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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel I’ve wasted my life when it started quite promisingly?

102 replies

Rockpaintedglitter · 29/10/2022 10:53

I had a good settled upbringing with two loving parents and did well at school all the way through.
10 GCSEs at A/B and then three A-levels at A grade. Went to a good university and got a 2:1 and then a post grad qualification.
started well in a reasonable career.

And then I was ill and unable to work for a couple of years and then I had children. Made the hideous hideous error of being a SAHM. I’m back at work now but I’ve lost 6 years and am massively disadvantaged by it - own fault I know.
I’m stuck in a miserable relationship but I’m not able to leave because I don’t earn that much. Even though I now work full time I do everything in the house and for the kids too because that’s how it’s always been and it didn’t change when I went back to work.
I don’t have any friends because ive let them all drift as I simply have no time to see them.
I look back and think I had so much potential and here I am, a total failure personally and professionally.
i know academic qualifications aren’t everything by a long chalk but everyone I went to university with has been successful.
I think the worst thing is it’s all my own fault! I wish I had made more of my chances and youth instead of letting it drift on by.

I think my biggest regret is being a SAHM and I would advise extreme caution to anyone considering it. It’s trapped me in more ways than I ever thought possible.

OP posts:
CellarBellaatemycoal · 29/10/2022 10:59

Yes. Being a sahm is generally absolutely disastrous for financial stability / career progression and sanity. I’d be devastated if my daughters chose that path, regardless of how rich and nice the husband seemed.

Original poster
Rockpaintedglitter · 29/10/2022 11:05

Yep it’s made things much harder and I hated it anyway!

OP posts:
MintJulia · 29/10/2022 11:11

You still have the same potential you always did. The same intellect and abilities.

You need to offload the bad relationship, which you will do in time. You need a bit of support to get on your feet as a single mum, but you will get there. It took me a year to find a job that would support me, ds and a flat but I did eventually find one. From there I was able to work my way up as soon as DS started school.

It's harder for you because you have two dcs but don't give up. You will find a way.

OhMaria2 · 29/10/2022 11:12

Oh bloody hell, I'm a stay at home ftm at 40. I thought this was a positive choice? I never pick the right thing to do

Goldieshock · 29/10/2022 11:12

Not at all- you've got so much ahead of you to look forward to. If you've finished your full time child -rearing years, time to re-invest in yourself . The fact you are obviously very bright and can achieve well when you put your mind to it means you'll soon start flying high. Think of all of the transferable skills you have after dealing intensively with small children.

One of the biggest challenges women in the workforce face is feeling 'good enough'. Expectations of home life and work life can chip away at your confidence but you can absolutely find a balance that's right for you.

Give it some time, OP; work out what you want to achieve and go for it.

AnonWeeMouse · 29/10/2022 11:13

I wouldn't advise anyone against being a SAHM.
I would advise everyone to think about the possibly negative affects of being a SAHM.

Everyone is different, some thrive and love being a SAHM, just because you didn't it isn't fair to advise all against it.

At the end of the day, it's your life, only you can fix it. Staying in a miserable relationship because you can't afford to leave is a much bigger error in judgement that being a SAHM. Better being single, poor or on benefits or working part time than staying with some one just for money's sake. You're mortgaging you happiness, mental health and time on this earth for cash. I'd advise everyone against that.

TheSausageKingofChicago · 29/10/2022 11:16

You’re in the trenches at the moment and making up for lost time. You will catch up as your children grow up. Just think of this as the start of your career.
And have a good look at your relationship because you don’t have to stick it out if it’s making you really miserable- only you know how bad it is, but you mention not being able to leave. See if you will get enough support through benefits and CMS if that is what you need to do.

Dishwashersaurous · 29/10/2022 11:16

Sounds like the only bad decision you made is to have children with someone who doesn't do any parenting or housework.

justdontkno1 · 29/10/2022 11:16

I’m sorry to hear you feel like that. What age are you op? You can always retrain. Are your kids older now? Would you have more time?
I have the complete opposite experience, the best thing I ever did was to be a stay at home mum when my dcs were small, I loved that time and I know I’ll never get it back , we have no family support and we are totally against nurseries for children under 3 ( no judgement for the anyone who uses them but absolutely no way for us and based on first hand experience).
I had dcs relatively young and I’m now back working in a career directly connected to my degree and masters. I’ve always had a very supportive dh and it’s completely 50/50.
I disagree entirely that being a sahp is disastrous BUT education and qualifications are key tbh , it’s so important to get these under your belt and then even if you take a few years out you can volunteer for a short time to get into areas or upskill and do fresher courses. Pay into your own pension account if you have any spare money.
What is your educational background? It’s never too late and if you have the time and resources it’s well worth looking into areas where workers are needed and applying for related courses. Best of luck op , im
sorry that you feel regret but for me it was the best part of my life with my small dcs and now I’m back working and they are all in school so it went quickly in a way but 100 percent id do it again.

Beefcurtains79 · 29/10/2022 11:17

CellarBellaatemycoal · 29/10/2022 10:59

Yes. Being a sahm is generally absolutely disastrous for financial stability / career progression and sanity. I’d be devastated if my daughters chose that path, regardless of how rich and nice the husband seemed.

What overly dramatic scaremongering crap. Plenty of SAHM’s are very happy and pleased with their decision, hopefully your daughters have minds of their own.

justdontkno1 · 29/10/2022 11:18

@OhMaria2 I think the main thing to think about is how would you survive if your dh died or left you , always have a back up or some way of making money .

