Aibu to be angry about this - dd left out group/party

[Lago1]

So a bit of background, my daughter is a lovely, yet shy and reserved child, who has been dancing for a few years with a group of girls and has grown in confidence around them. One particular girl, she sees as a good friend and they share another hobby which they do weekly together. This morning at dancing she hears some of the others discussing a sleepover and asked in front of the mum if she can join and the mum says of course. She comes home excited and gets her things ready, then I received a text 15 minutes before I was due to drop her off saying I'm sorry dd doesn't want her to come. Now I know maybe she shouldn't have asked but it was nice to see her confidence and she would have not even considered that her friend didn't want her there and probably thought of it as an oversight. There were no excuses made, and not even any effort to try and protect her feelings in this all. I am so sad for her. Aibu to feel really pissed off?

I think the reason some children behave like this is because of poor parenting.

Sometimes children need help to know the right thing to do.

Those girls were discussing it in front of your daughter which was rude and unkind, and the consequence should have been explained to her as she is getting lifts and goes out with you regularly.

Sometimes parents leave their children down.

Years ago my 12 year old was invited to a birthday by a friend, 10 of them were invited.

At the end of the party as I was collecting her, there appeared to be upset and tears etc.

My daughter told me that 5 girls were staying on for a sleepover, and two girls were very upset not to make the cut.

Fortunately my daughter was very sanguine about it and not at all upset, but she said it was a pity as the whole party had been dominated by it.

There was huge upset apparently and the girls mum's were not impressed at all.

The birthday girls mum (she's very nice) rang me later to apologise if my daughter was upset too etc. and said what a bloody disaster.

I didn't sugar coat it, I laughingly asked her what was she thinking? and why was she surprised that it might sour it for a couple of the girls?
Did she not know how sensitive girls can be to hurt, and perceived exclusion?.

She invited the other 5 over the following weekend and it resolved itself, but she was scalded by the whole experience 😳🤣

I’m sorry for your dd but her social skills must be lacking if she thinks it’s okay to invite herself to any party.
She must have known she was putting the hostess on the spot by asking. Otherwise she would have asked her friend, not the parent.
My guess is that the other girls are more socially mature.
Yes the last minute cancellation was cruel but I suspect it became apparent to the hostess that your dd was not going to have a good time if she did attend. Teen girls are a terrible cliquey age.

Those girls were discussing it in front of your daughter which was rude and unkind, and the consequence should have been explained to her as she is getting lifts and goes out with you regularly

I often agree with you billy but not in this case. Why shouldn't a few girls discuss something they are doing later that same day for fear of upsetting someone else? Girls should not be made to feel like they have to include everyone in everything. Nor should we teach our children to expect to be involved in everything their friends do with other children.

The OP's DD and the other girl are plainly not besties and DD is not part of this other group of school friends, however much sharing of lifts happens between the mothers.

It sounds much more like a cock up in comms triggered by DD trying to invite herself to another girl's sleepover. Put it down to experience, learn from it but making such a drama of it does not help any of the girls.

Powerplay?

It's a group of kids having a sleepover!

One who wasn't invited tried to invite herself & it didn't work.

It was handled badly but the end result was the same either way.

So if your daughter had organised something would she then let anyone who asked also come along?

Even though she didn't feel strongly enough to invite them in the first place?

@diddl she would certainly not want to let someone she considers a friend down when they were likely already on their way. Many times I've said the 'oh can I come' was a mistake, but I don't think it's a huge mistake, when I was a kid it was always happening, off the cuff additional guests if they happened to be about.

I can't believe the mum texted this, really harsh thing to write.

As for the kids, meh op, they are 12. Kids are fickle as hell around these years. I really wouldn't worry. The girls at the sleepover will be fighting with each other in a month's time.

I think the reason some children behave like this is because of poor parenting
Sometimes children need help to know the right thing to do.

Yep, op should have taught her dd waaaaay before 12 that inviting yourself is extremely bad manners.

What the the hell is wrong with the other mum. She was too much of a coward to say no face to face when your daughter asked to go. Cancelling 15 mins beforehand by text is just cruel. She sounds like a great role model for her daughter.

Well the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree then has it ?
Are you sure your daughter didn't ask the girl first and she said no so asked her mum instead ?

I think there is fault on all sides

The girls should have not been talking about it in earshot of your daughter knowing she wasn’t invited.

she shouldn’t have asked if she could come

the other mum should have pulled up her big girl pants and said “no” and come up with an excuse why your daughter couldn’t come.

as she’s the adult she is probably most to blame.

you I think should have told your daughter a white lie eg they didn’t have enough space etc

she would certainly not want to let someone she considers a friend down when they were likely already on their way.

But the other girl doesn't seem to consider your daughter a friend which is the whole crux of it.

