Aibu to be angry about this - dd left out group/party

[Lago1]

So a bit of background, my daughter is a lovely, yet shy and reserved child, who has been dancing for a few years with a group of girls and has grown in confidence around them. One particular girl, she sees as a good friend and they share another hobby which they do weekly together. This morning at dancing she hears some of the others discussing a sleepover and asked in front of the mum if she can join and the mum says of course. She comes home excited and gets her things ready, then I received a text 15 minutes before I was due to drop her off saying I'm sorry dd doesn't want her to come. Now I know maybe she shouldn't have asked but it was nice to see her confidence and she would have not even considered that her friend didn't want her there and probably thought of it as an oversight. There were no excuses made, and not even any effort to try and protect her feelings in this all. I am so sad for her. Aibu to feel really pissed off?

^I just think if roles were reversed I would speak to my dd about why, and explain how friendships should be permanent not just as and when it suits, and try and encourage her to be welcoming as I wouldn't have it in be to uninvite a 12 year old 15 mins before they were due to arrive.*

No friendship is permanent, especially not at 12, friendships are fluid.

I have two DD’s and when they hit high school they have a variety of friendships, some for sleep overs, others they walked to school with, some they got on well with bit never met outside school.

Thats just how friends are.

I really feel for your dd, and I really feel for you having to help her navigate her feelings on this. I think you should probably stop giving this girl lifts etc to the activity and encourage your daughter in making other friendships and park this one for a while.

I agree with this, but Mumsnet is the place where no one should ever have to think of anyone else, so it's showing on this thread. The girl sounds like a bully, if they get along well there's no logical reason why she would want to exclude her other than a power play. Your poor DD.

The gaslighting on here explains why some kids are such bitches... Yes it was a bit socially awkward of her to invite herself but this is obviously somebody she regards as a friend so it damned well is hurtful and rude not only to not invite her but to discuss it in front of her. It's ok not to like everyone and even not to include everyone but people are talking like it's ok for girls to systematically exclude other girls and recruit other girls to exclude them too. This is absolutely not ok and the 'friend' and her minions are definitely at fault in this sense

Sounds like the girls are doing a power play by trying to exclude her. She won't have done anything wrong to 'deserve' it- it's probably that she's the weakest member and girls like this will use that to make themselves feel big and clever. The fact the mum would facilitate that is very poor form. I would discourage this friendship.

Yes I'm trying to imagine the other mother PoV if posting here.

"DD had invited a couple of friends for a sleep over tonight and another girl she knows was listening in to the conversation. She waited until I was there and then asked me if she could come to. At the time I assumed DD had wanted her to come, not that she was inviting herself and so I said "of course" whilst trying to get everything packed up in the car.

DD was a bit quiet on the way home and eventually it came out that they had never invited this other girl, and whilst they like her well enough they don't want her along to everything they do . Also there is tension between this girl and DD's other friend.

I had to make the awkward excuses - my fault for saying yes when the girl caught me on the hop. However should I speak to this girl's mum about her daughter inviting herself to other peoples activities?"

That said, I wouldn't overthink it either. Teach DD not to invite herself to other peoples activities and encourage her to broaden her range of friends and be less dependent on a child who does not feel the same way. We cannot force friendship, only offer it.

I have a 12 year old. I've made the mistake of making her invite everyone, so she didn't leave anyone out. Big mistake, they end up arguing and not enjoying themselves. Now I listen, she only invites who she wants to. Its like inviting all the mums, from dance. Youre not going to gel with them all. It's okay to only invite a few of them. Your daughter's 12, so tell her not to invite herself but to remember it, and don't invite them back either. I know it's hurtful, but it's life and it happens to us all. Best way of dealing with it is to ignore it and plan your own events.

I just asked my 12-year-old her opinion and she said "this girl is not a real friend" and "bear rude" (her words 😬). I would drop this "friend" and stop giving lifts. Don't give a reason.

And the daughter can get a lesson in supporting her mother in an awkward situation. Family is a two-way street.

Did you tell your 12 year old that the girl had invited herself to someone else's sleepover? That there was no invitation to rescind?

i am so sorry your daughter is upset. I’m not sure you can be angry though

Yes the mum didn’t handle this well. but, your daughter should know at 12 that is it rude to invite yourself to a party.

I do think there are lessons here for her. She will find the teen years really difficult if she repeats this. Teen girls are horrible unfortunately.

while not excusing the mother’s behaviour you do need to explain that she should invite herself along to parties. I had a friend who did this - I used to dread the ‘can I come’ and it took me a few years to be able to say no to her. Others were taken aback and as a result there were some awkward social events were she would think she would be at intimate family events and no one knew why!

Navigating friendship groups is always tricky. It’s not nice for your DD not to be included. Saying that, I would be saying to her you want to be invited because they wanted you there, not because you asked. Discuss the need for not being second best or a back up for anyone. Let her arrange a sleepover or meet up and she gets to choose who she wants. That is life and we aren’t all included all of the time. It’s not nice to watch as a parent, but moving forward is a valuable life lesson. There will be plenty more opportunities, try not to dwell on this one.

I'm talking about an adult woman being cruel to a child and so many people supporting it.
The kids shouldn't have been talking about it in front of the excluded girl, even pre-school kids know not to do it. It's mean. Nothing wrong with a 12 year old asking her "friends" whether she could come.
Also, okay, teach your kid then that other people don't matter. That will do them well in life. Unkind, abusive, bullying people attract other dysfunctional unkind, abusive, bullying people.
May be focus on promoting boys being kind and supportive and considerate rather than trying to erase kindness out of your daughter.

