To think this is unfair or should I just accept it as I’m an adult too?

[Shortslothdancing]

I had some time out of work when my children were little as a sahm (biggest regret ever) and I’ve gone back to work in the last couple of years, 25 hours a week. I pick up about £1100 a month. Not great.
DH picks up (after tax) approx £5500 a month, he has a company car, a petrol card and a work mobile phone. Although he pays tax on those benefits. We don’t have a mortgage but he does cover the bills from his wages - around £1800 a month, including some of the food bill.
From my £1100 I pay for my phone, my petrol (I still do all the schools runs and taking the kids to clubs etc), my road tax / insurance, about £250 a month of food, kids’ clothes, birthday / Christmas presents (obviously an annual cost, but I try and save a bit each month) and the childcare bill for wrap around - it’s not that much, usually about £60 a month.
phone - £45
petrol - £200
tax / insurance - £50
food - £250
saving for birthdays and Christmas - £50
childcare - £60
clothes for children - varies but I usually allow approx £50 a month as one child is now a teenager and there are three of them.

pocket money for all three dc - £80
This comes to around £800 leaving me about £300 a month. DH is now refusing to pay for school lunches for oldest dc. Two younger ones have sandwiches. The oldest likes to get lunch with his mates at school. This is about £15 a week, so it’ll be another £60 a month.

this will leave me with about £240. I’m sure that is loads to a lot of people at the moment and I probably shouldn’t be complaining but it feels unfair that I am tracking every leftover penny vs DH with his £3.5k left after household bills.
I do all the housework and childcare even though I work 25 hours.
yanbu - yes it’s unfair
yabu - you’re an adult and responsible for yourself and should increase your hours / work harder / take a second job and count yourself lucky that you are overall in a fortunate financial situation.

Presumably when they first had children his income was lower and their outgoings were higher, considering their eldest children are now teens and they have no mortgage.

It's not beyond the realms of possibility he wasn't particularly well off then either.

Absolutely ridiculous op, sorry your in this situation. Shared finances only works when it's fair - this isn't in any way.

To me this goes way past finances, he is zero lack of respect for his family. What an absolute loser.

Im absolutely fuming for you!

Where on earth does this money go? What is the point of having thousands of pounds to spare each month and not spending it on your nearest and dearest? What can he possibly be spending it on?! I genuinely don't get it!

But he knows it very well. He must be completely daft otherwise to not to realise that he needs to provide for his children and start sharing his salary with his close family. They're married, it's not his money, why does he keep it on separate account anyway? I didn't tell her she should divorce him, but it's good to know she has options if he keeps being such a dick after she talked to him.

Just to add - if you ever left him I would imagine you would get quite a decent amount of maintenance from looking at his wage. It sounds like he's employed which would work in your benefit.

Do you really, honestly, believe he's floating along unaware that he's financially abusing her? I mean, yes, ok, he might not agree it's financial abuse. But he's obviously not unaware that she's coughing up for everything for the children and earns far less than him, and he has loads more disposable income. Some strong words and a spreadsheet isn't going to make him suddenly stop being a selfish dick.

It’s horrible. He’s horrible. My grandmothers would have gone home to mother in a situation like that. Does he think the children aren’t his?
Take legal advice.

The concept of family money is dead for many many people. It is very easy for high earners to keep the low earner in a very poor lifestyle whilst enjoying their free cook/cleaner/childminder and hoarding their savings for a healthy retirement. These people don't want spouses. They want servants.

It also prevents the poorer person leaving, as the rich ones can hide their money and stay such after divorce while the poor ones get declared homeless and shunted to a hotel 50 miles away.

I see you have no experience of attempting 'strong words' with a bully.

Totally shocked at this. You're married with children; all earnings should be pooled!

What is he doing with the rest of the money?!

why don’t you two have a shared account?

why are you paying for so many things?

does he have a second or third family?

