A big birthday- can't stop crying

[Whosmadnow]

No idea where to start, I've always been depressed and tearful when I have a birthday. No idea why but have a crushing sense of disappointment and abandonment.
For as long as I've been an adult if I've wanted to celebrate I've had to organise it, no-one has thought to do it for me, but they've always expected that something would happen and I've obliged.
Many years ago I organised a party and out of 80 invites only eight people turned up which has led me to believe I'm not loved or important.
This year I had a huge milestone birthday and due to circumstances had to cancel what I'd organised.
I've now spent the milestone day isolated and in tears, I haven't even opened the three cards and presentsI have and can't stop crying. I want to rip the cards and presents up and throw them in the bin.
What the hell is wrong with me?

Real life is often nowhere near as full of parties as tv, books or films make it seem.

Why not find ways to celebrate your birthday that are about you - so instead of arranging for other people to visit you, book a weekend city break for yourself, or a day in a spa or some other thing where you can feel it's not just another day that doesn't rely on other people.
If that's out of budget, have a takeaway, buy a couple of treats like a nice face mask etc.. & hire a movie.

Make your birthday something you plan & spoil yourself - so if you want to, save for the extravagant gift & get it for yourself.
Then you will be looking forward to giving yourself the gift you really want, or to the little trip/treat you've arranged for yourself (probably one nobody else would have ever even thought of) instead of feeling bad about it.

Make your own little bit of happy because everyone deserves that.
Happy birthday.

I wouldn't even know where to start arranging a party for someone else. I wouldn't have all their contact details for a start. And even if I had all their friends' contact details I would'nt know if they were still in touch with them all, or had fallen out with them etc. And there's always the risk of arranging something like food or music that they aren't keen on. Or if they are keen on it, maybe their guests wouldn't be, how would I know? So really, it's better if they just arrange it exactly as they want.

So therefore, YABU to arrange someone to a) throw a party for you and b) to expect to have 80 close friends and family to invite! Most people that I know when they get to a certain age have ditched superficial friends and just have a smallish group of friends and family who they see regularly.

My 50th happened in the height of lockdown. I was glad as it meant I didn't have to arrange a party.

I would much rather have 5 real friends come over informally than 100 acquaintances. I think the secret is to embrace and acknowledge that introversion is not 'bad'. It's ok to have a few close friends. It's ok to only really have a family that you care deeply about. Being honest, there are about 10 people I deeply care about in my life, and 6 are immediate family. I don't hate anyone either. I just take a bit of getting to know, and that's ok.

You sound depressing, OP and you are definitely not BU for that. I (as many people) can feel quite low on my birthday for some reason but try to appreciate those few presents and cards you got someone cares for you. There are people out there who doesn't have anybody

Happy Birthday!! xxx
Just had my 65th. Five cards, including one from my dog!
Such a huge thing made of birthdays nowadays. I had coffee with closest friend, much with my DH and bottle of champers and posh choccies in the evening.
Your birthday is yours and yours alone. Just be kind to yourself xx

I am sorry that birthdays make you feel that way. I have never had a birthday party organised for me since I left home but I don't mind as I tend to do what I want for my birthday. To be honest I am not even that fussed about getting presents. Mostly that just means more stuff into a house where I seem to spend my life trying to get rid of it. Lol. I love it best if someone gets me a nice wine of cheese or something that I can do or make. Mostly I have a nice meal with my husband and daughter and only my sister and brother buy me anything.

Can you reframe how you think about birthdays. I know that for some people birthdays are upsetting as they are a reminder about getting older and or not achieving what you wanted in life. To me they are a reminder that I am lucky enough to have got old(er). I really haven't achieved a lot of the things that I set put to do when I left school but on the other hand I have achieved other things that I didn't even really know existed then. One thing that has made me so thankful for birthdays is that I have lost several close friends and family far too young. My best friend from school died in our first term at university and another close friend when she was 33. In both cases they knew that they were terminally ill and we had time to discuss it in advance. They would be furious with me for wasting my time being sad about having the chance to live my life. It has helped me learn to enjoy what I have, even if I am by no means rich or successful. My older sister died suddenly with no warning. She left behind 2 children whose dad had died suddenly 3 months before her. We never discussed death but she also really lived her life and I am pretty sure that she would be camp 'celebrate what you do have ' too.

In real life, most people I know organise their own birthday celebrations, it isn’t anything to feel bad about. But don’t be so ambitious, there are not many people that can rustle up a crowd of eighty, stick to smaller gatherings, people you know that will turn up.

Sorry,I meant depressed not depressing, sorry!!!!

Don't rip up the cards and presents you have received - these are the people who care for you and have gone to the trouble of choosing something for you. Allow yourself to open one each day.

I had a big birthday a some years ago. I organised a party and on the day some people "forgot", others were "tired" (yes, I saw what they were doing on Facebook that day and the next...), others simply didn't turn up and didn't say anything either. Well stuff them! I had a wonderful time with the people who did come. Sometimes it takes an event like this to realise who your true friends are.

