To feel I’ve wasted my life when it started quite promisingly?

[Rockpaintedglitter]

I had a good settled upbringing with two loving parents and did well at school all the way through.
10 GCSEs at A/B and then three A-levels at A grade. Went to a good university and got a 2:1 and then a post grad qualification.
started well in a reasonable career.

And then I was ill and unable to work for a couple of years and then I had children. Made the hideous hideous error of being a SAHM. I’m back at work now but I’ve lost 6 years and am massively disadvantaged by it - own fault I know.
I’m stuck in a miserable relationship but I’m not able to leave because I don’t earn that much. Even though I now work full time I do everything in the house and for the kids too because that’s how it’s always been and it didn’t change when I went back to work.
I don’t have any friends because ive let them all drift as I simply have no time to see them.
I look back and think I had so much potential and here I am, a total failure personally and professionally.
i know academic qualifications aren’t everything by a long chalk but everyone I went to university with has been successful.
I think the worst thing is it’s all my own fault! I wish I had made more of my chances and youth instead of letting it drift on by.

I think my biggest regret is being a SAHM and I would advise extreme caution to anyone considering it. It’s trapped me in more ways than I ever thought possible.

And then I was ill and unable to work for a couple of years and then I had children

You left out the step - the relationship you chose. Who you settle with and have children with is the BIGGEST predictor of happiness in life.

It is harder to dedicate time to a career when you have children and almost impossible if you have an unsupportive or selfish partner. I know many women who were able to be a SAHP then reestablish a career but they had married men who were supportive and saw the household as a team. Assuming you work for over 40 years having 5-10 years out doesn't end your career.

Financially life gets a little easier once children are at school however it can be just as demanding physically - especially if you factor in after school activities. If you can get reliable childcare you can succeed in work. Currently employers are struggling to get good people so there are opportunities.

You are going to be working till 60, give or take. The working years are long. There’s plenty of time to get to where you want to be. Sit down and make a plan. Where do you want to be? What small steps can you make to get there?

OP look at the positives - you have your career back and are working hard. your children will have benefited massively from you being at home with them.

Try and reconnect with friends. Some it’s going to be too late, but others are going to be really pleased to hear from you. Arrange to meet one night after work. Get a babysitter if you can’t rely on your husband to be in.

your relationship might be salvageable too. You can’t be doing all the extras and working full time. Ask him to help more. Relationship counselling can work too.

How old are you?

You are probably not going to retire until 68, minimum earliest.

You have a very long time to develop a career

I think you can recover 6 years op. I worked hard to get a 2:1 at uni in chemistry, then after a few years of work decided I wanted to retrain to totally different career age 30.. so lost a few years there and then had kids at the start of my new career. It was tough but I’m now back up to earning well in my second career. Where there were options to be on governance teams or anything connected to the board I took it to learn as much as possible.. at a junior level to begin with but it taught me the route upwards. Promoted a few times while the kids were young working full time-it was tough going but can be done. You can clearly achieve amazing things-look at those a levels!! Don’t compare or worry about the past just look forwards and get stuck in to the opportunities in front of you. You can do this!

@WifeMotherWorker You can’t emphatically say that as a blanket statement. It wasn’t for me whatsoever, one of the things I will never regret was being with my dcs pre 3 years old and not putting them into crèche etc.
I do however think it’s v important to have a decent education and qualifications so that you can re-enter the workforce , fresher courses etc . I’m 37 , children are all in school and I’m back working in a career directly connected to my degree and masters. It’s not all disastrous, negative for every sahp, 4 of my friends (two dads , two mums) did likewise and are all now working now their children are in school.
So best advice for sahp, try to get qualifications under your belt , if possible put money into a private pension.
However the op isn’t happy about her situation but I’m totally against this blanket statement that being a sahp for a while is a disaster, that simply isn’t true for everyone at all.

@underneaththeash brilliant advice

A degree doesn't guarantee anyone a good job, it depends on other things like soft skills, willing to learn new things, etc

State retirement age is currently 66, 67, 68 depending on your age. In that case you probably have time

Nobody is going to give you a dream job. Suggestions, join a big private company or NHS or Government department & work your way upwards.

Everyone I know at the moment is chasing the money, so looking for a better wage increase & they are moving jobs swiftly. This is due to post covid change of lifestyle & increased costs of living.

If you want changes, then it's up to you to make them happen

Your relationship is the elephant in the room here.

You express this curiously passively and impersonally:

Even though I now work full time I do everything in the house and for the kids too because that’s how it’s always been and it didn’t change when I went back to work.

Behind the phrases: “that’s how it’s always been” and “it didn’t change” as if you were talking about impersonal societal forces not a man refusing to pull his weight.

This is not a status quo you simply have to accept. What steps have you taken to change this? Have you given an ultimatum? You need to go all out to re-calibrate the relationship, and if you can’t - well it’s over isn’t it?

