Aibu to be angry about this - dd left out group/party

[Lago1]

So a bit of background, my daughter is a lovely, yet shy and reserved child, who has been dancing for a few years with a group of girls and has grown in confidence around them. One particular girl, she sees as a good friend and they share another hobby which they do weekly together. This morning at dancing she hears some of the others discussing a sleepover and asked in front of the mum if she can join and the mum says of course. She comes home excited and gets her things ready, then I received a text 15 minutes before I was due to drop her off saying I'm sorry dd doesn't want her to come. Now I know maybe she shouldn't have asked but it was nice to see her confidence and she would have not even considered that her friend didn't want her there and probably thought of it as an oversight. There were no excuses made, and not even any effort to try and protect her feelings in this all. I am so sad for her. Aibu to feel really pissed off?

It's understandable that you are struggling to see this from any other point than your child's because she's your child. But, really, she was cheeky to ask and the mum was wrong to say yes without checking. None of this is the fault of the other 12-year-old who is getting hammered by people on here.

But your dd shouldn't have invited herself along.

And before you say anything, it's not the same as joining mates in a trip to the pub.

I had friends over at the weekend. They stayed over. I wouldn't have wanted - and didn't invite - another friend because when they come the dynamic is off and I wouldn't have room for them to stay.

If one of the other invitees had invited them I'd have said "I'd prefer if you didn't bring Sally. Can you let her know I'll do something with her another time".

Your dd invited herself and that's the issue really? The Mum was just being polite and probably contacted you as soon as she realised it wouldn't work.
It was your call to break it to your dd as you did and you seem waaay too involved in the whole thing.
Honestly play it down. Encourage your dd to invite other friends over and play it a bit cooler with this girl and move on.
The teenage years will be very hard if you don't

From looking at this thread it seems like a lot of teenage girls actually never grow out of this mean girl shit.

Find it so weird that the same people saying that it's important for girls not to be people pleases, to pick their own friends, protect their own boundaries and leave out whoever they want when they want, are stigmatising your daughter as pushy and lacking social skills because she asked a simple question instead of internalising the assumption that it is OK for her to be rejected and excluded without challenge

If people 'get my point' but just don't agree with it that's fine, that's why I posted to get varied responses, so point taken that there are 2 sides to every story and the other girl has rights too.

I totally agree with this. Sorry Op as it's not nice for your DD but she put herself in this position in the first instance.

Also, unless they're all very young 12 year olds, I don't know any children that age who ask their friends parents if they can join in etc - children of that age all arrange it directly between themselves with no parental involvement (other than the person doing the organising will have presumably got their own parents permission to invite people round but the children being invited wouldn't ask the friends parents anything about it).

I think you're just expecting other children to be a grown up as your child apparently is. It doesn't work like that. Some children are way more mentally developed, way more mature than others. Just because you are trying to teach your daughter to be and act a certain way doesn't mean all children can and should be like that. And you absolutely shouldn't expect this. Children come from all different backgrounds, have experienced different things in life, possible trauma. Not all children are going to be like your daughter.

My dd is much more mature and socially developed than her best friend. She can see right from wrong easily. She wouldn't of treated your dd badly. However she struggles in school and lacks confidence.

Her best friend struggles massively. She's not the nicest of girls at times, can be rude and tries to control the group of friends. However she is much more academically able than my daughter, she has a lot of drive in her. Knows what she wants. Very intelligent and will probably have a good career.

Is she your oldest daughter?

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You failed to mention that previously when asked

It was a bit impolite and socially awkward of the child to invite herself.

But it was EXTREMELY rude and socially awkward (at best) of the others to talk about the sleepover in front of someone who wasn't being invited.

And it was even ruder and more socially awkward (at best) of the mother to first invite her and then cancel at the last minute and saying 'my daughter doesn't want you'. It would have been much less hurtful to have said at the time that the arrangements had already been made, and there wasn't room this time.

The OP's dd didn't just happen to learn about the sleepover and try to invite herself. She was responding to the other girls' chattering about it in her presence.

