Page 22 | Aibu to be angry about this - dd left out group/party

Lago1 · 2022-10-30T00:15:51+00:00

So a bit of background, my daughter is a lovely, yet shy and reserved child, who has been dancing for a few years with a group of girls and has grown in confidence around them. One particular girl, she sees as a good friend and they share another hobby which they do weekly together. This morning at dancing she hears some of the others discussing a sleepover and asked in front of the mum if she can join and the mum says of course. She comes home excited and gets her things ready, then I received a text 15 minutes before I was due to drop her off saying I'm sorry dd doesn't want her to come. Now I know maybe she shouldn't have asked but it was nice to see her confidence and she would have not even considered that her friend didn't want her there and probably thought of it as an oversight. There were no excuses made, and not even any effort to try and protect her feelings in this all. I am so sad for her. Aibu to feel really pissed off?

Original poster

Lago1 · 30/10/2022 21:49

@diddl this was in response to the posters saying if the mum had allowed her to go, there would be the risk of my dd being pushed out and the girls being mean to her. I'd like to think the decent children wouldn't do that, even if she was just there because of a series of unfortunate events and it was too harsh to cancel 15 minutes prior.

OP posts:

whumpthereitis · 30/10/2022 21:50

fairywhale · 30/10/2022 21:46

OP, mumsnet is sometimes full of people with no empathy or regard for other people's feelings (aka psychopaths) some of the responses are shocking.

Also full of people with a taste for melodrama.

actually I imagine mumsnet is quite representative of people as a whole, rather than merely being representative of the norms of any one person’s social circle.

bettyfreddy · 30/10/2022 21:50

Lago1 · 30/10/2022 21:40

@bettyfreddy fair enough, point taken - although I would like to think my kids wouldn't have so little self control that they couldn't help but to be mean and exclude someone that they are friends with. Everyone keeps saying at the point she asked if she could come, she should have known she was not wanted there. I wouldn't jump to that conclusion as an adult if colleagues were speaking about drinks, especially if they were my friends, I would just think / hope I just wasn't around when they were arranging it especially if the people in question have form for last minute / impromptu get togethers.

I'd like to think the same for my kids too but that's my kids. I can't expect the same for others even if they are spending a night at my home.

For the record I wouldn't of done what this mum did. But I can only imagine she thought it would be fine until maybe speaking to her dd later on and realising it wasn't putting her in a really awkward situation too. I could be well and truly wrong but I think it's important to try and look at it from both perspectives.

I wish your dd all the best, she was very brave to ask in the first place and I'm glad this hasn't upset her too much.

BadNomad · 30/10/2022 22:03

user29 · 30/10/2022 21:48

There's a big difference between tagging along to a public bar and inviting yourself to sleep the night in somebody else's home!!

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I don't think either is ok. If you're not asked, you don't go. Asking just puts the onus and pressure on the organiser to "be kind" or be a cunt. I don't think that's fair.

user29 · 30/10/2022 22:08

BadNomad · 30/10/2022 22:03

I don't think either is ok. If you're not asked, you don't go. Asking just puts the onus and pressure on the organiser to "be kind" or be a cunt. I don't think that's fair.

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True!

MRex · 30/10/2022 22:14

OP - you still didn't say how many were invited to this gathering?

AltroVinoPerFavore · 30/10/2022 22:17

Emily fits with the siblings names better. So does Anna. Jane is a bit too dull.

How about Lilian?

AltroVinoPerFavore · 30/10/2022 22:18

Wrong thread! Ignore!

Stompythedinosaur · 30/10/2022 22:36

I'm sorry your dd was upset, but I think the root of the problem was her inviting herself. I think the answer is to see if you can coach her a bit around her social skills (you can't ask to be invited) and give her some narratives to help with her feelings when she isn't invited (most people have limited space so they can't invite everyone).

JennyJenny8675309 · 30/10/2022 22:37

Tandora · 30/10/2022 14:59

😂😂😂 honestly I’m not the least bit ‘old fashioned’.
i really don’t think “group dynamics” are the most important thing here. I think it’s ok to teach children about reciprocity , kindness and ‘the more the merrier’. These are pro social values. Why are people so intent on raising selfish and uncaring humans?

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If treating others kindly is old fashioned then that’s the way I’d choose to handle parenting situations like this. I cannot believe some of the replies here.

user29 · 30/10/2022 22:45

and of course there is a (fairly strict) limit to the number of guests who can practically and safely be accommodated at a sleepover

StrongCoffeeAvalanche · 30/10/2022 22:50

I cannot believe the poster who think YABU 100% YANBU. Did the mum give no further explanation?

I would probe. But sneakily. 'Oh wow, my daughter was all packed and ready to go. It must have been a hard text for you to write. She must have done something really awful to be uninvited so soon before the event, can I ask what happened so that I can have a word with her if needs be?'

But obviously with no intention of actually talking to your daughter, unless something does come out the woodwork.

KimberleyClark · 30/10/2022 23:00

JennyJenny8675309 · 30/10/2022 22:37

If treating others kindly is old fashioned then that’s the way I’d choose to handle parenting situations like this. I cannot believe some of the replies here.

