Aibu to be angry about this - dd left out group/party

[Lago1]

So a bit of background, my daughter is a lovely, yet shy and reserved child, who has been dancing for a few years with a group of girls and has grown in confidence around them. One particular girl, she sees as a good friend and they share another hobby which they do weekly together. This morning at dancing she hears some of the others discussing a sleepover and asked in front of the mum if she can join and the mum says of course. She comes home excited and gets her things ready, then I received a text 15 minutes before I was due to drop her off saying I'm sorry dd doesn't want her to come. Now I know maybe she shouldn't have asked but it was nice to see her confidence and she would have not even considered that her friend didn't want her there and probably thought of it as an oversight. There were no excuses made, and not even any effort to try and protect her feelings in this all. I am so sad for her. Aibu to feel really pissed off?

It sounds like a series of awkward social missteps rather than deliberate unkindness. The OP's daughter (who has some difficulty with social interaction) sees these girls as friends, whereas they see her as a pleasant girl who attends the same activity but not one of their group. I am wondering if she asked the mum because when she hinted to the party girl that she would like to go, she may have said "Eh, no....my mum says no more people..."

The mum obviously likes your daughter and wanted to say yes, so she misjudged the situation and invited her to a party for an established group that she does not belong to. Her daughter was cross about having a random extra person invited and could not be relied on at 12 not to make the OP's's daughter feel unwelcome, so the mum cancelled. Which was problematic, but forcing her presence would also have been problematic, as the girls may have turned mean.

I just think it has all gone wrong without anyone being malicious. Hopefully the OP's daughter will find more equal friendships - it is a difficult age for many.

That's different though. This was a group arrangement by the DD's friend. Taking your scenario, if you were ALL planning to go for lunch next week except Susan, who you didn't want to come, you wouldnt mention it in front of Susan. I agree with you though that it's completely different and acceptable if it's a 1:1 thing, sometimes you just want to spend time with one other person.

I feel for your daughter, it is the most horrible feeling in the world, especially at that age, to be left out. I am sure hearing them talking about it was hard. She then decided to ask in front of the Mum to give herself the best chance of attending. Of course the Mother said yes as many of us would thinking, "ahhh what's one more added to the mix".

My guess is the child having the sleepover was not best pleased with Mum agreeing to this as she had already arranged the sleepover with the people she wanted there. Now the dynamics have changed. Maybe someone else in the group didn't want your daughter there, maybe it was the sleepover girl herself, who knows, but it is still that kid's prerogative as to who she has to her own sleepover. If she wanted your daughter there she would have been invited. Hard as that is to swallow, this is the truth of it.

You don't know the reasons why she wasn't invited. There could be any number of them but you can bet your bottom dollar it has something to do with the dynamics of the group attending.

I actually admire the Mother if I am being honest, she respected her child's wishes and laid it out straight albeit very bluntly. Given the timeline it looks like she tried her best to change her daughter's mind but to no avail. I would have been weaker in this respect and insisted that your daughter come and probably ruined my own daughter's sleepover in the process.

At the end of the day boundaries were crossed and your daughter did her best to muscle in on something she was not invited to by going straight to the Mother knowing that was her best chance. Not the shyest or most reserved behaviour in the world but this time it did not work out in her favour. Lesson Learned.

I think the mum should have had your dd over regardless. You don’t just I uninvite someone esp a child.
Sure your DD shouldn’t have asked I guess but the mum is the adult and she said yes of course. She could have said no today sweetheart or Im not sure, I will message your mum about it.
As she said yes of course then regardless of her own DD feelings, your dd should be going.
Personally for me, it would be a line that would make me step back. I would never again trust that mum or the child. I would always be wary and would be encouraging my DD to branch out and also be wary of her friend. She sounds pretty mean just to Vito your daughter coming when she knows she was told she could come. How you treat people comes from your parents and what they have shown you. In this case the mum sounds callous.

OP, also kindly meant but have you been overly facilitating a friendship that doesn't really exist and is one of pure convience to this other girl and her mother?

Because if either mother or daughter valued either of you, they really wouldn't have behaved like this.

Does this mother ever reciprocate any of the lifts or outings?

