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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about halloween?

119 replies

Ano12nnn · 01/11/2022 07:55

Just woke up to lots of notifications on WhatsApp and Facebook of everyone’s halloween with the kids. I feel sorry for my kids aged 6 and 2. I know I can turn off notifications but that’s not the point.

DH always minimises how I feel and even last night when I said I feel bad for the kids as no one wants to ever make plans with us he replied “well we live in UK not America, no one does halloween here”. Total lie as I can see from these pictures all of DD’s friends got together and had a halloween party. I really do try and suggest we do something with DD’s friends but it always like “yeah we should, let me get back to you” but nothing from them.

one of the mums I’m really close with (or so I thought) but even she did something last night and didn’t invite me or my kids.

I feel really down. We’re moving to a new street soon (sane area) I really want to make a fresh start and get to know my neighbours. DH again minimises me and said no one in London chats to neighbours. I feel so lonely. I’m not from here and always assumed kids would make lots of friends and I would too through them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ano12nnn · 01/11/2022 07:56

*same area

OP posts:
ZeroFuchsGiven · 01/11/2022 07:59

Why didnt you do something with your kids, no need to wait for an invite, just take them T&T to a few close neighbours.

frangipani13 · 01/11/2022 07:59

I’m sorry you feel so let down but please don’t let social media make you feel inadequate. Lots of people don’t celebrate or have parties/decorate their houses, but it’s not amplified on social media like the ones that have. Perhaps when you move make a real concerted effort to know your neighbours and parents at your kids’ school.

WildGooses · 01/11/2022 08:00

This sounds like it’s more about your own loneliness than your children? Why not invite people to your house to do something?

ShippingNews · 01/11/2022 08:01

Stop listening to your DH. He is lying about these things. Sounds to me that he is trying to isolate you and the children - that is a major red flag. You need to give some thoughts to why he is doing this, it's very controlling.

sheepdogdelight · 01/11/2022 08:01

At 6 and 2, children's activities are parent led. It sound as though your DD does have friends, but simply because you've not been in the area as long, other parents won't know her (or you) as well as they've known other children (they may even have known their parents pre-children).

In a year or 2 (for your oldest) the children will start dictating friendships more and having more fixed friends.

If you'd wanted to do something on Hallowe'en, why didn't you go out Trick or Treating? Chances are you would have met other children round and about.

OutofControl3 · 01/11/2022 08:01

Well I Didn't take my children our either I let them dress up when they got home played some Halloween music and dances, gave them their party tea on paper Halloween plates nice bath Halloween pjs then watched the Adams family with sweets. Didn't invite anyone just done it myself as Didn't want to go out into the streets ect. Maybe next year do something for urself doesn't have to be anything major! Hope thus helps!

sheepdogdelight · 01/11/2022 08:02

ShippingNews · 01/11/2022 08:01

Stop listening to your DH. He is lying about these things. Sounds to me that he is trying to isolate you and the children - that is a major red flag. You need to give some thoughts to why he is doing this, it's very controlling.

I'm not sure saying people in London don't talk to their neighbours (no idea if that's true or not, but people don't talk to their neighbours here) makes him controlling.

Slightly huge stretch there ...

Bsmirched · 01/11/2022 08:02

No one invited us - we just went. The vast majority of trick or treaters we saw were families out on their own.

Original poster
Ano12nnn · 01/11/2022 08:03

Why not invite people to your house to do something?

I DID but was met with “I will get back to you”, didn’t get back to me and then I see on social media the same mum and other DD’s friends got together and had a party.

OP posts:
Mardyface · 01/11/2022 08:03

Sorry you're feeling like this. I live in London too and know the feeling well. The trouble is that once you start feeling like that it has the opposite effect to what you want because I think you (I) start selling a bit desperate to be included. Your kids are very little though OP and there will be plenty more opportunities for these types of activities. In the meantime you just have to focus on enjoying your time with your kids. As an example it so happened that my younger DD and I were on our own on Halloween for the first time in years and we had a lovely time together dressing up to answer the door to trick or treaters. I had felt a bit blue and lonely but it cheered me right up.

The move is an opportunity for a new start too and some streets are just friendlier than others. You can make sure you're friendly and approachable (in that slightly distant way that doesn't scare Londoners off 😁) and things are bound to improve. Flowers

Applesandcarrots · 01/11/2022 08:04

ShippingNews · 01/11/2022 08:01

Stop listening to your DH. He is lying about these things. Sounds to me that he is trying to isolate you and the children - that is a major red flag. You need to give some thoughts to why he is doing this, it's very controlling.

Oooor.
He is trying to make her feel less bad.
"No one does halloween" was a reaction not pre action.
Neigbour talking will probably be the same.

Just saying it doesn't have to be svil behaviour

NairobiGal · 01/11/2022 08:04

Ano12nnn · 01/11/2022 07:55

Just woke up to lots of notifications on WhatsApp and Facebook of everyone’s halloween with the kids. I feel sorry for my kids aged 6 and 2. I know I can turn off notifications but that’s not the point.

DH always minimises how I feel and even last night when I said I feel bad for the kids as no one wants to ever make plans with us he replied “well we live in UK not America, no one does halloween here”. Total lie as I can see from these pictures all of DD’s friends got together and had a halloween party. I really do try and suggest we do something with DD’s friends but it always like “yeah we should, let me get back to you” but nothing from them.

one of the mums I’m really close with (or so I thought) but even she did something last night and didn’t invite me or my kids.

