To think this is unfair or should I just accept it as I’m an adult too?

[Shortslothdancing]

I had some time out of work when my children were little as a sahm (biggest regret ever) and I’ve gone back to work in the last couple of years, 25 hours a week. I pick up about £1100 a month. Not great.
DH picks up (after tax) approx £5500 a month, he has a company car, a petrol card and a work mobile phone. Although he pays tax on those benefits. We don’t have a mortgage but he does cover the bills from his wages - around £1800 a month, including some of the food bill.
From my £1100 I pay for my phone, my petrol (I still do all the schools runs and taking the kids to clubs etc), my road tax / insurance, about £250 a month of food, kids’ clothes, birthday / Christmas presents (obviously an annual cost, but I try and save a bit each month) and the childcare bill for wrap around - it’s not that much, usually about £60 a month.
phone - £45
petrol - £200
tax / insurance - £50
food - £250
saving for birthdays and Christmas - £50
childcare - £60
clothes for children - varies but I usually allow approx £50 a month as one child is now a teenager and there are three of them.

pocket money for all three dc - £80
This comes to around £800 leaving me about £300 a month. DH is now refusing to pay for school lunches for oldest dc. Two younger ones have sandwiches. The oldest likes to get lunch with his mates at school. This is about £15 a week, so it’ll be another £60 a month.

this will leave me with about £240. I’m sure that is loads to a lot of people at the moment and I probably shouldn’t be complaining but it feels unfair that I am tracking every leftover penny vs DH with his £3.5k left after household bills.
I do all the housework and childcare even though I work 25 hours.
yanbu - yes it’s unfair
yabu - you’re an adult and responsible for yourself and should increase your hours / work harder / take a second job and count yourself lucky that you are overall in a fortunate financial situation.

My dh now earns 20x my wage (before tax), and we've had long periods where I wasn't able to contribute at all (illness and when dc were young).

Not once has my dh ever made me feel as though it's his money.

We have joint accounts only and although I'm naturally not a big spender, my dh has never questioned what I spend money on and has actually encouraged me to spend more on myself.

He's of the opinion that we are a couple and what's his is mine (as am I).

But, we had discussed our attitudes to money, dc, religion, etc, etc, before we got too serious so we knew that we were on the same page in regard to the important things.

@Shortslothdancing Did you not ever do this, or has he changed?

I don't think I get why you put two laughing emojis, because it's not funny at all. This guy just doesn't care. He's comfy having lots of money for himself.

Honestly, this.

This. Absolutely horrendous.

@Shortslothdancing forgot to add..... This is unfair and it doesn't seem as though your dh values you at all, or the contribution you've made in raising his (your) dc and keeping his (your) house running and all other life admin.

I'm not sure what the answer is though, but it certainly seems as though he doesn't care about you at all and sees you as lesser than him.

@xogossipgirlxo because honestly, why is the MumsNet default to threaten to divorce him, remove his children from the family home, claim CMS and live a lonely life?

This is 100% fixable. I have been the lower earner and the breadwinner. They just need to talk to each other. He earns roughly £100k - give the man a spreadsheet and some strong words.

I’ve never been a SAHM, but I did burn through my savings on my first maternity leave because I kept contributing to bills. I then told my husband that was unfair and would never happen again. And it hasn’t.

The naivety here is astonishing.

It really is not that he lacks basic mathematical skills.

He understands exactly what he is doing both financially and in terms of benefiting from domestic and childcare labour from OP. How you can acknowledge he is a dick for refusing to pay for his children's lunches, yet see that as an aberration and not part of his system, is utterly beyond me.

And 2,972 disposable income compared to 468 is not fair.

He knows she has £3,000 a year disposable income. He knows he has £42,000 a year disposable income.

Someone capable of commanding a £100,000 doesn't need a spreadsheet to see how unfair and cruel that is. They need a moral compass.

Reading threads like this makes me so angry. This utter shit of a man not paying for his own children. I would divorce the cunt and take him for every penny - he is fucking scum.

I don't think people expect to say 'ltb' and that the OP will immediately comply. The OP will always make their own decision of course. But the knowledge that they COULD and CAN leave is a powerful thing if they are being financially abused. It's about the power you have to make your own decisions.

