I'm mad as hell

[WannabeArtist]

I am. I can't take it anymore.

DS with ASD (no diagnosis yet but nursery and every professional whos ever met him tells us to go to GP). He just threw his all his toys at the wall & down the stairs breaking them all because I went for a wee and he didn't want me to.

DS2 left in his cot crying for so long while I sort out DS1. I feel so awful. Poor DS2. He is going to get hurt soon

DH downstairs doing FA about any of it. I started to cry and he said "don't do that".

My pelvic floor is fucked so I'm literally pissing myself while one son throws his toys at my head and the other is screaming in his cot. Took me 12 months to see a gyno. She referred to physio and just got a letter saying it will be 18 months.

My job is a joke.

My kids don't let me leave the room. They both cling and cling.

Everything is always messy. I actually think my bathroom smells.

Every night I drink.

My gas bill was nearly 300 quid.

No point writing this but I feel like I'm going mad.

I want to walk out my house and never stop walking.

Please help me. I know you can't. But Im desperate.

OP I hope you get some respite soon. If your DH is prepared to be that useless I would leave him and share custody, though of course you risk him doing a runner I feel personally though that if you have a partner who does nothing, having them gone is still a relief compared to having someone around who could do something but doesn't.

I viscerally remember this feeling and I was in a much less stressful situation than you are re: SEN and financial stuff. I don't have loads of advice but sending you some virtual hugs x
This stage will pass

@Dreamwhisper a physio/or exercises can and will help you. This is the only pp that said they won’t help, plenty of others said it will help.
Read the rest of the thread where different gadgets, youtube channels with advice and techniques and/or professionals have all been recommended and try the ones that you may benefit from. Don’t fall into helplessness

You need to tell the useless sack of crap that his children don't have to like him. He's not there to be their pal. He's their father and he has responsibilities and they are not dependent on whether he thinks his kids 'like' him.

Wtf is up with the bollocks these men spout? Oh waa waa they don't like me so I can't be a parent. 🙄

My kids hated me from time to time (normally when being told no 🤣). I have never been their friend. Spoiler - it's never rendered me incapable of being their parent and getting shit done.

My 3.5yr old is similar to your eldest in that she won’t let me out of her sight.

I went away with work for 10 days, she was absolutely fine with DH and is much more tolerant of him now.

you have a DH problem. Book a hotel and have a night or two away and then when you’ve slept and had a rest think about what you want from life.

You are enabling his shit behaviour but I get why

I had similar issues and I went for a night in a cheap hotel with a swimming pool. I paid for early check in and late check out.

I remember thinking in a world where I just couldn't live anymore, the least I could afford was to try anything to feel better. 24 hours lying in bed, reading, resting etc did me the world of good.

Honestly, taking care of yourself will make you a better Mum, Hubby will cope, even if he doesn't enjoy it, he will survive a night or two.

When I get away, I shut the hotel door and just lay on the bed listening to the silence. It's magic. My ears feel like they just decompress. My brain feels like it switches off, which is something I cannot do at home as my hubby is quite useless when I am there.

He can and does step up far better when he has no choice, if I am there he just switches off, just expects me to always be switched on and watching.

Being in the house does not mean they are present and it sounds like your H hasn't realised that yet..... time to let him learn lol.

I haven't RTFT and I need to go and do something now but didn't want to dash without saying anything. We can help you here and signpost you to help and support IRL. I will bookmark this thread to come back later. I am sure that others will be lending support and practical suggestions in the meantime.

We've all been there, to an extent, so we understand - but yours IS worse than my bad days with the little ones because of the probable ASD and useless husband.

One step at a time. Things can get better.

Oh one quick suggestion, use stairgates and playpens to separate the children and keep them safe when you need to nip to the loo, answer the door etc. or just can't be giving them your full attention in the same room. Keep your elder child out of the kitchen completely. Childproof everything that you can't keep him away from. This will itself give you breathing space and keep your baby and elder child safe. Secondhand ones are safe so long as you check that they are in good working order and fit well in your home, all mine were second hand. Sorry if I am repeating what others said.

Thank you I will take a look

Sorry to be dramatic. But wine is the only thing that takes the edge off.

No it isn't. Antidepressants will have that effect. And they're ANTI-depressants as opposed to wine, which is a depressant. Being dramatic to justify your fledgeling addiction won't help you. Get to your doctor, take actual medication instead of "self-medicating" with alcohol and engage with whatever support the GP offers eg alcohol support services or whatever is available.

My pelvic floor was f**cked after my second child. Don't wait to see the NHS physio, you need help before then and you might wait 18 months to find the NHS physio is absolutely hopeless as I did. There's only a handful of physios properly qualified in pelvic health working in the NHS, most of the time you'll just see a general physio who will tell you to do kegels, which can actually make things worse.

