I'm mad as hell

[WannabeArtist]

I am. I can't take it anymore.

DS with ASD (no diagnosis yet but nursery and every professional whos ever met him tells us to go to GP). He just threw his all his toys at the wall & down the stairs breaking them all because I went for a wee and he didn't want me to.

DS2 left in his cot crying for so long while I sort out DS1. I feel so awful. Poor DS2. He is going to get hurt soon

DH downstairs doing FA about any of it. I started to cry and he said "don't do that".

My pelvic floor is fucked so I'm literally pissing myself while one son throws his toys at my head and the other is screaming in his cot. Took me 12 months to see a gyno. She referred to physio and just got a letter saying it will be 18 months.

My job is a joke.

My kids don't let me leave the room. They both cling and cling.

Everything is always messy. I actually think my bathroom smells.

Every night I drink.

My gas bill was nearly 300 quid.

No point writing this but I feel like I'm going mad.

I want to walk out my house and never stop walking.

Please help me. I know you can't. But Im desperate.

www.kegel8.co.uk/kegel8-ultra.html?gclid=CjwKCAjwzY2bBhB6EiwAPpUpZk2FF0EG5QCRrHLs3SF1lzw4x1Z7-zAA-Mo3wmmdobHM2hHZl7wAbBoClOIQAvD_BwE
This helped enormously with my prolapse. Not exactly on the cheap side, but the results were definitely worth the price. Hope things improve for you soon.

Your DH is not helping his children get closer to him by pulling away.

Can you get someone else to speak to your husband? His mum?

Basically he has to put the effort in so the kids believe he can meet their needs. That is his job, he's a dad. It's got sod all to do with whether he feels the kids like him.

You say the only problem you can't fix is your DH, but that to me and a lot of PPs seems like the biggest problem. You can't change that your children need you, but your husband needs to be a father to them. You need a break. I know a lot of partners don't do their fair share of childcare, but it seems like he is doing literally zero of it.

If he had to go out for an evening, he wouldn't consider the kids would he? He'd just say I need to go out tonight, see you later. You do the same. Get dressed, tell him you're going out for a bit, and leave him to deal with them for a few hours. He'll start appreciating more what it is you do to care for those children every day.

Thank you for all helpful suggestions. I do feel much better this morning, determined.

DH definitely can look after them by himself. He has done. But he can't seem to do anything hard so as soon as DS refuses to get dressed DH walks out the room. It's not like I've got any secret techniques, I just keep going. If I'm at home the DC follow me round but they both get looked after by other people or nursery etc if I'm at work.

I can't talk to him in the moment when he gives up or walks off when DS needs help cos we end up shouting which I don't want to do infront of DC. So now I get on with it and then have tried in the evenings to say he can't give up and leave me to do all the hard studf but he just goes on about the fact he made the dinner or that's he's tired and to stop nagging/getting at him.

I can't even tell him about the pelvic floor stuff. I tried but he said he was supportive but also kinda doesn't want to know. He's find that stuff icky.

Not wanting to support a lazy husband but I'm pretty sure that if you'd suggested a husband take a saucepan to his wife's head you'd be getting flamed on here...

I found the NHS squeeze app really helpful for my pelvic floor.

Your biggest problem is your lazy, useless DH who has completely checked out of parenting. He needs a hard and fast wake up call. I’m a single parent, I would be seething with resentment if I had a husband who sat there doing nothing with his self pitying bullshit, expecting my sympathy when I’m the one doing all soul crushing, back breaking work.

Don't rely on the NHS for anything pelvic floor related, they’re a joke. Once I’m on my long break, I’ll find what I used to sort my problems out a few years ago, and as a single mother with 3DCs incl. one that’s ND like me, it wasn’t anything spendy. Although I’m sure someone else will post it/similar before I get chance.

He gives up because you’re there to swoop in and take over. What would he do if you didn’t? Just leave him undressed? Of course not, he would have to persevere: I know sometimes it’s just easier to do things yourself but in the long term it isn’t.

Your husband is a useless arse, parenting a child with asd is bloody hard work.

Hi OP, re. your pelvic floor/incontinence issues can I recommend something? I have one if these Kegel 8 Ultra electronic pelvic floor toner gadets and it is brilliant for strengthening your pelvic floor muscles, I noticed a definite improvement within weeks and currently don't feel I need to use it often any more as it did such a good job. It's a bit pricey for the initial outlay but it will last you years and years. I can't recommend it enough. I struggle doing pelvic floor exercises on my own and they took ages - with this I used to use it first thing in the morning and have it in while doing my make up, drying my hair, so it didn't get in the way of my routine - ideal to use while doing the ironing, multitasking! Here it is: www.kegel8.co.uk/kegel8-pelvic-toners.html

I'm glad someone recommended Elaine, she's a Mumnetter, or used to be, a lovely and very funny woman. She's a professional physio in this..ahem..area.

All the best OP, I hope you get some help from your husband, he needs to step up.