I feel really down. We’re moving to a new street soon (sane area) I really want to make a fresh start and get to know my neighbours. DH again minimises me and said no one in London chats to neighbours. I feel so lonely. I’m not from here and always assumed kids would make lots of friends and I would too through them.

I took my 4 year old out trick or treating just the two of us. We also went to a halloween show during the week and did face painting before nursery. I made it special for him. He has no siblings and didn't even think to try and meet up with his friends from pre school. Did you not think to do something as a family? On the flip side OP I came back from trick or treating feeling a little glum at how many family units with two parents and lots of kids opened the door all excited about Halloween. It's a lovely thought.

Reverie83 · 01/11/2022 08:05

I'm sorry that you feel like that...did you take your little ones trick or treating?

You say that you message people for playdates but have they been concrete offers of just airy fairy? It will take time, has your 6 year old made any good friends at school, what are the school mums like?

I hardly ever socialise with my neighbours. We say hello and how are you. But thats about it. 2 of the families on my lane have kids and the rest are retired couples. Sometimes its a very English attitude to "not want to be in each others pockets" ....if that makes sense.

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 01/11/2022 08:05

FGS how old is your DH? Halloween was a thing when I was a child my earliest recollection was 1991! How has he missed at least thirty years of this celebration?! Tell him the party bus is moving and he needs to get on it and move with the times.

CaronPoivre · 01/11/2022 08:07

Well just talk to your neighbours. It’s not possible to stop you saying ‘Good Morning’ as a starting point. You’ll pick up whether they want to chat.

What stopped you inviting people to go out tricking? What stops you asking someone or a few to go to a Bonfire at the weekend? If nobody is available take the children yourself and talk to people there.

luxxlisbon · 01/11/2022 08:07

You could have just made the effort to make it special yourself though.
You don’t need other people to invite you to a party in order to do something with your kids.
A 6 and 2 year old would have just as much fun having a little halllween tea in the house, watching a movie and some local trick or treating.

Chomolungma · 01/11/2022 08:07

Why not take the two of them trick or treating on their own? Sometimes you join up with other groups as you go around.

Original poster
Ano12nnn · 01/11/2022 08:08

Sorry I wasn’t clear I’ve actually lived here for 10 years when I got married. DD has known her friends since nursery. She’s really popular and when I drop and pick her up all the kids are around us and even ask to come over our home or go park. But when I approach the mums it’s very airy fairy responses. I read some advice on here before to arrange a day and invite them but that didn’t work.

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 01/11/2022 08:10

Just take the kids out on your own. You'd be likely to meet others on the way round.

NoSquirrels · 01/11/2022 08:10

Ano12nnn · 01/11/2022 08:03

Why not invite people to your house to do something?

I DID but was met with “I will get back to you”, didn’t get back to me and then I see on social media the same mum and other DD’s friends got together and had a party.

Did you say “We’re doing a little tea party on Halloween and then trick or treating - can you come?”

Or did you say “It would be nice to do something on Halloween”?

If you did the former (concrete plan), did you invite several families? And did they all say no/vague?

And then even if they’ve said no, you can still do the Halloween tea party and trick or treating with your own kids.

girlmom21 · 01/11/2022 08:11

Maybe it's not DD they're excluding. Maybe it's you or DH. That doesn't mean you can't have a Halloween party just for your children or take them to a community one.

40andfit · 01/11/2022 08:11

Ano12nnn · 01/11/2022 08:03

Why not invite people to your house to do something?

I DID but was met with “I will get back to you”, didn’t get back to me and then I see on social media the same mum and other DD’s friends got together and had a party.

Did you say we should do something or did you say Anna is invited to a Halloween party at ours between 3 and 5 on Sunday. Please let me know as ASAP?

HappyAsASandboy · 01/11/2022 08:13

I think you have to take control here. If you want to do something for Halloween with your kids then you have to just do it, not wait for someone else to organise it!

IME Halloween is a very ad hoc event. We go trick or treating as a family, and often meet other families while we're out and may walk with them for a while (or might not!). If we're with people when it gets cold/dark/late, then we might go back to their house or them come here.

Last night was the first year we have ever done anything more arranged than simply heading out to trick or treat. Logistics are currently hard in the afternoons for me, so a friend invited me to leave three of my kids with her while I collected the fourth, so that turned into a chicken nugget tea and spooky music - if it was on Facebook it'd look like a party but it really wasn't arranged that way.

Halloween is about going outside and doing trick or treating. Anything else is an extra. If you want your kids to do trick or treating then you have to make that happen.

NoSquirrels · 01/11/2022 08:13

Ano12nnn · 01/11/2022 08:08

Sorry I wasn’t clear I’ve actually lived here for 10 years when I got married. DD has known her friends since nursery. She’s really popular and when I drop and pick her up all the kids are around us and even ask to come over our home or go park. But when I approach the mums it’s very airy fairy responses. I read some advice on here before to arrange a day and invite them but that didn’t work.

OK, so when they didn’t get back to you, what did you do? Did you message again, or just left it?

The thing is, if you’d messaged again and they’d had another offer, and it was people you mutually knew, in my experience the chances are you get included in the other thing.