To think this is unfair or should I just accept it as I’m an adult too?

[Shortslothdancing]

I had some time out of work when my children were little as a sahm (biggest regret ever) and I’ve gone back to work in the last couple of years, 25 hours a week. I pick up about £1100 a month. Not great.
DH picks up (after tax) approx £5500 a month, he has a company car, a petrol card and a work mobile phone. Although he pays tax on those benefits. We don’t have a mortgage but he does cover the bills from his wages - around £1800 a month, including some of the food bill.
From my £1100 I pay for my phone, my petrol (I still do all the schools runs and taking the kids to clubs etc), my road tax / insurance, about £250 a month of food, kids’ clothes, birthday / Christmas presents (obviously an annual cost, but I try and save a bit each month) and the childcare bill for wrap around - it’s not that much, usually about £60 a month.
phone - £45
petrol - £200
tax / insurance - £50
food - £250
saving for birthdays and Christmas - £50
childcare - £60
clothes for children - varies but I usually allow approx £50 a month as one child is now a teenager and there are three of them.

pocket money for all three dc - £80
This comes to around £800 leaving me about £300 a month. DH is now refusing to pay for school lunches for oldest dc. Two younger ones have sandwiches. The oldest likes to get lunch with his mates at school. This is about £15 a week, so it’ll be another £60 a month.

this will leave me with about £240. I’m sure that is loads to a lot of people at the moment and I probably shouldn’t be complaining but it feels unfair that I am tracking every leftover penny vs DH with his £3.5k left after household bills.
I do all the housework and childcare even though I work 25 hours.
yanbu - yes it’s unfair
yabu - you’re an adult and responsible for yourself and should increase your hours / work harder / take a second job and count yourself lucky that you are overall in a fortunate financial situation.

He could well have an expensive hobbies eg bikes costing thousands, golf holidays and personal trainer. Meanwhile wife scrimps Clubcard vouchers to take kids out at half term.

Two words… financial abuse! Sorry you have this OP. Could you call Womens Aid for advice?

You think that you are in a relationship called marriage where everything is shared. Really you are just sleeping with and caring for a selfish git who doesn't want to take on his share of family responsibility.

No this doesn’t seem completely fair. We worked out what our outgoings were for the house and then what percentage we each pay towards them. Husband earns a lot more than me so he covers 65% of the household outgoings (mortgage, car, food etc.) and I cover the other 35%. It means we’re left with a similar amount of disposable income each month although he is slightly better off. Just means he pays for more dates etc. I wouldn’t say your system is totally off though - he covers household but you probably need an account or amount which covers child expenses.

How can 4% of people think YABU? He is financially abusive. Please get a shit hot lawyer and a forensic accountant and take you fair share of this wealth.

I’ll come back later

Divorce him.

I seriously did wonder who the 4% were. I feel sad for OP. Shes being financially abused by her "D" H

Oh yes, just tell him! Like OP hasn't tried!

So, if the OP's husband went part-time (halving his salary) and the OP went FT (doubling hers) it seems they would earn roughly the same money (assuming some rough figures)

Everything could then get split 50-50 including spending money

Husband then does all the things that the OP does for the family as he now has the time and OP does not

Or is it that the husband has to work a full time job and give away half his money? Where is his motivation to work full time in that case?

I agree that the contributions seem a little skewed but it's not financial abuse. The husband is not keeping her destitute or even making her currently live the life of a pauper whilst he has a different lifestyle. It would appear (unless she's living in the shed) that she also benefits from the house and the bills he pays. I assume (since there is nothing in the OP that states otherwise) he is not preventing her from working more or getting better paid work. Whether her skills allow her to or not does not constitute financial abuse on his part

Do I think he's a bit of a prick given the information we have? Quite possibly. But to shout "Financial abuse" given the information we do have, quite frankly denigrates those people who are actually on the receiving end of it

Well it`s perfectly obvious you would live a much more comfortable life it you divorced this abusive prick.

Or is it that the husband has to work a full time job and give away half his money? Where is his motivation to work full time in that case?

to support his family?

it’s not just his money, it’s family money. And no doubt his ability to earn that has been facilitated by OP giving up her own career for a time to raise his children.

