Aibu to be angry about this - dd left out group/party

[Lago1]

So a bit of background, my daughter is a lovely, yet shy and reserved child, who has been dancing for a few years with a group of girls and has grown in confidence around them. One particular girl, she sees as a good friend and they share another hobby which they do weekly together. This morning at dancing she hears some of the others discussing a sleepover and asked in front of the mum if she can join and the mum says of course. She comes home excited and gets her things ready, then I received a text 15 minutes before I was due to drop her off saying I'm sorry dd doesn't want her to come. Now I know maybe she shouldn't have asked but it was nice to see her confidence and she would have not even considered that her friend didn't want her there and probably thought of it as an oversight. There were no excuses made, and not even any effort to try and protect her feelings in this all. I am so sad for her. Aibu to feel really pissed off?

@Fancylike I don't think I can win here. I have a more balance view of the situation thanks to people telling me very harshly why my dd was wrong, and how om wrong for feeling as I do - which I've taken mostly without becoming defensive. If I start name calling I'd obviously be a vicious nasty cow- if I try and get my point across in a more diplomatic way I'm manipulative.

I really think these girls have just grown apart and no longer have much in common. They seem to be developing at different rates and your daughter finds the other girl a bit sneery etc while she finds your daughter a bit childish etc.
It's normal and your daughter would be better off moving on to new friends that she can relate better to. This will all be a dim and distant memory to her in the future. Most people can recall incidents like this.

I would grasp the chance to embolden your child to enjoy her gentle nature, and remind her how lovely she is. Friends with similar values are the way to go. There is a perfect life lesson here op.

It's not about " winning" but about self awareness.
Perhaps step back a bit and take a more pragmatic view.

All through the thread you have been raging and name calling and they are wrong and now it's a complete reverse and you don't like them anyway.
Perhaps calm down and next time just ask your DD before you go off like a rocket.
Essentially your DD wasn't invited as they aren't really getting on, probably the best thing for everyone.
The End

@PrestonNorthHen you don't know how I reacted in real life, and that was not really making a deal of at all to my dd until we spoke about it a few days later. It's different to name call to a person about their own child (which is likely to cause hurt), than it is to use one rude term (point taken I shouldn't have used that word) about someone none of you know in person - it's not going to hurt anyone.
Yes also my view has changed about the other girl in light of the most recent conversation with my dd.

I think so too.
It's very difficult as girls of that age can be so spiteful.

Then a couple of weeks later they target someone else.

Frankly, I'd rather my DD was upset and help her through than be a bully.

Essentially your DD wasn't invited as they aren't really getting on, probably the best thing for everyone.

It really is as simple as that isn't it.

I'm really surprised that Op's daughter invited herself given the circumstances.

Yes you want to help your child with emotional wrangles but trying to get them to talk about something is invading their space if they don’t want that.

If the DD and the friend weren’t getting on, why would she invite herself? It sounds like she thought she was “getting on” with this friend and had no reason to think otherwise.

I didn't interpret this as meaning permanent in the sense of 'until death do us part'; but that one should not be capricious, and be friendly one day and turn on or let down the friend on another, just on a whim.

Regardless of the post issue I think I must be reading different OP posts to this person . I’ve seen no evidence of raging, name calling, going “off like a rocket” etc. how weird

@KimberleyClark she told me yesterday that the others girls banter was going a bit far even after she asked her to stop on a couple of occasions over the last few weeks, hence the posters saying it because they wasn't getting on. My dd obviously still wanted to be involved in the group, but have since spoken about how it is okay to branch out if you not finding the friendship enjoyable and not just sticking what what/who you know as its easier.

It seems possible that your dd was not invited because she had objected to some of the 'banter'. Even if the others didn't have this strongly against her, they may have wanted to use the sleepover in part for this sort of 'banter', and not wanted anyone around who might inhibit it. Sometimes one does have to choose between popularity and being true to oneself, and it sounds as though your dd ultimately made the right choice.

Exactly. Maybe they view her as a bit of a killjoy? Rightly or wrongly

@sue20 I thought this was going to develop towards dd being poor girl not the friend. well I think the friend is fine she’s had her sleepover and excluded OPs dd as she chose. The “poor girl” I was referring to was OPs dd who invited herself and then got really hurt. Manners protect us from this sort of vulnerability.

Maybe the other girls feel like they're being told off by your dd when they make their jokes? The other girls could have said "Mum we don't want her to come because she'll ruin all our fun"

Just trying to get into the mind of a 12yo

Maybe the other girls kicked off when they heard she was coming and the other girl felt under pressure?

The comment from the other Mum "They'll be best of friends again soon" does point to some sort of falling out, even if your dd hadn't realised this.

Also the Mum is in the car and is hearing these exchanges.

OP it sounds like the dynamics of this little group are quite unhealthy. The exclusion caused by the bantering is, in effect, bullying and it is wrong of the mother to condone it.
Now that yourDD is no longer part of the group some other member will be picked on — because the unity of the group is based on this bullying factor.
I imagine there are issues at the other school some of these girls attend.
Explain to your DD that the term “bantering” ( not used when I was young) is too often used to disguise the violence of bullying.

To be fair the sleep over girl didn't invite her she invited herself and mum agreed. The SOG isn't to blame here so why should she have to make phone calls and excuses.

I think it's quite significant what the 'banter' actually is. If it was racial or homophobic slur or actively targeting a particular person in an unkind way then I'd be buying your dd whatever she wants for Christmas and then some tbh for choosing to speak out. It can be really hard to stand up to casual predjudice especially to your friends so good om her. If they were just doing daft kid stuff then she still has every right to speak out if it isn't her thing but has to accept that the consequence of this might be that people might see her as a bit of a buzzkill (right or wrongly as pp have said) Either way I still think the other girls were tactless at best and downright cruel at worst to be talking about the sleepover in front of her

Earlier in the thread I was of the view that it wasn’t ok for ops DD to invite herself but as the thread has gone on I think it perhaps is good that the scales have fallen a bit and she’s starting to see this relationship for what it is as it does sound like she’s being treated poorly under the guise of ‘banter’.
Harsh to label a 12 year old a killjoy as they don’t want to be the butt of the groups jokes- essentially bullying.

but have since spoken about how it is okay to branch out if you not finding the friendship enjoyable and not just sticking what what/who you know as its easier.

The thing is that goes both ways. It was also reasonable not to be invited. The rest is guesswork. People keep saying the girls spoke about it in front of her. It might have been a private conversation that your DD overheard?

As for the person before jumping to racial and homophobic slurs, that is quite the leap...

I'm just trying to explain what might be the thinking of the rest of the group. Not labelling her as anything

How is it a leap? OP hasn't specified what the banter was or whether it was specifically aimed at her dd. The other day I was at the park with my dd and witnessed something that would be a perfect example of what this 'banter' might have been. It was a group of kids a similar age (10-12) who were having races saying 'last one there is gay' or 'last one there loves x person' I understand that this is just having a laugh to many kids but to a child who's less of a dick more sensitive they may perceive it as the subtle homophobia that it is. I would be proud of my dd if she grows up to speak out against such rubbish tbh. It's not uncommon though I'm sure so not such a leap of the imagination IMHO...

Well you are definitely being unreasonable using classist terms like 'chav', anonymously or not. If your daughter is policing the group chat, then maybe that's why they don't want her there.

It might be why they don't want her there but it doesn't mean she's wrong or even lacking social skills. It might just mean she actually has a moral code which should be respected in such a young child IMO