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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel I’ve wasted my life when it started quite promisingly?

102 replies

Rockpaintedglitter · 29/10/2022 10:53

I had a good settled upbringing with two loving parents and did well at school all the way through.
10 GCSEs at A/B and then three A-levels at A grade. Went to a good university and got a 2:1 and then a post grad qualification.
started well in a reasonable career.

And then I was ill and unable to work for a couple of years and then I had children. Made the hideous hideous error of being a SAHM. I’m back at work now but I’ve lost 6 years and am massively disadvantaged by it - own fault I know.
I’m stuck in a miserable relationship but I’m not able to leave because I don’t earn that much. Even though I now work full time I do everything in the house and for the kids too because that’s how it’s always been and it didn’t change when I went back to work.
I don’t have any friends because ive let them all drift as I simply have no time to see them.
I look back and think I had so much potential and here I am, a total failure personally and professionally.
i know academic qualifications aren’t everything by a long chalk but everyone I went to university with has been successful.
I think the worst thing is it’s all my own fault! I wish I had made more of my chances and youth instead of letting it drift on by.

I think my biggest regret is being a SAHM and I would advise extreme caution to anyone considering it. It’s trapped me in more ways than I ever thought possible.

OP posts:
BiscuitLover3678 · 29/10/2022 14:01

formulatingAresponse · 29/10/2022 13:50

Also Don't blame everything on being a SAHM.

Going back to work might have exhausted and broken you.

Covid happened.

just draw a line under where you are now and make a decision and go for it.

Try not to let finances control you too much if at all possible in that moving towards being more content is the better option.

This.

Your situation sounds more like my friends who work full time (they are constantly exhausted and have lost so many friends as have literally no time for anything - with one of them I feel like I’m the only person they see!)

Dont regret your past. Accept it and move onto to the future. You have one life and you have experienced different parts of it that will always be different to someone else’s.

Let‘s not make this into another sahm vs working mum thread as all it does is pin us against each other and make women feel like shit.

FlakeySalt · 29/10/2022 14:07

Are you married?

Do you own your home?

There are ways to get out.

TabithaTittlemouse · 29/10/2022 14:11

You can’t change the past but you can change the future.

I was in a fairly similar situation so I got rid of the useless xh and retrained. Met my now Dh who is one of the best things that ever happened to me/our family.

Don’t dwell on the past, you are not that person anymore.

dottiedodah · 29/10/2022 14:16

Firstly you have a good education ,that counts for a lot .Plenty of women are SAHMs as well at least for a time .As they get older can you move to FT work at all.Maybe retrain ? You have had quality time with DC .Remember that .If you do return FT maybe look into getting a Cleaner if your DH wont help. There are ways out ,but they are not always easy .Can you talk with DH and see if that will help even for now maybe .You have not had a wasted life .Get back out there ,message a couple of old pals to meet up say for drinks and Supper out .Tell DH you are going out for the evening and he will need to babysit!

Abra1t · 29/10/2022 14:18

OhMaria2 · 29/10/2022 11:12

Oh bloody hell, I'm a stay at home ftm at 40. I thought this was a positive choice? I never pick the right thing to do

Blanket statements are never correct for everyone! Don’t worry. 🙂If you’re doing it at 40 you have a work record and life experience behind you.

BiscuitLover3678 · 29/10/2022 14:22

Choconut · 29/10/2022 12:55

Being a SAHM is by far the best thing I've ever done, I could never regret it even if I ended up penniless. I don't think your biggest issue really was being a SAHM, the mistake you made was marrying and having a child with a prick.

👍

Paris2023 · 29/10/2022 14:27

Being a SAHM seriously set my career back. In hindsight I’d have done it for a shorter period of time. I did it for 5 years. Hard to get back into the work place, very very tough getting my foot in the door again. When I gave up my job I was on £75k a year and adjusted for inflation I reckon it was close to £450-£500k in gross earnings.

I would support my DDs to stay in the work place should they be in careers that require that level of investment. Important for women to protect their positions.

ButterflyAi · 29/10/2022 14:27

CellarBellaatemycoal · 29/10/2022 10:59

Yes. Being a sahm is generally absolutely disastrous for financial stability / career progression and sanity. I’d be devastated if my daughters chose that path, regardless of how rich and nice the husband seemed.

Wow. Some bitterness behind that overwrought, scaremongering bollocks.

I loved being a SAHM. It enabled me to move from a job I loathed to post-SAHM self employment that I love.

There's a million variations on being a SAHM.

Paris2023 · 29/10/2022 14:28

PS I have a lot of friends SAHM’s accountants, doctors, nurses, lawyers and they’re loving SAHM life.

