To think this is unfair or should I just accept it as I’m an adult too?

[Shortslothdancing]

I had some time out of work when my children were little as a sahm (biggest regret ever) and I’ve gone back to work in the last couple of years, 25 hours a week. I pick up about £1100 a month. Not great.
DH picks up (after tax) approx £5500 a month, he has a company car, a petrol card and a work mobile phone. Although he pays tax on those benefits. We don’t have a mortgage but he does cover the bills from his wages - around £1800 a month, including some of the food bill.
From my £1100 I pay for my phone, my petrol (I still do all the schools runs and taking the kids to clubs etc), my road tax / insurance, about £250 a month of food, kids’ clothes, birthday / Christmas presents (obviously an annual cost, but I try and save a bit each month) and the childcare bill for wrap around - it’s not that much, usually about £60 a month.
phone - £45
petrol - £200
tax / insurance - £50
food - £250
saving for birthdays and Christmas - £50
childcare - £60
clothes for children - varies but I usually allow approx £50 a month as one child is now a teenager and there are three of them.

pocket money for all three dc - £80
This comes to around £800 leaving me about £300 a month. DH is now refusing to pay for school lunches for oldest dc. Two younger ones have sandwiches. The oldest likes to get lunch with his mates at school. This is about £15 a week, so it’ll be another £60 a month.

this will leave me with about £240. I’m sure that is loads to a lot of people at the moment and I probably shouldn’t be complaining but it feels unfair that I am tracking every leftover penny vs DH with his £3.5k left after household bills.
I do all the housework and childcare even though I work 25 hours.
yanbu - yes it’s unfair
yabu - you’re an adult and responsible for yourself and should increase your hours / work harder / take a second job and count yourself lucky that you are overall in a fortunate financial situation.

@DifferentPlanet

The OP doesn't indicate that either she or her children go without

Did you not read the first post?

it feels unfair that I am tracking every leftover penny vs DH with his £3.5k left after household bills.

Does this sound like someone who doesn't 'go without'?

This doesn't sound fair to me. I have a similar set up at home in terms of DH's salary, company car etc, except I earn less than you. We have a joint account which both have access to and DH pays into every month. That is used for all food, petrol, bills and school trips, also Christmas and birthday presents. DH also pays £250 into my account each month (self employed so my salary goes up and down) and I buy all kids clothes and toys, holiday outings etc from this. The money should be shared in whatever way is practical for you, but I think most of it should go into a joint account so that you can both see what is being spent on what and can have conversations about that if necessary. It helps to keep things transparent.

He’s not paying a penny for his kids. If he was paying towards rest and just had an issue with school lunch (eg objects to junk) then that’s a different conversation.
If everyone has a school lunch (free school meals get money in lunch account) and at DDs secondary school almost everyone did he’s going to stick out like a sore thumb. Only school lunch could eat in dining room at her school so he probably can’t be with his mates. When you are 13 stuff like that matters. Obviously if a family can’t afford bills then kid has to suck it up but to do that when you have thousands and aren’t paying a penny towards his scouts, football, clothes, school activities, Christmas or birthday present is horrendous.

There was a thread on here recently about sheer amount of money schools were asking for. I suspect Op is vastly underestimating amount she spends on children meaning nothing spare for her. Sounds like 2 at primary and 1 at secondary. Plus they do activities. All paid by Op.

It is beyond unreasonable that you're left with £240 a month and he has £3500. It's an indicator of financial abuse, it's not necessarily abuse given what you've put, but given he's refusing to pay for the DCs dinners, it could well be. How would you be financially if you split? It sounds to me like he engineering a situation where you can't afford to leave, and that's very worrying.

Totally unfair. We allocate the bills so each of us has the same 'spending' money left over. Regardless of who earns the most.

Thanks for the clarification on the segregation of school lunches - it doesn't work like that where we are! And I still agree that he should be paying for his children

But I'm also not understanding what's wrong with the OP working FT and the husband PT. So that money/time/care is more evenly split

Your husband is a selfish entitled wanker. Tell him I said so.

Her clothes budget for 3 children is £600 a year. She will be spending more than that. 3 growing children needing shoes, school uniforms/sports kit, clothes for activities.

