Need advice on this possibly terrible/weak parenting decision of mine.

[KidsArt]

Really want brutal opinions pls.

DS1 is 3 years old. He can be pretty challenging, in his own world, never listens, doesn't want to play with others, and his nursery have talked about ASD.

DH doesn't work on Fridays. He takes DS1 and DS2 (18 months) swimming. They all love it.

I work from home on Fridays.

DH just couldn't get DS1 ready. He wasn't listening. Refusing to get dressed. Playing with his trains. Running away from DH. this went on for 20 mins

DH left without him. Took DS2 and just walked out. He did give DS1 warning that he would leave unless he got dressed.

DS1 lost his mind. I mean, sobbing, wailing, throwing himself at the door. "I want my daddy. Where is daddy? I want to go swimming. Why not me? Please please. Where is Daddy. I'm sorry I'm sorry"

I don't think I've ever seen him that upset. He was shaking. He got all his clothes and was trying to put his own pants on, falling over, crying, collecting his towel, trying to get out the front door, looking for the car out the window.

I made DH come back and get him.

DH thinks this the reason DS1 is the way he is. That he needed to suck it up.

Is he right?

DH doesn't have the patience for it. THat's the problem. He just doesn't understand why DS doesn't just get dressed

Considering that ds1 tried to get changed as soon as his daddy left, he clearly can get changed and the whole getting teddy changed drama is as unhelpful as your h thinking that ds1 should get changed he's when he says so.
It's very normal for a 3 year old to do something like refuse to get changed . I remember my NT children insisting that they would go out without a coat in winter so I had to take one with me and wait for them to get cold enough to want it . Never had that problem again.

“I remember my NT children insisting that they would go out without a coat in winter so I had to take one with me and wait for them to get cold enough to want it . Never had that problem again.”

hahaha I tried that and had a NT 3yo screaming that he was cold but still refusing to put the coat on. They don’t always follow the logic through at that age sadly

My middle child has ASD. I have an elder and a younger child, I have ADHD/ASD myself too. I’m also a lone parent that works full time.

I’ve taken had occasions where I’ve had to just take middle DD out in her pyjamas, so her siblings don’t miss out on their activities or on things I’ve booked for all of us. Trainers on, coat on, out the door. Can’t afford to waste money on missed cinema tickets, other DDs shouldn’t have to miss out on their classes etc.

Shes 11 now and mostly gets left at home whilst I do the various drop offs and pick ups.

But it also sounds to me like your DH is ineffective at juggling two small children.

Also agree.

He’s only 3, still very young. The threat of not going and leaving without him is enough.

Why do people with zero experience of ND children keep making comments about things they know nothing about? I can’t imagine having this level of confidence making statements about things I know nothing about. What’s it like to be this arrogant/deluded?

Explain it to me like I’m stupid.

I was told to do that with my autistic three year old who wouldn't wear a coat. "Just take it with you! When she gets cold she'll wear it and you'll never have that problem again!"

She has really poor interoception so all that happened was that she got very, very cold and didn't notice.

All I'd taught her was that I was indeed prepared to let her go out without a coat, so the next time when I insisted she was furious.

Dealing with ND children really can mean doing things differently.

Your dh should not have left you to WFH while dealing with a distressed autistic 3 year old that he couldnt be bothered with. Now hes blaming you for that 3 year olds behaviour. Not on.

Mines the same. Coupled with sensory issues that mean she would far rather wear shorts and a t shirt all year round, it’s been a real joy trying to stop her dying of hypothermia for the last 11 years

I don’t understand why you are saying ‘we need to get dressed now’. Are you not dressed yourself? Do you dress at the same time as him?( surely not). It seems very confusing, why not just say YOU need to get dressed now. A clear request, which he can identify as him , not some nebulous plural.

Exactly this.