I”d ask for a shared account right away and stop paying for Christmas presents etc, you’re the one paying allowance, for gifts etc, when he earns so much?!

btw my sister was in this kind of marriage, he was counting every penny of hers while earning 3x her salary. She divorced him. He was not treating her well in general, this is a huge red flag 🚩 for a selfish & worse character

This reminds me of (one of) the reasons I'm no longer with my ex. He earned a LOT more than I did, but everything was split 50/50, leaving me with practically nothing left once I'd paid my half. I used to borrow petrol money off my parents.

He’s got it too good. What decent parent with 3.5k disposable income refuses to pay for school lunches? He sounds irredeemably stingy. It does sound like financial abuse to me. If you can’t sit him down and get him to understand this, I really don’t think the marriage can continue to work.

Your husband is a wanker

you would probably be better off divorced

Its completely unreasonable, and if he doesnt understand that then Id be questioning my marriage.
Send him an invoice for childcare and school runs. If he thinks ita your job he can pay you for it! Joint responsibility, joint lifestyle.

@Noviembre What are you talking about? How do you “see” that?

You’ve read two posts from an OP and have decided she’s married to a financially abusive bully who deserves to be divorced and taken to the cleaners. I’m saying, from experience of financial disparity, that they should talk to each other. But yes, I’m completely unreasonable and have no idea how to deal with “bullies” 🤷🏻‍♀️

You are an adult, you can manage with what you have, you can change your circumstances. That doesn’t stop it being unfair, which it is.
Why don’t you suggest only having a joint account? How is he going to disagree with paying for lunches?

I would suggest one joint account for all bills / kid related payments and separate accounts that your wages get paid into.

Work our all costs and bills and spilt that into a percentage of your take home pay.

if your take home is 1500 and his is 3000 (for easy maths) you put in 1/3 off the bills and he puts in 2/3 bills. Then what ever you have left over is your money to do what you want. Ideally the total bill costs should include a buffer.

With such a high salary he should cover everything - your much smaller income should just go on whatever treats or savings you want. I would use it for days out, things for the kids. As said your husband needs sorting out!

I am in a remarkably similar set up to you. Was a sahm, back at work PT with relatively low pay, no mortgage. My DH’s take home is slightly higher.

My DH pays all the bills. Everything. Including my phone, all expenses for both cars, all food, everything the DC need. We have savings split equally between us. My salary is my own to do what I want with. I do typically save it or use it for nice family treats but there is never any expectation on his part.

his opinion is that he can only earn his salary because I was a sahm and because I still work fewer hours and take on more responsibility with the house and kids.

You can either do the all earnings are pooled and same spending money approach. Or a proportional approach rather than equal spending money approach (i prefer this myself so its down to what you as a family prefer) e.g.

Your collective family basic outgoings are £2600 a month. You earn a fifth of what he does so you should contribute a fifth of outgoings and he covers rest. Each month you put £520 into a joint bills account and he puts in £2080. Then conversations about who pays for what disappear. Everything is covered from the bills account.

If he can't accept this sort of arrangement then he is totally unreasonable.

I'd suggest a divorce will cost him a lot more! Seriously though I'd recommend having a proper talk through about your finances now and longer term. And if he isn't willing to be fair, if it were me I'd be planning towards separation.

He is obviously an asshole and whether he realises it or not it’s financial abuse. Practice in a mirror and every time you and he are together and meet someone say something like oh and if you hear of any jobs going I need a bit more hours John here refuses to pay for the childrens lunch. Etc etc. see what he thinks having it put right out there. I bet he won’t like it.
and if he won’t change, divorce him and go for as much as you can.

You'd probably get more of his money if you divorced. You'd certainly be rid of a fucking arsehole who doesn't care about his family.

I was in your situation for 28 years, when we split up, he has come out of it well (we never married) but he has a massive pension, whilst I am still struggling, make sure you sort out a fairer dynamic, or consider your options.

I left with the relationship with lots of debt whilst he had savings, one of his comments when our middle son got into Uni, was "well dont expect any support from me" our joint finances were taken into consideration so he got a very low grant and I took out a loan to help him, he also took 2 jobs while at Uni and as a result his studying sufferred, some men are just selfish with their money