My husband always gives me all his money, I pay all the bills combined with both monthly pay.. whatever is left we half it, has worked for us over 34 years.. he trusts me to deal with it. He should be paying half of everything you do really.

I can't believe this man (obviously I believe you but I can't believe how this man thinks this attitude is OK)

Why are the kids clothes, food and childcare coming out of your wages rather than the family pot?

This man is financially abusing you. He did it when he made you 'properly poor' as a SAHM. He's continuing to do it now.

Give away half his money?

Or share it with his family? This is a man with ££££s of spare income who will not pay for his son's school lunch,

So what is he doing with the money, spending it all on him or saving it and looking at all the money in his account each month and will end up the richest man in the graveyard!

Christ, I am so glad I am not with a person that says that shit and yes, I am the higher wage earner!

It is financial abuse and because you think he is right, does not mean he is right and therefore you need to consider how you are being treated and how you treat others!

‘His money’ WTF does that mean??

They’re also HIS CHILDREN.

I’d never marry a man who felt so entitled to view his wife as his personal housekeeper/sex slave.

I’ve been a SAHP for 13 yrs now. DH is the sole earner and spends far less on himself than I do. His hobbies are inexpensive compared to mine but he would never treat me as a second class citizen just because I’m no longer going out to earn money.

OP, go and visit a solicitor and look at how much better off you’d be if you got divorced from this selfish prick.

He is supporting his family. That's kind of a given since he's paying the bills and they have a house to live in. It's only "family money" if that is what's been agreed.

I agree that the fact that the OP is paying for "Child related" costs doesn't seem fair but by the same token, even if the husband paid for everything there would still be a disparity in their post bills pay. One that is easily rectified by the OP working full-time and the husband working part-time

There is also nothing to indicate that his "ability" to earn has been as a result of his wife looking after the children. In terms of salary - most people are rewarded for what they bring to the workplace. Not by the children they have.

Of course it’s bloody financial abuse

@VollywoodHampires she has money. She just doesn't have as much as him because they have never - in all this time - spoken about it. That's not abuse.

To him you're not a wife, you're a live in nanny, cleaner and sex worker. He doesn't value any of these jobs so pays you very little for them. His children are an inconvenience that he does not care enough about to pay to feed. I would get divorced.

Me and DH are a team. We are raising a family together. All earnings go into one pot. All bills paid from there. Any leftover into joint savings for use as and when needed. Works great as we achieve everything together as planned.

@DifferentPlanet

Your username seems apt.

OP works 25 hours per week and does all housework and childcare.

Her husband works full time and does no housework or childcare.

I'd say when it comes to 'disposable time', they have at best the same amount and in reality he has more, as all housework and childcare would add up easily to 12 hours a week (predominantly childcare).

Yet when it comes to disposable income, he has £42k a year while she has £3k. Really look at those numbers.

You ask what his motivation would be for changing that, if it doesn't mean he gets to have as much money to himself.

How about not being so selfish he watches his wife have £3k a year disposable income (despite working 25 hours a week and doing all housework and childcare) when he has more than that every single month.

So - OP goes full time and works the same hours as her husband. Husband goes part-time and does all the house and child care. They have the same amount to spend each and the same time for leisure. Because it's highly unlikely that the husband is earning that money for a 37 hour week.

hahahahhahaha

If you think how many children you are entirely responsible for caring for does not affect your ability to work or perform at work or be promoted/rewarded at work, you either don’t have kids or you are a man.

Jesus this is madness. I came on to say OP was BU because she thought this situation could ever be Ok under any circumstances whatsoever, but I see there's at least one other poster who thinks so too? "Give away half his money" - WTAF? So I'm not living with my family, I'm GIVING AWAY my money?! The lunches would be considered a GIFT to the children?! Well, saves on Christmas presents eh? Deliberately obtuse? Dense? OMFG there's no hope.

OP you are being financially abused, do you really want to stay in this marriage?(and please don't tell us he's a good dad this thread is batshit enough as it is)