Aibu to be angry about this - dd left out group/party

[Lago1]

So a bit of background, my daughter is a lovely, yet shy and reserved child, who has been dancing for a few years with a group of girls and has grown in confidence around them. One particular girl, she sees as a good friend and they share another hobby which they do weekly together. This morning at dancing she hears some of the others discussing a sleepover and asked in front of the mum if she can join and the mum says of course. She comes home excited and gets her things ready, then I received a text 15 minutes before I was due to drop her off saying I'm sorry dd doesn't want her to come. Now I know maybe she shouldn't have asked but it was nice to see her confidence and she would have not even considered that her friend didn't want her there and probably thought of it as an oversight. There were no excuses made, and not even any effort to try and protect her feelings in this all. I am so sad for her. Aibu to feel really pissed off?

Well we had a great time, mainly because dd went with her best friend and we stayed out of the cliques! By the time they got to 13 it was open warfare in the groups and a hierarchy of the most precocious war gaming girls you are ever likely to meet.

Best advice: Go and enjoying dancing, come home and don't get involved in anything else. Count down until they take up horseriding! 😂

Obviously she's been upset before about this and not wanted to tell me? Or could it be that she was only mildly bothered so didn't want to make a song and dance over it

It could be as simple as not wanting to be the cause of the lifts ending.

Maybe she felt pressured into saying nothing for that reason?

From your posts it does come across to me that you expect kids to be included last minute if they ask & that they should put up with stuff rather than upset others.

Has this been coming across to your daughter to her detriment?

I'd be worried it's because of the "be kind" mantra tbh. She might not want to say anything because it's "mean" to tell tales, or because she thinks she being kind by not getting the girl in to trouble, or because she's not comfortable with expressing her unhappiness about situations in case it upsets other people i.e. you, the girl, the girl's mother etc.

You reaaaally need to teach her it's ok to put her own feelings first. Or else she's going to end up in a lot of situations she doesn't know how to get out of because they're impossible to get out of without upsetting other people.

Very good points made here all absolutely true I think! Except the bit about marriage being more binding!

I hope not, I think the situations are slightly different -although I would not encourage her to let a friend down 15 minutes before coming even if they were a bit wrong for asking in the first place, I would never encourage her to accept someone deliberately doing something she doesn't like even after she's asked them to stop.
To be honest I do struggle with overthinking and worry about offending people, but I'm aware of that and try not to let it show (which is why I'm quite surprised I challenged the other mums excuse over text - even though some on you think it was wrong to do).

I've never said it was a friend that I would chose for my dd but if she's friends with someone I'm not going to stop it because I think she is a but of a chav.

my dd is quiet and she is loud (chav is probably the wrong word for a child, but as its an anonymous forum, it's not actually going to upset anyone by using it).

Why are you repeatedly calling the girl a chav? I defended you earlier about the ‘bitchy’ comment but I regret that now and I agree with @DearOohDear , the whole thread is very strange.

Yes my favourite response is the one pointing out that it’s another child weighing in. I’m sure this is what’s happened and why the short notice from Mum who was trying to unravel the situation. It would explain her reticence as she wouldn’t have wanted to name other child. It’s made me think again about the 15 years ago situation my own dd went through and considered from another light. So thanks for the post!

OP, you clearly don’t like this other family and think you are above them in both ethics and class given your “I wouldn’t dream of…” responses and classist slur. This attitude would not escape the children’s attention.

You mentioned there were other girls in the class that also weren’t invited to the sleepover (although the important context of number of invitees, and the timings of the invite and arrival has still been avoided), your daughter may find closer friendships with them.

@Fancylike I don't know the timings and exact numbers- but no it wasn't every one but most if not all of the ones my dd sees as her friendships group amongst them.

Op you started off calling the other child a nice kid and laid back. Now you're calling her a chav. How awful. That speaks volumes about what you really think here and how you look at others.

You compare your dds friends to adults and expect them to be mature and know right from wrong yet your dd is 'only 12' and a child.

You say that you appreciate everyone's opinion on this but cannot open your mind to look at it from the other side and what the other mother may have had to deal with from your dd inviting herself.

I feel for your dd however but hopefully this will be a lesson learnt for you. You cannot expect her to go by in life being liked by everyone, included in everything. Life doesn't work like that. More importantly, you cannot expect all her friends to be at the same maturity level....and then refer to one of her friends as a 'chav' yourself.

Well now that you have found out about the car rides & your daughter asking the other girl to stop saying certain things, it's probable that it was the girl herself who didn't want her there.

The mum accepting & not cancelling until 15mins before may be because she wanted to keep the "friendship"/lifts going.

I don't think I ever said the other girl was nice and laid back - you could see I was hesitant to use the the word chav, but I was struggling to find another word. Obviously my opinion has changed as more has come to light about how she has been treating my daughter, since my original post.

@Fancylike there have been a few comments that make me wonder if the OP has that attitude too. And then the "banter" that the child doesn't like. If banter is code for bullying then obviously that's horrible and it's great she wasn't at the party and if it is just banter and OP's DD is saying she doesn't like it that would be a buzzkill on a sleepover.

You don’t know the time of the dance class conversation, and the start time of the sleepover? On the same Saturday, right?

Given that the majority of girls go to another school and there could be non-dance friends invited, it seems like the common link is more school friends than dance class.

You used the term 'easy going'. My mistake but same thing.

You say how this girl has treated your daughter. Can you elaborate? As you write how the some of the other girls 'banter' was upsetting your dd. There's no mention of the girl who's sleepover it actually was is involved in this 'banter'

What I see is the other girl being subjected to peer pressure from her other friends. It was HER sleepover. She probably hasn't invited your dd because she could feel the tension between the other girls and yours. So unfortunately that meant your dd had missed out (I feel for her btw).

