Aibu to be angry about this - dd left out group/party

[Lago1]

So a bit of background, my daughter is a lovely, yet shy and reserved child, who has been dancing for a few years with a group of girls and has grown in confidence around them. One particular girl, she sees as a good friend and they share another hobby which they do weekly together. This morning at dancing she hears some of the others discussing a sleepover and asked in front of the mum if she can join and the mum says of course. She comes home excited and gets her things ready, then I received a text 15 minutes before I was due to drop her off saying I'm sorry dd doesn't want her to come. Now I know maybe she shouldn't have asked but it was nice to see her confidence and she would have not even considered that her friend didn't want her there and probably thought of it as an oversight. There were no excuses made, and not even any effort to try and protect her feelings in this all. I am so sad for her. Aibu to feel really pissed off?

What makes you think they’ve needed to confront the reality that they hurt her feelings? Nothing the OP has said suggests this? I think they’ve probably just had a nice sleepover with the children actually invited.

I think the fact she's received the message by text 15 mins before the party was due to start shows there's been some fraught negotiations behind the scenes.

To be texted 15 mins before is really bad form from an adult.

I definitely agree with playing things down and avoiding drama, I have thankfully reared two girls that have had drama free friendships so far🙏.

However, it doesn't appear to be a few girls from what the OP has written.

I'm reading it that it was a largish group and if the girls are sharing a dance class, and another hobby, for which they travel together, it is not surprising that she might hope to be included.

I have read that it is the OP that is doing the lifts, not a shared arrangement?

This child is happy enough to be regularly in her company accepting other invitations.

She has invited school friends and some dance friends, and the daughter isn't close enough to be included, which is fine.

But chatting about it in front of others, particularly a child that she shares another hobby with, is transported there with, and also regularly goes on other outings with, is not nice IMO.

I know my girls wouldn't do it.

If the two girls didn't share lifts and regular outings there would be no issue whatsoever, as they are just part of a dancing class and friends from it.

The girl has made her decision at 12 and it is very reasonable for the OP to revisit exactly how involved they wish to be with her going forward.

Giving endlessly is not a good basis for friendships/relationships and certainly not what I would encourage in my daughters.

As a parent I think it is quite possible to be breezy about things like this, whilst at the same time saying it's ok to be disappointed.

I wouldn't encourage my daughter to deny her upset as if she is wrong to have those feelings, far better to explore them and ask her if they really are that close and encourage her to focus on friendships where she will be included in occasions like this.

Your poor daughter. This is not unusual in 12 year old girls, many of whom will behave like this if allowed and the mum is right they’ll probably be besties next week. HOWEVER, the mum was wrong in allowing her daughter to uninvite her and should have been very clear you just can’t pick up and drop friend when it suits you,

To everyone going on about the OP's dd asking the mum directly - the OP never said she did, she said she asked 'in front of the mum' , ie asked the girl/girls in the presence of the mum. I imagine the mum quickly stepped in to avoid an awkward answer from one of the girls, but messed up with her own response.

And to everyone saying a 12 year old should know not to invite themselves to something -12 is still very young to know how to navigate social situations. She's listening to her 'friends' talking about a sleepover that she'd like to be part of too - so on the spur of the moment asked if she could come too, never imagining they'd say no. I think it was perfectly understandable that she'd have done that, in that situation, just like if they'd been talking about going to see a film or go to the park.

I don't think it's such a big deal that your dd asked if she could go, they are her friends, they were chatting about it and she probably just innocently joined in the chat and asked if she could go too, a mistake on her part but an understandable one. The mum should have said no, awkward for her but how many times do our dc put us on the spot about playdates and stuff like this, by the time they are 12 we can usually handle saying no with ease.

It's part of life though that others discuss things that we aren't invited to.

She needs to know it's ok.

She herself has different friendship groups so probably doesn't do everything with all of her friends.

They’re not her friends though

one is her friend, through a club. Many of the others were this friends school friends

I agree. It was rude and thoughtless to discuss it in front of someone who might reasonably assume she would have been invited.

And uninviting her 15 mins beforehand was horrible. The mum hasn't exactly set a good example.

