Sat here crying about DD’s behaviour

[Cantfeelmuchthesedays]

I can’t take much more of it.
She woke up at 6 am, shouting she wanted to go downstairs, kicking me in my back.
Asking me to help her to do things and then getting angry as I’m doing it wrong. Constantly reacting and shouting and screaming. Following the dog around annoying her.
She’s not very pleasant anymore, at all and it’s causing huge problems between Dh and I, he’s stressed at work then comes home to shouting and screaming and taking ages at bedtime to sleep etc. Weekends are hell also.
We don’t have much patience anymore and I’m starting to dread waking up, my only peace is when I’m asleep.
I just don’t know what to do and if any of this is normal and a phase and will pass or something else. Taking her out is a nightmare, spending the day at home for 12 hours is worse.
As awful as it sounds, I miss my old life so very much, I don’t enjoy motherhood anymore and don’t know what happened to my lovely girl, I don’t know if we’re to blame or if it’s normal and we’re not emotionally strong enough.
Will this just be our lives now

Yes age 4-6 can be really hard work and my oldest DS had a lot of rages at that age (apparently there's a testosterone surge??) but consistent parenting, which it sounds like you're doing should make it manageable and she should come out of this phase....however what you're describing sounds like more than what I would consider in the normal range. She's too young for any kind of diagnosis but it might be worth educating yourself (when you have the energy!) on ADHD and ASD traits...not saying it's either thing but some kids have one or two traits rather than a full blown 'diagnosis' which are really hard to handle when they're young and can't communicate or understand how to manage their feelings. This improves over the next few years as they get older and if you are able to coach and understand a bit more about their experience of the world. I also recommend Raising your Spirited Child, anything by Dan Seigel - No-Drama Discipline, The Whole Brain Child, How to Talk so Kids Will Listen etc all have practical ideas for this sort of experience. Best wishes xxx

My youngest has just turned 5 and we call him Little Lord Fauntleroy. He firmly believes the world revolves around him and I think because he's the youngest of 4, it has done a bit, being the baby.

My advice would be to stop trying everything, find a routine that suits you and really stick to it. Involve her more, make her feel useful and praise her for helping. Only ask one thing at a time and in a really positive way, be super calm.

It won't help that you're all feeling grotty. Try doing something you both enjoy, together and make sure she sees you being so happy in her company. I think sometimes when we hit hard times with children they end up feeling like we're always having a go and tensions never ease.

Good luck OP.

It is very difficult. Something that may help, if you can do it, is to pretend to yourself she's not yours. Or that you're not her mother. Teachers/classroom assistants/nursery workers can separate the child from the behaviour. I imagine if a child kicked one of those, they would respond by coming down to his/her level, holding child by shoulders, insisting on eye contact, and using a calm, deeper voice to explain in age-appropriate language that the behaviour is unacceptable. 'Look at me. Stay still. Listen to me. Can you hear me? You do not kick people. (X3) Please say sorry.' Or something on those lines. An apology at that age erases the action. 'Professional' tone of voice, eye contact and staying calm are very effective tools. Good luck! It will get better.

Is it possible that she could be having absence seizures at all? I’m no doctor of course and certainly I don’t wish to cause alarm.

But sometimes, children who are experiencing epileptic activity in their brains can feel unwell and experience angry outbursts as a result. This is something I have seen in one of my own children.

It could be a lot of things. If she is very bright, she may be more frustrated that she can’t tell you what the problem is.

I think I would suggest talking to the Gp / health visitor. I’d also recommend keeping a diary of her behaviours from day to day and make particular note of anything that seems very different.

It's funny you say 'We’re so angry all the time with her for this"
Because two people can't be angry.

Does your DH complain about her behaviour to you all the time?

Could it be that currently you are angry with your DH, but you are projecting it onto your DD.

Does it seem like DD is the 'problem' because you don't see DH as being the problem.

It's nearly like you are saying to yourself - 'if we didn't have her, then he'd love me and everything would be fine...'?

I wonder is your patience with her getting to Zero because your relationship suddenly seems to depend on her being 'good'.

It's hard to know because from your description her behaviour doesn't seem that far off a normal 4yr old.

Worth thinking that she's not trying to give you a hard time, she's having a hard time. This website is great www.ahaparenting.com/read/wonder-years

Time to show her that she doesn't rule the house.

