Original poster
KidsArt · 04/11/2022 19:50

Thanks @Kanaloa sorry for being shitty. Long day/week/year 😂

Yes, longstanding issues, from the day he was born he's been furious and wanted to throw and break stuff from before he coudl walk. Now I have a 2nd child I can see that his behaviour is not within normal range I guess..

But I feel like he's vulnerable in some way. Maybe I'm ridiculous. I don't know. But I know DH leaving got him to do the thing that was apparently so hard.

And yes we are getting external help. As much as we can. Thanks for commenting and suggesting stuff.

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 04/11/2022 19:57

For what it’s worth my son was also like that until about age 5. Diagnosed with autism very early, much much better now at almost 9. It does change a bit. He does still have meltdowns and it’s very hard, but I just have to allow him to feel like this, and help him learn coping mechanisms. It’s awful to watch your child in such distress, but he just doesn’t interact with the world the same way I do, and I have to allow him to be in his feelings at that time.

Winterfires · 04/11/2022 20:28

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 04/11/2022 10:22

So dh punished a toddler because HE couldn't parent him effectively? . What a twat.
Off track but how is he allowed to manage 2 under 5 alone in a pool?

The pools around here allow that, how would you go swimming with twins if not?

OCDmama · 04/11/2022 21:00

My heart hurts reading this.

This punishment was way too much. Especially reading that he tried to leave in his pajamas. It's tough to get little ones ready, even to do stuff they like.

The level of distress caused (shaking!) Was absolutely not okay, you did the right thing making your husband come back.

phishy · 04/11/2022 21:39

this possibly terrible/weak parenting decision of mine.

Not possibly weak, definitely weak. And you’ve taken nothing from 300 posts, you still think you were right. Poor ds2.