Aibu to be angry about this - dd left out group/party

[Lago1]

So a bit of background, my daughter is a lovely, yet shy and reserved child, who has been dancing for a few years with a group of girls and has grown in confidence around them. One particular girl, she sees as a good friend and they share another hobby which they do weekly together. This morning at dancing she hears some of the others discussing a sleepover and asked in front of the mum if she can join and the mum says of course. She comes home excited and gets her things ready, then I received a text 15 minutes before I was due to drop her off saying I'm sorry dd doesn't want her to come. Now I know maybe she shouldn't have asked but it was nice to see her confidence and she would have not even considered that her friend didn't want her there and probably thought of it as an oversight. There were no excuses made, and not even any effort to try and protect her feelings in this all. I am so sad for her. Aibu to feel really pissed off?

This is awful for your dd but it's an opportunity to teach her to have some self respect. Avoid telling her exactly what to do. She's 12. She needs to learn to navigate these things for herself. However, I'd be really emphasising that you would understand if she was really upset at this 'friend' and that she has your blessing not to engage with her and suggest that it might be better to focus on other people. I would also be telling your dd that whereas she's free to stay friends with this girl you can't allow her to treat your dd like this so you won't be accomodating her at your house or for trips out etc until you're satisfied that she's going to actually treat your dd as a friend. I think to be fair this is probably equally awkward for the 'friend's' mum but I hope that she's teaching her daughter that what goes around comes around. It can be tough being this age but just support your dd and she'll find her people eventually x

I agree with @AltroVinoPerFavore

I feel for your DD. It's horrible to miss out / not be invited, but she shouldn't have invited herself. But, she's only 12 and I can understand she's still learning these things

My advice would be (1) empathise but don't escalate this to a bigger issue than it needs to be (2) do something else that day so she has the consolation of knowing she can say she wasn't available anyway

You are allowed to have other friends in life and do things without people sometimes. It’s not unkind.

I think the mother was caught on the hop by being asked. It's likely that plans had been made for food, games etc for the number of invited guests and an extra wasn't going to fit in easily.

No need to be angry. Your daughter has learned a valuable lesson about not being rude. I expect all will be friends next week.

Has your daughter been on sleepovers with this specific group before? Maybe she wasn't an enjoyable guest to have, and the other mum wasn't aware of this until after your daughter had asked to come.
Maybe she snores, maybe she's the one who wants everyone to stop chatting and lights off at 9pm, maybe she's just a bit weird and socially inept (given your description, yes) so the other girl wanted a night without her.
It's not a big deal, but you are making it into one.

YANBU

It's bad manners to talk about a group event around one person who's not invited.

Of course that would lead your 12-year-old DD to believe it's an inclusive event and she would be welcome.

Absolutely unacceptable and unforgivable to cancel one person's invitation 15 minutes before. It doesn't matter what the other girl felt about it - if it were my DD I would tell her too bad, you can pick the guest list another time but you absolutely cannot exclude someone at such short notice.

Hope your DD is ok x

It’s unkind to talk about these plans in front of a child not invited.

I work with kids this age and IME it's unusual for parents to have much, if any, involvement in their DC's friendships by 12. When I initially read your OP I thought we were talking about much younger DC.
No one has covered themselves in glory here. The girls were BU for discussing the sleepover in front of your DD (but 12 year olds aren't exactly known for their tact and discretion, so not unusual) and your DD was BU for inviting herself. The Sleepover girls DM was also BU for saying your DD could come, she should have realised her DD is too old for her to be able to dictate who she socialises with. But then again your DD really put her on the spot by inviting herself, so I'm not sure what I'd have done in her shoes. I imagine the DM was embarrassed having to text to day she couldn't come after all, but what is she supposed to do? Forcing a group of pre-teen girls to have a sleepover with someone they don't want to be with is not going to end well, there would likely be tears and unpleasantness before the night was over. YA

So there are lifts involved too.

I think the leaving it until the last minute is very poor.

I think giving the girls space is a good idea too.

Clearly this girl doesn't feel as friendly towards your daughter as she thought and her mother has the parenting authority she should, to insist your child was not left out.

If the lifts are shared 50/50 there is no reason not to continue them if it suits you, but knock any other invites on the head as you are wasting your time investing in the friendship.

If you are doing this woman and her child a favour I would re think the lifts.

They both are comfortable with THEIR boundaries in this situation, I think you need to establish some boundaries too.

Actively invest in the other friends your daughter has.

This is a hard lesson but it is a part of life finding out who your friends are and as she grows up she will have a lot more of it the coming years, so best to teach her to dust herself off and get back out there and invest in other friendships.

You don't have to invite all of your friends to everything, even your bestie. Also, though your D

It’s also rude to invite yourself along to things. They both made mistakes. They are 12, not adults.

There's a PP talking about forcing her kid to hang out with the other kid because it's the nice thing to do and IMO that teaches a horrible lesson. So many girls are brought up on a 'be kind' and 'be accommodating' mantra and unfortunately you see this manifesting in their later years where they will go on dates or send nudes etc to boys because they have been brought up to consider everyone else's feelings first.

Im pretty sure there were many people in the dance class not invited. How many other kids invited themselves?

It doesn't matter what the other girl felt about it - if it were my DD I would tell her too bad, you can pick the guest list another time but you absolutely cannot exclude someone at such short notice.

I'm torn on this. On the one hand I don't think I could bring myself to let a child down at 15 minutes notice either. But it also seems unfair on the girl having the sleepover, who may have valid reasons for not inviting OP's DD. OP's DD wasn't supposed to be there in the first place, so the only reason she was excluded at short notice is because she invited herself at short notice, and the girls DM

I agree.

