A big birthday- can't stop crying

[Whosmadnow]

No idea where to start, I've always been depressed and tearful when I have a birthday. No idea why but have a crushing sense of disappointment and abandonment.
For as long as I've been an adult if I've wanted to celebrate I've had to organise it, no-one has thought to do it for me, but they've always expected that something would happen and I've obliged.
Many years ago I organised a party and out of 80 invites only eight people turned up which has led me to believe I'm not loved or important.
This year I had a huge milestone birthday and due to circumstances had to cancel what I'd organised.
I've now spent the milestone day isolated and in tears, I haven't even opened the three cards and presentsI have and can't stop crying. I want to rip the cards and presents up and throw them in the bin.
What the hell is wrong with me?

I really sympathise with you. I always find I have a better birthday when I keep expectations low.

But you obviously have something going on here. Maybe your present to yourself is to pay for some therapy. Try and work out what it is you need , then how you are going to get it or make peace with yourself about it before your next milestone birthday.

I felt huge pressure re my 40th but also hated the idea of organising a party because it always feels like a popularity contest and my birthday falls at the end of most of my friends so by mine no one ever had much money left in our 20s. I have better friends now but I decided that for my actual birthday I just wanted it to be dh and I in the local city for a nice meal and then at the weekend we took dc to London to see a show. In the end I had covid so we had to reschedule but when we did it, it was lovely. Dh did arrange a meal with friends which was lovely but 2 best friends couldn’t come despite date options so that hurt and reminded me why I said no party. I have friends but I never seem to be their number one priority.

If it makes you feel any better, I had a similar birthday flop. I was a shy, introverted teen with 3 close friends, and for some inexplicably, bizarre reason they took it into their heads to organise a surprise party. Out of everyone in our school year and social circle, two other people showed up. It was excruciatingly mortifying.

I’d have been perfectly happy spending the evening with my friends. But it knocked my confidence massively. I’d never even attempt a milestone birthday now. I get anxiety organising my dc’ birthday parties.

Three cards and presents sounds fine to me. My DM always made my birthday special, now she has gone it's pretty much a non-event, and I get money now rather than gifts. However, being here to celebrate is a gift in itself. It's only one day, and as a pp said, it is really only important to the person having the birthday. I have never been able to understand milestone birthdays btw - what makes turning a number with a 0 on the end any different to any other birthday?

Birthday depression is very common, google it. I spent most of my fortieth crying.

i Can understand not feeling great on your birthday and the memory of most people not turning up for your birthday but yes there does seem to be a bit of entitlement and victim mentality coming from the OP.

OP, I think we’ve all fallen into this trap sometimes of valuing quantity over quality and overlooking the ones who are present and showing up because of our fixation on those who haven’t. If we take the time to value each Of our loved ones for who they are rather than simply as ego boosting tools, we can be thankful and enjoy them as individuals rather than just focusing on how many there are. Although I appreciate that’s easier said than done!

OP can I ask if you’ve ever organised a birthday for anyone else?

I had a friend who forgot to even send me a birthday text several consecutive years complain to me that no-one has never done anything for her birthday which left me a bit gobsmacked 😂 She knows I organise all of my own celebrations around my birthday,. and probably her other friends do too but she seemed to be hinting someone should organise a celebration for her.

Me too. I’d had an upset stomach and been vomiting the night before, and then my husband gave me an absolutely shite present. After I’d spent all my birthday money from my mum and dad taking us away for a long weekend in a nice hotel. I felt so unvalued and combined with feeling rotten I couldn’t stop crying.

HB OP 😁

I asked people not to mention my birthday years ago, so it's just another day for me. I'm not sure what all the fuss is about really. I'm happy to still be alive every day.

I said yabu purely because I've always organised my own birthday celebrations and tbh as I've gotten older they've got smaller and smaller because most people's social circles do get smaller with age. I think that lets them get richer though. I'd rather have 3 good friends than 80 acquaintances with me on the day. It sounds like you need to reframe the day for yourself. Instead of putting so much pressure on it maybe you need to take it as a day for you, where you go and do your favourite things - could be going to your fave coffee shop, treating yourself to a massage, doing a lovely walk, literally it could be anything at all as long as its something that makes you feel good that you enjoy. If that's too much then book those things for the next day if it helps take the pressure off. It sounds like you're comparing yourself to others a lot (my friends don't do presents at this age so I'd rarely have more than 3 gifts to open) and I'm wondering where that's coming from if its social media or if its coming internally from what you think things should be like. If you look for things you don't have you won't be able to find the good in the things you do have. The gifts you've got were sent because someone thought of you, remembered when your birthday was, cared enough to spend the time and energy getting something they thought you'd like and then getting it to you all in the middle of their busy lives. Don't dismiss that as just duty. I think open the presents and the cards, and tomorrow treat yourself to a day for you because you deserve it. And I'm also wishing you a happy birthday.