If not, it sounds as if it is a friendship of pure convience and you have been wasting time on it.

If this is the case, important to reflect on that and invest more wisely going forward.

I think it can be good to reflect on things like this and learn from it.

Your daughter may have similar experiences in the teen years where mothers are not involved at all.

All you can do is help arm her for them.

I would definitely be gently bringing up the amount of time you have invested being better spent with others going forward.

What tough lessons she's having to learn at 12. The positives can only be exploring the situation and discussing how she deals with this girl in the future.

You respect the mother for being deliberately excluding to someone who is usually in a friendship group and teaching that to her daughter?
No wonder the world is becoming more and more hostile and callous.
Treat others as you wish to be treated.
Who knows which day / month or year you might need someone to be kind and include you.

One thing that stuck out to me is that the OP mentioned her daughter is shy and reserved, and had trouble opening up to people, then later says honestly my dd is so laid back and gets on with everyone, and wonders why a group would object to having her with them.

I think it is worth pointing out that the teenage years can be tough for lovely but shy and reserved children. It isn't that their peers find them objectionable or obnoxious, just that these qualities are not considered positives at that age.

Many times I've said the 'oh can I come' was a mistake, but I don't think it's a huge mistake, when I was a kid it was always happening, off the cuff additional guests if they happened to be about.

I find that very unusual.

People making casual arrangements off the cuff is one thing but parties are always by invitation. (Though this wasn't a birthday party was it, just a social event). I wonder if you've brought up your dd with the social norms of your childhood, rather than of the community she lives within?

Also, you mention having other children. Maybe with a larger family you necessarily and naturally take a casual, 'more the merrier' approach and haven't recognsied that other families don't operate that way?

You respect the mother for being deliberately excluding to someone who is usually in a friendship group and teaching that to her daughter?

I'm not sure that Op's daughter is usually in this friendship group though.

I'm not sure that Op's daughter is usually in this friendship group though.

I don't think she is either.

I do respect her for honouring her child's wishes. The OP's daughter was NOT invited. She invited herself. That is not on. So the other child is forced into having her there when she clearly doesn't want to. How is that fair? She planned a sleepover with the girls she wanted there. Why on earth should that be upended because another child who was not invited tried to gatecrash?

Because it is kind? Because you have to do things to don't want to do so as not to upset anyone even though it ends up you being the one upset? The other girls being angry perhaps and not wanting to come if the Op's daughter attends? It upsets the dynamics. You wait for an invite and never invite yourself. Hard as it may be.

She isn’t being bullied. She just wasn’t invited to one event. But you force your daughter to meet up with a girl she admits she dislikes because you feel sorry for the child, so obviously that’s how you see children’s friendships - they should be forced to accommodate others regardless of their own personal feelings to appease you.

when they are all part of the same small friendship group

If this was true I’d agree with you, it would be horrible to leave out one of an established group.

But this isn’t the case here. They all go to the same dance class but are not a group in any other sense.

They don’t hang out as a group outside of dance class - or at least if they do, it isn’t a group the OP’s DD is part of, or she would have mentioned.

Literally no one has said the other girl wasn't within her rights to invite who she wanted.

But you don't all talk about a group event around one person who is excluded. If you do, this kind of thing is what happens, and the other girl should have accepted the consequences of her actions rather than be allowed to uninvite one girl 15 minutes before when her bags were already packed and ready to go. That is shocking.

And to everyone saying a 12 year old should know not to invite themselves to something -12 is still very young to know how to navigate social situations.

I agree, I think asking was acceptable and might have paid off in another situation. It is just unfortunate the mum didn't know the score and say "Sorry, not this time, we have too many!".

I agree , I was a socially awkward girl until I was about 11 and was frequently left out of things. I remember one of the popular boys invited nearly the whole class to his party except me! It sucked but he clearly didn’t want me there so I just had to deal with it!

