Aibu to be angry about this - dd left out group/party

[Lago1]

So a bit of background, my daughter is a lovely, yet shy and reserved child, who has been dancing for a few years with a group of girls and has grown in confidence around them. One particular girl, she sees as a good friend and they share another hobby which they do weekly together. This morning at dancing she hears some of the others discussing a sleepover and asked in front of the mum if she can join and the mum says of course. She comes home excited and gets her things ready, then I received a text 15 minutes before I was due to drop her off saying I'm sorry dd doesn't want her to come. Now I know maybe she shouldn't have asked but it was nice to see her confidence and she would have not even considered that her friend didn't want her there and probably thought of it as an oversight. There were no excuses made, and not even any effort to try and protect her feelings in this all. I am so sad for her. Aibu to feel really pissed off?

I did challenge the 'all girls are like this, best buddies again soon' narrative by saying no I don't agree as my kids aren't generally like this, they know they can't pick up and drop their friends (and if they did i would be speaking to them about it)

And you have just told the other mother the truth, and not unreasonably.
Next time she won't be such a wet blanket and might actually involve herself with actual parenting, and not her lame version of it. Her dd definitely needs to be gently told not to behave like a brat quite frankly or they are setting up for a lifetime of difficult relationships.

The other mother is minimising - it is in her interests to do so. Good that you called her out. Stand by your dd and continue to call her out.

Her dd definitely needs to be gently told not to behave like a brat

We don't know that she did behave like a brat though?

She didn't invite Op's daughter & didn't want her there when her mother mistakenly said Ok.

It is incredibly brattish talk to others about a sleepover with other children standing there that are invited.

What part of that are you struggling to understand? You are usually far more astute than this on MN, so I can only assume it is a raw nerve. It is not okay to talk about your sleepover in front of uninvited children. Full stop.

**It is incredibly brattish to talk to others about a sleepover with other children standing there that are NOT invited.

What part of that are you struggling to understand? You are usually far more astute than this on MN, so I can only assume it is a raw nerve. It is not okay to talk about your sleepover in front of uninvited children. Full stop.

Full stop?😂😂😂😂😂😂

I'm not struggling to understand.

I don't think it's "brattish" for kids to be excitedly discussing stuff.

Your "Full stop" doesn't persuade me otherwise.

No I absolutely did NOT mean the OP......but then I think you already knew that!

If your kid is 'excitedly' going on about their event in the company of other uninvited children it is very poor form. Most people will not agree with you.

We will have to agree to disagree.

I can see now why the playground becomes a battleground of mean girls when they are not raised properly. It is not their fault if their parents lack basic manners and etiquette. It is a parenting failure.

It's not brattish at twelve, unless they're all an extremely young twelve, in which case OP's DD assuming that she'd be invited too would only be in keeping with the overall direction of the group. But what year 7/8 kid truly hasn't realised that talking openly in front of a person about something to which they're not invited will mean that they either get upset or assume, as OP's DD did, that they too are okay to come?

I suspect it was just deliberately bitchy. Twelve year old girls are very capable of behaving like this - perhaps some people didn't have the joys of experiencing preteen friendships like this, but I did, and I remember how it hurt (and how my own mum had no truck with this sort of shit if I tried to pull it).

If I were you, OP, I'd be encouraging your DD away from these girls. At best, they're thoughtless, and at worst, they're entirely too mindful of the hurt that they've caused. I also would look askance at sleepover girl's mum for not squashing the behaviour thoroughly. There are posts on here all the time from women who find that other women in their friendship groups haven't grown out of this bollocks, and parents like this are part of the problem.

I am late to this conversation, but I would like to say that your daughter did nothing wrong (she’s 12 ffs) and the other mother’s behaviour is really, really awful.

In the first place she should not have allowed a situation in which one little girl in a dance group was excluded when she must have known that the sleepover would inevitably have been talked about excitedly at the class. I would not have allowed this in the first place.

When she was put on the spot, she obviously knew she had been in the wrong and agreed the child could come - quite right. Your daughter’s request was perfectly natural - she’s a little girl, and, of course, she wanted to join in the fun.

No doubt on the way home the other child complained to the other mother, and the other mother gave in. That was very wrong of her.

If this had been my child, although I think I would not have allowed the situation to arise in the first place, given that it had, I would have told the hosting girl that not only was the other child coming to the party, but if I heard even the slightest hint that my daughter had not been a good host, and included the other girl and made her feel welcome, then there would be serious consequences.

Later, returning to the initially excluded child, the OP’s daughter, it might be worth having a chat to her about how she wouldn’t necessarily be invited everywhere all the time, and although it could be hurtful, it wasn’t always polite to ask if she could come too, because maybe there just wasn’t room for everyone etc etc.

Children aren’t born understanding manners and social nuances. It’s the job of adults to teach them - gently.

tldr; the other mother behaved badly. YANBU.

We will have to agree to disagree.

I can go with that!

I don't think it's ideal behaviour-I think a lot depends or if it was deliberate or thoughtlessness.

One might have said something & others join in without thinking.

