A big birthday- can't stop crying

[Whosmadnow]

No idea where to start, I've always been depressed and tearful when I have a birthday. No idea why but have a crushing sense of disappointment and abandonment.
For as long as I've been an adult if I've wanted to celebrate I've had to organise it, no-one has thought to do it for me, but they've always expected that something would happen and I've obliged.
Many years ago I organised a party and out of 80 invites only eight people turned up which has led me to believe I'm not loved or important.
This year I had a huge milestone birthday and due to circumstances had to cancel what I'd organised.
I've now spent the milestone day isolated and in tears, I haven't even opened the three cards and presentsI have and can't stop crying. I want to rip the cards and presents up and throw them in the bin.
What the hell is wrong with me?

I love AIBU as it does make you look at other perspectives.
30 yrs on and I've not reflected for a long time about the friends that did turn up for my birthday. They really did make it a brilliant night and I couldn't have asked for more. I need to reframe that night.
Regarding the unopened cards and presents, I will open them over the next few days and say thank you. I am sad as I think they are sent with a sense of duty rather than love but I will recognise that they didn't have to send anything.
I think I will also take advice to do something just for me, I have been wanting a very expensive extravagance for some time. Maybe I should just order it as a gift to myself, it would make me happy.
I've now opened some wine, maybe tomorrow I will open some cards. x

80 people?! That's like a wedding. Would you even have enjoyed that?

I have come to realise that I'm the type of person that has a couple of really really close friends. I had quite a big party for my 30th but I hated every minute of it. I found it hugely stressful.

For my 40th I had several small celebrations and that was fantastic

Sometimes in my head I'd like to be one of those people posting big groups on Facebook but if I'm realistic it's just not me.

Therapy. Honestly. Dig into this stuff with someone who knows what they're doing & then when you thoroughly understand this story, you'll be able to live a new one.

Can relate, like many others on this thread. What I tell myself is that none of this is that important - I'm not important nor is my birthday and that just as quickly the following day will come round and its all forgotten about. The only person its a special day to is the one whos birthday it is! As the years go by, I just try to lower my expectations. Why do we even make a fuss over milestone birthdays in this culture? ..... Having said all of this, I do like attending other peoples birthdays and making a fuss over those I care about.

I’ve never had a party (as an adult) as I’d be too worried no one would come. I’m 50 next year and dreading it, not turning 50 per se but the whole “big birthday” thing and feeling under pressure to “do something”. I think I’ll just go for a meal with my husband and kids and leave it at that.

happy birthday x

The three people did remember your birthday and they did bother to send you a card and or a present. Lots of people don’t have three people on their lives who would do that. And yes why not buy yourself something lovely, you are worth it,

I had my 50th spoilt for me as my then partner knew he wanted to split although I didn't know,for some time but dud it leaving me with little time to organise something on the day. Did something the week after. Fast forward some years and this birthday I will not be celebrating due to death of my new partner. It crap I know but inolsn to come from.wkrk cry if I want,eat what I want and take no notice. If you can treat yourself,do so. Be kind to yourself

Birthdays are hard. That feeling of being able to weigh up how important you are to people. Hugs to you x

I might just do that! I've got 6yrs to plan it!

A huge happy birthday to you 💕

I had the same experience when I turned 40, it was awful. I used the experience to make changes in my life that were long overdue, new job, moved house and dumped some ‘friends’.

tonight have a drink or two, eat all the fun food and when you’re feeling read, look ahead at a new life. 🎉

If you rip up the three cards and presents you got this year, next year you’ll likely not get any at all. So nasty to the givers. Don’t take your issues out on people who are being nice to you. Open their generous and kindly given gifts and thank them for them whole-heartedly.

Thank you everyone for your sympathy and understanding. I was expecting to be told that I was being precious and to pull myself together.
I've just opened a bottle of wine and thought sod it! A toast to all of us that find birthdays difficult, I promise I will look at the cards and presents at some point and say thank you.
Not promising that I won't feel a little bit sad over the next few days BUT life goes on and it was just one day x

I understand, op. I don't even have eight people to invite, nevermind eight that would show up. I'm lucky in other ways, though. Such is life, I suppose.

Cheers 🥂

It's your party and you can cry if you want to. 🎉🎉🥂🥂

I’m the same op and never had a fuss made or even a nod to my birthday from anyone apart from my dad will get me a card. It’s horrible so I know the feeling. It just highlights for
me that I have no one x hugs xxx

Raising a glass to you, @Whosmadnow. Happy birthday 🥂

I don't even have 8 close friends let alone 80. Small intimate birthdays are the best imo. It's crap that you had to cancel your plans but you can celebrate anytime, it doesn't have to be on the day. Open the present and cards from those who love and care about you and enjoy.

Oh and happy birthday! 🎃

One year I gave myself a card from my dog just to boost the number of cards! My husband didn’t get me anything. Now I treat myself to what I want and make myself a fabulous birthday cake close family and a few friends will give cards and I try to just be grateful for those people. Some people are just more popular than others I’m afraid

Same and xx from me, OP.

@Whosmadnow
I had a milestone in the heart of UK true lockdown
Wasn’t allowed to see anyone!
Met son for a very socially distanced walk, had a few cards, and presents son made and it was a relief not to have to make a “ Fuss”.
Happy Birthday 🎈

@vipersnest1 has a good point, I do the same and buy myself a very nice present. I’ve never liked my birthday ever since I was a small child, no idea why.

Crikey OP, you made me feel crap just by the sheer fact that you had 80 people to invite! What were you actually planning?

For my *0th I had my exDH and 8 other people at home with good food and wine. My mate had her milestone birthday a couple of months later with a big party in a local pub with food and drink on tap. But, comparison is the thief of joy.

Also, happy birthday!