A switch happened a year or so later and I suddenly became quite popular and joy of all joys I was invited to the most popular girls exclusive sleepover 😂

But because of those earlier experiences I’m very inclusive minded and tend to over-invite as an adult, and used to get stressed out if I seen kids being excluded when I taught in schools.

that said, I NEVER would have invited myself at age 9 let alone at 12 to a sleepover. This girl is presumably a dance friend as opposed to a best friend so your daughter shouldn’t have felt so comfortable to ask her. If your daughter thought her dance friend wanted her there can I ask why she asked the parent instead of the child?

I can imagine how hurt she felt though and it’s not easy being left out by someone you think is your friend.

Hi I do think it’s actual fair enough that the girl stuck to her guns though and wasn’t guilted into inviting your daughter to the sleepover. She sounds like someone who won’t have people run over her boundaries when she’s older.

The main person at fault here is the mother, she should never have accepted your daughter inviting herself and when she realised her kid didn’t want her there. She should have either pulled the sleepover altogether for another time or communicated that to you earlier.

She's only 12, she probably asked if she could come out of excitement, hearing the others discussing it. The other mum was obviously put on the spot and agreed to her coming on the spur of the moment. If I was that mum I would have explained to my daughter afterwards that I was put in a very difficult position and I'm afraid I would have to stand by my agreement to your daughter coming on this occasion. I would probably bribe my daughter with the promise of another sleepover soon and be prepared to explain to your daughter that it was for limited numbers if she tried to invite herself again. At the end of the day if this other girl is always invited along to things with your daughter and they all go to the same hobby together what's the harm in her joining the sleepover and I'd want to know from my daughter why she'd left her out in the first place. I certainly would not have told a child that she couldn't come to something when I'd previously said she could, whether she'd invited herself or not.

billy1966 · Today 01:36
Just awful behaviour.

That child is not nice.

Nice children don't do that.“

nonsense. People are entitled to spend time with different people on different occasions.

They are 12. Not adults. Unfortunately the OP's daughter overheard. It happens. it happens a lot with young kids of this age, they are excited and they talk.

It is fascinating to see the reactions to this and to see how many support the absolute right of the party host to invite who they want - and to talk about it in front of the uninvited - even if they are happy to treat as friends when they are useful to them:

A party should be a celebration, not a chance to cement one’s social status and push out those you aren’t keen on.

OP’s DD is right to focus on other friends. I hope she continues her hobbies and doesn’t let it bother her.

She did invite herself, she wasn't invited by anyone else 🙄

This is a huge non issue.
The Ops daughter is 12 not 4.
Teaching your children that they are soooo special that it's a huge blow and worthy of calling others nasty bitches/ mean girls, is ridiculous and sets up life long issues surrounding perceived rejection.
Sometimes you aren't invited, that's life !

It's similar to those Mums who call normal women going off to work etc bitches for not standing yapping everyday.
They are soon mean/ rude/ nasty but actually just running off to work,let the plumber in, walk the dog.
It's not all about you is a pretty good life lesson!

Fair enough, I take your point :)

Absolutely 100% this

YES sometimes you do have to do things you don’t want to do. You treat others with the same kindness you would like to be shown to you (or your DD)
It was a child who invited herself because it was being discussed around her. Some kids don’t have great social awareness yet and at 12 are still learning. An adult said ‘yes of course’ making that 12 year old really happy and excited that she was going to a sleep over. You do not tell that child they arnt coming when they are almost on their way round.
The other mum should have said not this time when the child asked. She is the adult here but is acting like a total wicked bitch.
The lesson should be to include rather than exclude and not to crush another child by stamping on their self esteem. The mother has basically said you are not liked. You are exluded. You are not wanted here. This is something the other child will likely not forget for a long time if ever.
I have a similar memory from the age of 8 with a friend- the feeling of hurt and rejection and I will never forget the tears of sadness from me and comfort from my mother. It’s awful.
The damage was done and the stage set when that mother told the 12 year old they could come.
Only cruel people step on others to get what they want when they want it and totally disregard a child’s feelings- treat them like a used tissue just so their own kid gets what they want like a spoilt brat. How about the mum teaching her daughter that you must be true to your word. That honesty and integrity mean something. That putting others first before yourself, before your wants, is sometimes the right thing to do.
Honestly, take me back to simpler times when people shows decency for one another and didn’t just look out for number 1.