To be upset about halloween?

[Ano12nnn]

Just woke up to lots of notifications on WhatsApp and Facebook of everyone’s halloween with the kids. I feel sorry for my kids aged 6 and 2. I know I can turn off notifications but that’s not the point.

DH always minimises how I feel and even last night when I said I feel bad for the kids as no one wants to ever make plans with us he replied “well we live in UK not America, no one does halloween here”. Total lie as I can see from these pictures all of DD’s friends got together and had a halloween party. I really do try and suggest we do something with DD’s friends but it always like “yeah we should, let me get back to you” but nothing from them.

one of the mums I’m really close with (or so I thought) but even she did something last night and didn’t invite me or my kids.

I feel really down. We’re moving to a new street soon (sane area) I really want to make a fresh start and get to know my neighbours. DH again minimises me and said no one in London chats to neighbours. I feel so lonely. I’m not from here and always assumed kids would make lots of friends and I would too through them.

Iv never heard of this group thing. Even growing up patents just took their own kids trick a treating.

I don’t understand why you sat there waiting for everyone around you to include you and your kids in what they had chosen to do?

You could have had a lovely time just by yourselves.

I understand how you feel OP. Left out...which is hard.

Just put a smile on your face - make your own plans, have your own fun and chat happily with the other parents as much as you can manage. Hopefully the invites will come in time.

So next year for Halloween plan to go trick or treating with your DC. It doesn’t have to be with others. Just plan to have fun.

You can ask others to join you or else just do it yourselves and you might run into other people you know.

It’s definitely hard when you are introverted. Start small. Go to parks or soft play at busy times when people are more likely to be there. Try chatting to other parents while you are there. Build your confidence.

I agree that it would be good for you to try and find friends that are not the parents of your DC classmates. Could you try joining a book group, gym, craft group, whatever interests you??

And yes, offer play dates for the DC only with a couple of options for days. Offer to take the invited child home from school.

With Christmas coming up, start to make some plans there. Doesn’t have to involve other families. It’s about getting out, having fun and enjoying yourselves. It gives you things to talk about with others. Also if other families are doing similar things you may see them there and that gives you a bond, rather than just John’s mum at the school gates.

Good luck

People have busy lives

Oh that persistent excuse when rude (and often cliquey) people use when they can't be bothered to get back to people whether it is for a playdate, Halloween tea, Christmas - those thread will be starting up now if they haven't already or even a wedding.

Funnily enough we had busy lives years ago and managed to arrange things and be way more polite and organised - certainly where I lived although I moved about 5 times when my children were small so this is quite a broad observation. This was before everyone had mobile phones and certainly didn't have email and WhatsApp while on the move, when you simply HAD to be more organised.

I don't buy it. These people are excluding this woman and her children to an extent and yes there is good advice about how to maybe improve this although it mightn't work.

I also don't think that the husband has particularly good intentions although I may be wrong.

I didn't read all the responses but the ones I read are completely not getting what the issue is here.

I'm so sorry you and your kids are being/ have been excluded. It's not fair and it's sad, especially because of the little ones.

I don't have an advice. It's v hard not to let it get to you. But you're not alone.

The only young kids (under 8 maybe) who knocked on our door last night were with their parents and maybe a younger sibling.

Is it really the norm for 6 year olds to do something as a group on Halloween?

I took DD out last night for the first time doing the Halloween thing and she had an absolute ball. She didn't need to be in a group with friends.

I wouldn't rely on making friends with mums to form your own social life. Do something separate just for you like a team sport, book club, volunteering, music. Anything at all but you need to put something in place so that you don't project your disappointment at lack of social life onto your young children.

It sounds like there's a group of mums that just hang out together and aren't interested in more friends.
Find some non cliquey friends.
Do things with your dc yourself. There are lots of organised activities in local communities, parks and libraries and in national trust places.
My dcs had fun answering the door all dressed up to trick or treaters, watching spooky films, eating popcorn and sweets. It doesn't have to be a big social event for young dc to have fun.

OP you have to be more proactive here? Surely your older kid could have had a friend back on a playdate after school and you could have taken them trick or treating? Or just taken your 2 out?

It's nothing to do with your husband - if you wanted to do it then you could have?

This

I live on a big estate & I just saw lots of mums on their own out with their kids. I went out with my friend who has a DD same age as mine but if she was busy, I’d have just taken my DD out & thought no more of it.

just do things with your children, most people are not at parties/out with loads of other.

That's really hard. I know how you feel, when it comes to my kids I'm usually the one making all the effort and taking the initiative and it's exhausting and lonely.

Agree you need different friends, and they don't need to be mum's of your DC's friends.

I made friends through a hobby. I was doing the hobby two years before we actually became what I'd call friends! So it was a slow burn.

