Aibu to be angry about this - dd left out group/party

[Lago1]

So a bit of background, my daughter is a lovely, yet shy and reserved child, who has been dancing for a few years with a group of girls and has grown in confidence around them. One particular girl, she sees as a good friend and they share another hobby which they do weekly together. This morning at dancing she hears some of the others discussing a sleepover and asked in front of the mum if she can join and the mum says of course. She comes home excited and gets her things ready, then I received a text 15 minutes before I was due to drop her off saying I'm sorry dd doesn't want her to come. Now I know maybe she shouldn't have asked but it was nice to see her confidence and she would have not even considered that her friend didn't want her there and probably thought of it as an oversight. There were no excuses made, and not even any effort to try and protect her feelings in this all. I am so sad for her. Aibu to feel really pissed off?

She shouldn’t have invited herself, it was rude and if they wanted her there she would have been invited. I’m not surprised they texted but out of common courtesy it would have been good of them to say earlier

Wow, that is mean. Once the other girls mother had said your daughter could come it was incredibly rude and mean to let you know she couldn’t because she wasn’t wanted at the last minute.

At 12 she shouldn't have asked the dm to come, it should have been the girl who's sleepover it was. She was put on the spot and there could be something more going on with the girls that your not aware of which is why she isn't invited. The fact many go to the same school demonstrates the dynamics are some way different. The dm is right it is preteen drama, girls constantly fall out and make up, it's part and parcel growing up..I do think your response to the dm wasn't right. I think you do have blinkers when it comes yo your dd, all girls that age can be highly strung and difficult.

Lily4444
They should not have been discussing an event where the only 'friend' not invited was the OP's child. Texting to say she was not invited in that way was unkind. Kids need to learn some empathy. The other girl's mum should have explained this to her dd.

They didn’t have to say yes when she invited herself. It’s beyond rude to uninvite someone with 15 minutes to spare, especially with no attempt to make an excuse which might spare their feelings.

My dd is younger than yours but is part of a large friendship group which encompasses at least three different schools and several activities. There are too many girls to invite every one of them to every party/sleepover etc. I felt awful recently when we could only invite 5 to a birthday party and one of the children who didn’t make the cut asked me directly if she could come. I explained that we only had space for 6 in total and that I had made my dd cut the list down as we couldn’t afford to have everyone even if we’d like to. She seemed happy enough with the explanation but her mum hasn’t spoken to me since!

I do feel you are being unreasonable and that maybe the mum was actually telling you that she didn’t know anything had changed until her daughter told her just before the planned arrival. That timing certainly suggests a last minute argument to me! In saying that this is preteen friendship she really seems to be saying it’s a storm in a teacup and they’ll sort it out themselves. I don’t think that you feeling aggrieved on your daughter’s behalf or cutting this other girl out of your lives is actually helpful to their friendship. Also, while I know you don’t want to believe that your daughter has been anything but a good friend but maybe, inadvertently or unintentionally, she has done something that has made the others less keen to be around her? She might not even realise she’s done it.

I think cancelling 15 mins before you got there was awful perhaps the mum had tried to persuade her DD to have your DD there hence the last minute notice. Girls are hard don't remember all these power games at that age. I think you did the right thing telling your daughter the truth stopped her being blind sided as girls seem to be really cruel these days.

Why shouldn't a 12 year old be able to ask if they can join in ?

I would have said, i already invited her, She’s coming or we cancel the party tbh!

An awkward situation all round… like so many other posters, I find this triggering uncomfortable memories of my school days. Kids can be very cruel!

Your daughter was naive to ask the mum if she could come to the sleepover when she hadn’t been invited. When she has calmed down and feels less hurt, you need to explain to her that you don’t invite yourself to a social event that someone else is organising.

The other girls were mean to discuss the sleepover in front of her.

The mum was extremely rude to rescind the invitation 15 mins before the start of the party and to be so blunt. Yes, she was put on the spot by your daughter, but she should have contacted you much earlier and let your daughter down gently, she could easily have made an excuse.

Friendships do come and go at that age- I agree with PP that you need to discourage your daughter from escalating the situation with a text war. I would try and use this as an opportunity to teach her about boundaries, without wading in on her behalf and making matters worse for her socially . Say to her that she has a choice about who her friends are, and encourage her to invite some other girls over for pizza/cinema/sleepover soon.

Unless the lift arrangement is reciprocal and benefits your daughter, I would stop offering lifts to this girl. Text her mum in a neutral, factual way- don’t rage about her treatment of your DD but, as a PP has suggested, something along the lines of ‘DD was upset not to be invited to X’s sleepover. As our daughters don’t seem to be getting on so well at the moment I think it’s best that I don’t give X a lift to dance class/Swimming/whatever it may be right now’. The mum will get the message.

Oh, and do take your daughter out for a treat. It sucks to be 12 and excluded from a sleepover! x

I feel bad for the child not allowed to join. And told 15 mins before joining.
Tbh I think the friend’s mum could help her daughter in how to treat her friends.
it’s a small group that often hangs out - so why leave one out. I encourage my DD to invite her small circle of friends to all join or to do things on a one to one. If she wanted to invite all the small group and leave out one I would discuss why, how will this friend feel and how would she feel in their shoes. I would never force her to be friends with someone but the 4 girls she is always with she considers her good friends and treating each other kindly is important.
Hope OPs DD feels better now and things are okay

Sorry but the other mother said yes and then presumably afterwards her dd explained why she didn't want your DD there. You don't know what that reason is but the other mother obviously felt it appropriate to say she had made a mistake in saying yes to protect her child, the same way you are seeking to protect yours.

I am glad your daughter had other friends to spend time with both then and going forward and if they aren't at the same school it shouldn't impact her friendship groups too much.

