I'm mad as hell

[WannabeArtist]

I am. I can't take it anymore.

DS with ASD (no diagnosis yet but nursery and every professional whos ever met him tells us to go to GP). He just threw his all his toys at the wall & down the stairs breaking them all because I went for a wee and he didn't want me to.

DS2 left in his cot crying for so long while I sort out DS1. I feel so awful. Poor DS2. He is going to get hurt soon

DH downstairs doing FA about any of it. I started to cry and he said "don't do that".

My pelvic floor is fucked so I'm literally pissing myself while one son throws his toys at my head and the other is screaming in his cot. Took me 12 months to see a gyno. She referred to physio and just got a letter saying it will be 18 months.

My job is a joke.

My kids don't let me leave the room. They both cling and cling.

Everything is always messy. I actually think my bathroom smells.

Every night I drink.

My gas bill was nearly 300 quid.

No point writing this but I feel like I'm going mad.

I want to walk out my house and never stop walking.

Please help me. I know you can't. But Im desperate.

You need to start leaving the dc with him, leave the house, join the gym (it did wonders for my pelvic floor) and when dh gets home from work just leave him with the kids for a hour. Yes they will scream and cry at first because they are not used to it but if you don’t start doing this it will get harder, you need a break and your dh needs to step up and look after his dc.

Sending a warm hug. It sounds really hard. What support system do you currently have? I think it all starts and ends with that. The more help you have, the better you feel. Make a list of everyone you know and trust, and try to enlist their help, even if it's for as much as 1 hour a day here and there.

OP sending hugs, you don't know it but you are a heroine and the #1 person in your DCs lives.

Your DH sounds like a waste of space and much like mine. Having someone present but so unempathetic and unhelpful imo actually makes things worse.

Two things: - maybe put yourself first for once (briefly), go back to your GP and demand more urgent help for your physical problem. Put the money for the booze into a box for your running away money (you might need it one day)

• and please do, DO push for an early dx for your ASD child asap. It can open up a great deal of extra support and understanding and give you potential extra resources which it sounds as if you richly deserve. There are also NAS parent groups where you can meet other parents going through similar ... another source of support.

Sorry if others have already said similar, I haven't had time to read the whole thread.

Honestly OP a physio will do nothing to help you. The only treatment that worked for pelvic floors is no longer available. Join a pilates class.

^ specialist pelvic physio I had was literally hands on and has sorted my issue out with six months of treatment and exercises to do at home.

I hate your useless husband.

Having a couple of hours to spend on a forum seeking help does not mean your life is not overwhelming. I hope you are ok, because that was an unkind reply to someone who has posted feeling desperate.

OP, you've had some good advice here and glad to hear you've woken up feeling a bit brighter. I agree with tackling it issue by issue - and hopefully a couple of days off work will help you make a plan.

Your husband is utterly pointless. Did he actually want children? Why on earth did he have a second one when he didn’t like the first one?

I’d seriously consider leaving him if I were you. At least you would get every second weekend and half the summer to yourself!

You have to start leaving them with their Dad, even if it doesn't go as well as you'd like. There's no choice. If you have a breakdown or worse they could be left with their Dad permanently.

OP are your parents living? Could you "go to help them" with something they can probably manage on their own for a week? Maybe get some good sleep and not drink and see if that gives you a fresh start then make a practical plan for your husband to be more helpful?

Oh OP. I can hear the pain and anguish in what you've written.
You sound at the end of your tether.
PPs have given some sage advice.
I just wanted to tell you you are not alone, so many mums feel this way. You've already been doing an amazing job to get this far and with help will continue.

Re the Gynae issue try looking up GussieGrips she has lots of good advice for PF issues. This can be made a lot better for you.

I completely understand how you feel. I think there are probably more parents under stress who feel like you do than people realise. A useful fuck of a husband just tips shit over into unbearable territory. Cos then you don't just have the shit, you have the resentment and anger too.

Pelvic floor. Look up Elaine Miller and Gussetgripers. She has exercises that work for 75% of women in incontinence. So worth a go.

Basically, breath in then out, and on the outbreath squeeze pelvic floor (like trying to hold in wind) for a slow count of ten. Then breath in and out then one hard squeeze for count of one. Repeat that one second hold ten times. Do both of these exercises three time a day for 3 months.

Right, so everyone who is overwhelmed and stressed out by life who seeks help and support must be a liar as otherwise they wouldn't be seeking help and support.

Thanks for sharing your wise insight, oh sage.

I'm thinking something like, "every morning from 6-7 DP will watch both kids while OP takes a shower and makes the family breakfast.

Sunday morning each parent watches kids for 2 hours while the other parent does chores. Sunday afternoon each parent watches kids for 2 hours while the other parent rests/goes for a walk/reads a book.

Saturdays are for family time and Sunday evenings a family movie. DP can game after children have gone to bed. "

And then you would really have to be firm about holding the line on "your time". Do you think something like that might work?

Just to add - I agree with that the main thing that will help will be if your husband steps up and starts pulling his weight. It's easy for us to criticise him here and say LTB (you haven't painted a very flattering picture) but, assuming you want to continue in your relationship, I think you should have a serious chat to him about how you can work better together as a team. Maybe make a note of things you want to say - and be prepared to listen to what he has to say. Pick a good time for it when you're both less exhausted and things are a bit calmer - maybe flag in advance that you're feeling overwhelmed and would like to have this discussion.