They are 12 not 2. They should automatically know better. I think you are underestimating how unkind preteen girls can be. For sure this was entirely deliberate.
The mother is weak for not pulling up her child immediately. Quite frankly if my dd was doing this she would not be having any sleepovers! You don't get to pick up and drop different friends when the mood takes you. Particularly unacceptable given the number of lifts/playdates and favours op does for the family in question. Bloody poor form whatever way you look at it.

No doubt the girl won't be called out, and she will eventually grow up into one of those hideous mean mothers at school with no real friends - just lots of fake superficiality around them and so the cycle goes on.

Would you say it's the same for adults? I think nothing of my friend from a shared hobby telling me about her wedding without inviting me (it's a small wedding 🤷🏻‍♀️). Nor DH's friend telling us a funny story from a dinner party we weren't invited to (he had invited other people 🤷🏻‍♀️). At what age do children stop being obliged to invite other children because they might upset them?

In my experience that acceptance happened naturally around 16/17 years old with my older teens, at more or less full maturity socially.

There are many a thread on here with very hurt ops regarding not being invited to weddings, parties and dinners etc and considering ending the friendship etc, so I guess it depends on how close you are, how much you mean to each other and whats acceptable.

My extensive outer ring of friends and I talk all of the time about stuff that we are all not all invited to and no one cares. My inner circle wouldn't dream of getting married without their closest friends being present, and it would be unthinkable to have a milestone without them. So I guess it just depends.

You don't get to pick up and drop different friends when the mood takes you.

By the sounds of things though the friendship is already one way.

And this is where I think that Op should have already stepped in & perhaps her daughter wouldn't have made the mistake of inviting herself.

But not inviting someone to something doesn't mean that a friend has been "dropped".

I do think that the mum handled it very badly-but there's an awful lot of assumption about motive, tantrums, brats & mean girls being attributed to these kids.

It's horrible.

I am so sad to read some people's comments on this. It does not matter what age it is, this is an awful thing to have happen. Whether you should have been open and honest I do not know but I cannot bear the way girls do this to one another. Why? Sure, your DD should not have invited herself along but why on earth were the girls discussing the sleep over in her hearing? How cruel and unkind. Personally I do think the mother should have told her daughter to suck it up and learn not to be so callous as to discuss a sleepover in front people she wasn't inviting to join it. Plus - why invite a large group and only exclude one person? We see so many tee shirts with the slogan BE KIND yet read story after story like yours suggesting people remain callous and unkind

Why is it unfair to blame the other mum?

She is an adult and lied to a 12-year-old to get herself out of an awkward situation.
The 12 year old asked to come innocently, expecting that the friend she sees regularly would want her there.
Instead of ringing up and explaining, the Mum waited until 15 minutes before the child was leaving, bags packed, to come to the sleepover before saying bluntly don't come. If she didn't want her to come she should have said so. It would have been easy to say there's no room this time, but maybe in the future, and that would have let the child down gently.
The other mum's behaviour made the whole situation worse.

I agree with you!

Harsh of them to be talking about it in front of your daughter. If she thinks she’s part of the group then of course she’s going to want to be invited. I would be hurt for my child if this was ever to happen to any of mine.

I really cannot believe how mean grown adults are about a 12 year old child, cop on. She heard the talk about a sleepover and wanted to be included who wouldn’t be! The mother concerned needs to grow a backbone it’s an awful thing to do on a child at short or long notice. I wouldn’t be doing her any favours!!

That must have been so hurtful and upsetting. I think the girls mum could have been a little sensitive, party girl too. Sounds like not a real friend to me.
Perhaps try and encourage your dd to be more careful and never to ask as well being more aware of who she trusts in future. I hope she was ok x

I remember having a bestie at that age who let me down on numerous occasions in favour of other school friends. I withstood years of it. It actually did nothing for my character other than a low level feeling of not being good enough. In this respect, I think what you did in telling her the truth was a good thing and just help to manoeuvre her towards other friendships where she can enjoy the same respect that she gives.
Even now, I’m very conscious of anyone getting left out when my child is in a group and I think it’s sad the amount of people who really don’t care about this kind of situation and feelings getting hurt. You’re better off recognising this type of friend and keeping your distance. We’re all different and tigers and butterflies don’t often play together for obvious reasons!

I would also be really upset . So what if she invited herself? She is only 12 and thought they were friends . If I were the mother I would tell my daughter that she is coming now and she will have to ‘lump it ‘ and to be kind . I would be encouraging other friends and definitely not having her over to my house again

I really feel for you and your DD, she clearly thought they were good friends and would be no problem her going. It bought back a memory, when I was a slightly younger age than your DD, I had friends round for my birthday, one was a bit shy and didn't want to join in one of the games we were playing, I said 'oh well you'll have to sit on the side' she burst in to tears and my Mum had a right go at me! It did make me think about other people's feelings..I feel your DD's Mum should have let your daughter come - she's happy enough for them to do things together usually. Leaving it until the last minute is mean. We've had situations where DS has had other kids invited to his birthday bashes, some we were not keen on but didn't leave them out.

Absolutely this.

YANBU. However the girls sound unkind, so your dd may have had a lucky escape. Hopefully, she can develop other friendships with nicer children.