The 'chav' who had sleepover was then put in a difficult situation herself.

This is all completely pointless.
All this angst and aggression and it turns out the girls aren't getting on particularly well anyway.
So your DD not going was a pretty natural consequence of that. 🙄
Save your breath next time and allow your DD to sort out her own friendships
Absolutely vile to turn around and call this girl a chav.

@bettyfreddy it was the girl who's sleepover it was that has been upsetting my dd as banter. Maybe your all right about about her not fitting in though, I'm trying not to say anything derogatory about the party girl after being flamed for it but party girl and a few others can be disruptive / overly jokey in class and I know this annoys my dd as she wants to get on with the class. I know this is making her sound like a goody 2 shoes as some has said maybe is the reason she's not included but she's not, she can have fun and banter but just knows the time and place and when it's gone too far. She is much quieter than the others though, I think when they are younger huge personality differences don't make that much of a difference to friendships but maybe they are growing apart.

Right so that's it then....your daughter and these other girls just don't mix well right now. Hence why she wasn't invited to the sleepover. The girl who was having the sleepover could see this but maybe your dd couldn't. Not your dds fault at all but just one of those things.

The mother maybe was oblivious too, maybe she thought there would be no issue. After all your dd did invite herself so there can't of been any issues from her end (again not blaming your dd).

End of, it happens. Things like this are really not uncommon in this age at all. Friendship dynamics change all the time. Just one of those things.

you know OP being too nice can be a real problem. Bitching about other people can be a bonding experience for children and adults alike and if you are just not that way inclined it can be difficult to fit in and be accepted. I have found this all my life at school and at work. I’m a what you see is what you get type, possibly because of autism. Your lovely daughter will find nice, loyal friends who appreciate her in due course.

This has been my takeaway. Obviously it’s not been a nice experience for the DD and her feelings have been hurt, but the OP will not put herself in another mum’s shoes. There’s a pattern of using language that demonizes the other girl and mum, emphasizing that she and her DD could never treat anyone like that. The implication is they are much better people than these “loud chavs”. I find this kind of thing deliberate and manipulative, it’s being insulting while tip-toeing around direct name-calling and letting other posters do that for her. Throughout there is a theme of an innocent DD vs some kind of coordinated “power play” to deliberately hurt her. When the most likely reason is that this specific group of children has specific interests/connections that align for this specific sleepover, which DD didn’t fit into.

While the other girls shouldn’t have chattered about the plans near the others who weren’t invited, it seems this was in the context of a larger group where the majority of the class were also not included, not a singular exclusion. The other mum (“a cunt” apparently) had no issue having DD join, but her daughter was polite/controlled enough to wait until they were alone to say why she wasn’t invited in the first place. OP doesn’t know the reason and may not agree with it, but it is a valid reason for the 12 year old in question. OP is both upset that the mum didn’t lie and say no to begin with, and then critical that she was too honest over text.

The other mum can’t win - she either shows her daughter that her feelings and boundaries mean nothing, something that can do serious harm to her self-development, or she is a villain for resolving her mistake with honesty and assuming OP can manage her own child’s emotions. She’s probably kicking herself for not telling DD no to begin with, instead of trying to be kind and inclusive.

As for this thread, not surprised it’s the “be kind” brigade throwing the rudest, most explicit insults.

That's is, I don't want her to change her gentle nature to fit in (not that she could if she tried). I think the later conversation with my dd has highlighted the personality differences are becoming more apparent and we have got to the bottom of why she couldn't go.
Overexplaining me again here - I'd say their teenage cousin is a chav - when he comes out with some terms I'd tell him to stop talking like a chav - i still love him and dont think he is a bad person. It wasn't meant in a really mean way, just highlighting how different my dd is from her friend. I've said in the past its odd how they get on so well when so different, but it's clear as they are getting older the friendship isn't working as well.

They are not your kind of people op are they? You have put up with this despite your own reservations to broaden your dd's friendships. Be really honest about your dd about this, she should not try and 'fit in' and change her character to be more disruptive to squeeze into this group.

I would stop all of this right now, the girls you are describing are going to be trouble by the time they are fifteen, big trouble. Your dd as she becomes a teenager, is likely to get drawn into bigger problems than the one you currently have now. The same mother that has no backbone to insist on decency from her child will be the same one supplying alcohol and parties in a few years. Your problem is likely to worsen, and this sleepover will be the least of your problems.

I am veteran mother of teen girls, and it is important to fast forward by a few years and see the likely issues later on.

If your dd can't drop this group within the dance class in the next month or so, without any fall out, then I would move her class now. You have the chance now to move her away from this 'chav' group as you describe it, I understand what you mean too, I would take your chance now before your dd is too old and you won't have any influence over her to get her far away from them. Your dd will always be bottom tier to these girls if they are disruptors and it will be no good for her in the long run, and likely to run into some pretty big issues that will make this look like a teddy bears picnic.

Really ?
Now you are minimising calling someone a Chav?
It's an appalling term and you know it.
Always in these threads it becomes clear why people are avoided in the first place.

Wow.

Incredible to manage to be able to judge so much about people and their futures just by a second hand story on an anonymous website. Quite exceptional judginess.

The alternative view is the other girl was able to talk to her mum about her concerns and then the mum backed her up which will serve her well in her teenage years. But who really knows, they are complete and utter strangers to all but OP.

My gosh, the drip feeding! It was mentioned much earlier on that there may be a difference in personality traits - that someone who is quiet and shy, and likes playing Roblox may not be as welcome at a tween’s sleepover with girls who may be getting up to mischief and want a late night of banter. Neither personality type is better or more acceptable, they are just different.

Case closed.