Sat here crying about DD’s behaviour

[Cantfeelmuchthesedays]

I can’t take much more of it.
She woke up at 6 am, shouting she wanted to go downstairs, kicking me in my back.
Asking me to help her to do things and then getting angry as I’m doing it wrong. Constantly reacting and shouting and screaming. Following the dog around annoying her.
She’s not very pleasant anymore, at all and it’s causing huge problems between Dh and I, he’s stressed at work then comes home to shouting and screaming and taking ages at bedtime to sleep etc. Weekends are hell also.
We don’t have much patience anymore and I’m starting to dread waking up, my only peace is when I’m asleep.
I just don’t know what to do and if any of this is normal and a phase and will pass or something else. Taking her out is a nightmare, spending the day at home for 12 hours is worse.
As awful as it sounds, I miss my old life so very much, I don’t enjoy motherhood anymore and don’t know what happened to my lovely girl, I don’t know if we’re to blame or if it’s normal and we’re not emotionally strong enough.
Will this just be our lives now

I just find it bizarre that she's suddenly gone like this. Two large components of ADHD (if you're thinking this) are that it's a developmental disorder therefore it'd be apparent from.a very early age and that it affects the child across most/all settings. You haven't mentioned whether school/nursery have said anything but it doesn't sound like they're worried. The acute onset would be much more suggestive of an acute illness eg worms or an acute stress factor. Have you very simply also checked whether she's sleeping properly? Mine is on the whole a delight but she's the actual devil when she's sleep deprived! She proved this this pm to me as we've had kicking, screaming and throwing things at me as she's not really caught up on sleep after Halloween weekend. Don't underestimate how much of an impact sleep could be having on her. Also don't underestimate how much impact even seemingly low level stress of her parents could be having either though. We're so quick to medicalise these days that we forget that these kids are just little humans really with real feelings and what's more real feelings that they're not always able to articulate and that are changing regularly due to rapidly developing brains

Is she sn only child / are you pregnant? Has something in her life changed?

OP that sounds like one of my kids and age 4 is when the difficult behaviour started. My child has sensory processing disorder (possibly on the spectrum). It was a very tough few years not realising what the issues were. We got support and looked into ways of handling the behaviour. My child is older now but still has moments of very challenging behaviour but we have coping mechanisms now and I’ve learnt a lot of it is fuelled by anxiety. Understanding the triggers really helped with managing it and creating a calmer household. Please seek help and support. The GP was a hopeless lost cause for us for a diagnosis so you might have to go private but there are lots of SEN organisations out there who can help offer advice.

Coke bottle effect. She's finding pre school tough, masking it all day long, then coming home and exploding.

Maybe look into this if she’s always been hyperactive, maybe it could help?
if it does, it will not be quick, it will take some time if there’s a deficiency.

www.amenclinics.com/blog/new-evidence-on-omega-3s-for-behavioral-problems-in-children/

@buttons123456 She’s an only child, only change is introduction to pre school part time. A couple of weeks after, she had huge meltdowns and was shouting ‘Leave me alone!’ and things she’d never said before. Her teacher seems lovely and Dd says she enjoys it once there, given the choice, she’d say she wants to stay at home but has said she likes it once there. I’ve asked her teacher and she said she can be agitated but they calm down at 5 and it’s no problem but that she knows that behaviour is hard. She also had to tell me they had to put her on a bench and she cried, because she hit a boy.
Shes always had very excitable/hyper behaviour but hasn’t hit us or shouted at us, even in the toddler phase, I remember two bad meltdowns as a toddler but that’s it, she’s much worse now. She has always had issues with sleep and is a lot worse with less sleep. I said further up my post that her being ill and waking in the night coughing and the time change has likely made a difference.
Its like there’s something in her agitating her/making her angry and not able to control her patience.
She was constipated quite badly for a while and behaviour was worse, she was put on a version of Movicol/Miralax and was horrendous, the first few days on it she started hitting us and jumping around the bedroom,. Doctor assured us it was fine but I took her off after around 11 weeks as had seen a change in her. It’s now 3 months off it and we’re having these problems, I don’t know if it’s the issue, but I read it strips the stomach etc. I’ve found natural ways to help her poo and she’s been regular and not having tummy pains, which were so happy about, but now this behaviour has come along. I’d say before the whole constipation thing she was so different and life was very different.

