I'm mad as hell

[WannabeArtist]

I am. I can't take it anymore.

DS with ASD (no diagnosis yet but nursery and every professional whos ever met him tells us to go to GP). He just threw his all his toys at the wall & down the stairs breaking them all because I went for a wee and he didn't want me to.

DS2 left in his cot crying for so long while I sort out DS1. I feel so awful. Poor DS2. He is going to get hurt soon

DH downstairs doing FA about any of it. I started to cry and he said "don't do that".

My pelvic floor is fucked so I'm literally pissing myself while one son throws his toys at my head and the other is screaming in his cot. Took me 12 months to see a gyno. She referred to physio and just got a letter saying it will be 18 months.

My job is a joke.

My kids don't let me leave the room. They both cling and cling.

Everything is always messy. I actually think my bathroom smells.

Every night I drink.

My gas bill was nearly 300 quid.

No point writing this but I feel like I'm going mad.

I want to walk out my house and never stop walking.

Please help me. I know you can't. But Im desperate.

My youngest child has ASD, and there were years when she could have tried the patience of a saint. She wasn't diagnosed until 7. She still gets her 'days'. I am disabled and working, while trying to renovate a large house I have inherited. Single parent too and home educating my daughter as she couldn't cope with school. Your child maybe eligible for disabled persons allowance, and you may get carers allowance. Children with ASD are allowed to apply for a blue badge too. You should ask the GP to refer you to the local child development clinic. Do your research, and don't accept a paediatric referral. ASD is best managed by developmental specialists who can signpost to relevant services, and put in plans to support you. Bathroom smells are cured with white vinegar in my experience. The wine will make you more tired, more dehydrated and add to pelvic troubles. I write from experience of several years of hitting the bottle hard and feeling lousy in the morning. Meditation helps a bit, but you need help and support with your child and time out from family life for you. You need to fight your way through officialdom to get it. I know it was like peddling uphill with rude dismissive professionals in my case, but ask for help from ASD charities. Early diagnosis is very important for onward intervention and school placement.

@Dibbydoos will pilates help? The gynaecologist was so weird. She kept asking me about my sex life and I was like "I don't care about that help me go to the loo like a normal person again" and she said "it's not so severe and its reversible ill get an appointment with the physio" and then a letter arrives saying I'll hear from them again in 18 months!

I'll look online for stuff to do. I think it's getting worse as I spend so much time with a 4 year old boy in my arms.

Thank you @scoobydoo1971 I will keep trying. I have tried to be sterner. The health visitor says I need to remember that I'm the adult and be more insistent about boundaries. I think just feels like constant fire fighting.

Pelvic floor challenge, dry by Christmas. It's free and you can do the exercises at home.

www.gussetgrippers.co.uk

She is a gyno physio, she talks you through all the steps and she is very funny.

Have You spoken to your doctor about possible postnatal depression? Yes there are a lot of stressors for you that would make anyone depressed, I’m not saying your mental health is the cause of anything, but the only thing in this situation you can control is you. And if you had some more productive strategies to deal with these stressful things (including your DH) it might help to pull you out of the hole you are currently buried in. Sending love.

💐sorry things are so much right now. That sounds like a lot.

Thank you so much @KitchiHuritAngeni thats really helpful. I'm going to split each "issue" down and write a plan for each. Only one i camt fix is husband probably. Ill try talking to him but he never takes me serious or he says hes doing all he can and hes tired/kids dont like him.

I'm going to take a couple of days off work too and try and sort the house.

No other option that to keep going eh.

For the continence issue, would one of those pelvic floor trainers help at all (I have no experience of this or medical background so it's a genuine question, perhaps a question you could ask the gp).

If a pelvic floor trainer could help it's something that could be purchased online/from boots and you simply insert it like a tampon and you gradually increase the time you use it and the weights in it.....literal weight training for your pelvic floor.

Might be something to consider?

I'm sorry I have no practical help for the other issues you have other than to say that your husband can't just huff that the boys don't want him as they never will if he doesn't get involved.

Self care stuff first. Try a CBD drink instead of the wine. I wet myself more when I drink wine (during the day, not when I’m drinking it!). It’ll help take the edge off, and wine is a fucking liar- it doesn’t help you cope!!

Pilates or yoga for your pelvic floor, and while you’re at your class, your DH will have to amuse his kids!

Because he’s a massive baby, tell him you want to help build his relationship with them by going out twice a week, so they can get used to loving him too. Go to something for you- a class, the cinema- but try not to drink the wine 😉.

Take magnesium- it helps your whole body to unclench.

The HV once found me rocking in the corner of the sofa when my two were really small. I decided from that day on that I’d be proactive instead of reactive. On really bad days, I’d pretend to be someone else, and get into character- you’d be surprised how well that works!!

