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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be angry about this - dd left out group/party

877 replies

Lago1 · 30/10/2022 01:15

So a bit of background, my daughter is a lovely, yet shy and reserved child, who has been dancing for a few years with a group of girls and has grown in confidence around them. One particular girl, she sees as a good friend and they share another hobby which they do weekly together. This morning at dancing she hears some of the others discussing a sleepover and asked in front of the mum if she can join and the mum says of course. She comes home excited and gets her things ready, then I received a text 15 minutes before I was due to drop her off saying I'm sorry dd doesn't want her to come. Now I know maybe she shouldn't have asked but it was nice to see her confidence and she would have not even considered that her friend didn't want her there and probably thought of it as an oversight. There were no excuses made, and not even any effort to try and protect her feelings in this all. I am so sad for her. Aibu to feel really pissed off?

OP posts:
PrestonNorthHen · 31/10/2022 06:24

Obki · 31/10/2022 05:48

The other girl only told dd she wasn’t invited AFTER her mum texted OP to say she couldn’t come.

It’s not like the other girl told dd she couldn’t come and THEN dd went up and asked if she could come.

Show quote history

" Told" as in inferred.
No invite tends to mean the other party doesn't want you to go.

My DC would understand this and although might be sad , wouldn't go and ask to be included.
Unfortunately the DD has found out in a very harsh way as a result and been rejected.

Hollypups · 31/10/2022 06:28

diddl · 30/10/2022 21:45

although I would like to think my kids wouldn't have so little self control that they couldn't help but to be mean and exclude someone that they are friends with.

But your daughter wasn't excluded.

She, along with other friends wasn't invited to this particular thing.

^ This.

You can’t be invited to everything in life.

Mary80 · 31/10/2022 06:51

Hollypups · 31/10/2022 06:28

^ This.

You can’t be invited to everything in life.

Show quote history

If you paid attention, that’s absolutely not the point of the OP. & She’s had quite a balanced view throughout this discussion

PrestonNorthHen · 31/10/2022 06:56

Mary80 · 31/10/2022 06:51

If you paid attention, that’s absolutely not the point of the OP. & She’s had quite a balanced view throughout this discussion

Show quote history

The whole point😆is that had the Op taught her DD the basics then the whole drama and fall out wouldn't be happening.
However I'm getting the feeling that some people play out their issues via their DC and thrive on this type of thing.

WhatNoRaisins · 31/10/2022 07:05

Doesn't sound like any of the teens behaved well here. It could be that the girls mum had to make the best out of a bad situation and didn't want the OPs child at a sleepover where other girls were going to be mean to her.

You should teach your children kindness but you have to teach it by modelling it. It's not something that can be taught by forcing someone to "be kind" to someone they don't want to spend time with.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 31/10/2022 07:26

The mum is clearly not someone who I share morals with as I could never be so harsh as to tell someone my kid doesn't want theirs around, without any kind of explanation

Just a thought, but if you have always gotten on with the mum and it was out of character for her to be so blunt, could it possibly have been her dd who sent the text?

Original poster
Lago1 · 31/10/2022 08:01

@ZeroFuchsGiven no, there was a little back of back and forth, I said oh so sad for dd- but if she's not welcome it's best for her not to come- she said this is the nature of preteen friendships, I said i didnt really think this is the nature of preteen friendships and I couldn't imagine my children being ok with letting a friend down like that and causing that sort of hurt - she didn't really seem to care, not even an apology.

OP posts:
Fancylike · 31/10/2022 08:01

Lago1 · 30/10/2022 19:28

@Cherrysherbet @Elsamit
It seems some on this thread are expecting my dd to have a degree is psychology/ sociology and be analysing behaviour, looking into for social cues ect when she's literally just a kid who's thought I'd like to go to my mates with the others, so I'll ask. The misjudgement in doing that, I think is so slight.

Perhaps you should try extending some kindness to the other 12 year old girl involved then, who was just trying to have a sleepover with her chosen friends. She’s not “bitchy”, or “mean”, for choosing a group of girls that didn’t include your daughter, among others.