Fuck that, it's not help they're his kids too.

If you can afford it go to a private physio. I got a private assessment whilst waiting for the NHS to come through and they will give you all the exercises you need in that assessment, no need to continue with follow up appointment unless you want to/can afford to. It will be getting worse because lifting causes more damage. You need to engage your pelvic floor and suck in your abdomen muscles every time you lift. That will help.

I wish I could help with your other issues. In a similar but less intense situation myself. I’m looking forward to wine o’clock. 5 on the dot

Finds it icky yet happily would have "icky" sex with you down there.. WTF am I reading! He is just saying that to get out of supporting you about it. He sounds fucking useless! He should be taking on 50% of all this if you're working too.

When I'm having a bad day I pretend I'm being filmed for a channel 4 parenting documentary. It helps me deal with the chaos (two under 2 here) and try and keep things together abit.

Think the crux is the issue is your husband. We have plenty of days that are full on shit storms (actually quite literally) but we experience them together as a team which means that we can then rant/ laugh/ analyse/ troubleshoot as a team. It doesn't always change the outcome but its alot less lonely!

Sorry things are so hard right now!

You cannot discipline an an ASD child like a neuro typical one. They do not process the same way.
My niece has a few comforting activities and a relative found it annoying and said 'why can't you just make her stop - she needs to be punished if she won't'. It just doesn't work like that.
You need a diagnosis and then fight for whatever help you can get.

Well leaving aside the fact that he's a useless asshole opting out of parenting, presumably he could actually clean and tidy the house?

You need to prioritise. It doesn't matter that your house is a tip. It matters that you aren't coping. Could you afford a cleaner?

You need to recruit family into helping you. Get them to look after the kids while you have a night off. Your husband needs to step up too

I've been there.

My biggest piece of advice.... unless your youngest is breastfed still and you are unable to leave him because he really, really cannot be without you for a couple of nights...... get away for the weekend, tell hubby not to get in touch unless it's an emergency and just go. Go by yourself, please no one but yourself.

The time to yourself, the quiet, the peace and the complete lack of responsibility is so restorative. It really helps me be able to come back in to the chaos and cope.....do it once every month or two for a while if possible.

Re the pelvic floor problem on Insta and FB you have Our fit family life. She deals with diastasis recti and pelvic floor problems. I did the first two courses and it is sorted. With correct tecniques you can do it yourself at home. Forget the useles nhs and similars.

what a big baby of a husband
crying about how his kids don’t love him, because they want their mum, and he’s too tired from working 8 hours a day and relaxing the rest of the time, he is an absolute wet wipe.
he needs to get a grip and help you
if not, you may as well leave because he doesn’t love you enough to help you, support you, help his kids or anything else. At least if he has them EOW you’ll get a break then which you’re not getting now.

talk to him, he needs to take you seriously, you’re on the verge of a breakdown and alcoholism. And he can’t handle a crying child to help his partner?! The best case scenario here is that his heads so far up his own arse he hasn’t seen how much you’re struggling, and talking to him seriously, frankly may help him retrieve it, and sort himself out. Doing more parenting will help him gain confidence and he will build up a bond with the children who then may accept his help over yours.

writing a list is a great idea, tackle each thing bit by bit. It’s very overwhelming other wise.
so you can go back to your dr, insist on help (obv may not work but no harm!)
go private if you can
use YouTube for now.

talk to your husband and set our clear expectations of help.

arrange times he is in charge and you get a break, go out if you can so he can’t ask for help.

look at your to do list and see what you can outsource or re delegate (husband, friends family, hiring help if you can)
and so on.

good luck op, you’re so strong for managing all of this so far and for recognising it’s too much now

Are you in the UK - if so contact Home Start - they maybe able to help you at home. Your situation sounds very difficult.

With your pelvic floor the sex life questions were probably related to finding about your overall pelvic health. Pilates will help though - I really recommend my teacher who is a pelvic floor specialist and has two young kids herself. www.sammace.com/ Hope you feel better soon, you sound utterly overwhelmed and that is understandable - I really hope your husband gets over his stuff and actually helps too. Kids state a preference for a parent but it doesn't mean anything, he needs to ignore it and get on with his job as Dad.

Honestly OP a physio will do nothing to help you. The only treatment that worked for pelvic floors is no longer available

@Dibbydoos would you mind posting what that treatment was? Hope i'm not derailing the thread but I have mild prolapse from a weakened pelvic floor as i've had 3 DC and I would love to do something about it

@StoppinBy yes I would love to do that. My sister invited me to say at hers but she has little kids and I just want 24 hours of no noise. I daydream about a lie in or just quietness. My boss is demanding. I feel my whole existence is people just taking and shouting and telling me to do stuff.

DH will bloody hate it if i leave. He's actually rarely away. He doesn't go out or do anything. Just at home with phone and gaming. He thinks that makes him a family man. Always saying "you could have one of those husbands who is out drinking or doing hobbies" and I think "I wish you bloody would to be honest"