You should pool any money left over following paying for bills, Christmas, food, phones, holidays and the split the remainder 50/50. Your dh is being selfish and greedy

He doesn’t sound like type to want to be a hands on dad. To go from doing no childcare to 2 school runs a day to two different schools and ferrying 3 kids to various activities is not everyone’s cup of tea. Plus 100,000 a year jobs often aren’t the sort that can be done pt with a guaranteed leave time.

I don't the DH will reduce his hours.
OP probably knows that even if she ups her hours she'll be left doing everything for the kids.

You need to sit down and run through accounts with your DH.

What does he do with the excess money.

If he doesn't want to share his cash he should as bare minimum be paying for the children and a cleaner if he doesn't value the op doing it.

Have already agreed on paying for kids but am adding my agreement on the cleaner!

I honestly can’t see how anyone can view this as ok. Ops eldest comes home tonight with sole hanging off his school shoe. He’s in adult size that’s at least £40 gone. Middle one brings home letter for his yr 6 leavers hoodie £20 - everyone is getting one mum. Little one is going to panto with school £15. Next week it’s bring money to school for a poppy. Week after bring a bottle of wine for Christmas fayre. Each time her heart sinks. Mid month she’s already spent up. Meanwhile he’s able to buy whatever he fancies.

I don't suppose we can even hope he's been putting money aside for the loss of your pension as a sahm.
As many others have said, you need to wise up and investigate thoroughly where his money's going/held/deposited/spent.
Do it secretly so you're armed with info before instigating any discussion.
Compile the information and lodge it safely elsewhere in preparation.

he's not stupid. he knows his wife is barely scraping by. And your "equal divide" doesn't take into account any of the value that she provides by working part time in order to care for his children/his home.

When did all this happen? Did I miss a post?

No just guessing type of things op will be paying out based on 3 kids 2 in primary and 2 in secondary.

This. This is the appropriate response when someone values the contribution their partner is making.

@DifferentPlanet

If the OP had stated that her husband earns a lot of money and she is given housekeeping of £X a week and when it's gone it's gone then I would agree. But in the scenario we're being given it's simply that he earns more than she does. Which doesn't equal financial abuse

It’s not either/or.

He earns more than she does and he’s not even giving her housekeeping.

She’s covering too much household expenses comparative to her income. He needs to step up and pay more for his kids.

They need a joint account that she can pay for the kids stuff from.

It’s this kind of silly attitude that lands women up shit creek financially without a pension.

Exactly. I bet OP does school commitments, most of childcare, housekeeping, because she "only" works part time. If her husband can't put value on this and thinks she doesn't deserve to use money he makes, there's no hope for him as a husband and father.

Not fair. DH earns 1.5x what I do unless it’s a good bonus year for me. Absolutely everything goes into one account. We agree together on big purchases.

when I was on mat leave I spent what I wanted as long as it was within our agreed household budget.

I would be getting all my ducks in a row cos he's a selfish b...tard and must be doing this knowingly.
Refusing £15 weekly for teens school lunches FFS...when its important the child fits in with their mates!
In life, never fail to have a backup plan or a getout clause cos you never know what's round the corner. And never allow yourself to be at a potential disadvantage over the long term.
As primary caregivers, women are most often disadvantaged and don't the threads on here prove just that.

in what world does he think this is anything but unfair?

you need to tell your dh he is being a tight arse git

"It’s this kind of silly attitude that lands women up shit creek financially without a pension."

Wouldn't this all be avoided if the people in a similar position to the OP didn't get themselves into these situations by remaining financially independent, insisting childcare/etc be split, stayed in FT employment and ensured they could take care of their own pension contributions without even agreeing up front that someone else will take care of all the pesky money things?

but anyway to weigh on in the actual topic, the DH is coming across as a prick. I'm unclear how him having more money than the OP is abuse (she's said nothing to imply she is ever left without or has to beg for money etc, only that she's careful with her money), it just looks like he's selfish.

Have you ever actually ran out of money in a month? What happened? We have separate finances (with joint account for shared bills/child stuff) and I end up with more left over at the end of each month as I'm the higher earner. I've tried to give my DP access to my accounts etc but they couldn't be bothered to setup security questions etc with the bank and didn't respond when they got sent a letter asking for details etc. am I financially abusing them?