You’re the one who has been emphasizing your daughter’s lack of social development, and at the same time ignoring why some of the traits displayed in this incident may make her unwanted at a specific sleepover.

pastatriangles · 31/10/2022 08:05

Lago1 · 30/10/2022 21:07

But it is different because they are adults. You can put on a friendly face around someone you don't particularly get along with or want around you for a few hours.
@bettyfreddy but that's the thing if there was any inclination the girls didn't get on or had to tolerate each others company I would understand. She doesn't not get on with any of them.
And of course I would not want her to go where she's not wanted, it's just such a shame that her friend didn't want her - point taken there could have been a number of reasons, im still annoyed but will let my daughter lead with what happens next, but I won't be going out of my way to encourage the friendship any more. The mum is clearly not someone who I share morals with as I could never be so harsh as to tell someone my kid doesn't want theirs around, without any kind of explanation.

When I was 11 or 12 my 'best friend' at the time had me over for a sleepover where we planned her birthday party together.

Then a week later she uninvited me - I think it was a case of invitations going out and and rumours and me realising I wasn't invited anymore. There were no issues between us, it was just a power play. Excluding between girls is so common at this age and it is a power and superiority thing.

She later said I was invited again, but my mum told me I should keep my pride and not go, and I said no.

This kind of thing happens all the time and it can be heartbreaking, but you just need to support her through it and encourage nicer friendships. I think the people who are pretending it doesn't have either forgotten, are being deliberately contrary/obtuse, or are cosplaying as the popular girls themselves.

WhatNoRaisins · 31/10/2022 08:06

OP do you consider yourself to have had a normal teenage experience because your expectations for these girls just seems a bit off.

Original poster
Lago1 · 31/10/2022 08:06

@Fancylike I'm not ignoring anything, i have taken everything on board from the posts that come across politely and seems like genuine advise, even if it is disagreeing with me. I will ignore the judgy posts that are insulting a 12 year old child with no tact - they are not the sort of people I want to be taking advise from.

OP posts:
MRex · 31/10/2022 08:13

Lago1 · 31/10/2022 08:01

@ZeroFuchsGiven no, there was a little back of back and forth, I said oh so sad for dd- but if she's not welcome it's best for her not to come- she said this is the nature of preteen friendships, I said i didnt really think this is the nature of preteen friendships and I couldn't imagine my children being ok with letting a friend down like that and causing that sort of hurt - she didn't really seem to care, not even an apology.

Oh dear, you have burned all the bridges already then. Do you understand that you were telling her off and being very harsh about her daughter in that message? Appreciate you were upset, but she was keeping it as "that's kids" and you escalated significantly.

You still didn't answer how many were at the sleepover, is there a reason you're dodging that question?

Original poster
Lago1 · 31/10/2022 08:26

@MRex I obviously am trying not to be too specific, so the above message exchange was the jist of it not word for word- i also reiterated my apology for my dd asking. It wasn't just a few kids, I don't know exactly, maybe some were just hanging out and others staying. I think when my dd asked, she was actually only asking about going round and was told of course and then bring your sleeping stuff you may aswell stay over too.

OP posts:
Fancylike · 31/10/2022 08:32

Lago1 · 31/10/2022 08:06

@Fancylike I'm not ignoring anything, i have taken everything on board from the posts that come across politely and seems like genuine advise, even if it is disagreeing with me. I will ignore the judgy posts that are insulting a 12 year old child with no tact - they are not the sort of people I want to be taking advise from.

Ok so the update on your conversation with the other mum demonstrates where this lack of tact comes from. You do realize you are now being rude and judgmental about the other children by saying your precious daughter could never be so cruel as you seem to think her child has been. There’s a lack of self awareness in criticizing posts pointing out your daughter’s social misstep, while judging other children for theirs. You have no idea if the other mother has been trying her best to accommodate and include your daughter previously, and this forced invite may have been too much for the other girl to handle for a full day and night event.