Op, I wouldn’t advice anyone to be a sahm for the reasons you’ve listed above but you’ve done it anyway and you’re now back which is a good thing. You need to focus on yourself, if your children are still in primary school, don’t limit yourself to working school hours only, what I mean is that using wrap around care is cheaper obviously than nursery so use it if you have to. Find a way to join a big company or organisation in your field, even if you get a junior role, keep working your way up to what you’re qualified for.
Tell your partner he needs to step up, don’t resign yourself that things will always be this way, you have so much working years ahead so be proactive

I get the way you feel OP, but I was an accidental SAHM, for health reasons and then we found we could manage, started looking 2 years ago, but the covid hit, so I started again this year. Because I have very little qualifications, I was always going to start at the bottom. But I went in with this is what I dont want to do, would be nice to have xyz. But ultimately I had 10 years all in all out of the workforce and apart from the homeschooling during covid, I wouldnt change it

Just finished my third week, in something I have never done before and I am really enjoying it and I am good at it. Career progression is good as well, I am 40, still have maybe 30 years I didnt want to go into anything I didnt like but the difference between us, is my partner has stepped up, both of us are still have moments, but we are going to muddle through.

You need to really think, that if one big thing pulls you down, like your relationship then everything else can seem really shit

Being a SAHM is by far the best thing I've ever done, I could never regret it even if I ended up penniless. I don't think your biggest issue really was being a SAHM, the mistake you made was marrying and having a child with a prick.

I was a stay at home mum for 6 years ( we had twins and DH had a job opportunity abroad). I then went back to teaching part time; plenty of opportunities for full time and/or promotion had I chosen to take them. It’s not over for you!

“You're mortgaging you happiness, mental health and time on this earth for cash. I'd advise everyone against that.”.

This is really well put and I couldn’t agree more.

It's not too late at all - how old are you? I got good gcses and A'levels, then a 1st at uni. Then 2 years or so in entry level non grad jobs trying to get experience before having g children and being sahm for 6 years.

Turning 30 i was panicking as had no career and felt wasted opportunities. But focused on me and went back full time in a non degree type job for a year and then job hopped abit but finally found a career and have progressed a lot. I'm 45 now and tripled my salary in 12 years - but picked my jobs carefully so went for family friendly organisations (public and third sector). I felt left behind by my peers but actually they've now had children as well and some never went back to work so am actually further ahead now.

If a career matters to you then you can do it and it's never too late. Nothing wrong with being a Sahm but the only ones I know who are happy long term are also in happy secure relationships. I'm very happy in my marriage but there is strength and power knowing if he upped and left or if we were unhappy etc I could support myself and my children comfortably. It gives you choices and a sense of self. So start small, baby steps and change jobs frequently initially and you will get there

What is done is done. Now look at what you can do now to be in a better position. I wish you all the best.

May I recommend a book? How to do everything and be happy by Peter Jones.

I think you've got quite a good foundation actually. But you do need to build on it.

Sahm not a problem, deadbeat DH is the problem. Make a 1 year plan to get away and get back into work. You can do it, this doesn't have to be the story of your life.

You're not the only woman to have felt this way OP.

Acknowledge your feelings.

Then make a plan and contact old friends you'd like to see and decide on whether to go back to your career, go back to Uni or try a different career

It's never too late.

Also Don't blame everything on being a SAHM.

Going back to work might have exhausted and broken you.

Covid happened.

just draw a line under where you are now and make a decision and go for it.

Try not to let finances control you too much if at all possible in that moving towards being more content is the better option.

I could have written parts of your post, op.

what I find helpful is reminding myself not to judge success and failure outside the context of the life decisions I have made. So there’s no point judging my career a failure because I’m less successful than I would have been if I hadn’t taken 5 years out as a SAHM. It’s like judging yourself for not having won the hundred metres sprint when you’ve only entered the long jump. Because the whole notion of success/failure depends on how you see it and the criteria you use- a successful life is not measured only in career success.

You regret your decision to be a SAHM but it might help a bit if you tried not to let that regret define you. Our decisions are rarely absolutely right or wrong- some good will have come out of it, even if on balance you could have decided differently. Making peace with and taking ownership of what you decided might help you move on.

Can I suggest that getting out of the miserable relationship is step 1? It may be harder than it would be if you earned more but it’s not impossible.

A little bit simplistic.

There are reasons you took the path op. I’m sure there were some benefits. It sounds like you are going through a difficult time and things aren’t great with your partner.

Try to focus on what you want now and moving forward.

I agree with you, I’d never be a sahm for these reasons and hope my girls don’t either. It’s perfectly possible to have a great family life and a career. You do have to choose your career carefully though

Also it helped me to reevaluate what it meant by successful. Presumably you’re still young so can do different things especially if you are done with having kids?
I love that now I’m in my 30s I no longer feel the need to follow the norm of ‘successful’ types of jobs or lifestyle. You do you and you start making new friend .

Oh come on, devastated? You’d have to have led a sheltered life to think this was something to be devastated about.