He could just be being lazy but it sounds like he feels upset and insecure that the children are so clingy to you. You say there's no magic to what you do but he might feel that there is if he's not confident in his parenting skills. Explain that it's very normal for children to go through phases with a parent and the only way that he is going to build a stronger bond with your children is if he spends more time with them and they learn to turn to him, even if it's difficult at first.

I had the pelvis floor issue and I remember one particularly miserable day last year when my daughter had a tantrum and I wet myself trying to get her home from the park.

I started seeing a physio when DD was about a year old (she has just turned four). She gave me exercises which did improve things a bit. At her recommendation I downloaded the NHS 'squeezy' app which reminded me to do the exercises regularly and timed them. However, I was still using pads (not liners) every day.

I noticed that I didn't leak during my period, and could actually get by without wearing a pad for a couple of days. I did tell the physio who just said that was strange but didn't mention it again. A few months ago (a couple of years after I was signed off by the physio) I put two and two together and started wearing my mooncup all the time. I haven't needed to wear pads since. I don't know whether this is a thing, or whether it is bad for me, but I am not regularly wetting myself, I can pick my daughter up without having an accident, and it has been life changing.

I don't know whether it would work for you, the physio did prescribe something called contiform which is worn internally, but my Dr never issued the prescription. I really hope you find something that works for you.

Tell him that once he starts responding to them and spending more time with them then they will want him. They don't hate him but maybe they aren't as close to him and how will they be if he palms them off on you all the time? Him saying they don't want him is a cop out.

When dc2 is crying because I'm busy with dc1 dh has to step in and hold dc2 even if dc2 continues crying. And vice versa.

Firstly, cut it out with the drinking. It’s ridiculous that you are drinking every night with two young boys. I don’t normally feel pissed off reading threads like these and I usually have loads of sympathy but seriously, wine every night? You know alcohol is a depressive. That it’s going to hamper your ability to function properly the next day. It’s going to genuinely make you feel like shit with a shorter temper and more prone to tears. I’ve seen it all before with my own mum and I wouldn’t wish this on any child. Either get help if it’s needed or just stop. Then bloody force your husband to step up or leave him altogether.

Really good advice, a clear routine that everyone can follow will help you all so much. Your DH needs to be involved in creating this.

Have you asked the GP to start the diagnosis process? It can take a long time and should definitely be started ASAP so you can get an EHCP in place before school age.

Autistic children commonly have developmental delays so your DS may be emotionally more like a baby which is why he wants/needs be with you so much. Add to that how overwhelming the world can be for him in terms of sensory and social difficulties and he will be relying on you to help him feel safe and regulate. Sometimes reframing how you think about the situation and understanding the behaviour can help make it more manageable.

Also, autism is largely thought to be genetic, so it’s possible one or both parents are also neurodiverse. Look into how it presents in men and women and see if it rings any bells, there’s a lot of advice on strategies, Facebook groups, podcasts etc that could help, particularly around parenting.

Why is your husband so useless?

He needs to be more involved.

The drinking must seem so tempting if it takes the edge off and allows you to relax a bit. In reality it's just stacking up some really quite disastrous problems for you down the road, please give it up for now. It's your best chance of tackling everything else.

Can I recommend a pair of ear plugs? Not brilliant ones that block everything out because then you won't hear essential stuff. Just cheap foam ones that you'll still hear that the kids are screaming and yelling but it's all muffled allowing your brain a break occasionally. Not for using all the time, just when it's all too much!

Your husband sounds very unhelpful. Is he depressed or just useless? Does he realise that whilst it feels crap when your kids reject you there is absolutely loads he can do about it if he just invests some time and patience? I'd be spelling out to him that it's a fixable situation and he has my support and sympathy through this tough patch of enacting change. But if he's not going to be bothered to even try... well I'm not sure how sustainable this is.

OP, your husband should be cleaning the house, keeping the bathroom tidy, doing laundry etc He can be useless with the kids but needs to pick up the slack elsewhere.

I disagree with the "don't drink" advice. BUT, it should be you and your husband having a glass together once you have worked as a team to end the children's evening on a successful note. Your husband is the one stalling this wonderful, albeit small, celebration.

OP it's obvious that the problem is your husband, and it's obvious that you are trying to shy away from this and don't want to talk to him about it. I know it's a hard conversation to have, and you say you can't have it when he walks out the room in front of your children, which is fair enough. So have the conversation once the kids are in bed? You can't hide from this.

Your DH needs to grow up. He is an adult, they are tiny children. He starts using distraction, humour, silly voices, music. He gets off his area and starts to parent his children.
You’re in a spiral — exhausted, children scream and demand, difficult to cope with when you’re knackered so you’re trying to split yourself between two kids with very different needs. I’ve got CFS so I know how awful exhaustion is.
Sort husband. Tell him to get his act together or I’ll come round and sort him. I am scary.
Get some help via nursery, babysitter, family help. Just to spread the load for now.

Walk out op- book a hotel for the night. Get you back- husband needs to bond more with kids and only way is doing that. Or ring your mum maybe or his mum?