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Neither can I, but it’s fortunately not the first time I’ve seen posters excusing nasty bitchy behaviour in young girls on the grounds that it is “protecting boundaries”.

JennyJenny8675309 · 30/10/2022 23:06

KimberleyClark · 30/10/2022 23:00

Neither can I, but it’s fortunately not the first time I’ve seen posters excusing nasty bitchy behaviour in young girls on the grounds that it is “protecting boundaries”.

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i was a teacher for many years. I’ve seen enough of this type of behaviour to know it most likely was not a mistake that they were talking about the sleepover in the presence of the girl being excluded. Focusing on the girl “inviting herself” is ridiculous. This was meant to be unkind and it definitely was.

Kanaloa · 30/10/2022 23:21

JennyJenny8675309 · 30/10/2022 23:06

i was a teacher for many years. I’ve seen enough of this type of behaviour to know it most likely was not a mistake that they were talking about the sleepover in the presence of the girl being excluded. Focusing on the girl “inviting herself” is ridiculous. This was meant to be unkind and it definitely was.

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If there’s any chance they did all this on purpose to torment the girl then of course that’s awful - but in that case that’s even more reason you wouldn’t want your child at a sleepover with them. If I thought a group of girls (some of whom didn’t even know my daughter) had premeditated a sleepover party and secretly agreed to talk about it in front of her so she would ask to come and they could the reject her, the very last thing I’d want would be for her to then be included by force in the party of girls who (without even knowing her) were choosing to deliberately upset her.

ImustLearn2Cook · 31/10/2022 00:51

@Lago1 Don’t second guess yourself because of the responses on this thread.

Social media platforms like this attract all sorts of people. You never really know who is behind this post or that post. It could be a group of teenagers entertaining themselves by pretending to be parents or some kind of expert in whatever field making up stuff to be deliberately provocative. There could be people motivated by some kind of hatred or contempt wanting to hurt or manipulate someone. Then there are the genuine posters who are absolutely giving their honest opinions and genuinely wanting to be helpful.

I for one absolutely agree with you. I don’t know anyone who would be ok with being set up to believe that they are welcome only to be told that they are not welcome minutes before they are going to arrive. Most people I know would be understandably upset at being treated like that.

There is a big difference inviting yourself to an organised event, wedding, birthday party etc. and asking can I come too for a more casual social get together like a sleepover at your friends house.

But even if someone has inappropriately asked for an invite, it does not deserve that kind of response and that level of unkindnesses.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 31/10/2022 03:28

cairnsarethebest · 30/10/2022 16:24

Just because the girl has slept over at yours doesn't mean the other girl considers her the same "level" of friend as your dd does her.

I think you're spot on - and evidenced by the mean girls behaviour.

Cheeseandcrackers86 · 31/10/2022 04:12

Stompythedinosaur · 30/10/2022 22:36

I'm sorry your dd was upset, but I think the root of the problem was her inviting herself. I think the answer is to see if you can coach her a bit around her social skills (you can't ask to be invited) and give her some narratives to help with her feelings when she isn't invited (most people have limited space so they can't invite everyone).

Funny how things are interpreted by different people because it looks to me like the root of the problem was the other 12YO who (probably deliberately) talked about a large sleepover in front of OP's dd. This in the context of dd clearly considering her a friend and her and her mum being kind and gracious enough to offer her regular lifts to their hobbies and to have had her over at their house for sleepovers in the past. It seems like then when this cruelty backfired on her she behaved like a little brat until her mum's kindness had to be retracted.

It's funny how OP is being gaslighted to think that the only problem her is her dd not being taught social skills. The other little madam needs to also be taught social skills. At least OP's daughter just made a minor social faux pas. The other 12YO's mistakes make her a massive bitch. It's obvious which parent will be having the most problems in the long run and it's obvious which pps are allowing their girls to turn into mean girls under the guise of 'boundaries'...

Mary80 · 31/10/2022 05:08

JennyJenny8675309 · 30/10/2022 23:06

i was a teacher for many years. I’ve seen enough of this type of behaviour to know it most likely was not a mistake that they were talking about the sleepover in the presence of the girl being excluded. Focusing on the girl “inviting herself” is ridiculous. This was meant to be unkind and it definitely was.

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Exactly…

Mary80 · 31/10/2022 05:10

Cheeseandcrackers86 · 31/10/2022 04:12

Funny how things are interpreted by different people because it looks to me like the root of the problem was the other 12YO who (probably deliberately) talked about a large sleepover in front of OP's dd. This in the context of dd clearly considering her a friend and her and her mum being kind and gracious enough to offer her regular lifts to their hobbies and to have had her over at their house for sleepovers in the past. It seems like then when this cruelty backfired on her she behaved like a little brat until her mum's kindness had to be retracted.

It's funny how OP is being gaslighted to think that the only problem her is her dd not being taught social skills. The other little madam needs to also be taught social skills. At least OP's daughter just made a minor social faux pas. The other 12YO's mistakes make her a massive bitch. It's obvious which parent will be having the most problems in the long run and it's obvious which pps are allowing their girls to turn into mean girls under the guise of 'boundaries'...

