To ask what age you believe it’s appropriate to drink

[MaryIlover]

I’ve seen quite a few threads on here lately in which it seems the prevailing view is that any drinking under the age of 18 is bad and should not be permitted or facilitated by parents. To be honest I don’t really find this marries up with my own experience. Personally I think it’s the norm or at least quite common to start having parties drinking with your friends at about year 10/11 so that would be around 14-16 and that feels about right. My worry with making my DC wait until 18 is that firstly it would cause resentment if they were being left out of all their friends and secondly by 18 most of her friends would be going out clubbing and much more used or alcohol and therefore DC would end up placing themselves in far more risky situations rather than being thrown in at the deep end. Personally I think 15/16 is about the right age (I was about 15 myself) but to condemn all ‘underage drinking’ just seems really out of touch and unrealistic. Aibu?

My parents introduced watered-down wine from about 11 or 12 I think. They were keen that we saw it as normal to sometimes have a drink with food.

Ds1 is 14 and has had a bottle of beer on odd occasions this year - New Year, family party, big summer BBQ. Actually I think at the BBQ he might have had 2.

Ds2 is 12 and has been allowed half a bottle/glass once or twice this year.

Ds3 is 5 and has had sips of various drinks in the past year and declared them all disgusting.

I don't see it as a big deal really.

I think 15 was when we started buying DS a bottle of cider or beer to have at the weekends. I wanted him to get to know how alcohol made him feel and what his limits were before he went out and found out in public.

My eldest was around 14 when I started letting her have one drink a night once a week. My 13 year old is much more mature and has started having one drink a night once a week with her friends either in my house or one of theirs. You don't need to be 18 to legally drink in a house you need to be 18 to purchase it and to be in an establishment like a club. My eldest has a good relationship with alcohol as a result. Both of them have never hid from me they are drinking as a result. Have never been out in the streets drinking or gotten wasted or anything like many of their friends have and do.

It is not illegal to have an alcoholic drink under the age of 18. People seem very confused about that.

It is illegal to buy alcohol if you are under 18; to sell alcohol to an under 18; to be sold alcohol in a licensed setting if you are under 18; for an adult to buy alcohol for an under 18.

It is, however, against the law to give under 5s alcohol.

So I think, with teenagers, it's all about conversation. What alcohol does; why people drink it; how to manage a healthy relationship with alcohol; the dangers of excessive drinking.

Then it's really about sensible access from when your teenager can engage in good decision making. Saying a hard no until they hit 18 is never a good idea - it can lead to destructive behaviours with alcohol when they're finally 'allowed' it.

Funnily enough, when we were in France over the summer, having a celebration meal at a lovely restaurant, the maitre d brought a glass of champagne for our 14 year old to have with the adults. They didn't seem worried. She quite enjoyed it! She will have the odd lager shandy now and then with a meal.

I started drinking at friend's houses at about 14/15. I would get tipsy but not drunk to the point of not knowing what I was doing. I knew my limits. Eldest is 14 and he has been having a low alcohol drink at special family gatherings for about the past year and a half, so about 12. He's never been drunk.

Ds is 15 and has one drink on special occasions at home (a small Baileys on Christmas Eve, half a pint of beer with his birthday sort of thing). He's not really a going to parties type and I don't want him going to uni and bingeing alcohol because it's been forbidden. Dd is 9 and if we have champagne for a toast on a special occasion she has a thimble full diluted with orange juice or lemonade and will have a tiny amount of Baileys diluted with milk or a bit of Advocaat diluted with lemonade at Christmas. This is how I was bought up and feels right for us

*with his birthday meal

My nearly 14 year old doesn’t seem interested. I keep saying ‘go on have a shandy’ but he doesn’t even like fizzy drinks. Very health conscious. So maybe this generation will be slightly different.

I had my first drink (half a cider) with my parents and about 13 at a wedding. They wanted me to see the effects of a small amount whilst they were there. They also allowed my friends over to have a drink from about 15 I think. They’d rather I do it under their roof than lie/hide it. I still got quite drunk though most Fridays.

I try and make it clear to my boys the ill effects of drink. That for example, drinking a bottle of vodka could kill you. I think keeping the conversation open is helpful.

My two were year 10/11. 16th birthday parties seem to be the time when lost parents allow drink, mine are both summer born so we're 15. DS1 stuck to cider initially. DS2 got very drunk on Vodka at 15 (bought by a friends older sister) He was very sick and made an idiot of himself and had to be picked up at 8pm. He was mortified and it served as a good lesson to him!