I see a lot of posts by people on mumsnet who say they are lonely and feel left out of life - the answer is not an easy one but you have to get out there and make it happen.

That's what I always said and thought. Until I started taking dc to school. People I smiled and said hello to will blank me the next morning.

Today there was a mum who has stopped waiting near the classroom door. I had talked to her before and so I said 'alright?' with a smile. Her body was towards me but she looked down and pretended not to see me. I said 'hi' and nothing! No way she she couldn't see or hear me. It was a clear 'don't talk to me'.

Not a single person says hello to me at the gate. I'm fairly boring, not overbearing, not over friendly. Just trying to make effort for dc with a little smile and hellos and being brutally rejected. (I've been crying for the last hour so am emotional. Not trying to hijack the thread - sorry.)

@Ano12nnn
I do understand how you feel.
Loneliness is actually a lot more common than you’d think.
It’s especially common in London ( Londoner!)
When we moved out to another area to buy a house, I was surprised at how people SPOKE to strangers!

Maybe making a definite date with perhaps one other child /mother, and keep it short and sweet?
It’s not easy unless one is confident and breezy-
Best of luck🙂

Surely you could have just taken your kids out trick or treating yourself, no? Just round the local neighbourhood? You might have bumped into other families. No need to stay in if no-one's invited you.

Yesterday evening we had a real mix at the door - little ones just with their parents; small groups; large groups; teens.

Yes we are in a bit of London that really does Halloween and can also feel very much like "social media big groups of friends land", but there were loads of families going out on their own and even the odd solo 12 yr old last night. You need to focus on enjoying yourself whatever happens. Social events if it's fun but not for the sake of feeling 'included'. I know it's tricky.

People do talk to their neighbours.

Almost certainly they are friends with each other, and hence the children are often just a bolt on?

This is often true, especially when kids are younger. Remember also that Facebook can give a false impression; everything looks brilliant and perfectly organised on there. I’ve fallen foul of this with a friend who documents everything on social media. Bumped into her in the post office and went for a spontaneous quick coffee. Cue “lovely catch up with Wimpole” picture on FB. The worst was when I was arranging to go to the panto with another friend; she came into the coffee shop we were in and we got chatting about it and she said she’d like to come with her DD. No problem - I went down and bought tickets and we all duly went. But the post on Facebook was epic. Loads of photos - all of us, all the panto sets. And it caused quite a lot of upset among the wider group (of 12 mums or so) who saw the photos and thought there’d been a big, organised group event from which they’d been excluded. And it wasn’t really like that at all…. So those Halloween photos could easily have been taken as people bumped into each other on the street, rather than there having been some prearranged party.

Sorry your feeling lonely.
I always took Dd on her own and never did anything organised with friends.
I didn't ever make friends with her friends parents apart from chatting at the park etc. But I think that was more me than them as I always feel no one would want to be friends with me!

Around here, you dress your kids up, put on some face paint, and go trick or treating on houses with halloween decorations. It's very fun and you don't need to wait for people to include you. You start as soon as it's dark, so around 5.30. DH took the kids out for an hour walk around the neighbourhood and they got a bucket full of sweets each. I stayed at home and open the doors to the T or Ters. It's very fun and I love hear the giggles of kids. There is a 50/50 mix of small family groups and kids friends groups.

Have a look around your neighbourhood and see how many have decorations out. This will give you an idea of whether it's a big thing around yours.

But maybe it wasn’t at her friends house and she can’t invite you to someone else’s party.

it takes time to make friends.

I do feel sorry for you. I have felt like that a bit before, at times. But..tbh I’d just do something me and the children! I do loads of stuff just me and them and they love it! They see their friends a lot , and actually some times I think it’s more fun just me and them as I can do it exactly as I want it and give them loads of attention and get really into it!! We’ve done trick or treating, hunted for sweets found the house in the dark, decorated, danced to spooky music.. they love it! Don’t rely on friends, just do your thing and your dc will love it!
Its nice having mum friends but sometimes it’s just doesn’t happen that way. As long as you have some friends and your dc are happy, I wouldn’t sweat it

I think this is a real issue - I have a friend who documents everything of her life on social media.

I sometimes have to remind myself that her life is exactly the same as mine in terms of socialising but I'm too busy enjoying it rather than taking photos. much like this poster I realised that when I literally bumped into her at soft play one day and then found myself tagged on her Facebook posts as if it had been a big organised thing. It wasn't, and had I been another friend in the group I can imagine I might have felt a bit left out for no reason.

I think this is more about your own insecurities OP, what are all these WhatsApp groups you are in where you have been added to a group but then don't get invited to stuff from therein?

Is your husband from London? I’m London born and bred - some of my neighbours are very close friends now, your DH is talking crap.

It can be hard getting your child’s social circle the way you’d like it, but keep trying, you’ll get there in the end.

Agreed.

You don't need his permission to do anything.