Need advice on this possibly terrible/weak parenting decision of mine.

[KidsArt]

Really want brutal opinions pls.

DS1 is 3 years old. He can be pretty challenging, in his own world, never listens, doesn't want to play with others, and his nursery have talked about ASD.

DH doesn't work on Fridays. He takes DS1 and DS2 (18 months) swimming. They all love it.

I work from home on Fridays.

DH just couldn't get DS1 ready. He wasn't listening. Refusing to get dressed. Playing with his trains. Running away from DH. this went on for 20 mins

DH left without him. Took DS2 and just walked out. He did give DS1 warning that he would leave unless he got dressed.

DS1 lost his mind. I mean, sobbing, wailing, throwing himself at the door. "I want my daddy. Where is daddy? I want to go swimming. Why not me? Please please. Where is Daddy. I'm sorry I'm sorry"

I don't think I've ever seen him that upset. He was shaking. He got all his clothes and was trying to put his own pants on, falling over, crying, collecting his towel, trying to get out the front door, looking for the car out the window.

I made DH come back and get him.

DH thinks this the reason DS1 is the way he is. That he needed to suck it up.

Is he right?

That sounds very positive all around for all of you.

That's a good update.

It's just a frustrating situation and you all have to get through as best you can. Good luck to any parent who can raise their kids without making mistakes. It's difficult.

Good update. That sounds like a good resolution all round.

Can I ask you @KidsArt - if your DS1 didn't get dressed in the morning, what would the consequences of that be? He would show up to nursery in his pyjamas, right; with all of the other kids arriving in dressed and ready for whatever the day holds. So, he doesn't get dressed. He'll soon stop that when he isn't able to do X, Y or Z in Nursery because he isn't dressed for it.

I do think that your DH should have gone on to swimming on this one occasion without your DS1. Yes, your DS1 was smiling from ear to ear as you said because he got to go swimming but I wonder if he was doing that because he threw himself on the ground sobbing because his Daddy went without him and he has now learned that if he does that, Daddy comes back and gets him and he still gets to do the fun thing.

I would try to tough it out if something like that happens again.

Using language that he can and does understand, if you could get down to his level, sit on the floor and cuddle and console him and say "DS1, Daddy asked you to get ready to go swimming and you didn't get ready. Daddy said that if you didn't get ready, you wouldn't be going swimming with him, so that is why he left to go swimming. If you were ready, you could go swimming. Do you understand why you didn't get to go swimming? I'm sorry you are upset but this is what will be happening if you aren't ready when your Daddy asks you to get dressed."
Cuddle him, explain to him, then give him something else to distract him until Daddy comes back from swimming.

“He would show up to nursery in his pyjamas, right; with all of the other kids arriving in dressed and ready for whatever the day holds. So, he doesn't get dressed. He'll soon stop that when he isn't able to do X, Y or Z in Nursery because he isn't dressed for it.”

hmm I wouldn’t be so certain that that’s how that pans out

Ah it’s your kids then

Since your emotionally abusive husband and yourself separated I wonder how much context they’ve had

Just as an FYI it’s a fact ‘attachment issues’ don’t exist in a psychological setting. People can have anxiety related to separation, but that’s not the same thing.

I hope you can get the help you and your family need

The main issue is that you have overruled your husband who was right to leave him.

His actions had a consequence and then mummy came in and overturned. That’s not great really is it.

I don't think I overruled my husband. Terrible as such a thought would be 😂 I phoned him and said "DS1 is beside himself, I think you should come back". He was irritated, but is now absolutely fine. I didn't openly disagree with DH and we put on a united front. @SherbetDips

@KidsArt great 👍

I do think some people are a tad optimistic about what DS reaction would be to certain things. He would happily go to nursery in his PJs, he doesn't really understand what PJs are - he tries to go to bed with shoes on etc all the time. Also, at activities at nursery - the problem is he WANTS to not be included. He doesn't want to do story time or play with other kids, he wants to be left alone.

He didn't want to be left today because he was jealous of his brother and because he loves his dad. But honestly, with 99% of things that don't involve his family - he would much rather do them alone or not at all.

Re him running from room to room - you stop it by shutting the door and sitting in front of it in his room so he can’t get out.
You’ll have to work out how you’re going to approach this next week as he needs to understand that he won’t be going if he messes about again. So it can’t be ‘ I got to go swimming because I got dressed - when I decided to’ but ‘I get to go swimming when I get dressed when daddy says’. He needs to understand that daddy won’t come back for him this time - that’s going to be the challenge. You and DH need to plan out your strategy. Hope it goes better next week!

Clearly if the problem was DH was supposed to be looking after the children while the OP worked that's a different issue and DH was totally in the wrong. It wasn't presented that way though.

Agree. Patient, kind, compassionate, structured, simple, logical.

The child here was not at fault and shouldn't punished in any sense of the word.

@Maray1967 - yeah, I have tried that before. Putting him in his bedroom and sitting there so he doesnt' come out. Oh the room gets trashed. I mean - that boy can push over furniture I'd struggle to lift. He is besides himself, Banging his head, biting himself, throwing anything and everything. But thank you - I know we are trying to get to a place where he does things because he's asked rather than because i've distracted him, made it into a game, persuaded him, but it's really bloody tough

@CherylCrows wow, you are really invested in me.
Still wrong, and you still don’t know what you’re talking about

If she is working from home again next week then maybe the plan should be something that doesn’t involve her?

That would be nice @BiasedBinding !

So you rewarded bad behaviour? Proving to your child that tantrums work, only encouraging future tantrums, good luck, you're gonna need it.

Says the person feverishly clinging to the idea of being right about something that doesn’t actually exist 😂

@CherylCrows take a look in the mirror my lovely.

Was it really bad behaviour though? Or was DS just a (possibly) neurodivergent 3 year old who was struggling to understand what was expected of him re deadlines?
Poor behaviour isn't always the result of a child purposely misbehaving.

Don't be so silly. Responding compassionately to your child's distress us not 'rewarding bad behaviour'

Probably not, since the OP sounds like a caring, compassionate, thoughtful parent.

The idea of 'tantrums working' and rigid reward/punishment, good/bad behaviour (especially in a possibly ND 3 year old) is a not a style of parenting that everyone subscribes to.

Some parents view children of any age learning to shut up and do as they're told as some kind of parenting gold standard, regardless of any other factors. Christ knows why - it's a horrible approach, in my view.

I'm sure others posters will have mentioned it but if your child does have autism, you should think of him as being one third of his age younger. So he's not three, he's more like a two year old's stage of development. Your expectations of him should be adjusted accordingly. At this age I wouldn't have expected my son (diagnosed at three) to be able to manage getting himself ready, I would have assisted him throughout because he wouldn't have been able to focus on the task I wanted him to do for long enough. So I would have helped both children to get ready for swimming.

It's frustrating as a parent when your child isn't doing things for themselves, but autism is a disability of significant impairments. You need to remember that they are not being awkward for the sake of it, they are being awkward because some of their brain connections are impaired and they just cannot do all that a typical child of their physical age can do. Generally they need more support than would be usual to achieve tasks.

I do think he might have learned that if he doesn't get ready then he will be left, because in his view he didn't get ready and was left. Then when he did get ready, there was daddy back and he could go.

I know we are trying to get to a place where he does things because he's asked rather than because i've distracted him, made it into a game, persuaded him, but it's really bloody tough

We still use this method, and DS is 14. Sometimes a bit of fun and humour goes long way... You're in it for the long haul OP, do whatever you need to and take each day as it comes.