I don’t drink, neither does DH (well tell a lie he has a glass of champagne on new years) and am planning to hope our views on alcohol pass down to DC (as they will have positive role models at home and in the family) but I wouldn’t mind them drinking from 14/15, and I wouldn’t mind supplying alcohol for parties from 16 onwards.

I never drank as a teen, have never liked the taste, but then again I’m an extrovert who never needed a drink to get into the spirit (I’ll twerk on a table at 3 in the afternoon stone cold sober) and hope my kids are the same.

Now DS is 16 we'll buy the odd pack of Peroni for him to take to a party and when we were away on holiday last week both he and his 16 year old pal had a few beers and cocktails.

I don't mind him having a few drinks, but I'd rather he stayed away from spirits. Luckily he's quite into his sports so only drinks on nights out and doesn't want to wreck his training days.

It's a difficult line to tread. I feel it would be counterproductive and hypocritical to ban alcohol until he is 18, but equally I don't want to do too much to facilitate it. The reason we buy some beer for him to take to parties is so that hopefully he avoids the stronger stuff.

@PeachPies "I never drank as a teen, have never liked the taste, but then again I’m an extrovert who never needed a drink to get into the spirit (I’ll twerk on a table at 3 in the afternoon stone cold sober) and hope my kids are the same."

• what with the drinking or the twerking ?

Both! Although DD8 is already starting to become a challenger in the family twerk offs!

What @Eleusa says.

I'm currently totally fed up that a local parent has given my DC and friends alcohol over half term - lots of it - without my permission. Lots of lazy parenting happening locally where there is an attitude that 'they are good kids and are sensible' with no idea about what they are actually doing. I think as a parent I want to make decisions to guide my DC on what and how to drink and not have this made by other parents. Schools working with all the resulting safeguarding issues and complications from teen parties, I'm sure, could well do without it.

Kids in my family (European) are normally allowed a taste from very young, then their own small glass with a meal from about 10 ish. I'm not there yet with my own kids so we'll see but I do think it promotes a healthy relationship with alcohol, which is after all inescapable in our society.

As a mum of a 16 yr old, age 16 end of yr 11 has been age for her and her friends to start. They aren’t the cool crowd though.
Only a few parties so far but I do let her take some alcohol to drink (I’d rather know what she was drinking she takes those lo calorie 4% hard seltzers) and rather her be honest with me. I will pick them up drop and friends home etc. If I was a hard no on drinking she/they wouldn’t have a lift. I’d rather know she was safe rather than her sneaking around or worried about coming home as she had been drinking.
She’s legal to drink at a house party. Not all her friends drink some for personal choice some for religious reasons.

Then you should have got in there first

Its a bit silly to be annoyed about other parents managing alcohol the way they feel right in their own homes

Yeah, I think it's more than fine, probably a good idea even, to be offering a solitary, smallish, glass of beer or wine at say 13 or so.

In terms of getting smashed - I don't really like it full stop but I don't think it's a good idea for them to be doing it for the first time ever at university age. I think the start of sixth form is probably about the optimal time, accepting that many will do it younger.

I don’t drink at home eg wouldn’t have a bottle of wine so her opportunity to drink at home isn’t there. If we have friends over I’ll have a drink and wouldn’t say no if she asked but she doesn’t.
We don’t often eat out so ordering alcohol when out hasn’t come up so far.

I agree with you OP. Many of the posters on here saying they wouldn't allow their child to do it before 18 are quite naive to believe that their child wouldn't then go and do it behind their back whilst with their friends.

16+ was around the age my 2 girls actively became interested and asked to take alcohol to parties.

We had plenty of chat about alcohol, that other parents views may vary etc ... my dad died a raving alcoholic... not a "nice drunk", so they saw the downsides and are fairly sensible at uni.

I didn't offer alcohol to under 18s but did turn a blind eye to them having a drink at 16 eg at social occasions.

How old are they? From 16 I’d assume a party would involve some alcohol but I wouldn’t be impressed with parents laying on lots of bottles of spirits.

I didn't drink until I was 18, and neither did any of my friend group - well, other than the ones who were young for their year group and were still 17 when everyone else turned 18. Those ones started a little bit underage, but we're talking 6 months under the limit.

Every child is different. Personally, I wouldn't have wanted my parent facilitating me drinking when I was underage - it would have been pressure I didn't need. I never felt obliged to drink by my friends; it would have been horrible if my parents had made me feel like I had to.