Aibu to be angry about this - dd left out group/party

[Lago1]

So a bit of background, my daughter is a lovely, yet shy and reserved child, who has been dancing for a few years with a group of girls and has grown in confidence around them. One particular girl, she sees as a good friend and they share another hobby which they do weekly together. This morning at dancing she hears some of the others discussing a sleepover and asked in front of the mum if she can join and the mum says of course. She comes home excited and gets her things ready, then I received a text 15 minutes before I was due to drop her off saying I'm sorry dd doesn't want her to come. Now I know maybe she shouldn't have asked but it was nice to see her confidence and she would have not even considered that her friend didn't want her there and probably thought of it as an oversight. There were no excuses made, and not even any effort to try and protect her feelings in this all. I am so sad for her. Aibu to feel really pissed off?

@Obki except the OP changed the narrative , she was asked if she spoke to the mum about the arrangements pages ago but didn't reply until now , how odd
Yes absolutely @Kissingfrogs25 but they didn't so here we are...

OP said yesterday at 12.39pm, which was pages ago. Why are you saying she hasn’t replied until now?

The lack of manners or courtesy to call and explain from the mother, even after I'd apologised for the invite, which I did do at the time, is rude at best.

OP said below yesterday (that should be)

She was asked three times @Obki before she decided to eventually reply, I find the whole thing odd

No one is coming over brilliantly.

The other girls were perhaps rather tactless, but if they barely know your dd they might have no idea she expected to be included.

Your dd was either cheeky or naive to invite herself.
Also I think it’s obvious that asking the parent directly is because she knew the other girl would say no.

The other parent was railroaded into agreeing. I imagine she didn’t want to be unkind in public. She certainly messed up.
I also think there was a day of scenes/negotiations which concluded in the panic text.

This all needs to be minimised. It’s done now. I think your dd has learnt a sad lesson.

Invite other friends over and prioritise other friendships. Maybe slightly lower your expectations of 12 year olds.
Have a sleepover soon.

She did post the thread in the early hours (1am), maybe she missed a couple of posts?

I’d give the benefit of doubt.

at the same time ignoring why some of the traits displayed in this incident may make her unwanted at a specific sleepover

This is BANG out of order.

No @Obki she added it once it was pointed out to her that when she found out her daughter asked if she could go too why didn't she contact the mum to check on the arrangements
I think it's a load of bollocks now but I'm enjoying the made up extra bits
Shows imagination

But surely the mother should have stopped the conversation immediately. Not allowed them to discuss it in front of a child who was normally a part of the group but hadn't been invited on this occasion?

OP - lots of people made mistakes on Saturday- the girls discussing the sleepover where your dd could hear, the other mother not checking with her DD if she actually wanted your DD to go to the sleepover without asking her first, and your DD for inviting herself.

You can only deal with the bit your DD did wrong - and she needs to know that under no circumstances do you ever invite yourself to someone else’s social event. (And your examples when it might be ok for adults are also not ok. But I think you probably know that too.)

kids sadly often have to learn this social stuff the hard way.

I think its BANG ON THE MONEY

I am trying to envisage a situation whereby any of my 4 DC at secondary school age, if not invited to something wpuld have approached the child's parent to wheedle an invite. I can't. It is very atypical behaviour for a 12 year old.
I was watching a Jordn Peterson talk about this the other day and how some people never grow out of thinking the way to deal with everything is to run to an authority figure rather than sorting things out themselves. They never grow out of tattle-taling and we see a lot of this on MN (i am not talking about child abuse or serious crime obv) people wanting to report their neighbour to HMRC for ecample. for something which does not involve them at all, and convincing themselves they are doing it for good motives.T

The OP is teaching her daughter kindness.
Also, she never disagreed w the point about dd inviting herself. however her dd was always kind, included this girl in everything, and assumed reciprocity. cancelling last min like that, discussing a party she’s not invited to.. unnecessary at best..

People on this thread who keep going on about the girl asking for an invite are just ridiculous and nasty. In the real world, it happens all the time that kids spontaneously ask if they could come/stay over at friends' houses and it's not akin to a wedding invite that has to be sent out months in advance. It's absolutely 100% normal to ask a friend/her mum if she could also come for a sleepover.

If you read the thread you will see OP has already elaborated on the context-
her DD wasn’t telling tales at all.

OP has posted: upset about the stark rejection of her 12 year old child.
Your response is to say no wonder the child was rejected because she’s so socially abnormal/ undesirable?? (Based on very little information about this child, her character, the context).

I’m appalled.

I'm surprised that people think a group of 12yr olds discussing this is such a big deal.

12 is plenty old enough to realise that you won't be invited to everything.

Op's daughter wasn't he only one not invited so it doesn't sound as if the girls were being deliberately spiteful.

No but she is normally part of this group, has had the other girl over for sleepovers, shares lifts etc.

The sleepover shouldn't have been discussed in front of her.

Poor form to stand there talking about it knowing op's dd was not invited. My dds have always known not to do that. It is pretty basic and should be mastered around 10/11 or earlier.

I have red the thread, thank you. I think it is you who haven't read my post, or at least not with any degree of comprehension

I didn't say her dd had told tales. I said .
that it was unusual to go to the parent to wheedle an invite at 12 years old. I mean why not raise it with the kid directly?
It is the same mindset as telling tales.Run ning to to the authority figure !

The OP said her daughter struggles in social situations and then write in length about how she struggled in this specific social situation, to the point where she went to an adult to get her way. The OP doesn’t mention any adult shutting down the sleepover chat, so DD has waited for adults to be around to ask the parent, bypassing the other child who may have given a response she didn’t want. Or are you insulting the DD’s intelligence here by saying that move wasn’t deliberate?

Do you not understand why someone who uses parents to intervene in social situations that she can’t navigate, may be quite a way down a list of potential invites?

That is the whole point or have you just decided to jump on without actually reading anything?. She was NOT part of that friendship group, That friendship group go to another school and are friends, just so happens they all go to dance.

I've said loads of times she ask to come in a response to a conversation, there was no intention of going above the child or seeking out an authority figure, everyone is reading way too much into a kid asking if they can join in whats being spoken about.
Also , do people think I'm sat here waiting for replies and picking up on every single question and replying instantly.
My dd has been called socially awkward, manipulative, a wet blanket and I've been told it's no surprise she's not wanted by her mates. What a lovely bunch of people! Thank fuck we don't have the pleasure of knowing you in real life.

Blimey Op. I think that you have had loads of supportive posts as well as some unpleasant ones.

Aibu is a bear pit at the best of times!

Hope that your dd has got over her upset. Teenage girls and friendships are a nightmare.

I don't know how to edit but obviously that's not aimed at everyone, just those that have been nasty. I've said over and over, aswell as being very grateful for the supportive messages, I'm thankful for those that have provided constructive criticism.

But she did ask the other girls mother if she could go! She didn’t ask the other girl and then leave it to her to speak to her mother. She did ask if she could go.

but this is a lesson in why that is not ok. It put both the other girl and her mother on the spot. It’s ok not to invite everyone.

perhaps speak to DD about why she asked the other girls mother not the girl if she could go. Then talk around why that isn’t a kind thing to do.

Do you know what- at this stage with what you’ve written this is just getting victim blaming level.
The kid is 12. She thought the group were her friends and couldn’t understand why she hadn’t been invited.
The person she asked was an adult who could have and should have said no at that point but was too fucking cowardly to say so, so basically cut her down via text telling her she wasn’t wanted.
Kids are learning and all sorts happen. Adults should know better and be better than this. Appalling behaviour from the other mum.
Do not blame the child for this ffs.