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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be angry about this - dd left out group/party

877 replies

Lago1 · 30/10/2022 01:15

So a bit of background, my daughter is a lovely, yet shy and reserved child, who has been dancing for a few years with a group of girls and has grown in confidence around them. One particular girl, she sees as a good friend and they share another hobby which they do weekly together. This morning at dancing she hears some of the others discussing a sleepover and asked in front of the mum if she can join and the mum says of course. She comes home excited and gets her things ready, then I received a text 15 minutes before I was due to drop her off saying I'm sorry dd doesn't want her to come. Now I know maybe she shouldn't have asked but it was nice to see her confidence and she would have not even considered that her friend didn't want her there and probably thought of it as an oversight. There were no excuses made, and not even any effort to try and protect her feelings in this all. I am so sad for her. Aibu to feel really pissed off?

OP posts:
cairnsarethebest · 30/10/2022 07:49

How long was the gap between her inviting herself and the sleepover?

I'm really sorry but it was incredibly rude that she invited herself and not something I would have left any of mine do.

Perhaps her dd doesn't consider your dd as good a friend as your dd does her and it will change the whole dynamic of the group?

HikingforScenery · 30/10/2022 07:50

OP, your DD has been treated terribly. If she had so long to let her know, it’s really poor form to leave it so late.

It’s your turn to teach your DD some more lessons. As you say, she shouldn’t have asked so reiterate this to her when she’s not so hurt.
Also, stop giving the girl lifts. Don’t continue.

They can still be friendly and have a lovely relationship at the classes but she’s not really your DD’s friend.

I’d have taken DD out for a treat to turn this experience positive.

HikingforScenery · 30/10/2022 07:52

StrongCoffeeAvalanche · 30/10/2022 07:46

I know this isn't directed at me, but the situation im describing is different as the other girl is happy to accept invites from mine and accept lifts to another shared hobby - if your happy to do those things it seems a bit unfair to have such a strong desire to not reciprocate, and do something you know will hurt your friend.

I would stop offering the lifts and invites immediately. Your daughter can focus on her other friendships now. That's all you really can do. Unfortunately this is something that will likely happen again at some point in life. It's horrid, but these girls clearly were not her friends, at least not in the way she thought.

Agree 100% with this

Hudsonriver · 30/10/2022 07:54

CJsGoldfish · 30/10/2022 03:36

OP, your dd wasn't invited. She tried to insert herself into a situation that she wasn't a part of.

I'm one to always think about other people's feelings, so maybe I need to learn to prioritise my own children's feelings like the other mum clearly has and not try to always be so accommodating to making sure others aren't hurt
Obviously you are way nicer than everyone else. Is that what you are saying? You prioritised yours, she prioritised hers but somehow you frame it as if she is the 'bad' one. Such PA bullshit. 🤷‍♀️

Totally agree with this!
The DD is a shy, retiring , lovely girl (!)who barges in and invites herself to other people's events.
Well she needs to be told that it's inappropriate behaviour and actually the other girl has every right to choose who she has over.

Inviting yourself and then blaming the other DD/ family is very PA and rude.

Mary80 · 30/10/2022 07:54

XelaM · 30/10/2022 01:01

This. I have a very opinionated 12-year-old who didn't like a particular girl in her school who was desperate to be friends with my daughter and there were occasions where I forced her to meet up with this girl because I felt so bad for that poor girl. This would have been an occasion where I would have told my daughter that she simply couldn't disinvite her friend 15 mins before the sleepover. No ifs or buts. Anyone who thinks it's ok to do this to a child (or adult) is awful in my view.

OP - I completely feel for you and I would encourage your daughter to make other friends. This girl (and her mother) are not nice.

Show quote history

I agree. Kindness is a choice.& Being excluded activates the same part of the brain as physical pain does. It hurts… they’re only children. Texting last min is awful..
being excited amongst friends and assuming you’d be welcome is innocent..

HTH1 · 30/10/2022 07:54

Lago1 · 30/10/2022 02:08

I know this isn't directed at me, but the situation im describing is different as the other girl is happy to accept invites from mine and accept lifts to another shared hobby - if your happy to do those things it seems a bit unfair to have such a strong desire to not reciprocate, and do something you know will hurt your friend.

I would not be giving any more lifts or (at least until they had made up) inviting said child to anything held by my DD, in your shoes.

cairnsarethebest · 30/10/2022 07:55

I agree @Hudsonriver

The dd wasn't left out. She was never invited in the first place and tried to push her way in. And it backfired. 🤷🏼‍♀️

MrsWhites · 30/10/2022 07:56

Can’t believe some of the responses on here, who accepts lifts for their child to a shared hobby and then thinks it’s ok to not invite (and actually proactively point out that her kid doesn’t want her there) this child.

Both mum and daughter have shown their true colours, not a chance would I be encouraging them to be ‘best buddies’ again next week, she certainly wouldn’t be getting any lifts to shared hobby again either!

cairnsarethebest · 30/10/2022 07:57

I used to give all sorts of kids all sorts of lifts to all sorts of activities.

It didn't mean my kids wanted them at a sleepover.

Autumflower · 30/10/2022 07:57

That’s girls for you
my dd also is the sweetest girl
her friends moved her of their prom table to make way for someone else.
she ended up on a prom table with people she didn’t know
they all bought each other birthday presents to school every year ,each of them would be walking round with balloons and gift bags ,my dd always bought them gifts ..they never once remembered her birthday .
some girls are just nasty bitches sadly ,and they don’t change as they get older .
finally at 25 my dd has realised these women are not her friends.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 30/10/2022 07:59

Im sorry but your dd was extremely rude, especially at her age, She put the other mum on the spot.

