To be so upset about being left out?

[Jiminycrickets]

Son (12) was really excited to go trick or treating. One of his friend’s Mums started a group chat with the Mums of several kids who live locally, trying to drum up enthusiasm for a local group to head out, I responded enthusiastically, volunteered husband to take the group. Nobody else responded all day. Eventually my (close) friend (who is also a school Mum) responded with a strange cagey non-response. I ended up calling her and she ummed and ahhhed a while before admitting there was a party, that her son and all of the other kids nearby were invited to, with the exception of my son and his friend (whose Mum had started the group chat).

The other child was devastated, too devastated to go out with my son, due to the awkwardness of potentially running into the group, and the mother got angry and ended up blasting the party organiser.

There was no last minute invitation to join the party. My son was left with no one to go with. The party group (of 8 kids) then came and trick or treated MY HOUSE.

What the actual hell? What kind of parent excludes two out of ten kids?! How dare they treat my son like that and then come to take our sweets?!!

AIBU? This is just such an awful way to treat children and neighbours! How could they have not had room for two more to walk in a group?

Im also really feeling betrayed by my friend for not giving me a heads up, I feel embarrassed by my enthusiasm to be met by silence of the “chosen ones”. She should have told me because now I feel like an idiot. And so awkward!

The party organiser also briefly had a Facebook story but then it disappeared, I think she blocked me from the audience. All of the secrecy and weirdness makes me think they knew it would be hurtful.

I just feel sick to go out in my neighbourhood now.
And like I can’t even feel comfortable around my friend.

Is it an overreaction?

I disagree at twelve I was most certainly parenting and guiding my child to ensure they had remembered everyone, considered who was invited carefully. I would not just leave any child to it, this is how the problems begin.

At twelve they don't suddenly wake up socially mature and capable of handling the sometimes complex group dynamics. I still help my teen dds, because they are mindful to ensure no one is missed out of anything.

There is no way I would leave a group of 12 year olds wondering around the streets in the dark on halloween by themselves. It is usually the last year of T&T for most children, and we would always have a few parents around to check they were okay. They are still young. Totally standard here.

Packs of teenagers are not acceptable here, and frighten elderly neighbours. So parents are required.

You can have refined and robust boundaries and be able to manage your relationships without resorting to power play and exclusion

Power play and exclusion? JFC no wonder so many of you have children that don't get invited along to things. So bloody dramatic.

I have to say my children have never had this problem, because we spend time with people like us generally speaking. Inclusive.

I agree with some of the basic principles, but also it's impossible to include everyone all the time. Children are people too, and they'll naturally be more drawn to certain people than others.

Maybe the mum in this situation had put the upper limit at eight and wouldn't budge on it. No need to castigate the children as lacking empathy when you don't know how the group was decided on. Also, the OP's dc and friend might consider themselves part of the group of 10, but might it be the case that the other 8 have other friends as well and so the group could have been much bigger? Just because they started a WhatsApp group doesn't mean that it would have been a natural group.

Far better to have a more positive disposition and think of something fun to do with the two who were excluded. It's nice the OP's ds didn't mind too much, and that in a way indicates that it's best not to make too much of a fuss about these things - which happen so much going on the MN threads. Friendships and friendship groups are always shifting, particularly at this age and really - least said, soonest mended.

Not inviting friends in a friend group to a party or an event is excluding them.

As this post shows, parents have different views on this sort of thing.

I'm confident with the way that i'm bringing up my children - to treat others as they wish to be treated and engaging with empathetic behaviour - is allowing them to grow up WITHOUT any dramas in their friend ship groups. They are all kind and considerate to each other.

At 12 I was going TT by myself with my friends on our street.

Possibly the kids aren’t really good friends anymore and didn’t want to invite your son and the other kid. Happens to everyone at some point and yes, be pissed off for a hot minute and then move on. Set an example for your son and show him that people like this aren’t worth his energy.

Did the kid’s knock on your door with adults in tow?
If there were adults then that is really cruel and real toxic behaviour - I wouldn’t engage with them again. There’s a year maximum left of parent organised social stuff so don’t worry about it.
If it was just kid’s then obviously it’s still shitty but 12 year old kids get more of a pass cos they’re 12 and mean and go with the pack a lot of the time.

@Kissingfrogs25 lol you said that all the people who said the OP should not project her insecurities onto her unbothered child have guilty consciences and leave children out! I simply replied that you talk drivel, I'm not defending myself to you. I just think you are weak like the OP and types like you set your children up for misery.

Tell me where this all friendly environment you bring your children up in is? Utter crap. I live in a SE home county village and it is not all friendly and Pollyanna here either - far from it.

Teaching children resilience is a better than teaching them to crumble into a heap at the first sign of disappointment. You describe teaching kids to be resilient, as teaching them to be hard nosed kids lol. Get in the real world some people are empathetic and some people aren't. It's better to teach kids they realities of that and how to handle it.

My god, how completely over-dramatic. How do you know she didn't challenge her in the background? How do you know the boys mightn't have wanted the two that were excluded to join in because of some random unkind thing they'd said or done?