Its rubbish and of course she would be hurt. I would be hurt too and I am an adult! The best thing you can do is to encourage her to focus on her other friendships. ❤️

Your DD shouldn't have invited herself, but on the other hand, the girl holding the sleepover ought to have the tact not to discuss a gathering someone isn't invited to in front of the person. If she had kept quiet, none of this would have happened. So she needs to learn that if she does that, the person not invited is either going to feel very sad or ask if they can come too.

Why did DD ask the mum not the girl. It’s not the mums sleepover. I suspect it was last minute as the mum tried to persuade her DD to have yours.
Your DD for whatever reason didn’t fit the dynamic of the sleepover party. It would be interesting to know if it was done to the friend or others in the group though. If one of the invited had said she wouldn’t come if Op’s DD did ( who wasn’t invited in the first place) it’s tricky. At least your DD has had some conversations with her friend about this. Hopefully she will get a better idea of why she wasn’t originally invited.

And at 12 as a girl feeling like you are on the outside or not part of the group CAN feel like the worst thing in the world.
particularly if you are remotely sensitive or have struggled in the past which sounds like ops dd has.it will hurt her. And it would have taken tremendous bravery to hear the girls going on about a sleepover and stepped up and said “oh sounds great can I come Becky!” Sounds like the mum new this and so said yes.being rejected there and then would have been fucking awful.
I suspect the late telling has been because the mum has told her dd she will keep her invited and finally the dd has had a fit and told her mum no!

Completely agree with this. My boys know now to discuss invites etc unless everyone they are talking to is going. I never need to remind them of this as they are kind and don't want to hurt other people's feelings. They are both younger than 12.

I wish that I had been told when I was younger to do a better job of prioritizing my own specific wants (eg where to go, what to do) over what people around me wanted to do, and prioritizing those friends I really did like and trust over other people who with hindsight I never had much in common with, just fell into friendships with.

If I could go back in time and get back all the evenings and cash spent doing things that were pointless superficial fun at best, with people who mean nothing to me, and trade it with time with my favourite people or by myself, I'd be very happy!

Some people are so horrible. Your dd is only 12 and if anyone is at fault it's the girls talking about it in front of her. The other mum is unkind and so is her daughter. There is no excuse for uninviting a child at the last minute. Your poor dd.

I don't think any of the children are in the wrong here. If a few girls are having a sleepover later in the day it would be odd not to mention it. They were probably excited and making plans, should they not talk about it? Perhaps the op's dd wasn't involved in the conversation at all and simply overheard and joined in. The only person at fault here imo is the party girl's mum, she is a grown up and should have said no.

I agree. Were I the other girl's mother, I think I would be saying- this is your fault for talking about a sleepover in front of someone who isn't invited, especially someone who is your friend. That was unkind, either you let her come now and behave nicely towards her or we cancel the sleepover for everyone. Inviting yourself to something isn't great manners, but rubbing someone's face into not being invited to something is much worse!

Oh and to disinvite 15 minutes before is simply appalling and not something I would do in a million years.

I would have told my child she is coming now, and the next time she wants to have a sleepover that she should have the cop on not to discuss it in front of others.

As others have said about their children, mine would have had the cop on and sensitivity towards others not to do this by 12 and well before it.

Not being invited to everything is a fact of life, but there is absolutely no need for noses to be rubbed in it.

They are children.
Of course they like to be included.
Completely normal to hope to be included in things like this.

I haven't read through all of the pages here, only the first few so this might have already been said but I'm confused about the majority of replies. This girl didn't invite herself... Why are people saying that? She ASKED to be invited. She didn't just say "hey I'm coming too" and tagged along. She politely asked if this was something she could join in with. And she was told yes. These are supposedly her friends, why shouldn't she feel comfortable to ask if she could come to something with them.

So when I was out the other week for lunch with a group of friends and we were talking about what we were doing the next day, I wasn't supposed to say I was going for lunch with one of the friends in case the others were offended?

I don't think they should be discussing it, not when there is a close friend there who hasn't been invited and will feel hurt. They're old enough to understand that is mean. It would only be ok if they were planning to invite OP's DD.

That would be a very different situation. The comparison is laughable.

The only person at fault here imo is the party girl's mum, she is a grown up and should have said no.

I think that sums it up!

I mean if according to some it was ok for Op's 12yr old to ask, then surely it was also Ok for other 12yr olds to be discussing it?

Yet the other girls are being called mean & bitchy for being no more socially
aware than Op's daughter!