Aibu to be angry about this - dd left out group/party

[Lago1]

So a bit of background, my daughter is a lovely, yet shy and reserved child, who has been dancing for a few years with a group of girls and has grown in confidence around them. One particular girl, she sees as a good friend and they share another hobby which they do weekly together. This morning at dancing she hears some of the others discussing a sleepover and asked in front of the mum if she can join and the mum says of course. She comes home excited and gets her things ready, then I received a text 15 minutes before I was due to drop her off saying I'm sorry dd doesn't want her to come. Now I know maybe she shouldn't have asked but it was nice to see her confidence and she would have not even considered that her friend didn't want her there and probably thought of it as an oversight. There were no excuses made, and not even any effort to try and protect her feelings in this all. I am so sad for her. Aibu to feel really pissed off?

Sorry, I meant I'd apologised for her saying 'oh can I come'

She may be a friend, but not the close one that your DD considers her to be. It’s awkward but friendships can often be imbalanced in that way, with one party being more invested than the other. It doesn’t mean that the less invested one doesn’t consider it to be a friendship, or that they’re wrong for not feeling the same level of closeness.

Thanks for varied responses sometimes when your in the centre of it with your child hurt, it can cloud judgement. I think there are lessons to be learnt all round.

Exactly. This is where the problem initiated and at 12 you should be learning to have a bit of tact and sensitivity.

No you can't. It's not the same situation at all.

This morning at dancing she hears some of the others discussing a sleepover and asked in front of the mum if she can join and the mum says of course. She comes home excited and gets her things ready,

Your daughter should be old enought to learn to not ask to be invited to things. She asked the parent putting her in a difficult position if the friend didn't want her there. Also there are other things to consider, such as how many children the mother was willing to host. Your daughter should have waited for an invite or you should plan a sleepover for her to host.

I think you should set her expectations regarding this. The other mum is not at fault and maybe just said yes when put on the spot, or assumed her daughter wanted your DD there when she didn't. They have no obligation to have her over.

Maybe that's where you're going wrong. Friendships are not always permanent and this one might not be. Teaching your DD that they should be permanent may lead her to cling on to friends who are not really good for her long term.

I feel kind of sorry for the other mum, tbh.

The girls are talking, OP's daughter asks "Can I come too?" and the mum says yes, assuming it's not a problem. Then once on her own with her daughter she discovers - probably to her horror - that no, the other girl(s) do not want OP's daughter there and dig their heels in that she shouldn't come because she wasn't invited.

I'd be absolutely mortified. I'd also not want OP's daughter to come and be ignored or treated rudely by any of the other girls, or cold-shouldered. I think the text was a "oh Christ how do I deal with this" panic response.

It's rotten on OP's daughter and OP is rightly hurt on her behalf, but it was a chapter of unfortunate interactions rather than cruelty.

OP, this girl sees your daughter as a rainy day friend, not a close friend. A pal to hang out with when there's nothing better to do.

@LuckyLil I used the wrong word, I didn't mean permanent, I just encourage them to be inclusive where possible and if your friends your friends, not just as and when it suits.

I think this tells me all I need to know really.
Why would your daughter be unkind to the girl if YOU had said she can come?
Yes she was invited - not initially no, but afterwards the adult said YES of course. That’s an invitation to attend!
I would agree with all you have said if the adult hadn’t said yes to the child.
When she said yes she should have stuck to her word. Why would your daughter be mean to the other child? Are her friendship group so horrid that they would single someone out during a sleepover?
Yes in a selfish world we all just say what we want when we want and ditch each other and to hell with anyone else. But we arnt savages. We have feelings and empathy. We think about more than our wants.
You have served yourself over the years and prioritised yourself (to the hurt of others??) If that’s so, I wonder how others perceive you? Kind and would do anything for any body? Make the world a better place in some small way? Shows empathy to those in need and distress? Puts others before them self? Or the opposite of those things? Maybe you don’t care how others see you. That’s fine. But I do care. I want to be kind and considerate to others around me especially children.
In no world would I have told a shy 12 year old who was friends with my daughter yes of course you can come and then ‘no we don’t want you’ later on. If my own dd had said to uninvite them I would be teaching her that on this occasion I’ve said yes so we will go with that.

I suppose the trouble with getting views in RL @Lago1 is that whoever you speak to is very likely to agree with you. They will be your friends and family and see the hurt and want to protect DD as you do.

Whereas on MN you will get the truth 😁I hope your DD is ok. She will learn at least 2 valuable lessons - not to ask for an invite and not to waste time on people that only take and not give.

I must say your responses have been excellent and you have taken the criticism well - not sure I would have, I would still be raging (and thus cause more problems no doubt 🙄)

But sometimes you’ll want to hang out with X friends, and other times Y friends, depending on different factors. It doesn’t mean you’re not friends with X when you’re with Y, or vice versa.

it does seem strange that your daughter, at 12, asked the mother rather than her friend. I wonder if she had asked the friend initially and she tried to be diplomatic by saying her mother didn’t want any more people than had already been invited. At which point your DD asked the mother and the resultant mess meant the truth came out.

You can tell the people who were left out as a child on threads like these

She asked kind of in front of everyone, the girls are always coming up to the parents, can x play at mine or can I come play with x, it's not unusual amongst the group for them to kind of ask in front of parents / kind of directed to the parents as they know in most cases their friends would like them to play, but it's ultimately up to the parents. I genuinely don't think she had any clue she would not be wanted and just kind of presumed it's up to the mum. It wasn't a sneaky, I'm going to seek out party girls mum because she won't say no.