@crumpetswithjam Thats the thing though, she’s only going three mornings per week and currently not in this week

@Moonlightdust What behaviour did they have? How did they help your dc, did you see any issues before 4?

I ended up as a single parent with a 4 year old, she was a total nightmare at that age. I didn’t know how I’d make it through the next day. Not very helpful but it will pass. Mine is 9 now and quite independent we have the odd off day like tonight when she went crazy because the iPad charger isn’t working but the hell doesn’t go on forever.

@mathanxiety Thats a great idea about acting out Pre school, I do ask her things but equally don’t want to bombard her with questions. She’s only there 9-12 and looks a bit out of it when she comes out, I think she finds it overwhelming.
I just want to help her

@EmmaDilemma5 I feel like increasing pre school (I was gutted (privately not to her) when she started as I knew it was good for her but I miss our full days together. Now it feels different, I need the break to, but feel guilty sending her in more in case she is feeling overwhelmed by it all and I’d rather keep her with me and cope with any behaviour she has so she feels more secure, if that makes sense

One of my children went to a pre-school where I eventually found out that they were grabbing her wrist and yanking her. She has SEN and was only able to tell me years later.

I think you should definitely consider whether this is the right pre-school for her. It may not be the problem but it certainly could be.

@Xaviera I don’t know anything about absence seizures, I will look it up thank you. I just know that she needs to calm down as it gets a lot, more than the average (witnessing other children etc)

Aw, poor DD. And poor you.

@Seaweed42 No, it’s nothing like that at all, we’re both trying to get through it together but it’s obviously not fun. We’re both quite chilled, calm people and my mum often says we should be stricter, but it’s hard to know if it’s that or something else. My mum is set in the 80’s upbringing anyway and doesn’t have a problem with shouting etc

OP you sound like you're at the clutching at straws stage, trying to figure out a fixable reason for your DD being the way she is, which is natural and what all parents try to do.

Baby is constipated? Give them water and a bit of prune purée. Toddler has a cough? Bit of snuffle babe and a steamy room. Pre schooler has atypical behaviours and meltdowns? Errr? Dunno? What's the fix?

There isn't one fix. There's a process of accepting, then learning, then understanding, then implementing small tweaks that make everyone's life easier.

I would recommend looking up adhd/autism in girls, and sensory processing disorder. You've given several examples of traits that are consistent with one or many of these conditions.

Starting pre school, even for just three mornings a week, is an absolutely monumental change for a small child. For a child with additional needs it's even more so. She is used to the world operating a certain way. Now she is having to learn a whole new way, and it's hard!

*The break too, not to

@crumpetswithjam But would I have not seen issues earlier? I remember when she was younger there were little things like just crawling and crawling down the beach and never stopping, same with running. She just always had this energy and was hard as a toddler to calm for bed, she jumped around everywhere. Then she became calmer and all was *Normal (not sure what word to use) would these issues really come in so strongly within 6-8 months?
I feel scared for her as I can see she’s battling with something and want to help

@crumpetswithjam Which examples would you say show it?

@crumpetswithjam Does being ill make these issues worse? The anger this past week is worrying

@crumpetswithjam Shes also been so sociable and happy previously, very outgoing and confident, she seems like she’s going through a phase of being scared of everything too-never had that before. She learnt to talk early and always spoke really well, v bright, no learning difficulties etc

Absolutely it does.

Please try not to worry too much. I found 4 harder than any stage. As I said my dd was a terror. She totally fine now doing amazing at school in fact her teacher told at parents evening she is the most polite gorgeous creative little girl. I once had to literally carry her out of B&M while she was lashing it out and I would sit and cry.

I can't give you all the answers, OP. You're going to have to look around yourself. This is a start www.healthline.com/health/adhd/toddlers

She was just frustrated and angry a lot of the time. Defiant. Boundary testing.

the thing about the milk, well that could have been my Dd.

she is s totally normal, neurotypical teen now. She just either had the Terrible Twos a bit late, or found thr 4s really frustrating because her brain was ahead of her ability to do things for herself, or get me to do them iyswim.

I remember feeling close to the edge loads of times. Honestly, you’re not failing. It’s just a tough time. some really good suggestions here, to help.