They became friendly through an activity and yes at that sort of age leaving primary/starting secondary there is fluidity in friendships as they mature differently and have different interests. Perhaps one or the other of them do things that are too grown up or babyish and your DD hasn't realised they are growing apart.

I feel for your daughter, she sounds lovely.
I must admit, I feel every single rejection that my kids feel so I would be the same as you. My DD1 is only 7 but she's on the outside of her friendship group too. She's nearly always on her own at playtime. She's a very shy, sensitive girl and I can only imagine how much harder it will get as she gets older.
Don't feel bad for feeling the way you do, just be there for your daughter - as I'm sure you are.

I think the friend sounds mean. Probably best to discourage that friendship as she sounds like a
Potential bully who likes to exclude people

I expect the mum was
Really embarrassed but an apology would have sweetened the blow

There does have to be a reason she wasn't invited, maybe she thought there was more of a friendship than there is, maybe the dynamics are different when she's there, maybe there's someone else going who she doesn't get along with etc. As you've already said your daughter shouldn't have invited herself and that's a lesson learned. But if the mother was brave enough to text and tell you she wasn't invited she should have been brave enough to be honest about why. My daughter is the same age and has had a friend at school who seemed lovely and chilled and kind etc etc, but underneath that she's been spreading some lies and looking for lots of attention and it caused so much friction. I'm not suggesting for one minute that your daughter has done this, I'm just pointing out that sometimes there can be a clash and certain things that some friends want to do with certain people, but not with others. Really poor from the other mum to say yes and then say no. She should have just said no from the start if there was a reason.

There's no way you could have lied to your daughter

Oh sorry, the party is cancelled. Unpack your bag....she would find
Out

Yes, such hypocrisy

I’m reading this having been in a slightly similar situation. And for clarity you are not being unreasonable at all! It was incredibly rude. But you do need to get to the bottom of it and I wouldnt hesitate to ask.

My daughter (8) has been left out of a couple of things with her school group. It’s her only group of friends so I was massively taken aback and upset for her. One of the mums actively messaged me to tell me her daughter was having a party but has asked my daughter not to come! The mum supported the exclusion too! As it turns out my daughter had gotten the blame of something at school and she was being left out of the group because of this. We spoke to the school and it turned out it was lies from the group of girls themselves. Another few days passed before we realised it was a new girl to the group who was stirring things and asking the group not to be friends with my daughter. This unfolded over a couple of weeks and I have to say the school were fantastic at dealing with it. But there was a period when my daughter was being singled out and excluded because of this one girl. It was all being done so subtlely that it could have easily gone unnoticed if it wasn’t for a family friend over hearing some things in the play ground. I suppose what I’m trying to say is, it’s never going to be just a case of they just decided they don’t want her there (from the sounds of it they’re all friends together) there will be a reason and you need to ask the mum what the deal is. In a non emotive way. Say she’s really taken a knock because of it and if that’s how the girls feel then she needs to know now for her own sake. Its a hard one as it won’t be an easy conversation to have. Or could you confide in one of the either mums to the group without offending anyone?

my sense is there’s more to this and for your daughters sake I would try and get to the bottom of it xx

Id say to the other mom, until the girls friendship is sorted, I don't want to make things awkward so we'll meet you at whatever activity they hitch a lift with you for. Flaky friends are the worst! They're not real. So many people have said your daughter is in the wrong for asking but the other girl is in the wrong for not caring of others feelings. They shouldn't have spoken about it in front of her if she wasn't invited

Lago1 · Yesterday 12:39
Wow, I'm suprised that the vastly different views. Everyone I've spoken to in real life thinks it's appalling behaviour.

You aren't open to other opinions so this is hardly surprising.

It's quite cheeky of your daughter to invite herself to a sleepover.

@JohnStuartMill have you read my previous posts? Countless times I have said I'm very open to other opinions as judgement can be clouded when your own child is hurt and I've thanked people for constructive criticism

Really? If her whole dancing friend group are going to a sleepover why not ask !? They’ve clearly accepted her into the group and she feels part of it having had the girls over to hers before. What happened to being kind!

The issue is the girls have had no consideration for her feelings. They shouldn’t have mentioned it in front of her to begin with.

Karma’s a bitch and the ones who have disregard for other peoples feelings will get their time !!

I think if the other mum had done as some people suggested and said she'd cancel the sleepover if daughter didn't agree to it would likely been bringing the friendship to a complete end with that girl and probably the rest of the dance group.
They would have blamed your dd for stopping the sleepover, or for forcing herself in there whichever it ended up being.

They may be a reason that the other mum can't tell you without breaching a confidence, or maybe they felt the real reason was more hurtful or maybe there was something more practical but she didn't want to say.

If she's often invited and goes round there or the friends come to you, then is it worth spoiling the friendship for? Maybe you think it is, I wouldn't.

Could that be the reason tho——that your dd is laid back and gets on with everyone?
The other girl might feel jealous in the way that your dd “steals” her night? I do think whatever the reason, it doesn't matter. The problems are theirs, not yours. Perhaps try do not take it personally. Some people just don't like you, and its okay.
And I agree that as a parent you should not make a promise to other kid and undo. If i were the other mum, i would convince my daughter to have her friend here this time, and perhaps do another sleep over on her own terms.
i hope your dd is okay x

Maybe the other child who’s party it was is just not that close to your daughter?

No need to break off the friendship but you can explain to your daughter that all friendships ebb and flow, and that at 12 it’s pretty rude to invite yourself to a sleepover.

My mother made me do all sorts of things when I was younger when I’d not agree to them! At least the other mother has boundaries.

Just say ‘oh well, there’ll be other sleepovers, I know it’s upsetting, just one of those things love. Shall we have a hot chocolate?’.