Your child will continue to have a difficult time with friendships if you continue to behave like this. This is a small incident that you are trying to make into something traumatic.

Original poster
Lago1 · 31/10/2022 08:37

If you were amongst a group and your husband for example had said another person could come over to your house party, would you really tell that person as they are basically on there way after they have been getting ready, that you don't want them there? Especially when you have been happy to go to their house parties.

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 31/10/2022 08:48

It would depend on the dynamic of the group. If there were other people already invited that would object very strongly to their presence and I could not resolve that then yes, as a last resort, this may be the best option.

And I agree, people aren't judging your 12 year old, they are commenting on the behaviour that has been described.

Original poster
Lago1 · 31/10/2022 08:56

@WhatNoRaisins but I can't see that the others would object to her presence so strongly, she is friendly with the group and if she had done something offensive I'd expect to be told that's the reason.
I have taken constructive criticism on board, im not trying to make a drama, I've barely mentioned it to my dd.

OP posts:
cairnsarethebest · 31/10/2022 08:59

Lago1 · 31/10/2022 08:37

If you were amongst a group and your husband for example had said another person could come over to your house party, would you really tell that person as they are basically on there way after they have been getting ready, that you don't want them there? Especially when you have been happy to go to their house parties.

Would depend on who the person was and if there was any "history".

bettyfreddy · 31/10/2022 08:59

Lago1 · 31/10/2022 08:37

If you were amongst a group and your husband for example had said another person could come over to your house party, would you really tell that person as they are basically on there way after they have been getting ready, that you don't want them there? Especially when you have been happy to go to their house parties.

I'm sorry op but you really do have to stop comparing a group of 12 year olds to a group of adults. It's not the same thing.

Especially when you're making a point of 'she's only 12'. That goes for her friends too - they are the same age. You can't compare a group of children to a group of adults.

JanetSally · 31/10/2022 09:00

The other mother seems to have handled it very badly and with no tact whatsoever. I'm not sure what her daughter has learnt from this but it certainly isn't how to consider others feelings.

BadNomad · 31/10/2022 09:02

Lago1 · 31/10/2022 08:37

If you were amongst a group and your husband for example had said another person could come over to your house party, would you really tell that person as they are basically on there way after they have been getting ready, that you don't want them there? Especially when you have been happy to go to their house parties.

You keep coming up with these scenarios as if people just don't understand what you're saying. People do. They just don't agree with you.

In this scenario, other person should not have asked if they could come to a party they weren't invited to. Husband should have consulted with wife if it was her party. If the other person's presence is unwelcome on this occasion, for whatever reason, wife was right to make husband sort it out, seeing as it was his cock-up. Wife should not have to "suck it up" just because other people overrode her wishes.

cairnsarethebest · 31/10/2022 09:03

Also what @bettyfreddy said.

It's not the same as my partner inviting someone. He has equal say over who comes into the house and if we were having an event we would have discussed who was coming. Plus. We are adults. If there was someone I really didn't want there I'd have discussed it with him beforehand.

Kids don't do that and parents, at 12, aren't involved in their friendships. Not in the same way that my OH knows who my friends are and I who his are.

cairnsarethebest · 31/10/2022 09:03

And what @BadNomad said.

If my partner invited someone I didn't want there I'd tell him. And expect him to sort it out.

Original poster
Lago1 · 31/10/2022 09:05

@bettyfreddy how many posts of here have said, would you invite yourself somewhere, or along those lines - obviously comparisons aren't exact but if your taught at 12 by your mum it is okay to do that, then it sets precedent.

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 31/10/2022 09:06

At 12 I'd expect that there could be a lot of stuff going on that you and the other parents aren't aware of. Most girls that age won't be telling their parents everything.

If say your DD has done something objectionable they may not have the maturity to talk about it in a sensible way and get it out in the open. It's really not as simple as her being friendly to everyone and everything being ok. Maybe she comes across as less mature, in my experience girls this age can be very mean about that.

I know it's not easy but she's not a little girl anymore and there are going to be new dynamics for you both to get used to.