Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A big birthday- can't stop crying

105 replies

Whosmadnow · 29/10/2022 21:57

No idea where to start, I've always been depressed and tearful when I have a birthday. No idea why but have a crushing sense of disappointment and abandonment.
For as long as I've been an adult if I've wanted to celebrate I've had to organise it, no-one has thought to do it for me, but they've always expected that something would happen and I've obliged.
Many years ago I organised a party and out of 80 invites only eight people turned up which has led me to believe I'm not loved or important.
This year I had a huge milestone birthday and due to circumstances had to cancel what I'd organised.
I've now spent the milestone day isolated and in tears, I haven't even opened the three cards and presentsI have and can't stop crying. I want to rip the cards and presents up and throw them in the bin.
What the hell is wrong with me?

OP posts:
Applesandcarrots · 29/10/2022 22:00

You need to stop trying to be massive.

80 people? Did you invite many you just know?
Just stick with few friends and be happy with little. Or do nothing if you don't want to. It is your birthday, stop obliging

Reverie83 · 29/10/2022 22:00

Im sorry about your last party. YANBU, your friends and family should make you feel special on your birthday. Are you able to talk to them about it.

catlovingdoctor · 29/10/2022 22:00

I'm really sorry, birthdays come with a lot of social pressure and expectations and when the reality doesn't match it can just suck.
I have similar every year; it isn't so bad with non-significant ones but I've come to dread milestones.
I could try and placate you by reassuring you it's just another day, (which is true in one sense), but when something hurts it hurts, and I think you deserve to let that out.
I'm sorry again x

bloodywitchescat · 29/10/2022 22:01

I don't think there's anything wrong with you OP, there's nothing wrong with wanting to mark milestones. Sending you Flowers for your birthday

IfIGoThereWillBeTrouble · 29/10/2022 22:02

If it makes you feel less alone, birthdays always make me feel sad and tearful. I find it difficult to open presents, the thought of opening presents makes me quite anxious.

Mumof3cherubs · 29/10/2022 22:05

Happy birthday Whosmadnow , luckily a birthday is only one day a year, hope the rest of your year brings you lots of smiles x

YellowHpok · 29/10/2022 22:09

If its any consolation I'd have likely done the same thing. I had a big one recently. I'm not arsed about the getting older bit, its the expectation and pressure. I did something small and felt much better a week or so later when it was all over.

Big birthdays are awful. And I say this as someone who probably looks reasonably popular from the outside.

Xx

Original poster
Whosmadnow · 29/10/2022 22:10

Thank you all, you are so lovely.
Regarding the party, yes I invited everyone I knew and a lot of it was due to peer pressure. The people that did turn up made me feel that it wasn't important who wasn't there. it was over 30yrs ago now but on my birthday I remember.
I think that this year particularly I just wanted to feel as if I was important and meant something to friends and family. That someone would think that I was important enough to be remembered without relying on me to remind them.
Not sure what to do with the cards and presents, it feels like a small act of rebellion not to bother acknowledging them or my birthday.

OP posts:
Forsoothmylord · 29/10/2022 22:11

You sound in a really low place, I’m really sorry. Birthdays are hard for many people. They can force us to address our lives.
It’s still your birthday, it’s not over yet. Can you call a friend right now and have a cry - let it all out? I guarantee you will feel so much better. Don’t be afraid of letting your loved ones in. You are not alone x

RandomMess · 29/10/2022 22:11
Flowers
vipersnest1 · 29/10/2022 22:13

Do something solely for yourself:

I had a 'milestone birthday' a few years ago, and because I could afford it, and my old car needed lots of work, I bought myself a very nice car. Prior to that, I'd always had the family workhorse kind of car, while XH always had a very sporty car which was not suitable for family trips.
I really loved that car, it was bright red and gave me pleasure every time I got into it. I kept it for far too long, to be honest, as I didn't want to let it go.

Whatever your budget is, you could do something similar - get your nails done, have a new hairdo, just something because you want to do it and it will make you feel good.

Don't do anything with the presents and cards, leave them there for a few days. Hopefully in time you will feel more positive about opening them.

Make sure you book a treat for yourself though (or something else along similar lines) - my thinking in what I did was that no-one else was around to care about me that much, or otherwise couldn't afford to give me a real treat, so I did it for myself.

I'm sorry you had a bad experience some time ago. Try not to let it colour your feelings now. Flowers

ouch321 · 29/10/2022 22:14

I hate my birthday. Worst day of the year. I also feel relief when it's midnight.

I think whether you enjoy or despise your birthday is a reflection of how your life is going. Certainly is in my case.