BiscuitLover3678 · 29/10/2022 14:34

Paris2023 · 29/10/2022 14:27

Being a SAHM seriously set my career back. In hindsight I’d have done it for a shorter period of time. I did it for 5 years. Hard to get back into the work place, very very tough getting my foot in the door again. When I gave up my job I was on £75k a year and adjusted for inflation I reckon it was close to £450-£500k in gross earnings.

I would support my DDs to stay in the work place should they be in careers that require that level of investment. Important for women to protect their positions.

Or for women to do what they want and what is beneficial for them. Sometimes that is being a sahm, especially if it’s only for a few years and they have a rich husband who can support them to retrain, take time out and do whatever they want. Life is short! Don’t make blanket statements.

Mariposista · 29/10/2022 14:54

OP don’t beat yourself up. You made a big mistake leaving the work force, but you own that and are now back in - good for you!!!
My (single) mum totally retrained and went back to uni aged 36 with a young child. She went on to thrive and you will too

Fink · 29/10/2022 14:54

Right, you've got one major problem: your partner doesn't pull his/her weight. That needs to be sorted, either by insisting that things change, or getting out of the relationship if it makes you miserable (n.b., as a single parent, I can tell you that it would be financially much more difficult without your partner, and much harder to build a career than without a partner who did at least some childcare, but potentially emotionally easier because you just make the decisions yourself and don't have to negotiate with someone who's more hindrance than help).

Apart from the relationship, the rest if solveable. You will be able to get back into your career and progress, if you're 'allowed' to. You can apologise to your friends and try to re-start things.

Most importantly, you're only going to be miserable if you compare yourself to other people or to an idealised picture of what might have been but isn't. The life you've got now is perfectly capable of improvement without mourning what isn't it isn't possible to change. I had a similar background to you: did well at school, 2:1 from Oxbridge then postgrad degrees from Russell Group unis. And now I'm a single mother on a low wage (but doing a job I love). Honestly, I love my life and I wouldn't want to change it with any of my uni mates who have high-flying careers. My life could have been different, but it's not, and it's about appreciating what you've got and chaging what you can. I'd start with your partner.

Millsbills · 29/10/2022 15:01

Abra1t · 29/10/2022 14:18

Blanket statements are never correct for everyone! Don’t worry. 🙂If you’re doing it at 40 you have a work record and life experience behind you.

Which often means nothing when re-entering the workforce

in many industries recent experience trumps years served.

Ihadenough22 · 29/10/2022 15:02

I think at the moment your stuck in a rut and you just can't see your current situation improving. You have lost contact with friends. Your marriage does not sound like it's a happy one. You spent a few years at home due to illness and then having children. You now back working full time but are are still responsible for the kids, housework and all the wife work.
No wonder you feeling stuck and miserable.

Your now back in full time work. Ok it might not be the job of your dreams and perhaps the pay could be better. You have a current job to put on your CV and have possibly gotten other skills/training since starting this job.
Now that your back in full time work and you need to stop doing everything at home as well. That is your biggest problem at the moment because physically and mentally it's to much.

You need to tell your husband that since your now working full time that your no longer able to do all the house work ect. He needs to start doing his share. You need to write down a list of all the jobs needed to run the house ie cleaning jobs, laundry, admin, food shopping, meal planning and cooking, gardening, house maintenance ect and decide who is going to do what.
Put in writing who is going to do each job and what day/evening of the week X job can be done. I would also get a slow cooker and put a meal on in the morning so you have a dinner when you come in. Do some batch cooking, freeze in individual portions and then on the busy evenings you have something to take out of the freezer to heat up stuff like chilli, stews, Shepard's pie ect.
You also need to train your kids to pick up after themselves, put their clothes in the laundry basket, dishes in the dishwasher ect. If they are in primary they are old enough to start learning these life skills and when they get a bit older teach them how to cook.

I have a friend and both her and her husband worked when the kids were small.
They realized that because of kids and working hours it was hard to do it all so they got a cleaner in for a few hours a week once a week. She cleaned the house, did a lot of ironing and put on washing as well. My friend said it made a big difference and was worth the money as it kept the place clean/tidy and they never had a big lot of washing or ironing that needed to be done.

My friend got a great job opportunity about 12 years ago because of her qualifications and work experience up to then. I know as well that she lost contact with friends when they had small babies but as the children got older she got in contact with them and arranged to meet up sometimes with their kids. You need to contact your friends again and arrange to meet up with them without bringing your kids being with you.

I think sorting out that your not doing it all at home would help you feel better. If your husband refuses to pull his weight I would stop doing his laundry, cooking his dinner or sorting things out for him. When he has no clean clothes, meals ect he should get the message that helping you benefits him. I would also get out of the house at least one evening a week to meet up with friends ect and let him mind the kids then. This will give you something to look forward to and build up your friendship's again.