Totally agree. So many people so self absorbed and selfish. This post just highlights it. If you are putting others feelings first you are door mat apparently

@ddl1 eh ? The mother didn't invite her though

We do have different opinions on this. I wouldn't ask if they would mind if I tagged along. They would invite me if they wanted me there. It would be rude to put them in the position of having to say no. What if one is having marriage problems or wants to talk about something personal they're struggling with or needs to vent about someone at work I'm involved in? If I invited myself along it would ruin the evening they had planned.

The mother didn't invite her though?

She didn't spontaneously invite her, but she said 'of course you can come', which amounts to an invitation, and then cancelled in a rather cruel way at the last minute.

It may be the other girls invited might have some other common denominator besides dance. Maybe they all do another activity together?

She didn't spontaneously invite her, but she said 'of course you can come', which amounts to an invitation, and then cancelled in a rather cruel way at the last minute

It is immaterial whether the other girls are best friends, do a million activities together, the onus is most definitely on the adult to cancel an invitation 15m before the event. That to me is the unforgivable part here. 12 year old girls will be immature, their decisions ill judged, and it is that moment when we as parents step in and say we don't leave friends out dd, she is invited now so we are going ahead. And no you must not talk about sleepovers or arrangements in front of others that are not invited - that is epitome of mean and rude behaviour. Unless children are guided how on earth are they to know?

So this is a parental failure in my view.

I am a relaxed parent with many decades under my belt, and I would not stand for this and it would be a cold day in hell before this girl/her mother were given lifts or playdates etc in the future. We would be on 'nodding' terms only from now on.

Given OP’s description of her daughter as being so naive, innocent, gentle, and her reaction to immediately involve an adult to get invited, plus the age group, I would think this group may be more mature in interests. Perhaps they want to gossip about boys and crushes, or make TikToks but are aware that DD isn’t interested in that yet and still preferring playing with dolls. Which is fine but makes her less of an option for a sleepover. Maybe she involves adults like she did here or is a rigid rule follower, which could make her a wet blanket.

Hopefully you can move on from this perceived slight, OP, and not makes things worse.

That isn't what 'invite ' means. Invite means the host requests the invitees presence

@Lago1 I've realised after two messages that I haven't said that I do sympathise with your DD. If it hasn't happened before, she might not have realised that she wasn't invited because they didn't want her there. It's a difficult lesson learned.

I think a gentle conversation with your DD about etiquette with invitations wouldn't go amiss. I also think the other girl's mother could do with explaining how it can be mean to discuss plans in front of someone you haven't invited to an event. Though as she grows up your DD will just have to learn that sometimes you don't get invited to things. It's not a reflection on her, friendships and interests will change as she gets older.

@Lago1 a PP mentioned that as the text was quite short and curt, and really near the time to go, it may have come from the girl (and her friends) on the mum's phone.

Could this be a possibility? Do you know the mum well? Is she usually abrupt like that and doesn't sugarcoat things?

Most adults would probably try to think of an "acceptable" excuse like they'd just realised how many their DD had invited and sorry there wasn't room but let's arrange another time. Not just said their daughter didn't want your daughter there!

Oh give over , that's not an invite , that's being put on the spot, she should have said no but it wasn't an invite by any stretch of the imagination
What world do you live in ?

I agree. When OP spoke to the mum to make sure it was ok if dd could come, THAT was the time for the mum to say ‘actually, I was put on the spot then but on reflection I don’t think we can invite dd on this occasion’.

Doing this FIFTEEN minutes before the sleepover start time is cruel.

Oh for heavens sake! Any parent of average intelligence would handle this with ease. It really it is on you if you are going to host exclusive sleepovers leaving out other children to handle the fall out.

A simple ' We would love to have you over next time' would do.

I agree.

So much nastiness towards a 12 year old that didn't mean any harm.

I would actively avoid any parent that would behave in such a way.

Fortunately IRL most parents are kind and treat the children of other parents the way they would wish their children to be treated.

And the op says her dd asked in front of all the parents and children, so the mother probably didn't want to publicly humiliate op's dd.