Aibu to be angry about this - dd left out group/party

[Lago1]

So a bit of background, my daughter is a lovely, yet shy and reserved child, who has been dancing for a few years with a group of girls and has grown in confidence around them. One particular girl, she sees as a good friend and they share another hobby which they do weekly together. This morning at dancing she hears some of the others discussing a sleepover and asked in front of the mum if she can join and the mum says of course. She comes home excited and gets her things ready, then I received a text 15 minutes before I was due to drop her off saying I'm sorry dd doesn't want her to come. Now I know maybe she shouldn't have asked but it was nice to see her confidence and she would have not even considered that her friend didn't want her there and probably thought of it as an oversight. There were no excuses made, and not even any effort to try and protect her feelings in this all. I am so sad for her. Aibu to feel really pissed off?

OMG how patronising!

OP do not ever apologise for someone else's ignorance. As horrible as this is for your daughter this doesn't sound like a healthy friendship xx

I would have told my child that she either has everyone or no one, what sort of example is it setting allowing your child to call the shots 15 mins before a sleepover and clearly just be mean. I would text the child's mum back and say that.

I would tell your child the sleepover will be shit, they will all fall out and wish they never went then I would take her out and make sure she has a lovely time to forget all about how shitty pre-teen girls can be!

It sounds like your DD is similar to I was. I went through similar situation at high school. Best friend had a party and her other friends said they wouldn’t attend if I was invited so first I heard was weeks later. I was obviously hurt but it taught me a life lesson. Hopefully your DD will be ok but just remind her that she will get better friends down the line.

That was just mean I don't care what my dd would say I would NEVER cancel someone like that no matter be how they ended up being invited. I would be raging. What sort of example is this mum setting to her child. Horrible people.

The other mum should not have said yes without speaking to you first or her own DD.

But once a commitment has been made it was a bit naughty to leave it so late. You didn’t say how long there was between the invite and the actual sleepover

12 was about the time my DD's across the road and up a bit friend, started to change and it didn't get any better as they got older, if anything I think it became more blatant because when they get to 15 or 16 as a mum its really hard to step in...

Best thing to suggest is for your DD to wean herself away from this girl and gain interests and other group friends elsewhere and don't let this Girl into these new circles.

My DD did, and by the time they finished school what was once a lovely group of young ladies/friends, had completely split from each other, based on one person's doing...

Have already commented my disgust at the other mother yesterday but seen your update and she now sounds even worse! Someone who would, without apology, do that to a 12 year old girl is not someone you want in either of your lives.

Oh bless her. I have a dd12 and this would break my heart. I’m sorry but this other girl just doesn’t sound like a nice girl. Had I been that girls mother I’d have said “you’ve said yes now and it’s important to be kind so she’ll be coming and you’ll be gracious about it”. And even if as the mother I abided by my daughters unkind wishes I’d have told you “sorry I didn’t realise there were so many coming so I can’t accommodate your dd this time”, not just told her so bluntly. Christ ppl are horrible. Mumsnet genuinely does give me an insight into how ppl think and behave outside of my social circle and it’s fucking weird! Shocks me the way some ppl think in such a nasty and twisted way.

Life lesson for her
But try not to be overly hurt yourself on her behalf it will exasperate her feelings in a negative way
Focus on positives it's not about her it's about them , and they are not worth the energy , move on

There loss

Their loss!
ffs sorry

This resonates with me as the mother of twin girls, where sometimes, only one of them got the invite and the other was left out. We hurt for them, but sometimes that’s life.
I wonder if in the future the other mother will look back and think that her actions were cruel and callous to hurt a a 12 year old child like that? 15 mins notice! I know I would. Her daughter on the other hand, will most likely forget it happened. Hope your daughter forgets about it in time too. Maybe organise a sleepover for your daughter, something nice for you both to look forward to?

I had the opposite problem recently. I found out this week that my friends hadn’t specifically invited me to the pub on a few occasions because they just assumed I would know they wanted me to come and just show up. I assumed I was preggers Billy no mates and they weren’t too interested in hanging out with me anymore.They were very shocked when they reiterated they loved me and wished I would stop skipping out on nights out and I was a tad emotional. I’m sure everyone here has messed up with their friends sometimes or accidentally hurt feelings or communicated something badly and we are grown! The big emotion part of their brains are just firing up and the logic part won’t catch up for many years yet.