MondayYogurt · 29/10/2022 22:15

I'm the same. I think it just really crystallises all my insecurities, particularly because it's unavoidable seeing other people's own celebrations and how much effort others go to for them.
There's nothing wrong with you.

choppolata · 29/10/2022 22:16

Why rip up the cards and presents? They are from people who care about you. I'm sorry you've had a bad day. Open them tomorrow maybe?

LimeTwists · 29/10/2022 22:20

I voted YANBU because nobody wants to feel unimportant and forgotten about. That said, I don’t think you should think like that about the people who were kind enough to buy you gifts and cards - wanting to throw them in the bin or not bother with them at all because you wanted more does seem ungrateful. I also think inviting 80 people to a birthday (that’s not joint) seems a bit excessive and perhaps they didn’t attend as they didn’t feel they knew you well enough. You said the ones you did come made you feel good. 8 really good friends is great. I think it would help to stop thinking about numbers of friends / perceived popularity and think about the friends who did make your party and did make an effort this year. You’re forgetting them in your annoyance with the others.

SimonaRazowska · 29/10/2022 22:20

I don't think it's realistic to expect others to organise a big party for you. No one ever did for me, I've had 2 big milestone birthday parties in my life, both organised by myself. Most birthdays gone by with minimal fuss

I hope you have a nice day, and I really recommend you maybe think/plan for next year what you'd really really like to do on your birthday... maybe just invite a few people you really like and hang out with a lot

Think quality, not quantity

Take care

myexisawanker · 29/10/2022 22:21

I get this but kindly, you need to give your self a shake.

I can recall feeling similarly low when I had my 40th soon after my marriage broke down. I was so sad organising it for myself.

Now though I've realised I can do a better job for myself. I do a stocking for myself at Christmas (along with kids ones) and other things. I'm better at Christmas than other times but it's fun- do things the way you want. And buy yourself things that you want 😄

CoastalWave · 29/10/2022 22:25

Don't think I've ever had a great birthday. Sad really when you think about it.

My 18th was ruined. My 21st non existent. 30th - literally can't remember. 40th - just given birth and everyone forgot.

Honestly - my 50th I'm not even telling people.

I actually can't remember a birthday where I've even had presents to open. Parents always send money (which is amazing but just goes on bills) and husband always mutters something about not knowing what to get me so we end up having a bottle of wine and some chocolates.

MovingOnUpp · 29/10/2022 22:25

Sorry to hear you are feeling low.
Three cards is ok, open them
and send thank you texts. Could you meet one of the people for a birthday drink?
Its not to late to arrange something for yourself. Do you like the cinema, you could go tomorrow or buy yourself something in town and have a coffee and cake out?

5128gap · 29/10/2022 22:28

choppolata · 29/10/2022 22:16

Why rip up the cards and presents? They are from people who care about you. I'm sorry you've had a bad day. Open them tomorrow maybe?

This! Try not to throw the baby out with the bathwater. You have people who cared and remembered. Appreciate them.
Numbers of cards, presents and party attendees often has very little baring on how important you are to people, it's often very circumstantial. How many people you know at the time, the culture around birthdays amongst those people, whether you've mentioned it, if people happen to be free on the day, even the day of the week it falls on. I get twice as much fuss on a weekday birthday as colleagues in my office tend to make a big deal of birthdays, but wouldn't think it it was a weekend.
I hope you feel better tomorrow. And for what it's worth, there's a random woman in the midlands wishing you happy birthday right now.🙂

Y7drama · 29/10/2022 22:32

im sorry you had to cancel your plans. Please open your cards and presents, and think of your friends that care for you. Happy birthday 💐

Smineusername · 29/10/2022 22:33

What happened to you on your birthday when you were a kid?

AlwaysAuntie · 29/10/2022 22:36

I both look forward to and dread my birthday, 2 of my brother's never wish me a happy birthday, not a text or a fb post. My 18th all of my friend's cancelled on going to a nightclub for my birthday. My mum and dad took me for a meal instead. On my 21st I threw a party for myself because nobody else was going to, it wasn't a bad party, but I was disappointed with the turnout. My 40th my bestie took me out for High Tea, which was lovely and I was grateful that she made plans for me. Though secretly I was hoping that it was a distraction whilst a surprise party was being arranged - I don't know why I had that idea in my head.

I try not to get my hopes up on my birthday, but I always find something lacking. Don't get me wrong I am grateful for the gifts and cards I do get, but it just feels like there's something missing.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 29/10/2022 22:39

Peer pressure from who that made you invite 80 folk?

I think getting 3 cards and gifts is good!

MovingOnUpp · 29/10/2022 22:40

AlwaysAuntie
you could organise your own party for your 50th, not too big, just your nearest and dearest people.

Swipe left for the next trending thread