You have a wise child!! One of the hardest lessons as a pre-teen who is shy and finds making friends hard is learning when and how to let go of a 'friend' and knowing their own worth and how they would like to be treated. All this just smacks of cliche mean girls and I'd be encouraging DD not to play into it and drop them. I'd also be stopping those lifts too.

I've just seen your update. I'd end the lifts to the other hobby. I'd say, I'm sorry it's just too awkward between them.

Wow didn't expect so many responses, maybe I didn't handle it perfectly by telling her the exact truth, it was a call that had to be made really quickly. She eneded up spending the evening playing roblox with school friends (no dd and the other girl don't go to school together, a lot of the other girls going to sleepover do, but there were others exclusively from dancing, but no not everyone), and I did remind her she has lots of other friends that love spending time together. I asked if she was upset later and she said a bit, she understands she shouldn't of asked, but also can't imagine specifically not wanting a specific friend not to come. It's not just the not being invited, it's that for whatever reason the other girl really did not want her there (obviously haven't put emphasis on this to dd). She would be mortified if she knew I was texting a friends mum saying she doesn't want her friend to come, she would know if would make her friend sad.
I just think there is a time and place for a white lie, even an apologetic message saying it was an oversight, too many people ect would have been easier to deal with / explain to dd.
I hope she cools of the friendship and hope she doesn't 'try harder' to fit in, but these are decisions she needs to make about how to proceed now.

But we already know this as she does things with Op's daughter when asked but doesn't ask her back.

It shouldn't have come as a surprise that she wasn't invited.

It’s shitty for your kid but sometimes that’s just the way it is. My DS is 12 and this happens, it’s not just girls.
the other girls may have just had it all planned out without your DD.
juts explain that to your DD - not everyone gets to go to everything.
and good for the mum in being straight with you - she wasn’t hurting your DD feelings as she was talking to YOU not the kid.
I do hope the other kids mum told her not to chat about something like that again in front of someone not invited though- never too early to learn some diplomacy…

Not sure that the other mother can be blamed for not sugaring the pill when you didn't either.

‘I just think there is a time and place for a white lie, even an apologetic message saying it was an oversight, too many people ect would have been easier to deal with / explain to dd.’

well then YOU tell the white lie to your kid. I’m surprised an adult is expecting another adult to lie to them…

There’s lots of reasons at 12 someone might not be invited sadly - not seen as cool, different maturity levels such as not into talking about boys yet, more of a loner, is only friends with one of the group etc etc. if I was the other mum I would have stuck with the invite and spoken to my DD about being inclusive but next time def have asked my DD first before saying yes. It’s the withdrawing the offer that’s the tricky thing here. As others have said, it’s also a hard but common lesson than friendships can and do change. Encourage her to have her own sleepover soon.

The gaslighting on here explains why some kids are such bitches... Yes it was a bit socially awkward of her to invite herself but this is obviously somebody she regards as a friend so it damned well is hurtful and rude not only to not invite her but to discuss it in front of her. It's ok not to like everyone and even not to include everyone but people are talking like it's ok for girls to systematically exclude other girls and recruit other girls to exclude them too. This is absolutely not ok and the 'friend' and her minions are definitely at fault in this sense

Why is it gaslighting to discuss who was in the wrong? 12 year old girls are still discovering who they are and what they like, they mature at different rates, some massively into boys or makeup, fashion, others still keen to play sports or play with dolls! None are wrong.

Ultimately both mothers were out in awkward positions, at 12 I wasn’t involved in either DDs friendships and don’t know the mothers, they invited the people they wanted over and I didn’t get involved at all! They have to find their own way and figure it out with maybe some guidance.
I was very much of the feeling that you invite those who’s company you enjoy and I certainly learnt via their junior school that ‘not everyone is your friend, girls can be awful and quite frankly pick your friends carefully.

Your daughter going and then the girls being funny with her all night isn't better tho. Sure you can make her let the girl who invited herself come along and you can remind them to be nice etc but your daughter would have felt it and then either would have had to stuck it out or be rescued by Mommy.

I didnt want to make an excuse that my daughter later found out to be a lie. If it had been 'sugar coated' from the other mum, presumably she would have also had the conversation with her child about letting people down gently. Her blunt response, I would imagine means her child has the go ahead to bluntly tell my child that she simply did just not want her to go.

I have girl / boy twins and the differences between the sexes in terms of social codes is extraordinary. With my son it seems to be if the boys stand near each other - bang they are all in the same social group. With girls there is this complex social code of how to get into groups and stay there and then the exiting in prep for the next group - all with enormous amounts of drama and emotions.
Unfort you are at the beginning of several years of this sort of stuff. My advice to you is to get your daughter as wider social group of friends in different pockets as possible. That way it mitigates the hurt when this happens.
yes your daughter perhaps should have known better than to ask - but she is 12 and learning. The mum was clearly taken back and also made a mistake - but as an adult she should have rectified that immediately after she had spoken to her daughter. Remembering though that the other girl is also 12 and that mum and daughter are on a learning curve too. The mum might have assumed it was ok from past experiences that are now not relevant since her daughter is a pre-teen. They might have been discussing this for hours and unfort agreed the way forward late in the day.
Please also google inattentive adhd and see if this applies to your daughter. It’s under diagnosed in girls. I suggest it because of how you have described your daughter and also one of the traits is missing social queues which means the girls struggle with some social situations.