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Absolutely! 100%…

Mary80 · 31/10/2022 05:12

ImustLearn2Cook · 31/10/2022 00:51

@Lago1 Don’t second guess yourself because of the responses on this thread.

Social media platforms like this attract all sorts of people. You never really know who is behind this post or that post. It could be a group of teenagers entertaining themselves by pretending to be parents or some kind of expert in whatever field making up stuff to be deliberately provocative. There could be people motivated by some kind of hatred or contempt wanting to hurt or manipulate someone. Then there are the genuine posters who are absolutely giving their honest opinions and genuinely wanting to be helpful.

I for one absolutely agree with you. I don’t know anyone who would be ok with being set up to believe that they are welcome only to be told that they are not welcome minutes before they are going to arrive. Most people I know would be understandably upset at being treated like that.

There is a big difference inviting yourself to an organised event, wedding, birthday party etc. and asking can I come too for a more casual social get together like a sleepover at your friends house.

But even if someone has inappropriately asked for an invite, it does not deserve that kind of response and that level of unkindnesses.

Exactly..

Mary80 · 31/10/2022 05:28

JennyJenny8675309 · 30/10/2022 22:37

If treating others kindly is old fashioned then that’s the way I’d choose to handle parenting situations like this. I cannot believe some of the replies here.

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I agree.. kindness is what this world needs.
And the social etiquette of the girl who talked about the sleepover, in front of the girl who included her and welcomed her always, is just not questioned by many but the OP’s dd is… v strange… quite sad..
but also the tone taken her to address the OP.. shocking.. like medieval times

Obki · 31/10/2022 05:48

PrestonNorthHen · 30/10/2022 19:25

Does your DD struggle with social skills, misunderstandings/ communication Op?

The thing here is that the other girl had " told"" DD that she either didn't want her to come or there was another reason such as group dynamic simply by not inviting her.

Your DD has pushed the boundary of this girl and found out in a much more brutal way that she wasn't welcome.
We all have a set degree of sensitivity to rejection and it would have been far better to teach your DD that we aren't invited to everything and that it's for all sorts of reasons, mostly not related to us but to the other person and so we don't question it by overstepping.

The other girl only told dd she wasn’t invited AFTER her mum texted OP to say she couldn’t come.

It’s not like the other girl told dd she couldn’t come and THEN dd went up and asked if she could come.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/10/2022 06:06

Obki · 31/10/2022 05:48

The other girl only told dd she wasn’t invited AFTER her mum texted OP to say she couldn’t come.

It’s not like the other girl told dd she couldn’t come and THEN dd went up and asked if she could come.

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I was also going to pick up on this post after I got to the end of the thread and you beat me to it. It doesn’t sound as if op’s dd is missing social cues. It sounds more like the girl hosting the party either lacks boundaries and tact or was specifically trying to be mean by discussing the party in front of a child, she has decided not to invite.

At 12, children should know better than to discuss get togethers front of friends not invited, especially if only one is left out. And if one is left out, it seems more deliberate than anything else. Moreover, the parent shouldn’t let it happen in the first place.

A poster upthread said her dd had 3 different get togethers for her birthday to accommodate different friends. My dd has had 2 in the past for the same reason. In this situation, I would have encouraged my dd to do 2 smaller sleepovers rather than one large one and include different children at different times.

The way the mother handled it makes me think she isn’t teaching the old fashioned values of grace and kindness. The text 15 minutes beforehand was cutting. To be clear, I’m not talking about #bekind.

Whoopsywoo · 31/10/2022 06:24

Cheeseandcrackers86 · 31/10/2022 04:12

Funny how things are interpreted by different people because it looks to me like the root of the problem was the other 12YO who (probably deliberately) talked about a large sleepover in front of OP's dd. This in the context of dd clearly considering her a friend and her and her mum being kind and gracious enough to offer her regular lifts to their hobbies and to have had her over at their house for sleepovers in the past. It seems like then when this cruelty backfired on her she behaved like a little brat until her mum's kindness had to be retracted.

It's funny how OP is being gaslighted to think that the only problem her is her dd not being taught social skills. The other little madam needs to also be taught social skills. At least OP's daughter just made a minor social faux pas. The other 12YO's mistakes make her a massive bitch. It's obvious which parent will be having the most problems in the long run and it's obvious which pps are allowing their girls to turn into mean girls under the guise of 'boundaries'...

Show quote history

Exactly this. There’s times when my daughters not wanted certain people to come to things and if in a situation like this she’d know my rule would have been if your going to talk about it then she will come.
some mums do everything their child wants regardless of what’s right. These girls are normally covert bullies.
i can’t imagine my child would have the heart to let a child down last minute like that.
mid prob encourage your daughter to put a big smile on and not to act bothered op - her time will come. It’s a harsh lesson on the dirt of friendships we want abs the sort we don’t! Also don’t want mums that condone that sort of behaviour x