But your dd knew she had not received an invitation and went ahead and basically invited herself. She doesn't sound shy or reserved and certainly not well-mannered. I think sadly she got her just desserts!

Thinking about this, when I was that age (10-12), I had a group of four or five friends but we didn't all do everything together. Sometimes one person wanted to invite one other, or two others to something. So sometimes one or two people were 'left out'. We all understood that people had different individual and 'small group' friendships with each other. So sometimes it did feel a bit like being 'left out' but mostly not.

I realise there are many variations in group types and dynamics and I may be barking up the wrong tree. It sounds possible to me though, as though OP's DD but also perhaps OP herself, lacks that subtle awareness of group dynamics and the existence of sub-groups and of group fluidity.

The friend has said OP's dd had done nothing to annoy her, she just isn't invited this time. I'd take that at face value. Making a huge fuss will make your dd seem needy and insecure - which will drive others away.

I think your dd put the mother is a really awkward position, with her rather socially inept (for her age) self-invitation.

Kids are individuals in their own right, and many would be pissed off if their mother rode roughshod over their wishes in order to rectify her own fuck up. It wouldn’t take much for the resentment to leak out towards the source of the issue, or for the host child to just be unhappy on a night they were otherwise looking forward to until their mother meddled. Forcing inclusivity isn’t really a recipe for a good night.

lol, yes of course, the line between female humans and savages is found in service and nothing else. Bollocks. It is indeed a fact that you can’t always please everybody else as well as yourself all the time. Sometimes you’ll put yourself first, and other times you’ll out others first. The fact that on this occasion the girl asserted herself does not mean that she fails to ever consider others.

I would certainly not want to be considered someone that would do anything for anybody. At all. That’s a green light for every grifter and piss taker tbh, and no, I would not take pride in being considered essentially a doormat with tits. Some people will consider me in good terms, and others won’t. I imagine it’s the same for most tbh. Either way, I’m quite happy with my life and my relationships. I’ve never been inclined to put much thought towards the latter group tbh, if people don’t like me then they’re quite free to hold that opinion, and to choose not to engage with me 🤷🏻‍♀️

If I choose to put others before myself then it’s because I actively want, and have chosen, to, not because I’ve been shamed into it.

Why would your daughter be unkind to the girl if YOU had said she can come?
Yes she was invited - not initially no, but afterwards the adult said YES of course. That’s an invitation to attend

Sorry, No it is not an invitation in anY way, shape or form.

Why would your daughter be mean to the other child? Are her friendship group so horrid that they would single someone out during a sleepover

I never said anything about anyone being mean, I said her presence might be resented because it was forced upon them and the reason she was not invited in the first place.

Shows empathy to those in need and distress

Who the fuck is in distress? The Op's daughter is not an abused stray puppy!

In no world would I have told a shy 12 year old who was friends with my daughter yes of course you can come and then ‘no we don’t want you’ later on. If my own dd had said to uninvite them I would be teaching her that on this occasion I’ve said yes so we will go with that

So your own daughter's feelings don't matter and you force her to invite someone she deliberately didn't invite in the first place and ruin her night? How is that showing your own daughter kindness? You do what I say because it is kind even though it is YOUR fault for agreeing without checking. So you make your own daughter unhappy to make another child happy who wasn't invited in the first place? Emmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm oK THEN.

@Sometimeswinning i disagree. We have half of the ‘story’. No one has a clue why this other young lady has said no. Yes it’s awful to see your child upset but sometimes there’s more to it. I agree that the other mum should not have said she could come over, that said she may not have been aware there was an issue. My own DD is quite capable of getting things wrong sometimes and upon reflection and some questions with advice has come to realise what went wrong between her friendship group and how she contributed. Long and short of it is no child should be forced to have someone in their home, their safe space if they don’t want to. There are obviously better ways of dealing with it but as I said we only have one side to the situation.

@whumpthereitis You have nailed it.

I don’t know any ‘shy and reserved’ 12 year olds who would invite themselves to a party in this way.
The two just don’t go together.

Obviously the other mother has made a mess of things but that’s partly because of the child’s rudeness in inviting herself and putting her on the spot.
There’s clearly some backstory amongst the girls.

Best to move on, work on other friendships, and learn from this mistake.

It was quite a big party, I don't know if that makes any difference, it's not like it was just 2 or 3 girls, in that case I could understand more. But agree no one should feel forced to have someone in their home they don't want, I just can't imagine any of my kids would ever use the word 'forced' to describe having a friend round.

The way you describe your DD makes her sound much younger than she is.
At 12 mine just arranged their own friends coming over.
My DS would text his mates with " Park?"
Can so and so come to play sounds 8/9 .
Maybe this is the issue?
Perhaps they find her a bit immature, particularly as asking in front of everyone is really lacking in social skills.

Shy and reserved people can become comfortable around people, which is what has happened in daughters case. As I said before it's not uncommon to come back from dance with an extra child or 2 and it's not uncommon for my dd to not come back with me because the girls have asked on the spot. She didn't see this as any different to the usual asking to play at each others houses.

Or go to each others houses maybe not play, I may not be reciting the exact wording used.