I would be angry in your shoes too, angry that my child was so rude and tbh if I had witnessed that behavour I wouldnt haver said 'yes you can go' and got her stuff ready, I would have got her home told her no way she was going down to her rudeness and contacted the other mum to apologise.

WhatNoRaisins · 30/10/2022 08:00

This is the age where you can't choose their friends but they still need a lot of guidance on navigating relationships. I'd talk about the etiquette of not inviting yourself but also why you don't talk about events in front of people not invited. I'd also talk about priorities and how sometimes you're not a priority to another person and how to handle that.

Hopefully it's all a good learning experience

Autumflower · 30/10/2022 08:00

If your giving this girl lifts to other activities
I would say now is the time to stop

Summerfun54321 · 30/10/2022 08:02

It’s really shit but you don’t have control over other people, you only have control over how you and your DD react to the situation and what you do to make DD feel better. I actually think DD didn’t do anything wrong by asking and effectively calling her friend out on her not being invited. I’d rather have a DD like that than a doormat.

SaySomethingMan · 30/10/2022 08:03

Hudsonriver · 30/10/2022 07:54

Totally agree with this!
The DD is a shy, retiring , lovely girl (!)who barges in and invites herself to other people's events.
Well she needs to be told that it's inappropriate behaviour and actually the other girl has every right to choose who she has over.

Inviting yourself and then blaming the other DD/ family is very PA and rude.

Show quote history

She doesn’t invite herself to other “people’s events”. It’s happened once. She asked if she could attend. She didn’t turn up at the door after hearing the discussions, did she? Invite herself, did she?

OP has said over and again that DD shouldn’t have asked. She’s learned her lesson now.

Mary80 · 30/10/2022 08:03

Kanaloa · 30/10/2022 02:11

However, you also don’t need to be a doormat - if this child’s mother is using you for lifts and letting her child enjoy treats and visits to your home then the girl doesn’t really like your daughter enough to reciprocate then they aren’t friends. And I don’t invite kids who aren’t friends with mine to play at our house. I don’t offer lifts to random children who aren’t even my kids’ friends. So you don’t need to do these things.

I agree

BadNomad · 30/10/2022 08:04

I don't think people should be encouraging the OP to end the friendship, not if her daughter wants to keep dancing with that group. If she makes an obvious enemy of that girl, she's going to end up completely isolated and alienated. It would be better to teach her to rise above it, cool the friendship but stay civil, prioritise other friends and not waste any more time dwelling on this.

MNchickens · 30/10/2022 08:06

YABU

i also find it odd how on the one hand you say you have no idea why your so laid back DD wouldn’t be invited but on the other admit she struggles opening up, and she has, in this instance demonstrated an inability to understand social norms.

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 30/10/2022 08:06

The other child may well have carefully planned her sleepover and didn't like the last minute change.

BadNomad · 30/10/2022 08:06

I also wonder if the other mum thought maybe the OP would talk to her daughter once home about her "rude" behaviour in asking then pull out of the sleepover, but when it became obvious she wasn't going to she had to text herself.

cairnsarethebest · 30/10/2022 08:06

Asking in that situation put the mother on the spot. It wasn't appropriate.

I'd have thought at 12, in the absence of any SN, that she would know that.

StrataZon · 30/10/2022 08:07

I agree with others that maybe some other girl didn’t want her there and the sleepover girl might be pandering to a ‘popular’ girl.

This^
It's so common with girls this age, I've been through this with my girls. Someone may be trying to muscle in on the friendship and complained about your DD now coming.

This situation will get more common with changing friendships through the teenage years so it's important your DD understands this and picks up on social cues.

Those girls should have known not to discuss it in front of someone not invited, they were unkind.
The other mum was likely put on the spot and then had to deal with a distraught daughter as she was having to deal with the other girls moaning and threatening to pull out. But tbh I'm surprised the mum has got to this stage without having a stock phrase lined up, as younger children invite themselves to things regularly. I just used to smile sweetly and say "sorry we don't have room today but we'll get you round to play soon."

Mary80 · 30/10/2022 08:07

TheWayTheLightFalls · 30/10/2022 01:20

She’ll have learnt now not to invite herself to things. It doesn’t matter why she wasn’t invited, and it may not be a reflection on their friendship - the other girl is allowed other friends! I’m sorry she’s been hurt but I think I’d be downplaying things really. If their relationship is otherwise fine i’d leave it.

I wouldn’t. I’d teach my daughter to not invite herself to things. I’d also discuss reciprocity.
loving anyone, friend, partner takes attention, time, effort. It has to be mutual

itsgettingweird · 30/10/2022 08:08

PearsInASalad · 30/10/2022 01:07

If they get on well and there's been no fallout then could it be the other girls who don't want your DD there? Maybe DD's friend is just pandering to a queen bee type or trying to get in with a more popular group?

Either way she's a shit friend.

This what's what I was wondering.

And agree that her friend needs to learn that she also needs to make a choice. Your dd isn't going to be the spare convenient friend when the others don't want her around.

JennyJenny8675309 · 30/10/2022 08:08

Reading this thread reminds me of the pain of growing up surrounded by so many mean girls. Apparently the group bullying mentality is still going strong. I have zero tolerance for it and would never have allowed my own girls (who were both very confident and popular unlike their awkward mum) to treat others in this way.