Things that helped me were seeing a private physio who specialised in pelvic health (it was expensive, but I only saw her twice and it was enormous help); educating myself about pelvic health and following an online fitness programme specifically aimed at prolapse. There's lots available but I used this one: www.coreexercisesolutions.com/pelvic-floor/

There's also a great Facebook group called POP Fitness where you can get advice, support and find out about different techniques to strengthen your pelvic floor. They'll be able to tell you about free online fitness programmes too.

I found that my mental health and my ability to cope with my children and be the mother I wanted to be was totally undermined with my pelvic floor issues so addressing them was really critical for me. You need to have a word with your husband though because you need time (and a bit of money) to do the work that you need to recover.

Good God, you're married to a child. He doesn't get to opt out of responsibilities. If he wants to be part of a family, he has to act like it.

Just read that he finds your health problems ‘icky’ so you can’t talk to him. Or find any support in your life partner
on top of all his other BS
how do you not be sick in your mouth every time you look at him, what a pathetic man. I’m disgusted reading your updates.

@WannabeArtist
Your HV is right- You do need to be the “ Adult” and be firm without being physical
Good boundaries.
Of course your sons don’t hate their dad, but does he do stuff to entertain them?
He could take the older one out to park or whatever, and entertain him.
Being that excessively clingy-(—Interestingly some dogs are “ Clingy” and follow their owners to the loo -
it’s a form of separation anxiety-
Often the dog owner is making it worse by allowing it.)

Of course a mum should be allowed to use the loo in privacy and peace without being hassled by her children.

Your DC will feel “ Safe” if you are firmer and more boundaried, and will become less clingy.

You aren’t going to “ Disappear “ - you ate just behind the door.

Your husband does need to help out with discipline too ( Discipline isn’t punishment, but good, firm boundaries and a routine helps.

Your DH needs to help more. You are knackered and overwhelmed (understandably).

Pick one thing to work on and start prioritising yourself a bit. I would tackle the drinking first. I know you’re doing it to decompress, but it’s only going to make you feel worse and exacerbate other things. Demand some time to yourself even if it’s just to go out for a walk (alone!). Once those things are in place you’ll have some headspace to work on the other stuff.

DH will bloody hate it if i leave. He's actually rarely away. He doesn't go out or do anything. Just at home with phone and gaming. He thinks that makes him a family man. Always saying "you could have one of those husbands who is out drinking or doing hobbies"

Ask him why he wanted kids if he's going to take no notice of them.

OP go and check into a hotel for a night or 2 and turn your phone off.

It won't help with the husband problem, but this will help with the pelvic floor: www.gussetgrippers.co.uk/

@Shopaholic123Go

is that really all you can say to OP’s post? something punitive about her alcohol use

really??

Your name is wanabeArtist

Wasnt sure if that’s because you enjoy art, but in any event we cant cure your situation, getting hubby to do more is certainly a factor BUT you do need some time for YOU and if Art is your thing, give both Ds1 and DS2 to hubby and go out for a few hours and draw, join an art class and create some time out for you. Cut back on the drinking this will improve your mental health

next you need more support for DS1 not sure how long before he starts school but that will gain you time to think more clearly once he is in routine for school. My son has dyspraxia and I won’t lie, a constant challenge, one issue replaced with another but you can cope better once you create time out gaps for me time, partner time, family time and you move from 24/7 full on to a more balanced time schedule.

Your own physical health is a seperate issue and your gas bill, well we all feel the pain of tha5 one. Everywhere I look there’s a bill currently

@WannabeArtist

when you need to go to the toilet op, go!

The kids will be fine with their dad - they might not like it, and he might not like it.

But… tough!

there’s really no alternative is there?

If you both work similar hours, then the childcare and household chores should be split 50:50.

If he wants to opt out of childcare and leave it 100% to you, then he does 100% of the household chores - that's all the cleaning, tidying, shopping, cooking, laundry, family admin.

I don't think it's a good idea for you to take on all the childcare long term - the kids need their father too. But being left to be responsible for all of the other chores might shock him into realising how much work there is (is he really that tired at the moment?) and that childcare isn't so bad afterall...

Absolute sympathy to you OP. It feels relentless at times with small kids.

If I can chip in about your husband, you are probably going to have to force the issue of him looking after the kids. So many men don't understand that to build a relationship with any child, even your own, you need to be with them and put the time in. They cling to you because you do that. They don't with him because he doesn't. I saw my own pulling away a bit because of a clear preference for me over him with our first child. I ended up joining a course that ment he had to look after her for a day every weekend without me. I would leave the house to DD screaming, but she calmed down quickly enough and his confidence as a Dad grew, as did their relationship.

Can you engineer something similar?

I know it's difficult, but drinking is making everything worse.

Go for a walk in the fresh air and leave the children with their father. He has to step up and do 50% of the parenting. He can't sit by and watch you destroy your health and your sanity.

I’m sorry to hear you are struggling at the moment. I agree with pp that your husband is useless and he needs to start being a parent.

I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but alcohol can be an irritant to an overactive bladder. Drinking regularly may be making your pelvic floor problems worse.