I'm a big fan of boundaries and your DS1 doesn't sound like he has good boundaries. It's not so much 'suck it up' as realize that there is a line and he crossed it by refusing to listen. Yes I think your husband did the right thing. Lesson learnt. I don't know if this helps but my husband has a rule about reading to my daughter at bedtime (she's 10 and can read but likes the time with her dad). She has to be IN THE BED at half 8 or he won't read to her. It's her choice. She has missed the deadline multiple times and now is on the ball with bedtime.

i can well believe it. this example of a “simple solution” and “natural consequences” didn’t even work with my NT 3yo - which isn’t to say that others don’t, but I roll my eyes at the idea that you might not have thought of it

YNBU. He is incredibly young and from the reaction you have described he did learn a lesson, even if, he still got to go swimming in the end.

I haven't read the full thread but OP i totally empathise as I've a DS with asd and I can tell you that the age of 3/4 were the worse for us. He didn't understand boundaries or consequences the way a NT child of that age would and I nearly died of guilt one day after I sat him outside in the hall on the stairs as I had completely had enough of his behaviour and it was only afterwards that I realised that he just had no idea why I had punished him and that I had frightened him. That was probably a bit of a turnaround for me with how I handled things going forward. He is 7 now and the calmest most amazing little boy but I know his triggers now.

Also, your DH should not have assumed that you'll stop your working day to do childcare. That was completely out of order. That also needs to be addressed.

Certainly does.

@Kanaloa "Well, what do you usually do?"

I told you what i usually do and you told me I was doing the wrong thing! That's why i asked for an alternative idea. My technique of making up games etc works eventually. And you said I was pandering to him. Of course I use now and next boards. Of course I tell him he has to get dressed. Of course I give him warnings. Getting dressed is a habit he has to do once or twice a day - and yet every time is a battle. So i created games to get through it, and you said i was giving him the wrong message and pandering to him by doing a big song and dance. And then you say in your post 'well, what do you usually do' - i mean i've literally told you in detail what I do and you've told me it's the wrong thing - so not sure why you're asking that!

Pretty useless parenting from DH I would have thought. And certainly no regard for you and your work.

@CherylCrows again. You have NO idea what you’re talking about
Really you don’t.
I’m out

Im thinking you have decided you’ve got abandonment issues, and aren’t liking it being pointed out that doesn’t actually ‘exist’

@Flobbertybillop Oh sorry this thread has somehow turned into a way to tell you you don't understand things that clearly you have personal experience of. And don't worry about being harsh on me or DH - you are definitely not harsh compared to some of them! ha ha! hope you're alright x

They had a lovely time by the way. All came back happy as anything. I spoke to DS1 and explained again about getting ready when we ask and he said "Ok Mummy" in a way like he was actually listening so hopefully something went in.

Also DH not angry about me "undermining him" at all. He was pissed off at being late for swimming and pissed off about the whole thing - but he also recognises that he made the decision to leave because he was angry which is never good. Also, DS1 doesn't think about "divide and rule". He didn't hear me on the phone ask DH to come home. We just explained to him that because he had put his clothes and shoes on, he could now go swimming and he seemed to undersatnd that.

Could it be then your dressing routine and DH's are so different that the DS didn't realise what Dad was actually asking - or indeed, how to do it himself without the teddies and the cajoling you do?

I don't have a ND child, but would being on the same page about how tasks are done by both you and DH would help? And keeping the routine the same before swimming as you would before nursery for example, just in the car you are going elsewhere that day.

I do know that my own DS at that age would not dress himself either so it may just be a toddler moment not necessarily an ASD moment.

You all had a rough morning. And all of you have taken away something to think about from it. Why not park it for the weekend and then you and DH can have a chat about creating a consistent routine that both of you stick to and see if that helps you all - I used to set a bunch of timers on my phone (still do for the school run) but there was the breakfast timer, the getting dressed timer and the go to the car timer. That sort of thing. Audio cues might help DS.

Have a on me.

Not on to leave him with you whilst you were working. But as a general technique I don’t think dh was harsh at all. He’s tried for 20 mins, warned and carried through. It’s a clear natural consequence - don’t get dressed you miss out.
I’m not sure why he’s running from room to room. My mum would have used phrase leading you a merry dance. Shut you and him in bedroom or use a gate to dress.
I do think your techniques of making it a game and allowing him to faff about confuse things as at nursery or if you are off swimming there’s no faffing time.
Hes 3. He needs clear instructions and tone - shoes on we are going now.

@CherylCrows bless you sweetheart
no, it’s not that at all.