It was my birthday until a few hours ago. Intended to go for a drinks with a club I'm a member of (because I have no one else to do with and they are going anyway), but I injured a limb and can't leave the house.
A close friend texted me but didn't remember my birthday.
The friend I live with is on holiday and hasn't texted me at all (notoriously bad at texting, mind).
My parents called me at 10pm after texting to ask whether they were going to call.
I got no presents and no cards.

It's shit and I'm having a cry in bed. This thread is very timely. I don't even want a party, just a bit of love.

I feel for you. I’m exactly the same. The pressure was on for me this year as it was a “big” birthday.

I just did what I wanted which was very little.

You’re Ok @Whosmadnow You don’t need a room full of people just have a day next year of doing exactly as you please. I promise it’ll feel like a very happy birthday 😊

@Agapornis happy birthday, I'm so sorry.

Perhaps, if you feel up to it, do something that'll make you happy. Go to a garden, a gallery, jump in puddles, get a tub of luscious ice cream and watch stupid films (the Princess Bride) while jumping in puddles, whatever the fancy takes you. Forget it was your birthday or gift yourself a day to spoil yourself.

I know how you feel OP. I used to feel so unimportant and disappointed on my birthday. As the years have gone by I tend to just treat myself on my birthday. A

Posted too soon! So maybe a nice massage or a nice lunch with some wine. Or maybe nothing. A day of snacks on the sofa and a takeaway if I'm feeling for it. Forget about everyone else. It's your day. People can be so rubbish sometimes with birthdays anyway.

Thanks @IcakethereforeIam. Injured limb means I have to rest so can't go do fun things, certainly no jumping in puddles! After days on the sofa I've had enough of tv..

I totally get it. I hardly get any cards. And I have to do the organising if I want to do anything. No one will suggest anything. My parents had been at my house cats sitting for me they day before, but still out my card in the post. And it didn't arrive until two days later. My sister forgot to get one at all, I think. I was really upset at only having one card to open in the morning.

I think it’s very rare for someone to organise a party for you. Getting three gifts is lovely!

It's alway comparison that's the issue. If another person or people have big social lives/events it makes us feel lacking. As though we are not as good. But then you could look the other way and see some people have no presents or people or money to celebrate with and then what you have seems so much bigger. Try to focus on the good and be grateful for that.

Please do open the gifts and cards, these people have acknowledged your birthday and deserve a thank you.

You seem to have very high expectations of your birthday, The best birthdays I've ever had, I've organised and done pretty much what I wanted. DH's idea of a big treat on my birthday is buying a takeaway because he'd forget to organise babysitters.

What were your birthdays like in lockdown? DS had a milestone birthday on lockdown and was happy because he got his favourite tea and we played board games.

I'd be lucky to get 8 people. 3 of them would be my partner, mum and child. 😂

I'm about to have a big birthday, I wouldn't thank you for a big party, I've never had a birthday party (not even as a child) so I suppose I don't know what I'm missing.

I've bought myself exactly what I wanted, I always get myself the best presents.

DD is making me a cake, I'll get a few things to open from dd, DP and immediate family, maybe from a few friends but I don't expect it.

I don't get any enjoyment out of my own birthday and haven't since late childhood.

I just ignore it as much as possible, what gets me is that the few people that try to nag me to "do something" for my birthday have pretty much always been the same people that made my previous birthdays crap!

Or else they tell me I "absolutely must do something" but when I suggest something as low key and convenient as possible they can never actually make it. Of course they still insist that I "absolutely must do something".

For sure this unhappiness is rooted in your childhood. What happened when you were a child? I imagine you are being triggered by something every year - or at least that is what it sounds like to me. The big party unfortunately would have compounded that feeling.

Is your mental health generally okay? Is it is just birthdays.
I have a similar feeling at Christmas, I am already stressed about it in October. Every year my Dad would be like a tinderbox and even now decades later I feel edgy and worried, but also expected to 'enjoy' it. It is very hard to work through. A good therapist should be your birthday treat.

My next birthday I am going to hire an open top car and drive for miles somewhere that is open and beautiful. What do you love? Start there and add more special person, two if you are lucky and dial it all down.

I do wonder if people who struggle with birthdays as an adult either had over the top celebrations as a child which set an expectation or something at the other end of the spectrum where birthdays were ignored or not celebrated

I always had a few close friend type parties and later on just family things - a cake, a card, a nice simple gift - always a nice time, something exciting as a child (but not if epic proportions) We had a cake with candles, maybe a ballon, a family tea, later i went to the cinema with a few close friends....it's the kind of birthday I've modelled with my kids.

never did the huge birthday extravaganza as a child or an adult and don't have any feelings of loss or unworthiness

perhaps try and change your thought process about birthdays and how you think they should be celebrated - the only 'big' birthday bashes i've been invited to have been lose a acquaintances or work colleagues and the odd time i've gone it's felt odd to be one of 80 or 100 people celebrating a birthday for someone i do t really know!