Aibu to be angry about this - dd left out group/party

[Lago1]

So a bit of background, my daughter is a lovely, yet shy and reserved child, who has been dancing for a few years with a group of girls and has grown in confidence around them. One particular girl, she sees as a good friend and they share another hobby which they do weekly together. This morning at dancing she hears some of the others discussing a sleepover and asked in front of the mum if she can join and the mum says of course. She comes home excited and gets her things ready, then I received a text 15 minutes before I was due to drop her off saying I'm sorry dd doesn't want her to come. Now I know maybe she shouldn't have asked but it was nice to see her confidence and she would have not even considered that her friend didn't want her there and probably thought of it as an oversight. There were no excuses made, and not even any effort to try and protect her feelings in this all. I am so sad for her. Aibu to feel really pissed off?

i agree… me too

Poster listens to what Jordan Peterson has to say. That just sums up why you shouldn’t pay the blindest bit of notice to anything they post.

She should've taken the hint and not invited herself, and likewise the mother should have inisisted that once she gave the invite she shouldn't have gone back on it. I know it's not 'her' party but this isn't 16 year olds we're talking about, at that point she can set the rules.

It’s fine @Lago1 I would feel got at too, especially the posts minimising the mother’s behaviour and putting the blame on your dd when you’ve explained several times that the group works with kids asking their friend’s parents etc.

I think the only thing I would comment on is your discussion with the mother. It would have been better to stick to her unkind behaviour rather than commenting on her dd’s as what you’ve done is made her dd into the ‘aggrieved party’ rather than your dd, which is going to be harder for your dd to come back from and may end with the girl being spiteful to your dd.

In the past, when people have treated dd badly, I have tended to withdraw rather than say my piece. Sometimes it is no good deed goes unpunished.

@Lago1 ppl are blaming an adult’s actions on a child ‘inviting herself‘ to a party that, going by their friendship, she would have been invited. The other mum was a bit of a coward if you ask me. She could’ve said “oh let’s go see your mum’ in response and told you what was up, rather than lie. The other mum is an adult, it’s not about prioritising her dd, she chose to lie and then take hours to backtrack. It was mean.

*she could reasonably expect to have been invited to, is what I mean @Lago1

Read the thread, the OP has already said that it’s completely normal for the kids to ask parents as it’s the parents who get to decide about play dates etc. So they often ask parents , and spontaneous play dates are arranged. Obviously the difference here was this was a prearranged party, but the OP’s DD didn’t necessarily understand that. There was no manipulative intention. Your posts are way off the mark- and yes, victim blaming. This is a 12 year old child.

You are understandably hurt on your DD’s behalf but you aren’t privy to their friendship dynamic. I’m confused at your upset about the mother not sugar coating the reason your DD was not invited but stating that you not sugar coating it was a lesson in character building.

I don’t know what is going on between your DD and this girl but I don’t agree with the sentiment that this girl is somehow morally obligated to invite your DD.

Huh?

When I was 18 and just finishing A Levels at college, a group of us were sitting and chatting when talk turned to one girl's end of college party. I knew nothing about it, but apart from one awkward glance from the party girl to me, she carried on talking about the party with the others.

It was pretty mortifying to realise I wasn't invited, even though party girl and I got on well.

However, I was 18 and able to rationalise it. If that had happened when I was 12, I would have been very hurt.

Oh I see what you mean. Good point !!

But how do you know this? The mother could of assumed all was fine with ops dd coming. I very much doubt she would of said it otherwise.

I really think the mother didn't have a clue it would be an issue. She probably only realised after speaking to her own dd that it was going to be a problem. She could of been put in a real tricky situation here through absolutely no fault of her own.

We only have ops take on things and where I do feel for op and her dd, I also feel for the other mother too.

Surely if the mother knew deep down it would of been an issue she would of made up an excuse? Or spoken to the op separately? The only think that makes sense to me if that the mother had spent the hours before the sleepover trying to reason with her own dd, gave up and then sadly had to send the text to say she couldn't come. At the end of the day it's in her home, she's responsible for all these children and this child wasn't invited anyway.

I don't think it's helpful to paint either child as the bad guy, it was a series of misunderstandings by the other mother that caused an awful situation of OP's dd finding out she wasn't actually welcome after all at the last minute.