The mother doesn't have the parenting authority she should which would be to tell her daughter that they shouldn't discuss something openly if you have excluded one person, and now that I have said she may come, she is!

Awfully unkind behaviour and I wouldn't want to doing anything oblidging for a child that was so set on excluding my child.

I would definitely encourage your daughter to cool the friendship and as you have said prioritise others.
I spent years encouraging my children never to leave people out and to think about others feelings but I have learnt that unfortunately not all parents do the same.
I actually can no longer make eye contact never mind say hello with one mum of a so called friend who continually did what has happened to OP’s daughter to mine. I wish I had intervened sooner. Thankfully my daughter has gone on and made a lovely and inclusive group of friends.

Your daughter shouldn’t have invited herself, it’s cheeky and you should teach her that we don’t do that, I’m currently teaching my 4 year old manners like this. The other mum shouldn’t have agreed but maybe felt put on the spot as she probably didn’t expect it from a 12 year old. Then the text afterwards didn’t need to say it’s because her daughter didn’t want your daughter to be there (even if it was the case) as that’s hurtful to you and your daughter and unkind. She probably should of just said “really sorry I didn’t feel able to say no to your daughter when she asked but is it ok if we do a sleepover or organise something with her another time, don’t really want to increase the numbers of kids at the sleepover this time” or something along those lines. You are not being unreasonable to be upset about the text, I would find the txt hurtful and I wouldn’t want my daughter to go after that anyway as there was no effort made to preserve your daughters feelings which comes across to me that they aren’t a particularly nice family.

Sorry posted too soon...and the girls DM went along with it. If I

Also be honest, if the mum had said no at the point your DD invited herself, would you have considered that to be horrible as well?

This mother couldn’t win. Whatever happened she was put on the spot. She absolutely shouldn’t have been forceing her dd to have a sleepover with a child she didn’t want because the child was rude and asked to sleep over.

Your DD is in the wrong here and needs to learn some manners.

And you are setting your dd up for a life of low self esteem if you insist on being honest with her and telling her that certain people don’t want her around. Talk about sticking the boot in.

It’s as if you want your dd to be upset. You had the power to be diplomatic but instead you chose to hurt her feelings.

She really shouldn’t have invited herself. The mum probably felt put on the spot, and she shouldn’t have agreed, but often people panic in the moment and people please with a yes, before fully engaging their brain.
I know it’s sad for your daughter to feel left out, but for whatever reason, this woman’s daughter invited the friends she wanted to an event. Its really unfair to invite yourself to along to something like this. I absolutely hate it when people invite themselves to things, if you don’t want them there (not even because you dislike them but for possibly many other reasons, eg you’re just not that close to them and want something to be close friends only), you either have to a) appear rude when you say no and respect your own boundary, or b)say yes to please someone else, and feel annoyed and crap about it, because you’ve agreed to something you didn’t want.

it could have been handled more sensitively but honestly, good on the mum for allowing her daughter to speak up and not agree to something she didn’t want. I’m sorry it has hurt your daughters feelings, and it would be nice if she had been invited, but she wasn’t. Inviting yourself to something is a recipe for disaster in my opinion.

But the other child is also 12 and we do not know why the daughter was not invited.

I will not teach my daughter her feelings are not valid and to put her needs last all under the guise of BeKind. I genuinely think it is one of the most dangerous phrases to use and live by if you are a girl.

I also wouldn't want my dd to go to a sleepover where she wasn't wanted just because I give the kids a lift.

Posted too soon - your daughter thinking this girl is her bestie, doesn't mean the other girl thinks she is her's. That's fine too. They are still friends. I imagine the uninvited was so late as mum has been having words with friend. She tried to do the right thing but failed. I also have sympathy with friend, who probably had things planned in detail. It's sad for your daughter, but she needs to recognise her own part in this. I wouldn't encourage bitterness or dropping friend, unless that's her own inclination. Dropping friends because they try to do something without you, isn't great.

I wonder , as a pp has said maybe it's not the 'sleepover girl' choice. I wonder if she was happy for her to be there and mentioned it to another who girl who doesn't want her there , and sleepover girl has then said no to her mum.
Firstly girls of this age can be bitchy with other. As a teacher I've seen groups systematically target one within the group and then move onto a different one, due to the choice/behaviour of 'queen bee' . Others in the group go along with it because they could be the one that is targetted .
Yes your daughter shouldn't have asked.
Yes the mum shouldn't have said yes and then backtrack on it, but it happened.
As you have I'd have a frank and open conversation with mine to talk about behaviour and friendships.
The mum has asked on the night 'why not' and been told just because not invited but as that mum I'd be discussing it later, no friends around to find out what was really going on - was it her daughter's choice or was a friend putting pressure on her.
I'm glad your daughter has other social groups and I really hope it's ok at dancing. I know some say 'oh they'll be best friends next week' but that doesn't mean that hurt simply disappears.
Some responses are so bloody cold but maybe that shouldn't shock me now.

How awful would it be for OP's dd to attend then the other sleepover attendees let her know in subtle ways she is not wanted. That is far worse than having an invitation withdrawn in the circumstances outlined here.

Lift sharing is decision of parents and if reciprocal, it doesn't mean any further obligation.

I guess the other mum supposed it would be ok to add yours, but than learnt that her DD feels differently. Maybe there was some back and forth, maybe the other girl wasn't feeling great about it, but took her some time to gather confidence to tell her mum that she really wanted this with her invitees. The situation didn't have any good solution than.