To be upset about halloween?

[Ano12nnn]

Just woke up to lots of notifications on WhatsApp and Facebook of everyone’s halloween with the kids. I feel sorry for my kids aged 6 and 2. I know I can turn off notifications but that’s not the point.

DH always minimises how I feel and even last night when I said I feel bad for the kids as no one wants to ever make plans with us he replied “well we live in UK not America, no one does halloween here”. Total lie as I can see from these pictures all of DD’s friends got together and had a halloween party. I really do try and suggest we do something with DD’s friends but it always like “yeah we should, let me get back to you” but nothing from them.

one of the mums I’m really close with (or so I thought) but even she did something last night and didn’t invite me or my kids.

I feel really down. We’re moving to a new street soon (sane area) I really want to make a fresh start and get to know my neighbours. DH again minimises me and said no one in London chats to neighbours. I feel so lonely. I’m not from here and always assumed kids would make lots of friends and I would too through them.

What you mean is, I dont care about halloween so i make no effort with my kids and expect them not to like it too.

Have you never had a birthday party for dd? You say she’s been friends since nursery with many of her classmates.

Im sorry you feel a bit excluded by the other mums. Your shyness could be holding you back or the women you’re approaching have formed a clique- rather unpleasant but it often happens.

Dont take it personally.
And as others have said, don’t pore over social media, it’ll just make you feel inadequate.

As time goes on friendship groups evolve and I'm sure you'll get into a group that is inclusive.

Next year just take your children out, it's loads of fun even when not in a group.

You could have taken the kids trick or treating. At the end of the day they don’t know there were parties going on without them unless you tell them (it would go over the 2 year olds head anyway).

but dressing up and trick or treating with parents and siblings is plenty of fun for little kids. You’re hurt because you feel left out, but the kids won’t notice at all.

Your dd's friends parents don't sound very nice. Almost certainly they are friends with each other, and hence the children are often just a bolt on?
I confess I have done similar when the dc were younger. I would just invite my friends and the kids would play, as mostly at toddler age they are not aware of halloween and are too young for T&T.
Social media makes all of this feel so much worse, when you realise what is happening without your family.
Next year have a family party, or an all class party at your house. Get the invites out early and you are bound to have lots of children. Make a note for Christmas and other events too. Be more proactive. Encourage lots of different circles of friendships so you have lots to choose from in the future.

You need to start inviting the children to do things, drop off and pick up style, not inviting the parents.

So, instead of “we are going for an ice cream on Friday, do you want to come?” change it something like “DC would like to invite X over next Friday after school. I can pick up from school and drop back at 6pm, hope she can make it” type invitations.

If the child always does club on a Friday, for example, ask if there is any other night during the week that works.

For the Halloween party, arrange a month ahead, be specific that it is a party and put drop off and pick up times.

We've never been invited to Halloween things so will just do our own thing. We have a little party in the house then go out and do trick or treating. The kids have great fun. We often see other kids/parents from the class all doing it together. Yes it would be nice if someone invited us along but they haven't so far! I'm not going to sit and analyse why this is. I'm sure it's not because they're horrible people. It is what it is so we just get on with it and always have a brilliant time.

I’m not from here and always assumed kids would make lots of friends and I would too through them.

Why? The only thing you have in common with them will be that you have children around a similar age.

I went to a friend's party on Saturday. This is a friend who I met through a hobby when she was looking after children. She delibrately chose to make her own friends and not rely on making them through any children she lives with/has.

In regards to neighbours I found I end up talking to elderly people and children first simply because those are the neighbours who are around. From there I meet the rest of their families including family members that visit regularly. (The same has happened with one of my siblings e.g. I know some of his neighbours as I have visited regularly for years.)

Sorry to hear this, op. Maybe next year if it doesn't work out with other children, you could do some Halloween things with your kids on your own? Pumpkin carving, dressing up and take them trick or treating. They'll still have a great time with you.