Middledazedted · 29/10/2022 11:19

I am fifty. Went back to work a few about five years ago. Have been repeatedly promoted and expect to be again. You have plenty of time to flourish. Make your plans and go for it.

bonzaitree · 29/10/2022 11:20

CellarBellaatemycoal · 29/10/2022 10:59

Yes. Being a sahm is generally absolutely disastrous for financial stability / career progression and sanity. I’d be devastated if my daughters chose that path, regardless of how rich and nice the husband seemed.

100% agree with this.

FlamencoDance · 29/10/2022 11:20

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster’s request.

Testina · 29/10/2022 11:20

OhMaria2 · 29/10/2022 11:12

Oh bloody hell, I'm a stay at home ftm at 40. I thought this was a positive choice? I never pick the right thing to do

Seriously? You’re questioning your decision because of didn’t suit one random person on the internet?
If it’s right for you and sensible for you (like, it’s not going to leave you stuck with an arsehole) then own your decision.

justdontkno1 · 29/10/2022 11:22

I didn’t read about your dh, that’s a big problem op. Can you talk to him about this? He needs to understand that you can’t do everything, that you need to be a team, that retraining might improve both your lives. Best of luck op but I think if you were a good mum and took great care of your small dcs that also a huge achievement.

ohyouknowwhatshername · 29/10/2022 11:22

CellarBellaatemycoal · 29/10/2022 10:59

Yes. Being a sahm is generally absolutely disastrous for financial stability / career progression and sanity. I’d be devastated if my daughters chose that path, regardless of how rich and nice the husband seemed.

I think being 'devastated' would be a very over the top reaction. There's more to life than work you know. I loved being a SAHM to small children, in fact I'd say it was the best time of my life. I'm back at work now, but I still wish I could have more children and do it all again.

WifeMotherWorker · 29/10/2022 11:22

I would never advocate for a woman to be a SAHM, it is a terrible life choice for women both financially and professionally.
OP don’t look back with regret, seize the day and start planning for the future, make small steps with getting your career back on track (join LinkedIn), start researching your field of expertise and see what is out there. It’s never too late. Good luck.

Ekátn · 29/10/2022 11:22

I do think the long term impact on career and finances of being a sahm is often over looked. It is a risk. But there’s some positives as well. The negatives, are more apparent when you want sour or a relationship.

But, while you may behind where you feel you should be. But you can still progress and make headway forward. There’s no reason you can’t trying to fulfil, what you perceive, as your potential.

Once I decided that I was leaving exh, it took 2 years to get into a position to. And 6 years on I earn more than I ever thought I would. And as kids get older it gets easier.

It’s not your fault you were Sick and no point beating yourself up about being a sahp. Your did it. You made a decision you felt was right at the time. Regretting it won’t change it. But make sure the rest of your life isn’t a big regret. Figure out what you want and how you could work towards achieving it.

AnnapurnaSanctuary · 29/10/2022 11:23

How old are you OP? Don't write yourself off yet! I gave up a good career to be a SAHM for nine years and I was worried about ever getting back into the workplace. I'm now 48 and have a good professional job. It's not over until it's over!

Dishwashersaurous · 29/10/2022 11:23

And just because you didn't enjoy being a SAHM parent and chose a useless father doesn't mean its not an incredibly positive choice other people.

For many many many people being SAHM is the best thing for them, their children and their families.

Redkettle · 29/10/2022 11:24

I feel like this parenting has been a thankless task. Wish I'd spent last 20 years seeing to myself rather than working around kids and putting them first. Still at least I'm here when they can't find something eh

Comtesse · 29/10/2022 11:25

Your life is not over. This is not how it has to be. Don’t despair, keep trucking - my life is very different now than it was 10 years ago (for the better) and yours could be too Flowers

NameChangeLifeChange · 29/10/2022 11:26

WifeMotherWorker · 29/10/2022 11:22

I would never advocate for a woman to be a SAHM, it is a terrible life choice for women both financially and professionally.
OP don’t look back with regret, seize the day and start planning for the future, make small steps with getting your career back on track (join LinkedIn), start researching your field of expertise and see what is out there. It’s never too late. Good luck.

Life isn’t over OP you can still have a career but be prepared to build from scratch.
The recent thread about a SAHM kicking off after not being interviewed for a senior position after 10 years sadly demonstrates that while mothers acknowledge the hard work and skill set SAHMS possess the general public honestly do not. Being a SAHP is considered a ‘break’ and when it’s been a significant time period you’re basically starting again career wise, often not always of course.

goldfinchonthelawn · 29/10/2022 11:30

Being a SAHM had put you on the back foot professionally,. But you are bright. You will catch up. Your life is far from over.

Start by making some of the changes you need. Sit down with your husband and explain that you can't ancd won't do everything at home and for the DC now that you too work full time. make an absolutely total list of everythingf you do, including the mental load and divvy it up with him, according to your bailities. (E.g. DH leaves the entire mental load to me, as he is useless with that stuff but I make very sure he knows I see it as work. if I have spent an hour reassuring anxious DC about exams, I say: I need a break now. You cook.

Try to make this change in a very businesslike manner. No acrimony, no guilt or blame. Give him loads of praise (but NOT thanks - he's not doing you a favour) when he starts to do his share.

Meanwhile at work, behave like an ambiutious man. Be on the look out for jobs that use your skills but have a higher salary. Switch jobs at least once a year upgrading salary each time. Always negotiate for more or for a better package, pleasantly and professionally. Never move without getting an increase.

Despite a good degree, I started back at work when DC went to school, doing minimum wage work. I am now on a very good hourly rate working freelance and choosing my own projects and hours. It took some time but I just kept building the work, thinning out the bad clients and focusing on the good ones, who then referred more good ones to me.