I'm mad as hell

[WannabeArtist]

I am. I can't take it anymore.

DS with ASD (no diagnosis yet but nursery and every professional whos ever met him tells us to go to GP). He just threw his all his toys at the wall & down the stairs breaking them all because I went for a wee and he didn't want me to.

DS2 left in his cot crying for so long while I sort out DS1. I feel so awful. Poor DS2. He is going to get hurt soon

DH downstairs doing FA about any of it. I started to cry and he said "don't do that".

My pelvic floor is fucked so I'm literally pissing myself while one son throws his toys at my head and the other is screaming in his cot. Took me 12 months to see a gyno. She referred to physio and just got a letter saying it will be 18 months.

My job is a joke.

My kids don't let me leave the room. They both cling and cling.

Everything is always messy. I actually think my bathroom smells.

Every night I drink.

My gas bill was nearly 300 quid.

No point writing this but I feel like I'm going mad.

I want to walk out my house and never stop walking.

Please help me. I know you can't. But Im desperate.

Seriously, I think this is a good idea. Your husband needs to do his share, and you need a break. Best of luck with it all xx

Could your HV arrange some parenting classes for your DH? I also feel you have to be more hard line about him actually caring for the children rather than this type of strategic incompetence.

I would recommend seeing if you have a local Homestart. They might be able to send you someone who would come once a week for a couple of hours and give some support. It doesn't sound like much but it would give you a few minutes to yourself and someone sympathetic to talk to and to find other sources of support / work towards solutions for you.

Of course they both scream for you, because he doesn't bother his arse to bond with them! And what a pathetic wimp of an excuse - "they hate me"!!! Is this man actually an adult!?

Why can't DH fill out the forms? Can't he write either? So mad on your behalf. How cruel is he that he can watch someone he's supposed to love and cherish struggle as you are and do nothing to help?

This needs to be sorted out right now, or you will be facing a lifetime of this shit. As for "icky" - bet he wasn't saying that when he was making babies with you! He needs to shape up and take responsibility. He's a husband and a father and he chose that. Please look after yourself and don't take any more of this crap from him! xx

Yes that's a great idea

Or contact social work and see if a family support worker could give you some help

I got a pelvic floor trainer. A set of little weighted cone things, with exercises to do with them. It really helped me and was not v expensive.

Re your dh. It is a viscous circle: the kids cry for you as they are used to you and not him, so you deal with them and the cycle continues. The only way to break the cycle is for him to look after his own kids, solo, ideally when you are out the house. Go out for the afternoon then stay in a cheap travel lodge for a night. It will help you, your kids and may be the kick up the arse he needs. It can be arranged in advance, no excuses for him not parenting his own kids

You are under so much strain with zero support, sounds like you’re doing amazingly.

As a very tiny basic first step can your husband spend some of his hours on his phone reading some articles? Agree that a parenting course for him is much needed but I assume that may be a bit over-ambitious at the moment.

This one would be a good start www.janetlansbury.com/2015/02/when-children-prefer-one-parent/

If he’s not willing to start taking making this tiny effort to engage and become more conscious of how to parent then he needs a serious reality check.

Right - it's bedtime that is pushing me over the edge. Someone asked about pressure points/triggers etc - and it's bedtime where I feel totally out of control. I had that same feelign again tonight, like I wanted to leave them all behind.

Bedtime:

DS1 runs around manically, putting all his clothes on his bed, throwing toys, refusing to brush teeth, wanting to wear his coat to bed etc, everything is everywhere. I try everything - stern, angry, gentle, distraction, physically picking him up, repeating the instruction again and again - none of it seems to cut through.

DS2 runs after DS1 all excited

DH tries to get DS2 to bed but basically just sits there on his phone getting grumpier and grumpier. If I pick up DH on it I get "I have had a hard day at work/I'm trying my best" - he often says hes trying his best, and that is a kind of get out of jail car.

I manage to wrestle DS1 into his bedroom eventually through lots of bribery and 'if we go to bed now, we will do this fun thing tomorrow' etc - but DH allows DS2 to run back in DS1 bedroom (many times), and we have to start the whole process again as DS1 gets all excited again.

We go up to bed at 6pm, I'm just downstairs now and nearly 8. It's nearly 2 hours of absoulte chaos and seems to just epitomise everything i feel - i manage it all, if I leave them to it, it's gets worse, if i stay - i just have to put up with it.

And that's why I then come down and drink. Every day I say I won't and then something will happen, a toy will hit me in the face, DH will shout at me, DS2 will get particularly upset, DS1 will hit me, etc and then i'm reaching for the wine agian (after having probably wet mysefl at some point)

I need to change it up but i'm not sure how. I know i@m not alone in any of this. Sometimes I look at DS1 and it feels like we arne't on the same side at all, like he's trying to upset me. I know he's not. He loves me. I feel that love, he clings and hugs me and he tells me. But he just has no respect for me, he couldn't care less about anything I say.

Anyone with ND kids got any tips for how to have a calmer bedtime?

Oh wow! I struggle with just the one and bed time!

Have you tried a later bed time?

You sound like a great mother - you have the patience of a Saint. I’d be a full on raging alcoholic. I’d say stop doing two bedtimes at once - don’t let them both upstairs. Your DH can do one of them or at the very least keep the other one downstairs! He should be doing more to help and be part of the team imo. He sounds like you’re dragging him along and it’s another shit thing you have to do on top of everything else.

I totally get you about the ritual of a drink after all this bedtime faff. Can you replace that ‘hobby’ with another ritual. A nice bath with podcast and a hot choc? Or even a glass of something non alcoholic. Something nice just for you. And a little rest and breathing space. That’s what the wine is doing for you- fill that gap with something else. Best of luck to you op, I think you’re doing amazing in very hard circumstances with no support Xx

@sjxoxo some of my friends who have seen DS1 in action have remarked "you have the patience of a saint" but I literally don't have an option to not have patience. I would be screaming all day long if I expressed how I'm feeling inside but it's not fair on DS and also doesn't actually work..I could be screaming at the top of my lungs and he'd carryon regardless

I will try to leave him downstairs tomorrow and split them out. Good idea. Thank you!

This sounds like when mine were small. You need to escape for a couple of hours at the weekend. Go and have a coffee somewhere on your own with a book. Or get husband to take kids to the park. Don't tidy the house just chill out and do nothing.

I used to live for those couple of hours each week!

So you've done really well, you've identified the problem.

Now start engineering it out, so you don't have to win by vast amounts of effort!

Things like stair gates, going for a wee before you start, do bedtime prep- book and drink ready on the bedside table before you start. Have a plan.

Keep it calm. No chasing. No interaction with them outside their bedroom. We sat in the lounge in the dark in silence once, when DC wouldn't go up to bed. She eventually cracked and we took her up. She was so sure she was missing out by going to bed.

Re your husband, try and reframe it. Go somewhere to talk, earlier in the day before the stress peaks. Make it a joint problem. Bed time is dreadful, what are we going to do? Don't tell him what he should be doing, brain storm ideas about how to improve it. If you share the problem you'll have a better chance of sharing the solution.

There won't be an instant fix, but it will gradually get better as you stop the things that don't work and stick to the things that do.