They hurt your kid and you’re hurt for them but it will all blow over. I think your child is 12 and is still learning about how people can be. All you can do is talk to her about it and try to give the other child some grace too. Friends can be very tricky, can’t they? Don’t we have a lot of threads here on mn with people asking advice on how to navigate their friendships? You’ve done a smashing job so far but now you have to fight your instincts and step back because it is your daughter’s turn to practice all that conflict resolution and emotional regulation you’ve been teaching her all these years. I can see you’ll be there if she needs you. ❤️

I haven’t read all of your posts…sorry…but it seems that your DD got excited in the moment & felt confident enough to ask…there’s nothing wrong with that…it just got a bit messy.
Your DD sounds lovely…very caring & understanding of other people’s feelings. I would say she’s showing signs of being an empath & this can be quite hard on young people as they have to learn to protect themselves.
I hope your DD was ok at school today & there was no fall out from what happened 💜

And your post is exactly who my post is aimed at! I swear these threads are full of ppl who just either love to antagonise or are just nasty fuckers with no idea of how to behave in a kind and thoughtful manner. No wonder the world is as fucked as it is today! Where do ppl like you even come from!? I don’t know anyone who actually thinks so nastily (probably because if I did you’d get slung in the nearest bin!)

Also it’s a great opportunity to teach your kid something you’re already demonstrating in this thread. A lot of grown ups are calling 12 year olds names right now, even yours, and you’ve largely brushed it off. We can’t control what others do, we can only control how we react.

I must admit to needing to be reminded of that sometimes haha. It’s like I’m trying to teach my kids a lesson and I’m only one page ahead. 😂 You’re a bigger person than me OP.

@Shauny098 exactly! Pages of posts supporting unkind behaviour from people who I hope to God I never encounter in real life!

All this talk of how bitchyv12 year olds can be, and no-one suggesting that possibly the ops dd has been bitchu or unkind to the party girl and that's why she doesn't want to invite the ops dd.
Also I hate the opinions that the party girl is bitchu because she does not want this girl at HER party because females have to ' be kind' .

I see this sort of stuff happen with my dd group (age 10). Sometimes girls get left out if the others find them annoying sometimes. Sorry to be blunt. Or sometimes it is the mothers influencing who the dd invites to things (ive seen this w one of her friends). It does suck. But for example, the mother could have been a little better at handling it. She should have messaged straight away once she realised she her dd did not want your dd coming and if it was for a reason like the dd finds her annoying....make an excuse like numbers etc and so sorry. Also, sometimes you may not realise if something happened between your dd and the girl. Such as, once a good friend of my dd suddenly decided she did not want to come for a play date. The mother just wrote "sorry, but x no longer wants to come," I enquired more and she said something about my dd not being very nice to her that day at school. My dd had no clue, so I asked more about it and then found out it was a complete misunderstanding, my dd explained to the girl and apologised. The girl forgave her came on the play date and they have had numerous onces since (at their house and ours). In your situation, I would have your dd focus on her other friends. Do not invite the other dc to your house again, unless they make an effort. We had one girl always super happy to come to our house, but never wanted to reciprocate. Not sure if it was the girl or the mother (who is not very friendly). But anyway, we stopped inviting.

That’s so hard for your DD. I’m surprised at how many posters think it’s okay for the party girl to do that. Her text to your daughter was so rude

A 12 year old child asked if she could come to a sleepover. This 12 year old should not have asked because she should have the emotional maturity, complexity, social adeptness/awareness etc etc of a mature fully grown adult. Also the mother that uninvited the child, was put in such an awful, uncompromising situation that we should only blame that 12 year old girl for asking, because how dare she. I mean wtf????
The comments on this post remind me if some of the mums I stay clear of. And funnily enough i've seen first hand, how many of their teenage daughters struggle with friendships as they became teens and older because their mother encouraged their self-entitled, toxic shitty behaviour. OP I hope your lovely daughter is ok and I think she will be as you are a lovely mum 💗

I joined mumsnet purely to respond to you OP. Ignore the ridiculous replies on here about how it’s your daughters fault. It’s not. The other child and her mother by the same logic of the posters on here should now expect a drop in favours they previously enjoyed. That sort of behaviour wouldn’t be entertained by me. No more lifts/favours/ sleepover for the little queen b. I would stop responding to any more posts about how your kid should’ve known better. These are the kind of right wing ideology that has permeated websites like this. In reality, you have the option of educating your daughter and letting her know what you think. Having an open mother-daughter conversation about how to give people who expect you to provide favours but give you a wide berth because for whatever reason they deemed your daughter not good enough should be a standard.

You would put another child's feelings before those of your own daughter's?

I'd be really hurt if this happened to my daughter. Maybe it's time to have a chat with your daughter about how 2 faced this world can be in a diplomatic way so that she can be prepared for these situations when they arise. Not everyone are what they seem at times and sometimes they are who they say they are. Clearly this girl is not a true friend to your daughter and just hangs out with her for the sake of the club.

@fUNNYfACE36 and your response is the exact problem. How do you even navigate any sort of relationship without considering others feelings and how your actions might impact on them? Shall we just propagate 'me me me'...I mean where is this ideology coming from. I remember the 'Me Too' movement, this must be a new opposite.