Exactly. He's not an idiot, he knows exactly what he's doing.

What sort of a man refuses to pay for food for his children?

It's not because he doesn't understand that he can afford it. He's financially abusing his family and people saying he just needs to be told that he earns more money than his wife are being spectacularly naive.

Your husband got to his wage by having you there taking care of his children and letting him focus on work. He didn’t have to balance work and child care for a young child. He didn’t have to miss out on work to recover from childbirth. He continues to be able to maximize his earnings by you being the parent that takes care of more child related issues. Those things don’t just impact earning power on the moment, they are cumulative over and entire career.

Your current financial setup is monumentally unfair.

it won’t be solved with small adjustments. It needs to be completely reset.

He pays absolutely nothing for his children? What am I reading?

I came to suggest this so, this!

You have been financially abused your entire marriage OP.

honestly the difference is so great either OP should pay nothing towards bills, DH should provide more to OP to help with disposable, or DH should contirbute towards a private pension for OP.

Also, without you doing these things your dh wouldn't be earning what he does now as you've facilitated his career by taking time out of yours to raise his (your) dc.

If he'd been the one to do that it would have stalled his career so he wouldn't be as far along as he is, and if (god forbid) you weren't around, he'd have to pay someone a lot more than you're getting to look after his kids/house; or he'd have to give up his job to do it himself.
Either way, he wouldn't be earning (or keeping as much of it) as he does at the moment.

OP, DH and I have never had a joint account. He was bybfar the bigger earner. After a break to look after the DC I went back to work 20 years ago and cleared £600. I can honestly say working part-time, 7 hours less than you and juggling home and hearth was the hardest I have ever worked and I always had a cleaner.

From the £600 I bought the DC's and my clothes, plus haircuts and personal.spends. DH started giving me a £500 monthly allowance for food and household expenses.

Over the years and as I earnt more, I picked up things like my car and the DC's activities.

I think that was fair and it never bothered me that DH had stacks more personal money. Mainly because he didn't spend it but rather stashed it away for the family.

You and your DH need a serious talk.

Doesn't sound like your marriage is a partnership at all.
Did you agree to be a housewife with him? What was the deal?

Mine makes half what yours does and I make just under what you do and consider myself a housewife because all that money is mine and he pays all the bills.

That's what HE wants. It's what I want.

How has it got to this? Where is all his money going if not on his family?

You are not responsible for yourself in a family. That's the entire point of a family, it's like a business. You don't hire people in a company to all do a bit of each job, you hire a manager, a cleaner, etc. etc.

I'm the cleaner, the school runner, the cook, the tidier, the organiser, the first aider, animal carer, and a few other things.

He's the bill payer and we are both the parent and partner.

You're not financially independent if you're a wife, you're in a family and a marriage and not single.

He's a financial controlling ass. It's a type of domestic abuse. He can't expect a teenager to take a pack up for school. It's not cool to do that. My mum couldn't afford school dinners for me when she was told we were no longer entitled to free school meals second year seniors. I chose to go home and make my own dinner rather than take a pack up.

I never understand how this situation occurs. He's a cockwomble and needs telling.

It’s financial abuse. He’s got 3 children and is not paying a penny for childrens’ childcare, activities, lunch or clothes.
I couldn’t live like that. what example is it setting children.
What happens if teen gets an opportunity to go on a school holiday - you say no as you can’t afford it meanwhile dad has thousands spare. What about uni? Your dc can’t borrow enough to cover their halls as maintenance loan goes on family income and parents are expected to make up difference. You can’t afford to pay and he won’t.
If you get some legal advice and check cm and benefits position I suspect you’d be much better off.

Right I don’t understand the whole idea of married with separate finances. It’s weird to me the idea of my husband having more disposable income than me or I had more than him. If/when I get married I’ll definitely be discussing expectations regarding this to make sure we are on the same page.

Yup, having financial security the best thing about being married. I can use my husband's card for anything I want but I make a bit of money for personal treats without ever having to worry about our bills. Best way to live in my opinion.