I am sorry sounds heart breaking. I have adhd and people don’t realise adhd is a spectrum of behaviours. Struggling to process emotions and impulse behaviour being on the list. I would ask gp for adhd assessment referral.
I think you and hubby need to sit down and write a list of symptoms she starts to display before she gets to the point of kicking. Ie does she speak faster, voice goes more high pitched, does she seem to be agitated etc. and when she starts displaying these name her emotions so she can learn them ie “you are starting to jump around so can see you are feeling frustrated” and then encourage her to take a break from the situation to calm down. Show her breathing techniques to relax her etc. “let’s take a break and calm ourselves down - watch mummy breathe slowly and breathe like me”. Etc

Stop blaming the child for the problems her environment has created.

You can backtrack from your OP, you're over reacting and out of control.

Did you think motherhood was going to be blissful? It's not.

Work with what you've created.

Stop crying, your DH anger and frustration towards the DC is wrong too.

Big finger wag from me.

Your DC will follow the lead, be the leader.

I never said they had to be alone either. What I was suggesting was more 'time in' where you stay in close proximity. I agree that a child should never be made to feel that their parent's love for them is conditional to their behaviour. However, we're in a generation that (rightly) is encouraging young people to set boundaries both physically and emotionally. How on earth are they meant to take that message seriously if the people closest to them don't set physical and emotional boundaries? You should absolutely be teaching your child that your love has no limits but that is totally different from teaching them that your need for emotional and physical comfort have no limits. It took me a while to learn this with my own dd.

You are responsible for her psychological wellbeing.

I can't believe you're wondering why she is misbehaving.

She’s not very pleasant anymore, at all and it’s causing huge problems between Dh and I, he’s stressed at work then comes home to shouting and screaming and taking ages at bedtime to sleep etc. Weekends are hell also.
We don’t have much patience anymore and I’m starting to dread waking up, my only peace is when I’m asleep.

Imagine how hellish it is for a child, who is clearly an inconvenience to her parents.

You don't want her up early or late.

The poor child.

You have to love them and work with them when they're good and bad.

Absolutely this. Get yourself back to work and teach her that mummy doesn’t exist exclusively to pander to her day in day out.

@EmeraldShamrock1 Not nice at all. The situation is nothing like that, but thank you for making my feelings about the situation worse.

Time to show her that she doesn't rule the house.
Jesus is no one reading about the atmosphere in this home and two capable adults blaming the child.

@Cantfeelmuchthesedays Look at things with an open mind.
It is cause and effect creating the unhappy situation.
Your DH is sounds demanding too.

@EmeraldShamrock1 What atmosphere? The fact we’re worried sick about our child because her behaviour has become so challenging? We’re a happy home with lots of love

he’s stressed at work then comes home to shouting and screaming and taking ages at bedtime to sleep etc. Weekends are hell also.
Is she copying his behaviour? Sensing the stress in you too.

You've said your screaming and shouting getting her to bed, dh is stressed walking into a stressful situation.

You said she was kicking you in the back. Is she sleeping with you?

@EmeraldShamrock1 She’s screaming and shouting. Even with a stressful
day he’d come home ok but then three hours or more of putting her to bed like this is really really hard, it’s obviously changing how relaxed we feel.

@CannibalQueen She always climbs into bed with us half way through the night

The most important thing I learned as a SEN parent is the importance of remaining calm, or appearing like you do. You could be freaking out inside but you absolutely must NOT let them see it.

Strip the demands back, ask yourself if some of the fights are worth having. Give her choice and autonomy over her free time ('Would you like to brush your teeth, or wash your face?' 'NEITHER' 'Ok, maybe you will later')

An escalated adult cannot de-escalate an escalated child. It's impossible. You have to show her you're unflappable. Absolutely no shouting. None. Not even a raised voice. In fact, going quieter than usual is more effective.

I know this offended you OP, but there is truth within it. You're contributing to the atmosphere.

At 4 she needs to be sleeping in her own bed and staying in it. move her back to her own bed every time. If you arent getting sleep then no wonder the day times seem so challenging. basically at the moment it sounds like she rules the household and you have to work at changing this around. Everything seems to revolve around her and her moods, her timescales etc.

I have to admit, this level of behaviour wasn't something I dealt with personally when my DSs were that age so I'm coming from 'what would I have done' without having had to really decide. I do know that there were times when my sons 'acted up' and it usually ended up that they were coming down with something but not yet ill enough to say what the problem actually was IYSWIM.

I think first thing I'd do is take her to a paediatrician and ask for a complete physical exam and assessment. NOT a GP, a paediatrician. Not sure how it works with the NHS, I'm in the US and our DC always had a paediatrician as their primary carer until they were 18 years old, then then they transferred to a GP.

At any rate, I'd start by ruling out any physical cause. Once that is ruled out, I think perhaps it may be time to look for a behavioural cause and a plan of action.