That's rubbish only 8 people turned up of 80 you'd invited to a party in the past - I can understand that making a lasting impression on you. But if it helps give perspective, at no time in my life would I have had 80 people to invite to a party. At present I wouldn't even have 8 to invite.

Tomorrow is another day.

If I’m honest, I don’t understand your mindset at all. I find it a level of entitled that shocks me, you want to feel important and loved, and those closest to you who make an effort, who you are important to and who love you, are just not enough, really? The people who made an effort you want to rip their cards up? Seriously? Because you don’t get some form of mass adulation?

you and me would never be friends, this level of entitlement and self importance would have me running for the hills . -and it seems I am not alone.

id take step back, look at who is really Important and understand why you invited 80 people and only 8 turned up and why you are sitting looking at cards and gifts from those who do care and you react in such a vile way you want to rip them up.

Every year on my birthday I repeat to myself something my mum told me:
”Another year older, but it’s better than the alternative.”

And every day I remind myself that my one true friend is worth more than a hundred mediocre ones. I’d move heaven and earth for her and she for me, no birthday parties or presents needed. Concentrate on your true friends and don’t worry about the others.

Happy birthday, @Whosmadnow ❤️

I’m another one who hates birthdays - well my birthday to be more precise. It’s like everyone expects you to be doing something fabulous and sociable and the pressure to be delighted with everything is too much.

OP, I wish you a happy birthday and hope that you do treat yourself to something lovely.

Happy birthday OP! My last big birthday was the day I left my exH after four years of marriage, my last two birthdays I've spent on my own. It feels a bit lonely, but I don't mind it so much anymore (less drama.)

Happy birthday, OP.

It's your birthday, you can cry if you want to. Birthdays can be a bit like that.

they've always expected that something would happen and I've obliged.

Who are 'they' and why do you place their wants (or rather your perception of their wants) before your own - even concerning YOUR life events?

Fuck 'em. Do what you want to do, or not, for yourself.

Stop trying to define yourself and your importance in terms of the casual remarks and assumed perceptions of other people.

Gosh, I don’t have any friends who expect me to be fabulous and sociable. You and the op must inhabit different worlds to me and be very susceptible to others views. I’ve always done exactly what I wish, and thoughts and time from close family, friends, has been enough for me.

you clearly have a very different life and maybe you can tell us further about this pressure you are under to be sociable and fabulous, using your words from all your friends?

Ugh I hate the pressure too OP, I've read a lot of posts on MN from ppl who don't have anyone in their life, so I think 8 is pretty good. Last birthday I didn't even bother inviting any local friends because I knew they'd let me down, instead had an old friend stay for the wknd and she made a big fuss and I felt so grateful for her. It's made our relationship even better and my local friends have actually got better as well since then. Maybe next time plan something small in advance and it's less pressure. Happy birthday.

Also you could do something really indulgent for yourself like eat a whole cake or cheeseboard, or have a lounging day with no chores, have a massage etc

Happy birthday! 💐💐💐💐🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳❤️❤️❤️👍👍👍😜🏰🍰🧁🧁🧁🧁🍷🥂🥂🥂🥂🥂🥂🥂🥂🥂🥂🍾🍾🍾🍾xxx

I've never enjoyed my birthday since my family went out and left me alone babysitting my little sister, who was asleep in bed. It was many years ago, and I've gotten over it, a bit, but I always manage my expectations and, if I want something, issue clear instructions.

Happy birthday op, enjoy your wine, open your gifts and cards when you feel ready.

I agree with other posters, make a plan to spoil yourself. I'm quite taken with the idea of going to a destination restaurant, one of those places that had 'foam' this and 'deconstructed' that, but are probably doing something else now....'knitted?' I'd have the tasting menu. if it's great, we'll great. If it's not, it could still be hilarious. Have your favourite pizza ready to go when you get home, 30 courses and you might still be starving.

I had two lockdown birthdays then this year it was on a Sunday so everyone was busy. I spent it by myself and plan to do the same next year. No compromising, do what I want.

I still meet friends for birthday drinks etc, just not on the day itself.

Birthdays can be quite emotional.

I think everyone has at least one traumatic party memory - often involving people not turning up, you aren’t alone there.

I also think you pretty much have to organise your own birthday celebrations, I know I do.

80 people is really massive, unless you regularly have huge events, so next time just stick to a couple of close friends or a small party.

So basically - don’t give yourself a hard time.

However - you also need to knock off feeling so sorry for yourself, because the only person you are hurting is you. Who is the small act of rebellion of chucking away cards and presents your friends have bought you going to hurt except for you?

Do what you can to enjoy the rest of the day and plan a small celebration in 3 months time - your milestone and a quarter.

You just haven’t learned how to plan a decent birthday, there are plenty of threads on here, just look them up.

If you are generally inclined to get yourself into this state then think about seeing a counsellor. Or if it’s birthday specific it should be easy enough to solve.

Yes, gorge yourself. It’s always the answer.

Happy Birthday x

You're not alone. I'm unsually in tears within minutes of waking up on my birthday, and I dont fare well the rest of the day either. The slightest thing starts me off again.

No advice, just empathy. I've got my day of disappointment coming up soon and will be glad when it's over.