So you have never had an upper limit on how many children you invite to things? You've never had a sleepover or play date with just one friend? How strange and unusual.

I totally agree that you can't invite everyone to everything and my post wasn't necessarily responding to the OP's situation, but to people's attitude to this sort of thing in general (which i'm finding astonishing as none of my friends are like this and nor are my children's).

It DOES depend on the group, i totally agree and whether they are close friends.

However, if i was the arranging mother in this situation, then i would have invited the other 2 immediately. It was obvious that it would come out, it puts the other parents and children in an awkward situation and i couldn't bear to think about the other 2 being excluded.

But that's just me and how we have always been.

'm confident with the way that i'm bringing up my children - to treat others as they wish to be treated and engaging with empathetic behaviour

To me 'treating others as you would have them treat you' includes not getting upset when someone doesn't invite you to their party as sometimes you won't be able to invite everyone either and an issue shouldn't be made of it.

I have to say my children have never had this problem, because we spend time with people like us generally speaking. Inclusive

Your children only spend time with children of parents that are like you? How odd and exclusive.

I wonder if there's a divide between those who are happy to let the kids go off on their own and those who think they should be accompanied - and that volunteering your husband as a chaperone flagged you as being in the latter group. If some parents had already agreed to let the kids go on their own, they may have worried that it wouldn't work to include kids whose parents might not be okay with that. Eight is also already a big group, too. It could just have started with two or three, then others hearing about it and getting added in, but then the host said no more.

(Personally, I think that if they're too old to do it with an adult at least keeping an eye, then they're too old - mainly because if you draw the line there, it's less likely that they continue on into mid-teens, when it's all too easy for them to turn into an intimidating group who may be tempted to try the "trick" side of "trick or treat".)

Did you notice that i put the term 'friend group' or 'party or event'?

Of course we've had sleepovers with just one friend, but we mix it up and each child in the friend group has stayed over on their own at some point. Inviting 1 friend out of a group is entirely different to inviting all but 2 out of the a group. That would be unkind and uninclusive and my children would never choose to do that.

For example in my 12 year olds group there are 10 and i would never choose an event that only 8 could do. When we do Halloween parties, they all get invited. I would never, ever only invite 8 as that would be excluding the other 2.

I think we have different definitions of what 'treating others....' means.

Is your son actually friends with the boy hosting though? Just because they live near each other, doesn’t mean he sees you son as part of ‘a group’.

It sucks, but you can’t be invited to everything. Unless the group would normally hang out, YABU to expect the host mum to cater for two other kids last minute especially when it doesn’t really sound like they’re friends!

I think most people would end up including them, if only to avoid the WhatsApp awkwardness - as I said, maybe the other 8 don't see the 2 as naturally part of their group. But who knows what is going on in the background?

I think of my kids as empathetic and inclusive and I've raised them to be conscious of not hurting people's feelings - but even then, one mum at school was super frosty with me and it turned out that it was because I hadn't invited her dd to a party. Of 12 girls in the class, 7 had been invited and they were all kids my dd played with. She wasn't friendly with the one with the frosty mum but was friends with friends who had been invited - so I thought I'd invited her friendship group - turns out this other child had thought she should be included. Just telling this story to illustrate that this sort of stuff happens all the time and it's not always as obvious to everyone as we might think. Far better to move on swiftly and not get hung up on it.

But these 10 may not actually be a natural group

@AndyWarholsPiehole

I have to say my children have never had this problem, because we spend time with people like us generally speaking. Inclusive

Your children only spend time with children of parents that are like you? How odd and exclusive.

Quite Andy how odd and controlling. She still hasn't answered where this all friendly environment that she raises her kids in is 🤣!

Totally agree.

I've really got to get on with work, Mumsnet is too addictive!!!!

That is really shitty of the other mums. I'd be upset too. The silence is the worst bit.

You are totally right - it does depend on the group (in OP's example).

But if i was the organising mum, there is doubt that i would have invited the remaining 2.

We live in the south west, and it is pretty amazing actually. We had one or two parents that are insecure in the past, and we haven't paid too much attention to it, and certainly include their children in everything. They can do them, we will carry on doing us. Being inclusive regardless.

You sound defensive and angry and maybe that is your environment, I don't know. We have an ethos here of inclusivity, and everyone rubs along well. My dc are older now and have a huge set of friends at home, at school and now uni. Secure teens usually attract other secure teens, so it is self fulfilling. I assume it works the other way just as well.

In op's position I would let her it go, take the dc out for some fun or have a weekend party with both families and forget about it. The less said the soonest mended.

That is just horrible and mean. I'm so sorry, my heart breaks when I hear stories like this. Makes it worse that the grown ups are involved/organising. Rude and cruel.

Probably some kind of mix up. By 12 DDs were organising who they went trick or treating with though and mums were not involved!

I haven't worried about leaving anyone out from a party since we had whole class parties when DDs were 6. It's up to DDs who they invite.