Page 31 | Aibu to be angry about this - dd left out group/party

Lago1 · 2022-10-30T00:15:51+00:00

So a bit of background, my daughter is a lovely, yet shy and reserved child, who has been dancing for a few years with a group of girls and has grown in confidence around them. One particular girl, she sees as a good friend and they share another hobby which they do weekly together. This morning at dancing she hears some of the others discussing a sleepover and asked in front of the mum if she can join and the mum says of course. She comes home excited and gets her things ready, then I received a text 15 minutes before I was due to drop her off saying I'm sorry dd doesn't want her to come. Now I know maybe she shouldn't have asked but it was nice to see her confidence and she would have not even considered that her friend didn't want her there and probably thought of it as an oversight. There were no excuses made, and not even any effort to try and protect her feelings in this all. I am so sad for her. Aibu to feel really pissed off?

Dinomum79 · 31/10/2022 23:21

Cherrysherbet · 30/10/2022 19:13

YANBU at all.
My heart goes out to your Dd.
What an incredibly mean thing to do to a child. I have an 11yr old dd, and I can imagine how hurtful this was to you both.
I would in no way be having that girl in my house again. That would be it for me. I couldn’t forgive the girl or the Mother for that.
As an adult in this situation, once you’ve said yes, that’s it! Who could uninvite a child at the last minute 😡. I hope your dd is ok

This!

I could never imagine being so mean to a child. Children need to understand that they can’t always be included but I always ask my dc to be discreet and not discuss plans in front of those not invited especially if she was the only one not invited (?) which is also mean, not sure I could leave out just one child .

I hope you dd is ok and unfortunately it’s been a hard lesson learned. Although it’s hurtful it is better than going and not being welcome (as you have already said) .

Temporary311022 · 31/10/2022 23:22

kittykattykoofoo · 31/10/2022 23:08

A 12 year old child asked if she could come to a sleepover. This 12 year old should not have asked because she should have the emotional maturity, complexity, social adeptness/awareness etc etc of a mature fully grown adult. Also the mother that uninvited the child, was put in such an awful, uncompromising situation that we should only blame that 12 year old girl for asking, because how dare she. I mean wtf????
The comments on this post remind me if some of the mums I stay clear of. And funnily enough i've seen first hand, how many of their teenage daughters struggle with friendships as they became teens and older because their mother encouraged their self-entitled, toxic shitty behaviour. OP I hope your lovely daughter is ok and I think she will be as you are a lovely mum 💗

100% and going from late twenties to early 30’s. These grown up toxic teenagers tend to get into all sorts of bad relationships etc and are surprised when they have no friends in real life to help them out.

FlamingoSocks · 31/10/2022 23:40

Shocked this has gone on for 30 pages! (She says, whilst adding another reply)
The other mum is a cunt
You sound lovely and your DD is obviously growing up in a deeply loving and supportive home, which is a wonderful gift. She’ll be a happy and content person.
Shocked that anyone can see it another way.

unisexforreal · 31/10/2022 23:43

Itisbetter · 30/10/2022 01:49

Awe poor girl. This is exactly why we have “manners” and know we shouldn’t invite ourselves to things, but it’s a really harsh way to learn that lesson. Really you should apologies to the other mum for your daughter putting her in such a difficult situation and (assuming it’s accepted) put the whole thing behind you. Your daughter made a mistake nobody needs to feel ashamed or embarrassed.

What???? They are 12. Are you for real??

unisexforreal · 31/10/2022 23:44

FlamingoSocks · 31/10/2022 23:40

Shocked this has gone on for 30 pages! (She says, whilst adding another reply)
The other mum is a cunt
You sound lovely and your DD is obviously growing up in a deeply loving and supportive home, which is a wonderful gift. She’ll be a happy and content person.
Shocked that anyone can see it another way.

I agree!!!

unisexforreal · 31/10/2022 23:48

Lago1 · 30/10/2022 01:31

Thanks the varied responses have helped me see it from other perspectives, but protective mum mode kicks in when your child is hurt and I'm one to always think about other people's feelings, so maybe I need to learn to prioritise my own children's feelings like the other mum clearly has and not try to always be so accommodating to making sure others aren't hurt.

@Lago1 the other mum was a dickhead. How people can think a 12 year old CHILD can be to blame is beyond me. My heart hurts for your daughter.

