Aibu to be angry about this - dd left out group/party

[Lago1]

So a bit of background, my daughter is a lovely, yet shy and reserved child, who has been dancing for a few years with a group of girls and has grown in confidence around them. One particular girl, she sees as a good friend and they share another hobby which they do weekly together. This morning at dancing she hears some of the others discussing a sleepover and asked in front of the mum if she can join and the mum says of course. She comes home excited and gets her things ready, then I received a text 15 minutes before I was due to drop her off saying I'm sorry dd doesn't want her to come. Now I know maybe she shouldn't have asked but it was nice to see her confidence and she would have not even considered that her friend didn't want her there and probably thought of it as an oversight. There were no excuses made, and not even any effort to try and protect her feelings in this all. I am so sad for her. Aibu to feel really pissed off?

I have to say OP, you have been very gracious and understanding of other people's points of view. Some of it has been hard reading, mine included but you have not taken offence and flounced which is usual on threads like these.

The fact she didn’t see this as different kind of shows she has some difficulty understanding social cues

But sometimes you’ll want to hang out with X friends, and other times Y friends, depending on different factors. It doesn’t mean you’re not friends with X when you’re with Y, or vice versa.

Exactly. This is probably an entirely benign situation, that OP is turning into a friendship-ending conflict, on her poor dd's behalf.

Well, she's learned not to invite herself now hopefully. It's rude and will also lead to disappointment.

@lottiegarbanzo I'm not turning it into anything I'm posting on an anonymous forum to get different view points so i cam try and deal with in the best way

@Theydoyaknow thank you, I don't mind constructive criticism, the ones that have replied with mean snidy remarks about a 12 year old child are not worth even taking note of

the girls are always coming up to the parents, can x play at mine or can I come play with x, it's not unusual amongst the group for them to kind of ask in front of parents / kind of directed to the parents

There's a world of difference between asking parents after the other child has invited them and asking a parent instead of waiting to receive an invitation / making a joint plan with the other child.

I think you'd be wrong to alter your attitude towards the other child. She's done nothing wrong here. She didn't seek to exclude your child, she just chose not to include her this time. That's ok, it's normal.

As I said earlier, I do wonder if you're projecting your own 'more the merrier' preference onto everyone else - and setting your dd with false social expectations - rather than recognising that some people are habitually more selective with their invitations than you are.

i find this so strange. Surely the girls mum should have just said she’s invited- end of. Why does the 12 year old get to decide? What a terrible way to bring up a child. I’d never let my child be awful to another girl like that. Am I the only parent who feels this way??

Interestingly close to 50/50 on the aibu vote

@Tandora everyone in real life would agree with you (and me)

Really, Would the 400 odd people that voted unreasonable send a text saying 'my child does not want your child to come' 15 minutes before a party / gathering that the child had to get ready for?

so if the other girls don't like her enough to want her to come to their sleepovers and parties, you would rather they didn't accept any lifts or invitations from your daughter or have anything in particular to do with her?

It still seems to me like they see her as a not-so-close friend, which in the real world is what happens at times. If you think it's all or nothing, that they can't leave her out if she is in their friend group, well the alternative seems to be to say that she's not in that friend group, merely dance-class-mates.

It sounds like they don't partiuclarly think of her as in their close group and wouldn't generally plan to invite her to something like this. She either has to accept being on the periphery of this group but friendly with them at times, and make her close friends elsewhere, or have nothing to do with them. It seems more practical to say friendly and possibly on the periphery, as it might then develop into more close friends over time. But it doesnt' mean that they are wrong by not wanting to include her all the time, which is still what you seem to be implying. I think you and/or she think of them as closer friends than they do, and you have to decide if you're OK with that.

No I wouldn’t I would of turned her down straight away with an excuse of space.

Are you genuinely asking why a 12 year old gets to decide who comes to HER party?

You're really escalating here. This is a one-off and you've mentally had DD moving on to a new dance group! It's her friends from an activity, she has her own friends at school who she presumably sees without inviting everyone from the dance class. Calm down or you're going to really struggle when actual problems arise.

You've admitted yourself that it wasn't everyone-invited-except-DD, it was a group from a different school plus a few other close mates. You questioning the mum and DD getting the hump is what will be more likely to get her excluded for good from this group if you aren't careful to wind it in. Your DD mustn't be brought up to expect to either go to every event a friend has, or that's it cut them off, she'll end up with no friends taking that approach. Treat it as life lessons for both of you in just chilling out a bit.

You'd force your child to have someone sleep over who they didn't want there? Red flag.

I'm not saying I'm going to encourage my child to never speak to her again, just that she should prioritise other friendships that are more equal, as like many people have said it seems the other child does not consider dd as close a friend which is their right - but surely its also healthier for dd to step back from it and not continue to have the other girl for sleep overs ect if its not reciprocated.

Yes I’m seriously asking this. I wouldn’t let my 12 year old treat another child this way- I am raising my children to be kind and considerate and inclusive to others. This girl is her friend, she heard about the party and asked to come, excluding her was so unkind, especially when mum had already said yes.
yes it’s the 12 year olds party, but mum is facilitating, hosting and paying for it- therefore she has a say. This girl is 12, she is still learning how to be a social and empathic human, it is up to the mother to guide her. I’m very sorry I am the only parent who feels this way.

id be furious OP and for the sake of your DD’s self esteem distance myself from this family.

I wonder if the 15 mins before thing was because the other girl grudgingly agreed to it at the time, then later in the day made her true feelings known to her mother and it blew up into a big issue in their household.

this is where it seems a bit entitled. She's not being "made to feel like shit" - they don't have to include her, and while it's disappointing, if they don't see her as a close friend, why should they have to? It hurts her, of course it does, but it doesn't make them wrong, either.

She might want to feel part of their group, but they don't see it that way. Maybe over time they will. Maybe she annoys them in some way. Maybe they just don't know her well enough yet as a group. etc. But immediately assuming they are being mean and they are in the wrong, is going too far. People don't always have to include everyone. Are there others at the dance class that she doesn't always include? Why not? Maybe they want to be part of it too? Realistically, she probably doesn't include them because she doesn't know them as well or feel close to them or realise that maybe they desperately want to belong to her group etc. People just don't always notice everyone else and they can have different perceptions of how close they think a friendship is.

Absolutely do this. These are not good people and your DD doesn’t need to be around them x

yes encourage her to step back, but discourage the idea that it was because the other girl was mean in some way. Just emphasise that she doesn't see yoru DD as close, and that's fine. She'll find others who do. Not everyone likes us all the time.

🙄 the other girl was mean though, and so was her mother.

I feel for the other mum here. She's been well and truly put on the spot.

If I witnessed my dd doing this I would of straight away pulled her up on the fact she shouldn't invite herself to things. I then would of spoken too/contacted the mum and apologised on my dds behalf and say it's no problem if she can't come. I would never just expect it would be ok for my child to attend a sleepover she had invited herself too.

I do feel for your daughter however. It's not nice feeling left out. I don't think anyone is really at fault. It's just an awkward situation.

she might be the OPs DD friend but not for the rest of the group.

Do you honestly not understand how group dynamics work? I’d not invite a girl from school to a party with my brownies mates as a child for example.

But from your comments around other party based posts I’m not surprised by your view. You seem like a very old fashioned parent

OP, the real question is, is it usually an equal relationship?

You have her over a lot and you give lifts.

Does the other mother give lifts and does she have her over a bit too?

If it is all terribly one sided then this new information should indeed encourage your daughter to invest in her other friends more.

There is little to be gained in entertaining someone who is friendly with you for convience.

There is no need for there to be any drama, just a re focus.