Good luck 😘

If your DH keeps giving in to the preferred parent thing it will only get worse

Sending you positive vibes. You CAN do this. Your DH needs to step up and help you.

You need a weekend away by yourself so your DH learns to appreciate you.

Your husband saying the kids don’t like him, he sounds like a child himself. That’s the problem OP - you have 3 children. He needs to seriously step up. You need to wait for a calm moment and tell him exactly what you’ve told us.

Your children 'don't like' your husband because he's making no effort with them!
He's the root of your problems.
It all sounds so incredibly difficult

What does your local authority offer in terms of family support? Where I live you can be referred for a family support worker from the local children and family centre. They also have support groups, play sessions, independent advice etc. Is there something like this locally for you that you could link in with?
Get your DH on a parenting course, preferably with an ASD focus.
It sounds like really hard work at the moment and you are not sure how you can carry on. But you can, and you will. You got this. But DH needs to pull his finger out!!!

How are you feeling this morning @WannabeArtist?
I second the poster who suggested that you may also have post natal depression, mine started when my DC was 16 months - and it's no wonder with the sheer stress you are under.
As for your uselessness husband, tough shit if he thinks the DC's dont like him, he has to grit his teeth and get on with it, just like you have .

Definitely knock the wine on the head, it won’t help with continence or with feeling able to cope during the day.

There are good suggestions here for pelvic floor hike physio that will really help. I assume you have continence underwear which doesn’t stop the problem but does help to limit the impact a little.

If your going to the toilet is a particular flash point for your older kid then consider setting up some specific toy or activity in the bathroom and take him in with you. Make it a treat, bribe him with a chocolate button…. leave the baby in the cot but limit the older ones ability to be destructive by keeping him with you but in a positive way of you can.

Generally routine routine routine is best for those kids on the spectrum (but I’m sure not all). It will also help you a bit to reduce fighting. Identify other flash points and really think about why you are fighting e.g. lunch - are you fighting to see the older one eat a changing and varied menu and he just wants the identical cheese sandwich and apple cut into 6 (not 8) identical pieces. Stop fighting that sort of stuff and cut the apple right. My ASD niece was so much easier at lunch when everyone stopped trying to get her to eat things differently and to eat different things. 1 pepperami, 1 bag of salted crisps, 1 apple cut into 6 identical slices, 1 specific type of yoghurt. Don’t mess with what works and don’t feel guilty about it!

Finally you need to tackle the husband. He needs to take the kids out to give you a breather. Even if they scream the whole time. Even if he just drives them around for an hour in the car screaming. It’s not ideal but you can’t cope without a few breaks and if you stop coping the outcome is far worse than them having a miserable hour in the car.

Your husband is so pathetic/selfish I have no words.

What a drain it must be carrying him as well.

You need to pop out for a couple of hours when he gets in & be non contactable for that time.

Can I ask...drinking at night. Is that because you're feeling

Oooops

...anxious or low. Or both?

My love, you absolutely can fix your pelvic floor, there will be plenty of stuff on the internet- pelvic floor exercises will sort you out very quickly.

anything that uses a lot of core muscles is
good for your pelvic floor. I swim, my pelvic floor is amazingly strong.

yes to telling your h to pick up the slack in the house, yea to telling him to go to the baby and do little and often and insert Jim’s back into their lives

kids know where their attention, comfort and care (and food!) come from, if he’s lazy, they see him as pointless, unable to provide what they want and you can and do give them what they want

he needs to step up.

I just wanted to add, my exH was exactly the same when it came to caring for our DD. He never did anything with her and would then moan that she didn't like him. He couldn't/wouldn't understand that as the adult, he had to be the one to make an effort with the child. Its vanishingly unattractive in an adult man, and really the death-knell to our marriage.

Your not so 'd'h needs to step up, dear god! Tell him he needs to get the baby, this is a ridiculous situation. Of course the kids want you more than him, because he sounds like he does bugger all with them!

Your husband is a father, he needs to start acting like one. Definitely go out a few times a week and leave him with them.

You sound like you are almost at breaking point. And your DH is just making excuses that the dc don't like him because he does not know how to actually deal with it all. But thats not good enough.

I know you say you can't leave them, but what would happen if you actually did reach breaking point and had to spend a couple of days in hospital. He would have to cope, and you know what? He'd manage.

So before you get to that point, is there any possible way you can get yourself away somewhere, just an overnight, so just get some time to yourself and take a breather? He will cope. They are his dc and he will manage. Even if it means he has to take a couple of days off work to do it. You are far far more important and you need a break.

If you can't manage an overnight, please consider an afternoon. The dc may cry for you, but they will be safe with their dad and they will be fine and once you're gone I very much doubt they will cry the whole time, they will settle eventually.