The signs were there I think that she wasn't a close enough friend to have asked this of & perhaps that's what you should already have been helping your daughter with-that it was all so one sided.

Sorry but this is all caused by your DD inviting herself! How have you not taught her not to invite herself to stuff, at the age of 12?

Sure, the mum could have handled it better. But you still seem to think it was ok for your DD to invite herself and that she should have been welcomed with open arms, just because she’s laid back and gets on with everyone, and because the other DC accepts invitations to yours.

But this isn’t how it works. The other girl is entitled to choose who she wants, she had done so, it wasn’t your DD. This isn’t “power play” or mean in any way, it just means the girl doesn’t think of your DD as such a close friend as she does the others.

You say that off the cuff additional guests happened a lot when you were little but this isn’t how everyone works and you shouldn’t expect it.

I know it’s disappointing but I think in your shoes I’d have messaged the other mum saying ‘sorry DD invited herself, if it’s a problem in any way let me know and I’ll let her down gently’. It was rude of DD to invite herself and as a parent I’d have taken control at that point and not just hoped that it’d all work out. I’d assume there was a reason she wasn’t included in the first place.

I have to take issues with the "friendships are permanent" thing - no they are not. And definitely not with 12 year olds. Friendships change regularly at that stage, especially when they are changing from one school to another or at different schools and only seeing each other at a hobby once a week.

This I can well believe. “I won’t come if OPsdaughter is coming.”.

Everyone going on about how rude it is for your daughter to have 'invited herself' needs to get a grip. There is absolutely nothing wrong with asking for what you want in life, it is far healthier that she felt comfortable speaking up and asking if she could join in than having to silently assume she was being deliberately excluded. What is fucked up is that no one felt comfortable saying no to her face and then resolved it by sending a text with no reason 15 mins before she was due to show up. I don't know if I'm on the spectrum or what but I find these kind of passive aggressive social mores really puzzling and unhealthy and I wouldn't be trying to instill them in my daughter. She did nothing wrong asking for what she wanted. The lesson is sometimes other people are dicks, it's not her fault at all

Just because it's what happened in your family of origin doesn't mean that everyone else is comfortable with the same.

@MichaelFabricantWig

you I think should have told your daughter a white lie eg they didn’t have enough space etc

Sorry but strongly disagree with this. If the girls later discuss the event and the truth comes out, then mum has lied (even with the best of intentions). The truth is always better IMO.

You need to teach your daughter that her feeling matter, and that it's ok to have boundaries, and that "be kind" does not mean she is not allowed to say "no". Then also teach her that other people's feelings also matter, and it is ok for them to have boundaries and if they say "no" it does not mean they are unkind or nasty.

I can't believe how many people think the other girl should have been forced to do something she did not want, as if her own wishes and feelings mean nothing.

Are you sure your daughter didn't ask the girl first and she said no so asked her mum instead ?

• *I suspect this as well.

Now for your daughter’s sake do two things: tell her never to invite herself anywhere as it is very rude.
Downplay things and change the subject. Distract her. Invite another friend from somewhere and carve a pumpkin. Or something.

But is she better off for having tried to invite herself and “asking for what she wants”? I’d say she’s not. I do think manners have their place and can help protect children from the blunt truth of you’re not wanted this time. Particularly at 12. I think my 6 year old would know better than to invite herself to a sleepover.

Hi OP, hope your daughter isn't feeling too bad about it all this morning. It was a very cruel thing to let you know only 15mins before the start that she couldn't come. Which I guess makes this situation an issue in the first place. The mum shouldn't have said yes to be fair. Do you know why your daughter went to ask the mum? Instead asking her friend first. With the 12 year olds the invitation usually comes from their friend.. I have never had this "rule" with my children that all their friends needs to be invited for sleepovers from certain groups at the same time. The group always changes. I've never made a big deal about them sometimes not being included (even if it's a friend they consider as one of their bests). Kids, teens (and adults) shouldn't always expect to be. It does not mean they are not friends. There doesn't necessarily need to be any sinister reason behind it. I think as long as your daughter isn't left out every time when there is a dance group sleepover the fact that she wasn't originally included this time isn't an issue at all. The other mum handled it all very clumsily tho. To be fair this wouldn't be a deal breaker for me regards the shared lifts etc. but I would make sure I would encourage my daughter to find other friendships as well. 12 year olds changes a lot and sometimes it's natural to drift apart from their old friends.

This is exactly how I feel about it.

What exactly happened. Was the mother there when the girls were talking about it? Ir did your daughter seek her out and ask to come along?

She is better off because now she knows exactly where she stands and what these people are like, and they have also had to confront the reality that their behaviour has hurt someone's feelings. They were talking about it in front of her and everyone thinks she should have been OK with that and just went home and felt shit about herself? Fuck that, no way