In regards to your job once you get things sorted out in the house things will get easier.
You have not been out of work to long and your already back in the work place which is good. If you want your career to move on I would look at current opertunities where you are and see what you need to move up their. If your current job is just ok, I look to move into a large organisation where you can do more training and get experience to move up jobs wise within a few years. Even if you and your husband had to pay for more childcare or a cleaner once a week long term it will benefit you all financially.

If your husband is not willing to work with you now I would start to make a plan to leave him.
Get all your joint financial details together, copy them and leave them somewhere safe.
Start to put a bit of money aside and work towards getting a better job. It might take a bit of time before your in a position to tell him it over but at least you can see that better days are coming. Also be very careful not to let him know your plans or to get pregnant again.

BlueBar · 29/10/2022 15:06

I agree with you SAHM is to be avoided, but it's done now. You say you lost 6 years, but you can soon make that up. You will be disadvantaged now because of your time as SAHM but that doesn't need to be forever.

One advantage of being a SAHM/low earner is that you can afford to take the financial hit that often comes with retraining. What do you want to do?

Minimalme · 29/10/2022 15:09

You were ill for two years and unable to work op - this will have been a huge interruption to your earning power.

Stop being so hard on yourself! You actually made a sensible decision to have dc having been off work anyway, and now you are back ft.

Make sure you are in a job with prospects and work your way up.

Hang tight with the useless husband and one day you will be able to leave him.

It will be ok.

GemmaEdKitten · 29/10/2022 15:11

Comparison is the thief of joy etc. I would love children but can't have them. I'm also single. I work in what is deemed an exciting career but I'm not especially interested in it. I've also got other massive problems. So I would look at your life and consider it idyllic (which it clearly isn't). I'm not dismissing your issues by any means, merely saying ruminating on what 'should have' been and assuming your university contemporaries are all more successful/happy isn't helpful. And also isn't true.

Fairylightsongs · 29/10/2022 15:12

I also agree sahm is to be avoided if you wish a career. And after two years out it will have caused further issues. The additional problem is you married an arsehole and then Proceeded to have children with him, and not just once it seems.

but I assume you’re still quite young so it’s all fixable , keep focused on your work and kids and you can turn this round.

why can’t you leave`?thats also a choice, have you searched for benefits etc?

Minimalme · 29/10/2022 15:14

Also, could people tone down the SAHM scaremongering?

I worked until I was 44 then because a ft carer for my middle child who is disabled. Because I had too.

During my 23 years in employment I saw many women return to the work place and was usually pleasantly surprised at how quickly they got promoted.

autienotnaughty · 29/10/2022 15:15

OhMaria2 · 29/10/2022 11:12

Oh bloody hell, I'm a stay at home ftm at 40. I thought this was a positive choice? I never pick the right thing to do

It's not necessarily a bad thing. It's personal choice. Some people work as a team others want independence. As long as you and your family are happy that's all that matters.

Tivolina · 29/10/2022 15:23

CellarBellaatemycoal · 29/10/2022 10:59

Yes. Being a sahm is generally absolutely disastrous for financial stability / career progression and sanity. I’d be devastated if my daughters chose that path, regardless of how rich and nice the husband seemed.

Agree. I wonder if it’s a UK thing, where I am noone is a SAHM. But then again nurseries/schools are basically free. People are expected to work and contribute to society and eventually have a decent pension.

ohyouknowwhatshername · 29/10/2022 15:28

Tivolina · 29/10/2022 15:23

Agree. I wonder if it’s a UK thing, where I am noone is a SAHM. But then again nurseries/schools are basically free. People are expected to work and contribute to society and eventually have a decent pension.

Looking after children is contributing to society. Things have value just because they don't make money you know!

Ganymedemoon · 29/10/2022 15:30

OhMaria2 · 29/10/2022 11:12

Oh bloody hell, I'm a stay at home ftm at 40. I thought this was a positive choice? I never pick the right thing to do

I don't think been a SAHM is all doom and gloom, maybe for the OP, but I know a lot of SAHMs who have loved it and got their careers back when they were ready.

Bookishish · 29/10/2022 15:30

Ffs, looking after your own children is not “a UK thing”.

ButterflyAi · 29/10/2022 15:59

Tivolina · 29/10/2022 15:23

Agree. I wonder if it’s a UK thing, where I am noone is a SAHM. But then again nurseries/schools are basically free. People are expected to work and contribute to society and eventually have a decent pension.

No one is this ill-informed, are they? Really?