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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be angry about this - dd left out group/party

877 replies

Lago1 · 30/10/2022 01:15

So a bit of background, my daughter is a lovely, yet shy and reserved child, who has been dancing for a few years with a group of girls and has grown in confidence around them. One particular girl, she sees as a good friend and they share another hobby which they do weekly together. This morning at dancing she hears some of the others discussing a sleepover and asked in front of the mum if she can join and the mum says of course. She comes home excited and gets her things ready, then I received a text 15 minutes before I was due to drop her off saying I'm sorry dd doesn't want her to come. Now I know maybe she shouldn't have asked but it was nice to see her confidence and she would have not even considered that her friend didn't want her there and probably thought of it as an oversight. There were no excuses made, and not even any effort to try and protect her feelings in this all. I am so sad for her. Aibu to feel really pissed off?

OP posts:
mcmooberry · 30/10/2022 08:11

I am always so shocked by the responses on threads like this! I entirely understand why you are upset! I am mostly shocked by the mother tbh, in this situation I would (and have) insisted that the other child come, especially as your DD is an easy going child. Also, the other girls shouldn't have been discussing a sleepover in front of someone who wasn't invited, a very strict rule here. Definitely rise above it and see if anyone else is about today to do something with maybe?

IWishICouldDance · 30/10/2022 08:12

They are 12, your daughter invited herself to a sleepover when she unfortunately wasn't invited. As for lifts etc my parents gave a boy who lived near them and was in my sisters class a lift allover for years, my sister never liked him, but it was my parents helping his parents out, it had nothing to do with a friendship. Your dughter is 12 now so you can't micromanage relationships as you could when they were 5, if kids don't get on you can't force them to. Kids are very mean, doesn't make it right but they are allowed to decide their friends by 12.

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 30/10/2022 08:15

@MossGrowsFat

Im a mental health nurse - I could not agree more.

dottiedodah · 30/10/2022 08:16

Maybe another child was not keen on having DD there? It may have upset the dynamics .TBH girls of this age are fickle and will most likely be best buddies again and the other girl left out! Maybe worth a chat with DD? Just say to her that its maybe better to wait for an invite,rather than ask .The mum was in a tight spot and couldnt really say no could she .

Mistletow · 30/10/2022 08:17

This is the awkward stage with kids where you can't just invite the whole class like you would when they were 5. I had this with with son who didn't want to invite a boy je previously got on well with, I explained the repercussions if he really didn't want him to join in , this had happened before and they were back best buds afterwards. I explained how said boy would feel v left out as they've all a close friendship group and that nothing much had happened to warrant an exclusion , so he invited him and low and behold they are best buds again. If I had accepted his first decision it would have been very awkward. Hope your dd is OK poor pet it's hurtful

Minimalme · 30/10/2022 08:19

This happened recently to my niece.

My sister asked why and was given a garbled, unclear answer. The other 12 year old has been happily accepting invites from my niece for months before she was suddenly dismissed.

I would try and strengthen your dd and tell her her friend is flakey. Although it hurts, dd has done nothing wrong and will make other friends.

Encourage her to write this girl off. This is a good time to help her build good boundaries and self-assurance.

This happened to me a lot as a child. I was very easy going and nice and I wish someone had told me at the time that some people are just mean shits. Instead I thought it meant I was unlikable!

StClare101 · 30/10/2022 08:22

slashlover · 30/10/2022 07:41

The other child is not obligated to ask your DD to every sleepover/meetup she has. She allowed to see people without your DD being there.

Would you rather that the mother told your DD No in front of all the other kids and parents when your DD asked?

True, but the other child should not have been talking about the sleepover in front of kids not invited. It’s just plain mean. I’d be ashamed of my child if they did this. The mother reneging 15 minutes prior is beyond the pale.

Justmeandme19 · 30/10/2022 08:22

Her mother shouldn't have agreed it on her daughter's behalf. As she did then she should have told her daughter that your daughter is still coming.
This is all pretty mean but I suspect it's not meant to be. Regardless the other girls mum should be aware of how it makes your child feel, and how her agreeing to the sleep over with out checking it out with her daughter has impacted another child.

PumpkinDog · 30/10/2022 08:23

The children should know not to discuss social events in front of people not invited. It’s unkind.

JennyJungle · 30/10/2022 08:23

Your dd was really rude inviting herself. I would of told her off for that as you can’t just invite yourself to things. It’s bad manners.

I think you put the mum in a really difficult position but she could of text sooner to cancel instead of last minute.

fairywhale · 30/10/2022 08:24

Mean girl and mean mother. What I cruel thing to do. I would have made her include her friend

MNchickens · 30/10/2022 08:25

Oddly this is one of the rare cases on MN where EVERYONE is unreasonable

your DD for inviting herself (rude)

the girls mum for saying yes (stupid)

the other girl for talking about the party in front of your DD (also rude)

and you for moaning about your child’s hurt feelings when you’re the one who told her the full story (a bit silly)

Jewel7 · 30/10/2022 08:25

I completely understand why your daughter asked as they are her friends. The mum in question maybe didn’t think anything of saying yes. If I was in that situation I would have probably done the same. But maybe her daughter really didn’t want your daughter their. Girls at this age swap and change friends regularly. As horrible as it is maybe she thought it would be better if she didn’t come as she wouldn’t have been treated nicely once there. I hope she was really apologetic! I hope your daughter is ok. X

Anjelika · 30/10/2022 08:28

onlythreenow · 30/10/2022 04:35

I really can't believe how many on this thread seem to think this is okay behaviour!! If I had been the Mum of the other girl I would have just said tough luck, she is coming and you will just have to deal with it - we all have to do things we don't like now and again. I would also be pointing out that she and her friends were rude to talk about an event someone hadn't been invited to in front of that person.

