Aibu to be angry about this - dd left out group/party

[Lago1]

So a bit of background, my daughter is a lovely, yet shy and reserved child, who has been dancing for a few years with a group of girls and has grown in confidence around them. One particular girl, she sees as a good friend and they share another hobby which they do weekly together. This morning at dancing she hears some of the others discussing a sleepover and asked in front of the mum if she can join and the mum says of course. She comes home excited and gets her things ready, then I received a text 15 minutes before I was due to drop her off saying I'm sorry dd doesn't want her to come. Now I know maybe she shouldn't have asked but it was nice to see her confidence and she would have not even considered that her friend didn't want her there and probably thought of it as an oversight. There were no excuses made, and not even any effort to try and protect her feelings in this all. I am so sad for her. Aibu to feel really pissed off?

Very rude of this woman to text you. She should have said to her dd - tough. She's not teaching her anything if she allows her to rescind an invitation.

Tbh, I would have had this conversation with my DD if it was her sleepover. There is no way I would be texting a parent telling them my 12 old daughter does not want a child there. It's rude and nasty.
This girl is not a friend and perhaps you need to help your daughter make other friends now.

The mum should have said I’ll check when we get home & see if we have space but she should NEVER have said yes if she didn’t know that the answer was definitely yes.
She is bang out of order & you need to tell her as much!
If the shoe was in the other foot & it was her daughter being left out/lied to to avoid an awkward situation I’m sure she’d have something to say about the matter!
Your daughter has every right to be angry & upset & so do you!
What you need to do how is try to use this as a learning opportunity. It isn’t a nice one but we all have to learn at some point that we can’t always go to everything, some people aren’t really our friends & others are just don’t care who they hurt.

Hope your daughter can find better friends 💗

Friendship is not all equal between friends. Some people have many different circles of friends and they might see you as a distant friend or just an acquaintance, while you may consider them as your very close friend.

However, I can never forgive any adult who deliberately hurt an innocent child's little heart.

Yanbu. 12 is an odd age where friendships are shifting. You are right to say to dd - you are too good for these people find others.

If I’d been the other mum I’d have told her to shape up and be nice or I’d have cancelled the whole thing. I’ve always been clear to my two we do not exclude people who would expect to be invited over daft little tiffs.

The other mum didn't handle that well at all. Come on, she's had twelve years to practice saying 'Not this time, sweetie. We'll arrange for you to come to our house another time.' Kids ask fir play dates/ sleepovers from they're two and you're always having to put them off!

@lago1 Has your daughter had any contact with the little girl since? How did today go at school, was it mentioned (you referenced that some of the dance girls go to school with your DD)?

Hi, this sort of happened to me as a child at around 11ish but with a birthday party that the whole class (only 15 or so in the class) was invited to.

Overheard in PE and asked as I thought I’d maybe missed an invite as everyone else was invited, the girl (v popular) who said I could come along. Had to arrange for my brother to take me as parent were working. She informed me the day before that I wasn’t invited as “there wasn’t enough food and you’ll have to sit on the side with nothing to eat”. Was very hurt but realised quite quickly that she was just a bit of a bully as she took turns at picking on different people.

Still bump into her now occasionally. Think she peaked at school so to speak.

I took it more as a lesson in how not to behave and I think your daughter will to! It’s not about not been invited it’s about someone making you on purposely aware that you aren’t invited and that’s mean.

A lot of these really rude responses are the problem with today’s society! You have a sleepover for a group of friends you invite them all or none! The girl did nothing wrong when she asked if she could come! To not invite her and then agree and to uninvite her is extremely rude! But then it seems about 90% of this thread here was dragged up by cavemen or entitled selfish egotists!

There’s another post about a girl who didn’t want other children To come trick or treating and her mum was praised for her boundaries in not forcing her to be around people she didn’t want to.
now on this post the mum is mean because she didn’t force her child to have a child she didn’t want there ?
dealt with a bit rubbish way and mum should of just said no sorry not this time to your daughter.
it hurts when our kids hurt but it’s also a life lesson. I hope she is ok x

Completely agree. Sometimes you have to do things in life that you don't want and I would never allow my child to uninvite someone at the last minute. It's just unkind

This would have been an occasion where I would have told my daughter that she simply couldn't disinvite her friend 15 mins before the sleepover.