Hi Op - I'm a big socialiser/ friendly outgoing person - Ill share my thoughts on this with you. It's effort! You might look and see people having a great time and think it comes naturally I promise it never ever does

I recently moved areas - so I was totally anxious about who my kids would trick or treat with - I directly messaged a mum I barely know and was honest - I said dd has nobody to trick or treat with can we join you - and she said of course, we had a lovely time and it made my heart burst to see my kid who has struggled socially running around with these other children

Nothing comes without effort - you have to specifically put your ego aside and tell people you want to meet up or invite them

Your husband sounds awful by the way. I have no idea why you would listen to him - obviously people In london talk to their neighbours.

I have lived in London my whole life - I make a huge effort to get to know neighbours, if I see they have kids I invite them over, I suggest children play together, I set up a whatsapp for our street - there are loads of people who are just too busy - so don't be offended, but you will find others who feel like you

Please ignore your husband and just set out to find your tribe

I see a lot of posts by people on mumsnet who say they are lonely and feel left out of life - the answer is not an easy one but you have to get out there and make it happen.

Join PTA- organise events that you will feel part of. Walk the walk!

And don't let people get you down - of course it is natural to think you will make friends through your kids - I have met many many people through my kids

But you have to push a bit - I think some areas it is harder than others

As your children get older they will also start to make their own arrangements and that becomes easier.

Agree about joining the PTA - offer to help at events. Your kids are young you still have time.

When you move to your new street - ask around is there a whatsapp. Ask if there has ever been a street party

Look up Playing Out and organise regular Play Streets (done through the Council) _ I guaruntee there will be at least one other person on your new street up for helping you

OP I think as a first step you need to make some friends. School mums are pretty meh as friends in my experience it’s better to find people who you have stuff in common with via clubs.

That’s a really concerning abnormal response. He’s just trying to make her feel less bad. Your response is concerning in how extreme it is and quite odd.

Congratulations.

Great story tell it again!

To be fair, her username has London in it and she's affirming the OP's husband's opinion. It's not that irrelevant.

I agree with PP. You need to offer to take the kids off their hands, feed them and deliver them back at first. Not try and involve the parents. They're far more likely to reciprocate, then extend the offer of a cup of tea or glass of wine if you demonstrate value.

This will sound harsh, but I think it's useful, but neediness is not attractive as a friend quality. And the fact that OP didn't get the responses she wanted and then went and did nothing for herself, THEN came to Mumsnet to whinge in the aftermath would give me the impression that it would feel like I was wanted just for company, not because I was a person they liked. So if you want friends, OP, I advise working extra hard on being USEFUL, not demanding.

Op you are determined to ignore the qn of why you didn't do anything with them yourself if it's mattered to them / you?
Did you get trick or treaters? I used to dress DS up and let him answer the door. Now we go out ourselves but when we get back he still gets to do this for the idler kids who come later.

When you move area will the kids be moving schools?

Ignore your DH. I lived in London for 15 years and have always had neighbourhood WhatsApps, street parties, trick or treating, etc.

It might be these other mums are mean and don’t like you there or they might just be flighty and it’s sheer bad luck. Think of the move to a new neighbourhood as a fresh start: join or start a neighbourhood WhatsApp – we’ve just moved to where there is one and it turns out it was only started six months ago by new people who’ve really drummed up a community; hold a housewarming and invite the neighbours; and offer really concrete invitations to DC’s friends. In my experience parents want invitations as it saves them hosting and gives the kids something to do!

It's odd that your dd is popular but not invited, this is definitely down to the mums. Your kids probably don't care as long as they got a treat. I couldn't be bothered about Halloween, where I grew up it was just something you saw on TV. Dh took ds to do some ToT last night, and he was chuffed with all his Sweets collected. I didn't even know kids Halloween parties is a thing now??

Whereabouts in london? Near us, there is general trick or treating - going to houses with pumpkins and decorations - you don’t need to be in a group for that. We also had various organised things that you could go to - the local shops did a free Halloween trail where you could go to spot pumpkins and earn a sweetie bag; and there was also an organised (paid) spooky walk in the park by a local am dram group. So, I wonder if looking out for those sorts of group / community things would be good for next year?

We don't do anything with other people. With the kids we watch halloween movies, decorate the house, do crafts, carve pumpkins then I take kids trick treating in one street.

It's what you make of it.

You should have just taken your kids trick or treating. Why did you think you needed your DH's permission for that?