Pants0nFir3 · 31/10/2022 23:52

I think the other mum is a complete shit. If your daughters are friends and let's be honest, she knows that. Kids overhear invites all the time, and yes, I myself have let others over when I didn't totally like the kids, but it's for our children to find out for themselves not let some pushy mum say yes then be a bitch and be cruel both to your daughter and you, via text FFS , just when she knew you would be dropping her off ?! Really?.Assure yourself AND your daughter that you've both had a lucky escape! Sometimes bullshit needs a bit more back! 12 or 13, it was a shitty thing to do as the other parent and her own daughter needs to learn lessons. Teach your daughter that her qualities are pure and she's better off without superficial beings like that in her life. ✌🏻❤💋

kittykattykoofoo · 31/10/2022 23:56

@unisexforreal I think @Itisbetter must have written one big typo because it makes no sense otherwise. I think she means the other girl should have manners for talking about the sleepover in front of her daughter. And the mum must be still catching up on the sleep deprivation from the earlier years because no one would send THAT text.

unisexforreal · 31/10/2022 23:59

Lago1 · 31/10/2022 12:17

I've said loads of times she ask to come in a response to a conversation, there was no intention of going above the child or seeking out an authority figure, everyone is reading way too much into a kid asking if they can join in whats being spoken about.
Also , do people think I'm sat here waiting for replies and picking up on every single question and replying instantly.
My dd has been called socially awkward, manipulative, a wet blanket and I've been told it's no surprise she's not wanted by her mates. What a lovely bunch of people! Thank fuck we don't have the pleasure of knowing you in real life.

@Lago1 i think adults can be even more mean to children than children can be. If anyone has said bad things on here about your daughter it says more about them than your daughter. Shame on them.

Itisbetter · 01/11/2022 00:00

@unisexforreal I’m not sure I understand your response to my post. Is it that you think a 12 year old is too young to understand that you don’t ask to be invited to someone’s house for the night?

Original poster

Lago1 · 01/11/2022 00:06

Thanks again, didn't mention it really again over the weekend to dd as she seemed to be getting on with it and didn't approach me so thought I'd leave her too it. I did bring it up this afternoon and asked what she thought about sharing lifts ect and it turns out she has been feeling a bit annoyed with some of the other girls 'banter' (again trying to be vague) in the car when the mum does reciprocate lifts and my dd said she told her she doesn't like it and its not a joke anymore, but it doesn't stop (this is all in front of the other mum). We spoke about why she thinks she values the friendships as a couple of other little things came up that she has spotted in the other girls behaviour that she is not particularly fond of - I think she's kind of been accepting the friendship as its easy and familiar. We had a talk about how as you get older you need to find friendships that make you feel good ect. The other girl and my dd are chalk and cheese, my dd is quiet and she is loud (chav is probably the wrong word for a child, but as its an anonymous forum, it's not actually going to upset anyone by using it).
I know some of you will say she can't be that bad if my dd wanted to go to the party so badly, but again I think it comes down to familiarity and my dd wouldn't have told me these things if this hadn't have happened as she would not have wanted to get her into trouble. This and the fact that the incident and my follow up conversation has made her think a bit more about why she is choosing these friends. She picked out a couple of other girls from dance that she seems to like and is going to step out of her comfort zone and try to make a bit more of an effort with them.

OP posts:

Fatredwitch · 01/11/2022 00:08

I really feel for your child. My granddaughter is 12 and would be heartbroken to have her bags packed only to be told at the last minute that she wasn't invited. Yes, as adults we know it's not the done thing to invite yourself (although plenty of adults do) but it's completely understandable that a kid assumes that she is a part of the group and will be included by her friend. It would just be wise to tell her gently, in private, that she should wait next time to be asked.

I have to agree that the other mother is a cunt. She should have told her daughter that you can't hurt people's feelings like that, rejecting them at the last minute and telling them that they aren't wanted. It was an opportunity to teach her kid to be nice. It was only another friend to add to the group. The kid wasn't being forced to spend time with her greatest enemy. Would it have hurt to be kind and include the other girl?

Some people are devoid of empathy.

kittykattykoofoo · 01/11/2022 00:08

@Itisbetter the 12 year old girl must have made the biggest faux pax of her life...to ask a situation appropriate question...given the context. OP so much love to you and your daughter. I would sack the mum and daughter off and any future encounters similarly because as previous posters have stated, it's 'boundaries'.

Psychgrad · 01/11/2022 00:25

Well done for speaking to her to about it in an open and honest way. Empaths tend to internalize their angst so just be mindful of that, sounds like you’ve got this though!

BaffledShopper · 01/11/2022 00:50

Tiani4 · 30/10/2022 02:18

Yanbu
Yes I agree that was a unkind if the other girl.
I'd be inclined to suggest DD has a sleepover or an event herself- bowling, face masks and stuff at home? . Then not invite the other one girl. She can have a life lesson of how you treat others bounces back on you. And stick to your guns.