It's possible the hosting girl was having a theme or activity that OP's dd wouldn't enjoy or that it was too late to include anyone else in, it's better to feel upset at home than be the one person not in a matching costume or watching season 2 of a TV programme that everyone else has watched season 1 of and are full of theories about. It's not wrong to have your less squeamish friends over to watch a scary movie or your friends who love makeup for a pampering evening.

Hopefully this will blow over and they may all become friends again but it's worth emphasising that dd can be kind without putting up with bad behaviour and she can choose her own guest lists for things and not everyone needs to be invited to everything.

That's bad behaviour from the mum then, giving OP and her dd 15 minutes notice.

If her dd was adamant that OP's dd couldn't come, then she should have called OP asap.

If her dd was non-commital about OP's dd coming, then she should have told her dd that you can't mess people around like that, and that she will have to make OP's dd welcome on this occasion but not to invite her in future (and also be aware that this means she will no longer be invited to sleepovers at OP's dd's house).

What I mean is there is something clearly not right with this friendship dynamic. Who knows what it is. It's not unusual though at this age. Ops dd sounds like a lovely girl so it could be something really trivial. Who knows.

But it's unfair to expect the mother to know exactly what's going on in the friendship group. There has to be a reason why the ops dd was uninvited at the last minute it's unfair to place all the blame on the mother.

Wow as if this thread is still going! Is anything new even being said or is it just the same messages over and over... I don't think we are all going to agree here so when is this going to end 😂

@Obki how do you know the mother hadn't been spending time exhausting herself trying to reason with her own dd with 15 mins left?

Having said that, I agree with you. I would be having strict words with the child too.

Equally her dd hasn't messed anyone around has she? The ops child invited herself.

The kid is 12. She thought the group were her friends and couldn’t understand why she hadn’t been invited.

Yes, she is 12 not 6! She should understand by now that she does not always going to get invited to everything, and certainly know that no invitation means she is not on this occasion welcome..
I disagre that the girls should not speak about it in front of her.I think its musch more hurtful when she finds out (and she would) that it has been kept a secret from her
I imagine the mum went off, wondered where the heck they are going to squeeze in an unexpected extra guest and what they are going to feed her . The daughter said I don't want her there anyway because ( valid reason)
. Mum has reflected and thought bugger it, why should we all be put out by someone who is cheeky and rude enough to manipulate us like this.

I think that sums it up nicely @user29 👌
But of course it's all someone else's fault that her child has no awareness

Good grief! Some of the comments on here are beyond disgusting. Labelling the behaviour of a 12 year old as "rude", "manipulative" etc. whilst the supposed adults posting such comments are being so unpleasant and rude is hypocrisy at its best.

@Lago1

my stomach dropped just reading your post, I imagined it being my own child that happened to and I felt sick- you’re not being unreasonable at all.
I hope your daughters ok, and you sound like a very caring loving mum ❤️
Itll be a story to tell her in years to come, when she’s upset about something happening to her child (it will happen, all kids will go through some sort of hurt feelings) she’ll probably have long forgotten by then, because it tends to hurt us more than them!

Did you mean OP? I can see she’s called a 12 year old girl’s behaviour “bitchy”, “mean”, “appalling” and “rude”.
Beyond disgusting indeed.

@Fancylike just scrolled through my posts to make sure and no I haven't, not once. I said the parents behaviour was appalling and rude - I said the way things turned out was a 'little bit mean', and I said when I see bitchy behaviour from MY OWN younger dd, I'm hot on stamping it out.

That’s a bit unfair @Fancylike

What happened was Jock said ‘So many pp's saying that 12yo girls are so "bitchy" and "mean". I agree with that - I'm a mother to a 13yo DD, who is definitely not without fault in her own friendship group.’

And OP replied saying ‘I have other kids and can definitely see how some of their behaviour could be bitchy and I'm very hot on being aware and trying to prevent this behavior.’.

So you have taken what OP out of context, implying OP called dd’s friend ‘bitchy’, which she hasn’t.

@Mummyoflittledragon yes I'm a little bit annoyed with myself for even saying anything, although I didn't comment on her dds behaviour directly, I did challenge the 'all girls are like this, best buddies again soon' narrative by saying no I don't agree as my kids aren't generally like this, they know they can't pick up and drop their friends (and if they did i would be speaking to them about it). I can see why that is in a round about way a criticism on her dd, but it wasn't meant like that and emotions were high at the time.