I think this is the problem though-the girl didn't invite or disinvite Op's daughter.

She invited herself & the mother agreed.

She should have told her no at the time or messaged Op straight away that it wasn't convenient after all.

I agree @diddl

It's been badly handled

That's a shame. I feel awful for you and her. Big hugs xx

It sucks to be put on the spot and it sucks to be disinvited. This is all helpful learning though.

Your daughter should not invite herself to things.
The friends should not openly discuss plans in front of other kids who aren’t invited.
The mum should have been nicer in how she said no.
It’s unrealistic to expect friendships to be permanent.

Really feel for you op and your dd. For context, although my dc have never been part of the dancing world, I have heard from other mums that it can be full of bithchiness and cliques.
I hope your dd is ok, she did nothing wrong, and the other mum should've phoned not texted

If they are treating her like this there’s a risk she is the “whipping girl” in the group and she therefore needs to walk away entirely and upgrade her friends.

Some friendship groups bond by cruelty to one of the group. Dd2 had this at 13 it was heart breaking. She walked away fast with her dignity. Was on her own for a while (that was fun) and has now rebuilt. She is now centre of the super cool group which her old “friends” are desperate to be included in - but are not. They can fuck off actually.

I think it’s best to either invite everyone in a friendship group or just one or two. It’s not nice to include everyone except one person. However, what others do is not in our control. We can control how much energy we put into our friendships though and that should match how those friendships make us feel.

Dance classes can be the most horribly unfriendly and bitchy places unfortunately and some of the most ignorant people and their mums are usually there.
Im sorry for your DD it’s heartbreaking when they’re shy and don’t get asked to things and we try to help by telling them to get involved. If your face doesn’t fit in some cases then it is simply not your fault - but heartbreaking all the same. Sounds like it’s not your daughter who needs to learn manners but I would say she had a lucky escape. Could have been awful for her if she’d been “ allowed” to go

Agree with @XelaM i would absolutely have not let my child uninvite a supposed friend 15 minutes before a party. Unless there was a really good reason for it (your daughter is some kind of brat or bully which doesn’t not seem the case?) What world are we living in if we can’t teach our child to have basic manners, kindness and respect for others. You daughter probably hasn’t done anything wrong, and has unfortunately found her first frenemy, happens the quiet ones I’m afraid but if you teach her to love herself no matter what she’ll come out stronger as an adult rather than a little sheep. And fair play to her for inviting herself, if I found out a group of my friends were having a secret get together, I would feel I like I needed to at least question why or invite myself somehow to see if it was just an oversight.

please don’t allow your child to chase this girl, teach her self respect.

OP Children are often fickle and rather cruel. I have come across this numerous times as a teacher and I am always struck by how the parents support their kids no matter what whilst if this was their own child being excluded would be up in arms about it. I agree with you that the other parent should have told her dd that if she didn't want to invite your dd, she should not have been talking about the sleepover in front of her. She did and that means that it would be hurtful to not invite her. It is a lesson in how to behave. I would have told my dd that she makes the best of it or there would be no sleepover full stop. However, I would be in the minority as many will make excuses for their kids.

It's just so sad. No child should feel that hurt. Your poor girl.

You know what, at least she didn't go and slowly realise she was unwelcome. That would have been horrible.

Time to rethink her friendship circle and hobbies.

I'm a huge fan of paediatric therapy for girls this age. They all need a tool kit for times like this.

Your dd sounds lovely, OP and I think it’s good this has happened now so you can keep an eye out for this friendship, it seems pretty one sided. It might be a one off, but it seems bizarre given the fact there was no inclination of there being any issues within the friendship.

I, like you, wouldn’t have rung another parent, 15 minutes before telling them their DC wasn’t actually invited, especially one who seems to be a friend. Surely, if there was an issue, this would have been known about well before? Who knows.

Your DD sounds like she’s taken it well though, so hats off to her.

Neither of these is objectionable. However, if a group of adults in (say) a workplace chatter about a party they're all having in front of one or two people who haven't been invited, that is rude.

Yes - thank goodness for some sane views. Disappointment/blame should have been laid squarely at the door of the DM and the girl educated about empathy.

Just finished listening to the Auggie & Me Wonder stories and this sounds like something out of those books... definitely need more 'Choose kind' in the world rather than 'Choose to believe I have the right to do what I want, even though it involves crippling another person's feelings'.