Show quote history

That would be very petty.
And if this former friend is now part of an influential group, OP and her daughter might find no-one wants to come to their party!
Being a 12 year old girl sucks.

BaffledShopper · 01/11/2022 00:53

I wonder if it's a development related issue. At 12 some girls are already having periods and becoming shapely while others are still like little children. It may be that the other girls feel they are more mature than OPs daughter so don't want her aound for that reason.

CatsnCoffee · 01/11/2022 02:22

I experienced a similar situation with one of my children a few years ago. Invitations were given out to all the boys in my son’s class (yr6). My son didn’t receive one.
For context; he was a popular, sociable and confident member of the class and a friend of the boy having the sleepover.I never found out why he wasn’t invited.
I notice some people replying on here, that the OP shouldn’t have let her child ask to be invited and that the mother was put on the spot. So, like the mother in my story, why send invites around in school if you’re going to exclude one child? It’s insensitive at least and callous at worst.
If you’re going to back out later, make a reasonable excuse, so the child doesn’t know they’re just not welcome.
If you do treat the uninvited child with this degree of insensitivity, the child is better off without the friendship of a child whose parent behaves this way and may have adopted some of this insensitive attitude towards people.

Nymeria6 · 01/11/2022 03:11

Your poor, poor daughter. I'm really sorry, she must feel awful.

Anyone who is saying she shouldn't have invited herself are out of order. She's a 12 year old child who is innocent and wouldn't have thought anything of it by asking to go. Also, the other mum should have at least had the decency to call or say sorry.

It's a sad lesson that your daughter has learnt, that girls can be mean and not very nice.

Mary80 · 01/11/2022 03:20

Hagpie · 31/10/2022 22:29

Also it’s a great opportunity to teach your kid something you’re already demonstrating in this thread. A lot of grown ups are calling 12 year olds names right now, even yours, and you’ve largely brushed it off. We can’t control what others do, we can only control how we react.

I must admit to needing to be reminded of that sometimes haha. It’s like I’m trying to teach my kids a lesson and I’m only one page ahead. 😂 You’re a bigger person than me OP.

I agree, the OP handled this thread v well..

Mary80 · 01/11/2022 03:25

mcmooberry · 31/10/2022 22:31

@Shauny098 exactly! Pages of posts supporting unkind behaviour from people who I hope to God I never encounter in real life!

Gosh..absolutely..

Mary80 · 01/11/2022 03:27

Temporary311022 · 31/10/2022 23:12

I joined mumsnet purely to respond to you OP. Ignore the ridiculous replies on here about how it’s your daughters fault. It’s not. The other child and her mother by the same logic of the posters on here should now expect a drop in favours they previously enjoyed. That sort of behaviour wouldn’t be entertained by me. No more lifts/favours/ sleepover for the little queen b. I would stop responding to any more posts about how your kid should’ve known better. These are the kind of right wing ideology that has permeated websites like this. In reality, you have the option of educating your daughter and letting her know what you think. Having an open mother-daughter conversation about how to give people who expect you to provide favours but give you a wide berth because for whatever reason they deemed your daughter not good enough should be a standard.

Absolutely…

Mary80 · 01/11/2022 03:30

FlamingoSocks · 31/10/2022 23:40

Shocked this has gone on for 30 pages! (She says, whilst adding another reply)
The other mum is a cunt
You sound lovely and your DD is obviously growing up in a deeply loving and supportive home, which is a wonderful gift. She’ll be a happy and content person.
Shocked that anyone can see it another way.

I agree

Mary80 · 01/11/2022 03:35

unisexforreal · 31/10/2022 23:43

What???? They are 12. Are you for real??

Show quote history

I double that.. are you for real?! Totally agree..this is nuts.. but thank goodness she’ll stop hanging out w this friend.. not good for her, not worth it..

Scarriff · 01/11/2022 04:39

Thats horrible. I do feel for your daughter and for you. The other child sounds unkind and if I were her mother I would be ashamed. It does happen a lot unfortunately.

Ukrainebaby23 · 01/11/2022 05:59

Lago1 · 30/10/2022 01:50

Thank you, I agree, I just think if roles were reversed I would speak to my dd about why, and explain how friendships should be permanent not just as and when it suits, and try and encourage her to be welcoming as I wouldn't have it in be to uninvite a 12 year old 15 mins before they were due to arrive.

Yes I'm old school, my mum would have made me have her come for the sleepover if mum had agreed to it. Host child sounds like a diva, encourage DD to make other friends.