If, and this wouldn't have happened, I had given into my DD's childish whims she would have been phoning your DD herself to explain. No wonder there are so many selfish young adults around these days with parents pandering to them.

I agree 100% with this! I too would have told my DD to suck it up and explain that her other friends bringing it up like that in front of the not-invited friend caused the situation.

I can't stand the way pre-teen/teenage girls get away with treating so called "friends" like this and I would not go along with my DD doing it on my watch. Fair enough we can't control what goes on when we are not there but we can when it comes to stuff in our own homes. I would have told my DD the entire sleepover was off rather than let her upset her friend like that by disinviting her.

RampantIvy · 30/10/2022 08:28

In my experience 12 year old girls can be pretty mean, and anyone on here who thinks you are being unreasonable have not experienced it.

Does the sleepover girl go to the same school?

diddl · 30/10/2022 08:28

fairywhale · 30/10/2022 08:24

Mean girl and mean mother. What I cruel thing to do. I would have made her include her friend

She isn't her friend though!

If she was the "friend" would have invited her to the sleepover as well as invited her to stuff in the past.

Why would you make her include someone who wasn't wanted there by her & possibly others?

BadNomad · 30/10/2022 08:28

It's clear your daughter is not aware of all the right "social etiquette", so would she know not to discuss things she does with her friend in front of the group? Is it possible the others are annoyed that only sleep-over girl gets invited to things or are annoyed that they get to hear about it, so they made a point this time of talking about it in front of her and not inviting her?

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 30/10/2022 08:29

SwapPlaces · 30/10/2022 02:07

I imagine it was left until the last minute to let you know because she spent all the intervening time desperately trying to persuade her daughter to let your daughter come. And finally when it was clear her daughter wasn’t going to relent she contacted you.

It’s an awful situation, horrible for you and your daughter. And I’m sure horrible for the other girl’s mum too but if her daughter was insistant, for what ever reason, she didn’t want your daughter there, then I think she probably had to respect that.

I though I know it won’t make up for it I hope you and your daughter can do something nice together. It heartbreaking and I am sorry.

This is what I don't get: children ruling the roost.

The mother runs the household and should have told her daughter "X is invited. Either make the best of it or the whole sleepover is off; your choice."

Obviously LW's daughter should not have invited herself, no matter how friendly she is with the group. Very bad manners. But having agreed, friend's mum should have carried through.

Carolenarua · 30/10/2022 08:31

For those of you who said you'd make your child have the girl who she didn't ask/ want come to their sleepover, how do you think that girl will be treated if she comes? The other girls don't want her there and even if they aren't overtly mean, it will be picked up on. Better the girl knows. Would you want to go somewhere where you're not wanted, I certainly wouldn't. It's tough but as you say, good to know how fickle that friendship is and move away from it.

MossGrowsFat · 30/10/2022 08:32

Thurst · 30/10/2022 07:24

I think some of these responses highlight why some kids are so entitled and don’t seem to consider others feelings as important. There are millions of situations in life where you have to accept different people. She doesn’t hate the OPs DD she just would prefer to have the others to herself and the mum is allowing her daughter to behave in a very mean and cruel way. Maybe the OPs DD shouldn’t have invited herself but once you’ve said yes you can’t change your mind.

No one knows that. We have one side. Maybe OPs daughter is bullying the sleepover kid, the OP is quick to want to withdraw lifts because her daughter didn't get invited and the DD was rude enough to ask to come over, so we only have OPs word that 'she gets on with everyone'

And as for you are a team you have to do everything together that is just rubbish., I bet the whole dance class wasn't invited.

fairywhale · 30/10/2022 08:32

The preoccupation on this thread with a 12 year old making a faux pas is unreal. And saying it's okay to exclude the child. How sad that so many people would willingly be happy to be so unkind to someone.

SequoiaTree · 30/10/2022 08:33

StClare101 · 30/10/2022 08:22

True, but the other child should not have been talking about the sleepover in front of kids not invited. It’s just plain mean. I’d be ashamed of my child if they did this. The mother reneging 15 minutes prior is beyond the pale.

Show quote history

I agree. Hopefully this is a lesson to the girl about why you don't talk about an event in front of a friend you haven't invited. Hopefully the mum has spoken to her about not doing this too.

diddl · 30/10/2022 08:33

The mother runs the household and should have told her daughter "X is invited. Either make the best of it or the whole sleepover is off; your choice."

In which case X should have been invited in the first place.

The mother made the mistake saying yes-not her daughter.

MayThe4th · 30/10/2022 08:34

The delivery of the message was a bit harsh, but the friend did nothing wrong in not inviting your daughter.

People are allowed to do things which don’t include certain friends, just because she and your dd are friends doesn’t mean your DD has to be included in everything this girl does.

The girl was well within her rights to invite a few friends to a sleepover which didn’t have to include DD. Your DD was rude to invite herself along, and the mum was wrong to agree but I suspect she was put in a difficult position.

And you were wrong to tell her that her friend didn’t want her there. There are better ways to say that.

But they’re 12 now, you need to stay out of their friendships.

AltroVinoPerFavore · 30/10/2022 08:34

All the people saying the host should have told her daughter that OP's child had to be there and suck it up - no way would I want my child going on a sleepover with other 12 year old girls who didn't really want her there. That's a lions den. They might have been told to be polite and welcoming but girls can be mean and she'd be left out for sure. Much better to rip the plaster off and tell her that you're not invited this time.

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